to expect my DH to take the train to work??

[alfiesmadmother]

Can't stop crying about this today- stupid pregnant woman!

I'm heavily pregnant with 3 DC under 7. We are a one car family. It's half term this week and I have had a week of bored kids/park/nothing to do- it's not been too bad, the kids have been great. We live out of the way with only a corner shop, which is fine really.

Today I addressed the issue suggesting DH could have left the car and caught the train/ bus. It would be a 30 min train journey and a ten minute bus drive. He said if I had told him I had specific plans he would have but i would have to pick him up- so drive through rush hour traffic into town then back with him at tea/ bath time. Fair enough.

But is it unreasonable to say he should actually leave the car for his pregnant wife and 3 kids as a priority and make his own way too and from work?? That he should put us first and let us have the car for half term even if we didn't have specific plans.

Just need to know if I am being a selfish over emotional (bored, fat, fed up) pregnant woman!! And what do other people do?

[minxofmancunia]

agree with Mrs Badger, men just don't think in this thoughful emphatic way, i don't think it's selfishness because it's not deliberate they just can't do it.

dh plays badminton with his mates and goes tothe pub afterwards every friday, when I was having a particularly tough time at work I said I was sick of spending every friday on my own after a shitty week at work. His response, bewilderment "just say and I'll cancel badminton" my response "but it would be so nice if you noticed how upset i was and thought I know I'll do something nice for her and spend friday with her to cheer her up instead of going out all eve" his response "but you didn't tell me...." me "it would be nive if you offered rather than me having to stay" him "but I'll cancel if you aks me to" etc. etc. etc.

You have to be blunt, otherwise you'll get nowhere.

btw yanbu, being with kids=having car

[alfiesmadmother]

Ok, he has never said no. He said if you need the car I will get the bus to work but you will have to pick me up- fair enough. But every day just got up and gone- because I haven't asked him. My main gripe is his thoughtlessnes.

Anyway just had a huge argument on the phone and he still doesn't get it! He said why should I get the bus to work if you don't need it during the day? I could have done all manner of things this week- visit relatives, go to the nature park, go to the supermarket...I have not needed to go but it may have been nice. As it happens i have had a nice week with the kids- baking, being resourceful, playing out in the nice weather and they have been fine- just me being tearful every morning about not having the car! I just shouted you don't need the car either- loads of people take public transport!! His journey by car takes 45 mins where it would be 50 mins to an hour depending on waiting times.

And no I do not have access to a car at all in term time. We walk to school/Nursery, the whole run takes an hour- and I have never once complained even when it's chucking it down, that's life. I do have access to the car at weekends and if I need it in the evenings.

Need to go and calm down now!

[alwayslookingforanswers]

couldn't you have taken the kids on the bus to do those things??

Lots of people don't have a car at all and still manage to entertain the children/take them out .

[Meandacat]

YANBU - he doesn't need the car, wherease you do.

In fact, if his commute is so flippin' easy - and from your description it is, btw - he should leave the car at home regardless of whether you need it or not. People need to use public transport more, imo. Maybe then there'd be more investment in it.

[Meandacat]

Amendment to my message. People who can easily do so should use public transport more, imo. Maybe then there'd be more investment in it.

I think having kids in tow can make using it difficult, hence you have car priority.

[Uriel]

Not if she lives 'out of the way', always.

[alfiesmadmother]

Yes! I normally do that's the point. While the car sits at work. But paying for myself and 3 kids on the bus is actually more expensive. And the bus routes are not that great so we have spent many a day wet at bus stops. During the week I take them on the bus to football and swimming. The point is I just would have liked DH to say you 4 have the car, I can get the bus, and the fact that his needs come before ours. Being pregnant with 3 kids is exhausting and I would be more inclined to take them out if I could nip in the car.

[juuule]

"He said if you need the car I will get the bus to work but you will have to pick me up- fair enough"

So why don't you just say that you need the car?

[Uriel]

I actually think op's dh is being a bit of a wimp. A 40 minute commute's nothing. Making your pregnant wife drive in rush hour traffic with your kids at tea/bath time is very selfish.

[juuule]

I do agree that on days that you have the car he should use public transport to work and back and you shouldn't have to pick him up.

[Bathsheba]

From reading this, am I right in thinking that you were waiting for him to offer, rather than asking..??

So he'd be happy to use public transport, if you need the car...but you didn't ever say you needed the car - you were waiting for himto offer...

I'm not going to generalise about "men do this" etc - however, people aren't going to change a status quo they are happy with (him taking the car to work) without some interaction from you....

Dry your tears, and move on...but the next time, when it gets to Christmas holidays, be assertive...!!!! Either say in advance "can I have the car on Monday, Wednesday and Friday" or offer some sort of compromise - I an understand why he prefers to get to work in his own "mobile castle" - so offer to drive him in, and drive him home, rather than take public transport - is there anything you can do with the kids in the town where he works etc......

