to expect my DH to take the train to work??

[alfiesmadmother]

Can't stop crying about this today- stupid pregnant woman!

I'm heavily pregnant with 3 DC under 7. We are a one car family. It's half term this week and I have had a week of bored kids/park/nothing to do- it's not been too bad, the kids have been great. We live out of the way with only a corner shop, which is fine really.

Today I addressed the issue suggesting DH could have left the car and caught the train/ bus. It would be a 30 min train journey and a ten minute bus drive. He said if I had told him I had specific plans he would have but i would have to pick him up- so drive through rush hour traffic into town then back with him at tea/ bath time. Fair enough.

But is it unreasonable to say he should actually leave the car for his pregnant wife and 3 kids as a priority and make his own way too and from work?? That he should put us first and let us have the car for half term even if we didn't have specific plans.

Just need to know if I am being a selfish over emotional (bored, fat, fed up) pregnant woman!! And what do other people do?

[mamas12]

Yes forgot to say Why do you have the car on condition you pick him at the most inconvenient time?
He is an adult he can get himself home on his own can't he. He expects you to with a bump and three dcs. WTF
Be kind to yourself more alfie honestly.

[WebDude]

As someone has suggested - get over feeling any guilt about using the car and 'depriving' him of it - he's (AFAIK) healthy, and certainly not carrying a "bump"

He could surely use public transport BOTH WAYS 2 or 3 days a week, every week, and you must not feel any guilt about it - your needs are greater than his, as someone else indicated, just doing things to keep DC occupied/ fed/ happy is a job on its own, and something you're coping with, even if things didn't go as smoothly as they might have (with some 'consideration' from DH) over half-term...

Don't feel that you're "putting upon" him or depriving him - he's probably really just not thought it through, and a runaround car would only be considered because he so resents acknowledging you need the car just as much, if not more, and that when it sits outside his office all day, it's really far from useful for either of you - just makes his life a smidgen easier, where it would make significant difference for you, were you to have easy access!

Even if he does the main shopping once a week and needed the car for that, it's only ONCE A WEEK, but you have responsibility of several youngsters and don't need the stress of arguments over it - he should back down if he has an ounce of care in him !

[blueshoes]

Agree with juuule.

I can understand your hormones are all over the place. Plus having 3 dcs ...

I find it helps to be more organised and plan ahead for half term. Ask for the car if you need it, with decent notice - don't expect him to read your mind.

Treat maternity leave as if you were at work, only you are looking after the family, rather than doing a paid job. That means thinking ahead which activities you are going to do on which days and what you will need to do it, giving dh ample notice ...

Because I had playdates and activities booked out for quite a few days during the half term (not every day has to be planned), it was clear I would need a car to ferry children around to tennis. I would need to buy ingredients for making a cake if that was one of the playdate activities etc.

Sometimes I do think the logistics of running a family (and your is big) is very challenging, more so than doing paid work.

[tinierclanger]

Or perhaps get him to take a couple of days off or the weekend to look after the kids while you go away IN THE CAR and stay with a friend/your mum to have a rest and some pampering time. And then he may be more conscious of why having the car helps so much.

[mamas12]

why are you putting yourself and the dcs last.
I know he has to earn a living but that's it isn't it. You are living with £ dcs and another on the way.
I am so shocked that you live like this while he is in seeming luxery. Petulant behaviour too, not at all a caring way to go about looking after your family is it.
Start sticking up for your more alfie. and put the family priorities first. You need the car he gets the bus.
Stop feeling guilty if it wasn't for you there wouldn't be a family for him to come home to so stick up for yourself

[juuule]

I think you've got to get over guilt tripping yourself.

Think seriously about whether you do need a car or not or whether you are okay planning ahead to use it. Maybe you split the week so that you have it on certain days and your dh has it on others, then plan days out around it.

If you decide that you need it quite a lot then don't feel guilty about getting a second car if your dh feels that he needs the car for work.

You should be able to work out something between you.

[nellie12]

why would you feel guilty about another car. I dont think we can afford a second car but I wouldn't begrudge anyone else another car - especially if you have 4 kids to cart round.

If he is willing to fund another car go for it. btw if you have 4 kids he gets the run around in my book.

[alfiesmadmother]

Thank you so much for all your replies! I can't believe I have wasted 24 hours getting so upset/emotional/angry about this!! I took the kids to the park yesterday and the bus missed on the way back. We were stuck for an hour by a busy road, I just felt sorry for the kids but I guess it toughens them up and teaches them to behave.

We had a massive argument about this last night so now he has come over all stubborn and said fine I will take the bus 'just in case you need the car' , after telling me to stop my moaning! I guess I have always caught the bus as I worked 20 minutes away on a direct bus route and he has go so used to it. Even though I only worked 2 days now I am on maternity leave ( and feel like an elephant) but the car was his really- even though we bought it together and pay together.

So now I feel really guilty thinking poor DH if I don't need the car I an manage fine at home- and half term is over so it's too late now anyway

I really don't think he has meant to hold the car from us- but I just wish he thought like me - nice as he is it just does not occur to him how hard it is with 3 little ones and a bump, swollen ankles, rotten weather etc But I guess having to work every day isn't easy anyway.

This morning the issue of another car came up- I so wish I had a little run around- but we really don't havethe money. DH suggested borrowing the money but then I would feel guilty justifying having two cars, when some people can't even have a car. I guess one car is the price I am going to have to pay for having so many children

Still depressing though!

[ImSoNotTelling]

Oh whoops he normally drives all the way?

He ought to be getting the train really, for some reason I assumed he was driving to the station

[CarGirl]

40 minutes on the train reading or listening to ipod is hardly a big deal really.

