To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

AnnetteTwitcher

excellent post!

offer laughs and unconditional acceptance.poor sis will be subjected to enough new mum pressures (self pressure/peer pressure) without you heaping on more

If you are concered about your mum being dumped on maybe you could talk to her?

What a shit article, greenmonkies.

I find this almost offensive:

"Try this on: You have been crippled in a serious accident. Your physicians and physical therapists explain that learning to walk again would involve months of extremely painful and difficult work with no guarantee of success. They help you adjust to life in a wheelchair, and support you through the difficulties that result. Twenty years later, when your legs have withered beyond all hope, you meet someone whose accident matched your own. "It was difficult," she says. "It was three months of sheer hell. But I've been walking every since."

Being fed formula is not analagous to being crippled. ffs.

Thanks!

I felt better for getting that off my chest!

I was a ff baby and chose to ff both of my babies. In my first pregnancy I was willing to try bf but after pph and being passed out for DDs first 4 feeds (formula by necessity)I decided not to go down the bf route.

I have a history of anxiety and am prone to depression and seeing the demands bf made on my (much more stable) cousin I feel this was absolutely the right choice for my family.

Accepting that all 'breast is best' evidence is true it still assumes that a rock solid immune system is the be all and the end all.

I safeguarded my mental health, and in my opinion this was the best thing I could do to protect my children. Now should they get ill, (fortunately so far they appear to have good constitutions) I will be strong enough to support and care for them.

i agree with some of your opinions OP. but i think that now you need to keep them to yourself, unless you sister asks you.

this wont be the last time you disagree with how she is raising her child. but if you want to stay on speaking terms you will need to be more tactful

ScummyMummy

That's not what she's saying.

Take a deep breath and go and read it again, slower, without jumping to conclusions.

I was a ff baby and chose to ff both of my babies. In my first pregnancy I was willing to try bf but after pph and being passed out for DDs first 4 feeds (formula by necessity)I decided not to go down the bf route.

I have a history of anxiety and am prone to depression and seeing the demands bf made on my (much more stable) cousin I feel this was absolutely the right choice for my family.

Accepting that all 'breast is best' evidence is true it still assumes that a rock solid immune system is the be all and the end all.

I safeguarded my mental health, and in my opinion this was the best thing I could do to protect my children. Now should they get ill, (fortunately so far they appear to have good constitutions) I will be strong enough to support and care for them.

projecting own issues and preferences isn't helpful

empathic listening
accepting individual choice
make new mum feel validated,not berated

No - that isn't the analogy.

It's about the feelings women sometimes have about not having been able to breastfeed.

And it's not saying that not breastfeeding is the same as being a paraplegic.

(though being fair, I'm sure you know that).

yabu - I'm glad you're not my sister. You should be supportive of whatever decision she makes.

"it still assumes that a rock solid immune system is the be all and the end all".

BF doesn't give a child a rock solid immune system.

And normal breastfeeding isn't associated with higher rates of PND, actually the opposite - it's thought to have a protective effect. It's also been linked to better mental health in childhood.

I do appreciate that difficult breastfeeding (difficult emotionally and/or physically) , and trying to bf when you're not well supported by family or health care professionals can exacerbate PND. But it's also true that some women only develop PND when they stop breastfeeding.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have always found bf to be a big comfort to me. The one time I ff (with my first, for a few weeks when I was struggling with bf), I felt I was heading for OCD - I got so anxious about cleanliness when preparing dd's bottles. I found bf much, much easier mentally and physically. But my DH was very supportive of breastfeeding after all 3 births, so maybe that made a difference.

I didnt want to get involved in this but have read alot of the post and could not believe that someone has put ''ff mothers can be good mothers'' ffs how dare you. It is like bf mothers have a club and ff mothers are the abusers......well im sure theres some bf mothers who have done much worse then ff. It is insulting.
I bf for 5 weeks before becoming very poorly and ending up in hosp, I took the decision then to stop because i was too poorly. I am a very good mother to my daughter, she is healthy, well mannered, behaved, and she is my little star. My parents were against me bf for some reason but i ignored them and did what i wanted in the end. I will bf my next child but wont beat myself up if I cant continue as long as I want to and it DOES NOT make me a bad mother. Whether u bf or ff doesnt make u a bad/good mother, how u bring ur child up, treat ur child, look after ur child.....isnt that also included in what a good parent u are??
Support ur sister, yes give her info about bf but dont judge her like that.