[Pikelit]

It's only very recently and with positively ancient offspring and me having a home-based business,that we've given up the second car. I detest unnecessary car travel but there's only so much hassle and family grief that can be set against environmental principles. We do live in the middle of nowhere though. When I lived in town and had younger children I expected ex-dh and dp to get themselves to work. Either on foot, bike or by the perfectly decent network of buses and trains.

So no, YANBU but it may be that two cars are the only solution.

[aristoBLACKcat]

we have one car and i have it always

DH cycles to work every day because we agree that me/2 DCs need it more than him
is cycling an option for him?

agree that next time you must tell him when you want to have the car and plan around it. arrange something nice for yourself on monday, haircut/manicure/retail therapy

[ruddynorah]

why do you have to pick him up? you say you don't like driving in the dark or in rush hour..and his compromise to you is that you do just that! is there not a train home?

he doesn't need the car 'for' work does he? i mean when he's actually working does he need it for driving between clients or something? if not he just needs it to get to work..so a train is fine for that.

you on the other hand would be greatly convenienced by having access EVERY day so as to avoid a 1 hour school run, buses for your kids activities etc etc. you actually need the car 'for' looking after the kids. while he's at work his car just sits there yes? while you faff about with buses.

[WebDude]

Perhaps you should now "put your foot down" and tell him that up until the time of you having your baby, you will need the car every week, at least 3 days a week, so you can do run of the mill things and he will have to make use of public transport (admittedly not seen comment on whether it is cheaper by car than public transport) in both directions on those days when you are using the car.

Certainly your needs are greater than his, and he can like it or lump it. You don't need the extra hassle and he's clearly not thinking straight if he expects to just use the car to/from work and leave you without it all the time!

[WebDude]

Have seen a few more posts now, and think that you should not need to pick him up at all... let him make his own way both ways. Good to see a number of others have use of car, and hope you sort it out amicably!

[dollius]

"men just don't think in this thoughful emphatic way, i don't think it's selfishness because it's not deliberate they just can't do it."

This is utter nonsense.

Men are just as capable as women of putting other people's needs first. My DH does it all the time, and so do the majority of my friends' DHs.

He is being a selfish idiot. Expecting a heavily pregnant (or even a not-pregnant) mother with three kids to take the bus everywhere when there is a family car is pathetic.

He absolutely should take public transport and you should not have to drive anywhere to pick him up either.

[foxinsocks]

I have to be honest and say when I was pregnant or at home on ML with small babies/toddlers, I didn't ask for the car but probably because I'd never had it so didn't think about it. Dh who was dp at the time had always taken the car to work and so it carried on that way.

I suppose best thing to do is tell him you want the arrangements to change. He's probably just got into the habit of taking the car. Or does he have a genuine problem with public transport? (some people do)

[tinierclanger]

You need to be specific. Maybe not all men but certainly a lot of them just don't tune in to your needs in the same way. Tell him you have plans and you need the car. If he wants to know in detail, just give him some random stuff. Or just request it for every other day.

If he still protests, then he is being a selfish git. His commute sounds fine by public transport.

[Twintummy]

He's selfish. My DH can be a selfish sod but he would never think to take the car. He has a 25 minute walk then train to work. He's started cyling to the station. I've offered to drop him to the station but he likes the exercise.

[ImSoNotTelling]

I don't understand why you have to pick him up? If he can get in under his own steam then he can get back too.

I understand why you are feeling upset but you should have broached it before the holidays, rather than hopeing he'd twig by himself. He's used to taking the car so he just carried on as normal, oblivious.

If it were us I think we'd probably take it in turns to have the car. If neitehr of us really needed it IYSWIM. If one of us needed it then they would have it.

[CarGirl]

Actually I think he is being completely selfish.

I have 4 dc and there is no way I would agree to the set up you have if my dc did stuff that wasn't in comfortable walking distance.

Perhaps new baby new rules over car use??? You won't be able to go and pick him up in rush hour with 4 dc it is the wrong time of day - tea time/bath time etc.

What planet is he on?

Get him a motorbike?

[nellie12]

mmm not sure. If he has an hours commute to work and you have no plans to go out then I think yabu to expect him to give the car up.

If however you say you want the car as you would like to go out then he is bvu to expect you to pick him up (with 3 dc in tow at tea time)

If the car is so important to him for work and you live out in the sticks then trying to squeeze a second car out of the budget seems reasonable.

We only have one car but there is decent public transport so I'm not completely stuck when at home but if there wasn't then I would be agitating to get another car or move house.

Anyway think of all the stress of driving you've missed and the stress of 3 dc in crowded places whilst heavily pregnant and no-one to help.

[ImSoNotTelling]

The hour commute though is mainly on the train. The car bit is shortening the 10 min bus part.

I really don't think his commute is a big deal at all.