[ImSoNotTelling]

The hour commute though is mainly on the train. The car bit is shortening the 10 min bus part.

I really don't think his commute is a big deal at all.

[nellie12]

mmm not sure. If he has an hours commute to work and you have no plans to go out then I think yabu to expect him to give the car up.

If however you say you want the car as you would like to go out then he is bvu to expect you to pick him up (with 3 dc in tow at tea time)

If the car is so important to him for work and you live out in the sticks then trying to squeeze a second car out of the budget seems reasonable.

We only have one car but there is decent public transport so I'm not completely stuck when at home but if there wasn't then I would be agitating to get another car or move house.

Anyway think of all the stress of driving you've missed and the stress of 3 dc in crowded places whilst heavily pregnant and no-one to help.

[CarGirl]

Actually I think he is being completely selfish.

I have 4 dc and there is no way I would agree to the set up you have if my dc did stuff that wasn't in comfortable walking distance.

Perhaps new baby new rules over car use??? You won't be able to go and pick him up in rush hour with 4 dc it is the wrong time of day - tea time/bath time etc.

What planet is he on?

Get him a motorbike?

[ImSoNotTelling]

I don't understand why you have to pick him up? If he can get in under his own steam then he can get back too.

I understand why you are feeling upset but you should have broached it before the holidays, rather than hopeing he'd twig by himself. He's used to taking the car so he just carried on as normal, oblivious.

If it were us I think we'd probably take it in turns to have the car. If neitehr of us really needed it IYSWIM. If one of us needed it then they would have it.

[Twintummy]

He's selfish. My DH can be a selfish sod but he would never think to take the car. He has a 25 minute walk then train to work. He's started cyling to the station. I've offered to drop him to the station but he likes the exercise.

[tinierclanger]

You need to be specific. Maybe not all men but certainly a lot of them just don't tune in to your needs in the same way. Tell him you have plans and you need the car. If he wants to know in detail, just give him some random stuff. Or just request it for every other day.

If he still protests, then he is being a selfish git. His commute sounds fine by public transport.

[foxinsocks]

I have to be honest and say when I was pregnant or at home on ML with small babies/toddlers, I didn't ask for the car but probably because I'd never had it so didn't think about it. Dh who was dp at the time had always taken the car to work and so it carried on that way.

I suppose best thing to do is tell him you want the arrangements to change. He's probably just got into the habit of taking the car. Or does he have a genuine problem with public transport? (some people do)

[dollius]

"men just don't think in this thoughful emphatic way, i don't think it's selfishness because it's not deliberate they just can't do it."

This is utter nonsense.

Men are just as capable as women of putting other people's needs first. My DH does it all the time, and so do the majority of my friends' DHs.

He is being a selfish idiot. Expecting a heavily pregnant (or even a not-pregnant) mother with three kids to take the bus everywhere when there is a family car is pathetic.

He absolutely should take public transport and you should not have to drive anywhere to pick him up either.

[WebDude]

Have seen a few more posts now, and think that you should not need to pick him up at all... let him make his own way both ways. Good to see a number of others have use of car, and hope you sort it out amicably!

[WebDude]

Perhaps you should now "put your foot down" and tell him that up until the time of you having your baby, you will need the car every week, at least 3 days a week, so you can do run of the mill things and he will have to make use of public transport (admittedly not seen comment on whether it is cheaper by car than public transport) in both directions on those days when you are using the car.

Certainly your needs are greater than his, and he can like it or lump it. You don't need the extra hassle and he's clearly not thinking straight if he expects to just use the car to/from work and leave you without it all the time!

[ruddynorah]

why do you have to pick him up? you say you don't like driving in the dark or in rush hour..and his compromise to you is that you do just that! is there not a train home?

he doesn't need the car 'for' work does he? i mean when he's actually working does he need it for driving between clients or something? if not he just needs it to get to work..so a train is fine for that.

you on the other hand would be greatly convenienced by having access EVERY day so as to avoid a 1 hour school run, buses for your kids activities etc etc. you actually need the car 'for' looking after the kids. while he's at work his car just sits there yes? while you faff about with buses.

[aristoBLACKcat]

we have one car and i have it always

DH cycles to work every day because we agree that me/2 DCs need it more than him
is cycling an option for him?

agree that next time you must tell him when you want to have the car and plan around it. arrange something nice for yourself on monday, haircut/manicure/retail therapy

[Pikelit]

It's only very recently and with positively ancient offspring and me having a home-based business,that we've given up the second car. I detest unnecessary car travel but there's only so much hassle and family grief that can be set against environmental principles. We do live in the middle of nowhere though. When I lived in town and had younger children I expected ex-dh and dp to get themselves to work. Either on foot, bike or by the perfectly decent network of buses and trains.

So no, YANBU but it may be that two cars are the only solution.

[Bathsheba]

From reading this, am I right in thinking that you were waiting for him to offer, rather than asking..??

So he'd be happy to use public transport, if you need the car...but you didn't ever say you needed the car - you were waiting for himto offer...

I'm not going to generalise about "men do this" etc - however, people aren't going to change a status quo they are happy with (him taking the car to work) without some interaction from you....

Dry your tears, and move on...but the next time, when it gets to Christmas holidays, be assertive...!!!! Either say in advance "can I have the car on Monday, Wednesday and Friday" or offer some sort of compromise - I an understand why he prefers to get to work in his own "mobile castle" - so offer to drive him in, and drive him home, rather than take public transport - is there anything you can do with the kids in the town where he works etc......

[juuule]

I do agree that on days that you have the car he should use public transport to work and back and you shouldn't have to pick him up.