"sabire - it is not unreasonable of you to put your faith in it. It is unreasonable of you to quote it back at people as if it is proven fact as you have done here"

But your insistence that bf is largely irrelevant to infant health comes from.... where? What are your sources, other than the article you have referred to on this thread?

And I'm not offering advice. You are!

"it is not appropriate to state your own beliefs as though they are facts."

Ok - how's this:

"The Royal College of Midwives, MIDIRS Informed Choice Initiatve (NHS sponsored patient information), the World Health Organisation and the Royal Academy of Obs and Gynae advise that
breastfeeding results in a significant reduction of ill health from common childhood illnesses like otitis media, to gastro-enteritis, to breast cancer in adult women.'

So there you go - not my personal opinion, but a reference to information from a number of highly reputable organisations.

sabire

Give up, we are banging our heads against a brick wall whilst walking up a down escalator. ie, going nowhere and getting a sore head in the process. These threads always go this way. sigh

sabire - Quote one post of mine that says bf is irrelevant to infant health. My posts have been about the validity of research only. Anything that I might believe I believe I have stated as my opinion only not as fact. It is incorrect to state that I believe bf is irrelevant to public/infant health, I'm not sure where you read this in anything I have said.

That revision is much better thank you, perhaps you could improve it's validity as a statement by stating where the quote is from i.e. 'on the NHS direct website they state: the royal college...'

it really isnt so hard to suspend individual preferences to support sister

complex moral and social reasoning allows one to hold strongly held principles and still support those with differing opinions.

and it makes one the better person

my children slept in nursery from birth.not with us in bedroom. my good friend baby s;ept same room,she has strong belief in efficacy of this. as a good frfiend she never once raised or criticised my choice

Sabire - DH extremely supportive actually , did lots of the night feeding.

The principle point I was trying to make was that it was 'the right choice for my family'.

It makes me very angry the tone that some of these posts have. An assumed superiority of parenting based solely on bf.

Mums today are bombarded from all sides with hhigher expectations than ever and feeling bullied with regards to feeding won't help anyone.

It always amazes me the way any solidarity between us hard working Mums disappears when this subject comes up.

I was bottle fed, and I'm fine.

YABU and a breast-feeding fascist to boot.

You know, the Breast Feeding Police are worse than the Pregnancy Police, I reckon....

And for the record, I do bf, but it's my choice, just like it's hers. Keep your nose out.

yaNbu

You just care about your neice/nephew & want the best for them - which is breastfeeding.

I completely understand where you are coming from...I think you may have to grit your teeth though.

I feel your pain.

IHateWinter - If you're resenting that you'll be used as an all day/night babysitting service because she can rely on you to feed her baby (as not BF) then say no to babysitting or only do it for a couple of hours. Maybe create some babysitting 'vouchers' she could swap for your time - free to do and you could wrap them up instead of buying a present! Might make her think.

Ultimately the baby is her responsibility not yours. She needs to make her own choices (good and bad) just like the rest of us. That's the fun of being a first time parent If niece is being neglected or is in danger then I think you should call SS rather than jump in and take over.

It's lovely that you care so much for your niece but with slight re-direction of your energies you can support your sister to be the very best parent she can be. Maybe think of her as you would a pregnant friend to help you gauge when to step back and let her get on with it while still being supportive. I'm worried you might push her away if you're too over-bearing, which I doubt is your intention.

late post but stellamel and orangehead - I had a similar experience and I stil feel incredibly angry at the way I slid into awful depression and hating my baby because I was pushed into BFing.
Best day of DS early life was when we switched to FF.

Breast Feeding is not the be all and end all of parenting. No one thing is the holy grail of parenting - we all make choices to the best of our ability at the time.

I gave up BFing after less than 2 weeks because overall I decided that having his mum a) around; b)smile at him c) not on heavy duty antiD pills d)not crying was probably better for DS mental, emotional and physical health.

oh yes and actually drinking milk rather than blood would probably help a bit too. (no I am not exagerating, BF was horrendous for us and DS did end up with a mouthful of blood several times)

its not selfish to bottle feed. especially in situations like mine where i didnt have any milk to breastfeed and i was devestaed when i couldnt with either of my sons. some people just feel uncomftable about it or simple find it an inconvenience while others love it and wouldnt have it any other way. its best just to let her go with her choice and hope she will change her mind when the time comes. GOOD LUCK