To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

[IHateWinter]

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

Its during threads like this that i wish each post had a like/dislike option so i could DISLIKE Annies comment.

That was probably the most offensive comment in the whole 250 post thread!

I do think it would be far better if your sister did try breastfeeding. But I very much doubt that she will be enticed to try if the message comes from a person who thinks she needs to grow up and realise it's not all about her and who sees breastfeeding as part of that process. Wouldn't that put anyone off? Yes, the breastfeeding message is important, but in this case it really needs to come from someone other than the OP. Hopefully, the midwives can deal with that side of things.

"If a women does not bf purely because she cannot be arsed, how does this attitude (which I personally consider selfish) reflect on other parenting decisions she might make? What if she then cannot be bothered to get up in the night to feed her baby or sterilize bottles properly, or change nappies frequently enough or give up her boozy nights out leaving her baby with inadequate carers, or stop smoking...."

Please tell me you are being ironic, TryHarder!

UnexpectedWasabi - I utterly agree about Annie's post - though, if serious, TryHarder's would run it a close second.

Stayingscary - i'm still over TryHarders to form a polite and reasonable response.. right now i'm liable to turn the air blue.

I think she might be exaggerating to show how daft it is to worry about someone's decision to bottle feed. I hope she is.

OP - ftr, i was adamant i wasnt going to Bf my DD, i tried with DS and failed miserably as he simply refused to latch on.

After i gave birth i lay there with my newborn and decided to give it a try and just see if she'd latch on.. she did and took to it really well.

Unfortunately, my supply failed because i had to mix feed due to some health problems i had that kept me away from her frequently in th first 4wks and by a month old she was all but exclusively FF.

Leave your sister be, provide her with the info and then back off and let her make her own mind up.

Or maybe not how daft it is to worry about someone's decision to bottle feed, but at least how daft it is to assume that this means they will be a bad mother.

Sorry - posted that last post without proper consideration.

I've been thinking about this. These are my conclusions: (wish I could do bullet points!)

It is selfish to
1.in advance choose not to BF because of cosmetic reasons (NOT if you have some kind of deep-seated ishoos though)

It is also selfish to:
2.put the telly on sometimes because you're too tired/need a break
3.go back to work before you really need to financially because you want something else going on in your life
4.feed your kids processed stuff because you can't be bothered to cook for them

I haven't done 1 or 4 but I have done 2 and 3. I can admit to being selfish sometimes. It does interest me that no-one ever wants to admit to FF for any kind of selfish reason. Especially the cosmetic reasons, is that because it makes you seem shallow? Is it a double value-judgement?

I've done 4 on occasions, tinierclanger - because the depression made me feel so low that I couldn't work up the energy or motivation to cook for the dses - and I thought it was better that they had something than nothing. It's the exception, not the rule, though.

I've also done 2 and 3 - so I am a worser mother than you - so there!

Oh, DS is only 15 months, I'll get to 4 soon enough.

In all honesty as well, I'm not sure about this claim that it's pregnancy not BF that wrecks your boobs. Mine didn't grow that much when I was pregnant, it was when my milk came in they got big and stayed that way quite a while. I'm sure it must have been that that did the damage. They're not too bad but they're not what they were.

My boobs were terrible anyway, because of weight gain, so pregancy and the breastfeeding I did manage to do, didn't seem to make the situation any worse.

I can't pass the pencil test - in fact, if I try, the pencil can get lost there for weeks!!

scarygirl - thank you for making the point i wanted to make. I have just found out i am pg with my second and know i won't be able to bf due to medication i am on. Being told this is similar to feeding him/her a diet of mcdonalds is upsetting and makes the poster sound very sanctimonious.

No doubt i will be 'excused' my bf failings as they are due to medical reasons but wish i didn't have to listen to this crap in the first place - the principle is still the same.

Pregnancy does your stomach, and to a lesser extent your boobs, in because they (she says, stating the obvious) expand and then contract - leaving you with a not quite so bad version of when a really overweight person loses it all - excess skin and so forth, a concertina when you bend down etc. BF compounds this as your boobs expand even more and then change slightly in size on an hourly basis. I expect, to be honest, that the adverse effects are greater for those of us who had smaller boobs to start with, those of us who only have a great cleavage whilst we are bfing (a bit more when pregnant but really noticeably when bfing) - only then, sadly, what nature gave nature taketh away, big time.

My American SIL is an 'extended' feeder - nephew until five, niece (six years younger - well it certainly seemed to work for that!) for, well, we dunno, her DH apparently told her to stop. And she admits that her norks are shot to pieces. Of course that is - before anybody rushes in here - a truly extreme example and, as previously pointed out, way beyond usual practice here.

Oh and if a varm decides to go mainly for one boob, despite all efforts to make said varm treat the other equally, you end up lop-sided! This was only noticeable after my second, fussy, varm. I should have painted a scary face on it (ie boob not baby). Incidently when I mentioned this to the radiographer at a mammogram session (after stopping bfing! and abroad where they do these things earlier!) she smiled in sympathy and said that yes, that can happen after bfing. this was a medical professional who saw nothing but boobs all day (poor woman).

I should add that it's not that bad honest! If you gave me a free plastic surgery credit I'd definitely go for something else. But to say that there are never any effects on any Bfer's body is just not true. You have to give the whole picture.

OP how long did you BF for, and how many chn?

