To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

Yeah, yeah sabire. After what scottishmummy said and bellisima agreeing you sound a bit fanatical.

Where are these militant breastfeeders I hear so much about? I keep waiting to see these public flashes of boob I hear about..

Before becoming pregnant, it had never occurred to me that breastfeeding was such a battleground between women. My mother breastfed so I grew up assuming I would do the same. It's free, people say it's good for your baby, my mother found it extremely convenient (even post-heavy duty CS with vast metal calipers holding her insides together).. I had no idea it was such an issue.

Since becoming pregnant, I have heard so much about the negatives of breastfeeding it amazes me! Ireland, where I come from, has the lowest rate of Bfing in Europe. On online forums there, I have heard women tell other women to 'get down off the cross' for supporting breastfeeding; wish them endless sleepless nights of 'martyrdom' (no joke! apparently all ff babies sleep through the night virtually immediately), argue endlessly about how breastfeeding babies are thinner, sicker and more spoiled than ff babies and detail how bfing will ruin their boobs, their sex life and their sanity. What rubbish! My all time favourite anti-breastfeeding comments were the following: one from a young woman who thought it was disgraceful that you would 'put your private parts into your child's mouth', and the second in a debate about a 'breastfeeding doll' in Spain in which it was felt that such a doll was just asking little girls to know too much about 'adult' things too soon and could be equated to giving them sex dolls or toy vibrators! Interesting, here, that, ironing, vacuuming and bottlefeeding were not considered to be adult or sexual in quite the same way...

I personally am a little shocked when people don't want to try bfing at least, because not only do you have to pay for formula, you have to get up in the middle of the night to make it and warm it, do the same when out and about and why would you do that if you could avoid it? Forget the IQ points and the antibodies and all that malarkey.. for the sake of a few weeks discomfort, you have a free and convenient food source available for your baby at all times! I have heard many people tell new mums that they should give up breastfeeding for formula so they can 'get a break' and their husbands/families can help with feeds.. but when they do, these mums often find that they are still the ones trawling up and down the stairs at night (and perhaps rightly so in some cases if you are on maternity and your dp has to get up for work in the morning?)

I don't see why anyone would formula feed if they can breastfeed because of the practicalities.. but to me it's like any decision about anything baby-related.. some people are very keen on nappy wrappers and I don't see the point. I don't feel like prosletysing about the benefits of bfing, it's not my decision to make for another mother. Why can't everyone just mind their own b*leeding business? Honestly, that it is something worthy of debate to this extent in this da and age seems ridiculous to me.

"I don't feel like prosletysing about the benefits of bfing, it's not my decision to make for another mother. Why can't everyone just mind their own b*leeding business? Honestly, that it is something worthy of debate to this extent in this da and age seems ridiculous to me"

Maybe because you see the status quo in the uk - where the vast majority of babies over 4 weeks are not breastfed, as a 'normal' and ok situation.

Those of us who are involved in bf advocacy see what's happened to infant feeding in the past 50 years as something that's had many disadvantages for babies, is bad for mothers as a group, is unnecessary, and has been driven by both commerce and by ignorance among the medical community and among the general public about how breastfeeding actually works.

I think it's really bloody sad that there are generations of both mothers and babies missing out on the pleasures and benefits of breastfeeding. I also think it's bloody sad that there are millions of women who've had hidious experiences of breastfeeding because of the ignorance and ineptitude of maternity professionals. But there you go - I work with new mothers and I see a lot of sadness and suffering surrounding breastfeeding. I understand that most other people don't give a damn - hopefully that will change one day.

she sounds like a rather rude and tactless person. if only she had Ff her baby I'm sure it would have totally changed her personality

"The woman was a nightmare"

But bet you all enjoyed bitching about her afterwards.

If you see her again, why not encourage the rest of the group to tar and feather her when she steps outside the building. That would teach her to talk about her child's breastfeeding in front of other people! The shamelessness of the woman!

Lequeen, did you ever think this mum might have picked up on your simmering disapproval and discomfort with the way she was feeding her baby and made those comments because she was embarrassed?

I feel so sorry for her - it must have been an excruciating experience - being judged and stereotyped in that way as a 'militant', just because she bf her baby in front of you in a manner you didn't approve of.

God - talk about bullying......

