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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my DH to take the train to work??

60 replies

alfiesmadmother · 30/10/2009 09:24

Can't stop crying about this today- stupid pregnant woman!

I'm heavily pregnant with 3 DC under 7. We are a one car family. It's half term this week and I have had a week of bored kids/park/nothing to do- it's not been too bad, the kids have been great. We live out of the way with only a corner shop, which is fine really.

Today I addressed the issue suggesting DH could have left the car and caught the train/ bus. It would be a 30 min train journey and a ten minute bus drive. He said if I had told him I had specific plans he would have but i would have to pick him up- so drive through rush hour traffic into town then back with him at tea/ bath time. Fair enough.

But is it unreasonable to say he should actually leave the car for his pregnant wife and 3 kids as a priority and make his own way too and from work?? That he should put us first and let us have the car for half term even if we didn't have specific plans.

Just need to know if I am being a selfish over emotional (bored, fat, fed up) pregnant woman!! And what do other people do?

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 30/10/2009 09:26

Good grief woman, of course you should have the car! If his journey to work by public transport is that easy, why on earth don't you have the car every day, half-term or not!? He's being incredibly selfish imo.

thirtysomething · 30/10/2009 09:27

I think you are being reasonable - he could heave left you the car on some days so you could take the kids further afield. His journey doesn't sound that bad and it sounds like he has little comprehension of how hard it is keeping 3 children occupied in the school holidays.

However it may have been better to have this conversation before the holidays rather than saying what he could have done after the event....it may be he doesn't suggest things spontaneously - you actually have to ask if you want the car rather than waiting for him to offer?

emsyj · 30/10/2009 09:30

This is why I insisted we buy a second car the very moment we moved out of London. Men will not be separated from their precious cars IME, and will prefer to drive for 10 mins and then leave the car idle outside the office all day long than take a 20 minute bus ride and let their wife use the car for shopping, transporting children etc etc.

Yes, he SHOULD have left the car for you and he SHOULD have got the train/bus BOTH ways, but men generally need to be asked to do these sort of thoughtful things that women do naturally (again, IME - before everyone leaps down my throat to correct me). YANBU, but you are wasting your time expecting your DH to think of this stuff himself - next time, just ask him/tell him.

FrightsMonth · 30/10/2009 09:32

Have you got the car? If so, wipe your tears and go out for the day. Pick him up from work and make him take you all out for tea.

itsmeolord · 30/10/2009 09:32

Was he being a bit defensive as you asked him after the fact as it were?

Not unreasonable to ask for the car for half term. It's not just about having plans, it's about getting three kids to the shops easily if you need something, about being able to be spontaneous over half term if you want to.

Weegle · 30/10/2009 09:32

YANBU - I absolutely would go loopy without my car (live in similar sounding location, except we don't even have a corner shop anymore just a newsagents) and I only have one DC (and also heavily pg). I use it at least once a day - regardless of it being half term. And if DH's commute was that easy by public transport, we wouldn't have a second car. I think he should be doing that anyway regardless of half term, and I don't see why you should have to go and collect him either - seems really selfish of him to me.

alwayslookingforanswers · 30/10/2009 09:34

Assuming that money isn't the issue (ie public transport round here costs a lot more than driving a car through rushhour) then YANBU.

MrsBadger · 30/10/2009 09:38

yanbu to want to work out a sensible carshare arrangement with dh

yab u pg / hormonal to cry about it and think dh is unreasonable and selfish

it just hadn't occurred to him you might want it, so he wasn't keeping it from you maliciously

Dry your eyes and make a plan together for the Christmas hols

Stigaloid · 30/10/2009 09:38

YANBU - your husbane has been selfish and thoughtless.

Original poster

alfiesmadmother · 30/10/2009 09:42

Oh wow thanks for the support! No he has got the car, I started crying with frustration when he left in it and the anger has just boiled over. I think the main issues are

-work does have priority, he needs a job and needs to get to work.
-I am a bit soft and feel sorry for him taking train/bus, especially when it's dark at night and you just want to gt home- and the fact I don't like driving at in the dark/rush hour means I am being softer to aviod the issue of me picking him up!
-and yes I made the mistake of not setting out my stall before half term (stupid pregnant emotion)
-I didn't have specific plans so never pushed the issue day to day
-and men JUST DON'T THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but

I am on maternity leave and always got the bus to work after dropping kids off at childminder/school and would never have dreamt of leaving him carless without the kids.

And now I am going to be angry because this is the last half term before I have the baby and because i couldn't be more assertive/selfish I have wasted it not being able to get about.

I suppose i just expected him to say oh poor you haveing 3 kids/big bump/no car/nothing to do you have the car, I will get the train to work this week. Which is probably not realistic.