YABU.
Apart from the fact that how she chooses to feed really isn't up to you, you seem to be shoving your opinion in her face.

"I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.".
I'm not surprised - she probably feels like you are trying to railroad her and is purposefully not reading it because she knows you want her to.

Maybe your sister has genuine reasons why she doesn't want to BF and if it is to do with maintaining the appearance of her breasts then so what? For some people that kind of thing is really important to their self esteem. I have a friend who didn't BF purely because she wanted to go on a diet to lose her baby weight asap but I didn't slate her because it was her decision.

My sister in law decided she didnt want to bf her son. Despite being pro bfing. I realised it was her decision and just supported her. I am so glad I just supported her as a few years later I found out that both my brother and my sister in law were hiv positive. They got diagnosed early on in the pregnancy and obviously meant she could not bf. They chose not to tell anyone.
Im certainly not saying this is the case with your sister. But you just dont always know why people make decisions and they have every right not to discuss they decisions and the reasons for them with anyone they dont want to.
She may well be coming across as not wanting to for selfish reasons because she feels she can not discuss how she really feels about bf or her real reasons. Or it may well be she doesnt want to do it for 'selfish reasons', but you cant possibly know. So its probably best to not say anything.

I tried desperately to BF my DD, to no avail, I struggled and struggled with mastitis, a crying hungry baby and the horrible feeling of total inadequacy.

I had NO help from MW's HVs etc as the breast is best mantra was all they would push, and push they did. I even saw a BF specialist to no avail.

I eventually gave up when my sister found me crying on my hands and knees in the yard, in just a skirt and my bra and said enough was enough.

It DESTROYED the first six months with my daughter. Even after giving up BF she and I struggled together. I have NEVER got over it, we took a long time to bond, and I mean a long time - probably close to 18 months.

The guilt and sense of failure have never left me, but the guilt from the damage to our relationship is worse.

Fortunately now we are as close as can be. But the damage is huge.

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my second, and I will literally give my baby a week max for BF (if at all) and if it goes the way of my first experience I will put him straight onto formula without a moment's hesitation.

I will NEVER risk the emotional damage again, breast is not always best.

I bet if the OP didn't BF for whatever reason she wouldn't give too hoots about whether her niece if BF or no! She probably want a pat on the back for herself doing the "right thing" and BF, and people to look down on her sister. Tsk tsk.

However.... I do think it's good to keep BF option open and at least give it a go.

Just don't think it would be that big of a deal to me like it is to the OP if my sister didn't want to.

I really do struggle with this one. OP - I understand how you feel, really I do. I do think it's selfish not to even want to try (unless there are other issues at stake, which there quite often are). However, I think someone earlier made a good point that you might not know her real reasons - so I think it's best to reserve judgement. A really good friend did not bf and I found out that it was because some had terrible depression after a horrid event in her life, and had to take heavy duty pills. I would hate to have made any judgements about her not bfing when I didn't know the full story.

Also our society is not really compatible with bf, unfortunately - and we are often conditioned to see breasts as sexual. Therefore many peoplem are turned off by the idea - and this is very sad but not directly their fault.

However, if someone genuinely has no reasons other than cosmetic, and there are no other factors at play, then yes - I do (privately irl of course)think it's a selfish decision. Name me someone who doesn't make any judgements, ever? So YANBU to think it.

However many of us do selfish things, me included. I also agree that trying to convince her is really not worth it and will cause problems - the best thing people can do to encourage bf is to model it and try and reinforce it as a normal, everyday part of life. You sound like you have done this from your own bf experience - really, I don't think you can reasonably do anything else. So I'm afraid I think YABU to bombard her with uninvited information and keep on at her.

Also - if she has said she may bf for a month - this is great! It's not like my SIL who said "yuk. No way am I doing that"! ;)

stellamel - I had a pretty similar experience with ds1. Every time he woke up for a feed I cried, it was horrible. It was certainly a major part in my pnd and certainly affected my bonding with ds1. But I couldnt bring myself to give up because 'breast is best', so I carried on crying with every feed and slipping deeper and deeper into depression. When I finally did give up I beat myself up with guilt for a long time.
When I got preg with ds2. I nearly decided not to bf at all but decided I needed to have a different attitude. To give it go if I had problems to give it up with no guilt at least I had tried. Thankfully ds2 feed like a dream and I actually enjoyed bf.
I just wanted to let you know it doesnt always go the same way as with the first. And if it does its not the end of the word, although it often feels like it. I am very pro bfing but also think the mothers emotional health and the affect that can have on a baby and the ability to bond is just as important as the benefits of bfing. We have to do what is best for both mother and baby and sometimes that is not bfing. We can only do our best and should not feel guilty if bfing does not work out.
Wish you all the best with baby no 2

Thank you for that orangehead. I agree totally, I know my PND was down to the BF.

I have 99% decided to try to BF again, but with the same proviso you made, if it doesn't work I'll give up without guilt.

i cant believe how very unreasonable you are being, it's none of your business how she feeds her child FFS!!

OP - I would feel the same in your position but there's no point in beating your head against a brick wall. You know breast is better but there's not much you can do about it if your sister doesn't get it, or worse, gets it but still decides she doesn't want to give it a go.
By the way it's not breastfeeding that knackers your boobs it's the hormones during pregnancy so tell her it's too late anyway...