LeQueen, even though I don't like 'militant' parents of any kind, I'm not sure from your description why you say this particular mother as militant?! Just because she was bf in public & making some comments about it? Even though I disagree with much of what Sabire has written, I do agree with her on this, it seems you're projecting a lot onto this woman, & it doesn't seem (at least not from what you wrote) that she behaved in a problematic way. It's hard enough bf in public (for some people), some mothers make comments while doing it to make the experience a bit less uncomfortable!

this has become over personalised debacle with accusation and counter accusation. anecdotes swopped

the ethos of choice and autonomy has been long forgottenin this thread. i am suprised some of you can see the wood for the trees for the leaves

'bad for mothers as a group'

Perhaps this is the case because of the stigmas attatched to both kinds of feeding and the resulting conflicts and guilty/defensive feelings?

I don't think it's been forgotten, it's just not being talked about. That doesn't mean that people don't respect it.

I can totally respect people's general choice to do exactly what they want, but I might still want to keep discussing the issues here long after the point where in a face-to-face discussion with a relative I would have stopped even mentioning it.

Personally if the OP's sister was mine I would not be talking about BF to her now, or ever have talked to her much about it, and I would have thought the 'might try it for a month' or whatever it is she said was pretty good.

What possible business is it of yours. YABU and should be supporting her whatever her decision is. Get a life.

PS That's not to say I think the she said I said and anecdotes are the thread going well! Just don't see what going on talking about it has to do with not respecting choice?

MN can talk for hours about which is the best coat but thinking one is best doesn't mean that anyone thinks people shouldn't be allowed a choice and I find it odd that those two things are equated.

(Shall we add 'Get a Life' to the list of expressions which, if used, signify that you have 'lost the debate'....?? i.e. when a person is so ill-educated and ignorant that they have nothing meaningful to contribute, so resort to this......)

I agree with jofo.

I have plenty of intelligent and meaningful things to say on the subject of breastfeeding. But I have only one thing to say to a self righteous, misguided person who thinks their SIL needs their pity rather than support.

Mind your own business.

"but if she wanted to do so, and provide those around her with a diatribe on BF"

You didn't say earlier that she conducted a 'diatribe'. I thought she was providing a 'running commentary' on the way her baby was feeding. Two different things no?

I think that in using words like 'diatribe' and 'militant' you're trying to stigmatise this mother as having aggressive views about how other people feed their babies and being overly politicised, though nothing you've said about her behaviour or the comments she made suggest that she's anything other than a rather tactless new mum who doesn't pick up on the fact that other people aren't interested in how she feeds her baby.

Why would you want to vilify this person? What's she done to you?

"Perhaps this is the case because of the stigmas attatched to both kinds of feeding and the resulting conflicts and guilty/defensive feelings?"

Only a tiny fraction of women in this country don't bottlefeed at some time during the first six months of their child's life. I'd suggest that there isn't the general stigma about bottlefeeding that you are imagining. How can there be if almost everyone does it? And I don't think I've ever seen bf promotion material which doesn't acknowledge that in the end it's a personal choice how you feed your baby, with every mother having the right to make up her mind for herself.

now you see this is why I have hidden the BF/FF topic.

OP YABU for sneaking a BF/FF topic in under the radar of AIBU

"I suspect that militant BF-ding Mums operate off a whole other agenda, which is less about a baby's diet and kmore about them assuming a moral superiority"

Why? What evidence do you have that people think this way?

BTW - what did her 'diatribe' consist of? Did she insist on lecturing you on the benefits of bf while you were trying to discuss a book? If she did then perhaps she was mentally ill rather than militant.

I failed at bfing ds for a variety of reasons that I have gone into on countless threads before.

I'm pregnant again and believe that I know more about bfing this time round (mainly down to MN). I am intending to meet with a bf counsellor before the birth and talk through some of the "issues" that I encountered first time round. Closer to the birth I will be asking on here for advice and purchasing a good manual.

I will give it my best shot, my best shot may not be as good as some of your best shots. ihatewinter sounds like you had a pretty tough time and if I'm honest in your situation I would more than likely have given up. If I end up giving up before 6 months (the target I have set for myself) I shall not feel guilty because it really isn't the be all and end all. Personally I think the diet (once weaned) that you offer your children is far more important when it comes to long health implications and that is something that I can control quite easily.

i am amazed lequeen. i have never met anyone anything like you have described. the folk must be very strange around your way

if i were you i would consider moving

LeQueen, I have met many people like you have described.

Perhaps we are neighbours