OP posts:

cory · 30/10/2009 09:43

I think mrsBadger is right; he probably just hadn't thought about it, so got a bit defensive

but his commute sounds nothing to make a fuss about, unless it is indeed hideously expensive

ilovemydogandmrobama · 30/10/2009 09:44

Maybe next time, you drive him to work and he takes public transport home if there isn't enough time in the morning?

OrmIrian · 30/10/2009 09:47

No you aren't unreasonable. We also have one car these days and the unwritten rule is that the car stays with whoever has the DC. Unless there are other factors involved.

But I didn't see in your post that your DH said no to the suggestion. I take it he did?

dollius · 30/10/2009 09:49

This is outrageous. We have two cars so DH can get to station, but if one is out of action, he walks the 1.5 miles to the station (adds 25 mins to his already long journey). He would not dream of taking my car, and I am not heavily pregnant and only have two children.

Your DH is being utterly selfish. What are you supposed to do in an emergency?

MrsBadger · 30/10/2009 09:49

and do not beat yourself up for 'wasting the half term' or 'not being assertive enough' or anything

you got through half term heavily pg with three kids and none of them killed each other (or you), which sounds like a total success in my book

have you got something fun to do for yourself booked for Monday when they're back at school? manicure? haircut? hot date with a nice cake in a cafe?

alwayslookingforanswers · 30/10/2009 09:51

mind you I don't drive - so even when I was pregnant if I wanted to go out with the other DS's it was walk or bus for me. DH had a car for work - but we're currently car less.

So I guess I do find it a bit hard to get worked up about not having access to a car - pregnant or not.

alwayslookingforanswers · 30/10/2009 09:52

actually even if I did drive and we had a car I still wouldn't expect him to leave the car with me either .

dollius · 30/10/2009 09:52

Just to add, that when roles are reversed (me working, DH at home for day, only one car), I also walk the 1.5 miles to and from the station. I would not expect him to stay at home without a car.

And we have long commutes - 1.5 hours each way even with a car to get to the station.

Car stays with whoever has the children. Absurd to think otherwise.

SecretNinjaChipmunk · 30/10/2009 09:53

i think next half term/ holiday you should spend some time on your own with newborn dc and make him take a couple of days holiday and let him see how to occupy the other 3? maybe then the reality will hit home a little more, maybe he just needs to actually experience it if that makes sense?
but don't cry, and don't think you are being unreasonable. and public transport is not that bad. why would he insist you pick him up, can he not get himself to work/ home on the train/ bus? he's a grown man for gods sake! its not the krypton factor!

juuule · 30/10/2009 09:58

How long does it take him to get to work using the car?

EyeballsintheSky · 30/10/2009 10:09

We have two cars but DH's car was out of action a few months back and he took my car to work. I got the train to work instead of driving (not nice, I hate trains and get panic attacks on them) and was carless at home on the days I don't work. I only have one dc and I was going out of my tree. I eventually started driving him to work and picking him up so I could have my car back during the day. Never occurred to him he shouldn't have it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2009 10:14

yanbu

he should have got train/bus

you should have the car

can he ride a bike to train station, padlock it up, get train, then bus?

and vic versia on way home?

so as you only have one car, does this mean you are carless EVERY day?

AnnieLobeseder · 30/10/2009 10:27

I agree with those who say the car goes to whoever has the DC. Can't believe how anal some DHs on here are about having the car.

Why is it that it would never occur to most women to leave their DH in a difficult situation when they could help to make it easier with a little sacrifice, eg leaving a car. But men need to have it pointed out to them that they could help out - thinking of others just doesn't seem to come naturally to them at all.

juuule · 30/10/2009 10:34

Our car goes to whoever needs it at the time, not who has the children.
Most days dh takes it to work.
If I've arranged to go somewhere that would be easier to get to with the car whether with or without the children then I get the car.
I think with one car it's better to plan ahead a bit.
If you need the car more now that you're pg and it would make life easier at the moment then you need to let your dh know how you feel.
Hopefully you'll both be able to sort something that suits both of you.

MrsBadger · 30/10/2009 10:46

re "thinking of others just doesn't seem to come naturally to [men] at all", personally I think this is a huge and widespread cause of unneccessary marital strife.

Woman: You never think about me or what I might like to do
Man: You expect me to read your bloody mind
Woman: You treat me like a doormat
Man: You act like a martyr

It may be defeatist and unfeminist but I have decided to meet DH on his own terms ie ask for what I want. Once he knows he is usually more than happy to help, and it is a lot less stressful than huffing and sighing and waiting for him to offer and the feeling like shit when he doesn't.

But I appreciate I am weird

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