and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

I would absolutely hate to be a SAHM. I would worry that my husband might see me in a different way ie 'just a wife/mum/skivvy' (have heard this before from men ), and I feel like work defines a big part of my personality. I would also hate to be financially dependent on someone, because it would make me feel trapped and powerless.

But if you don't feel these things, then it's fine. I think it would be a bit worrying if your husband was being restrictive or controlling with how much money you could have and what you were spending it on, as it would imply that he didn't trust your judgment, and that would really be 'old-fashioned housewife'. But that isn't the case.

As long as you feel confident and valued, that's all that matters.

Scottish mummy didn't say it was synonymous (exactly the opposite in fact) - she was responding to someone who said SAHM should be paid a wage.

That is why I find people explaining what they do all day odd. If you are not being paid you do not need to justify your day. Nobody is bothered if you balance your cheque book and walk your dog between 9 and 3 or not.

yes the status of sahm is low.but that is a different issue from arguing sahm should attract a wage.

otherwise i would have 2 wages
my ft job (yes paid and synonymous with employment)
my wage for raising family

I don't agree that job is used synonymously with paid employment. Paid employment is a sort of job; cutting the hedge or cooking a meal are also jobs.

Now when I was a SAHM I saw what I did as work, but not as a job. But that's semantics.

Tell your friend how happy you are and why. Debate it with her. Getting upset when someone offers another point of view isn't constructive.

And I don't think the point of feminism was/is choice. Choice is a massive red herring in so many areas of influence I think.

Where's dittany now we've had the F-word...?

when people ask "what's your job" they generally mean,what is your paid employment.not which tasks did you undertake today

I suppose that is why some men call having sex being 'on the job,' because you can make any act of love into something that requires some recognition (paid or otherwise) if you are cynical enough.

I don't consider looking after my own children to be a job, because I love them.

I disagree; if people ask you what job you do, saying that you do a voluntary job or are a SAHP is perfectly reasonable answer. Asking you what job you do does not equate to asking you how you pay your bills.

I totally agree that being a parent is not a job. It is hard work at times, stressful, also hugely enjoyable and fulfilling. But it's not a job. Why should anyone remunerate you for being a parent? And who would remunerate you anyway?!

I get a salary for my profession.

The parenting I (and DH) do for love.

violethill - if you stopped parenting your children, and just loved them, would life carry on as normal or would you need to employ someone to take over the parenting role?

sahp is not a job.it is economically inactive and cannot attract a legitimate wage.usually being asked what job do you do,the normative answer is an occupation.

Then it's just a badly worded question Anna, IMO...

To which I would have responded "I'm a teacher, but I'm not working at the moment. I have young children and am studying part time". Both work. Neither a job.

I wouldn't employ anyone to 'parent' my children. DH and I are the only parents to them.

I do, however, employ a cleaner

Don't you ever write yourself lists of jobs to be done? Without a hope in hell of being paid for them

• redecorate bathroom
• organise next summer's school holidays
• write letters of application for children's schools

etc etc

Tasks Anna .

But have lost the thread of why we're arguing about this...

yes but that doesn't make me

a painter
an administrator
nor do i seek financial remuneration for doing them

You don't have to be a paid professional in every domain in order to have a wide range of skills that you use regularly to complete all the jobs that need doing in your own life. You might well be more competent than many people who use the same skills to earn a living; you just choose not to use them that way.

Not quite sure what the questin is. Anyway, YANBU to find your situation offensive; YABU not to find your friend offensive.

If you and DH are happy with the situation and it is equal and balanced who the hell cares how you make your respective contributions to your family/society. We don't all have to go out and be high-flying career women to support the sisterhood, just like men don't all have to be high-flying career men.

Different strokes and all that.

FallenMadonna, am intrigued as to why you say feminism is not about choice. I mean, I know that it is about equality but we can't all be exactly the same so surely choice comes into it?

I agree with scottishmummy that you can't expect a capitalist system to want to pay you to look after your own kids. Viva la revolution!

This confusion about what constitutes a job crops up very regularly on MN... but it's a bit like parents who insist that a child's life is absolutely not altered by the fact that they spend a great deal of their very early years in childcare: one of the areas where it is more comfortable for many posters to remain confused!

I agree that you can't expect the state to pay you to look after your own kids, kneedeep, but I think that scottishmummy is a bit off base when she says caring for kids is not a job, economically inactive and can't attract a legitimate wage.

There are people who do this job, you know ... or have I missed the point?

are you digressing onto day care for a reason?or just admitting you haven't got a leg to stand on that sahp is a job,so changing the subject

be a cold day in hell when i care about what someone else thinks of how i raise my family

It's perfectly reasonable for a capitalist system to give SAHPs tax breaks to stay at home to raise their children.

It's perfectly reasonable for a capitalist system to give SAHPs tax breaks to stay at home to raise their children.

Because we can make apparent 'choices' which are bounded by social constraints. Surely feminism is about changing sexist social structures, rather than merely celebrating women's choices within those structures? Of course, you might not agree about the sexist social structures...

Anna - what an odd segue from the meaning of the word 'job'...