and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

Women fought for the right to choose, not the right to work to ensure we are equal.

YANBU -I have always thought that paid employment is over rated, it means that you can now have the time to do really interesting things of your own accord. You are not letting the side down-the aim must be for women to have choice.

working makes me feel happy,empowered,useful contribution,using my training and skills.working can definitely contribute to feeling sense of purpose

essentially,yes hope people are happy with their choices and maybe we all need to cut each other some slack and accept different choices

i am happy with my choices
hope you are all too

Why do we always have these debates about what SAHMs do all day? What possible difference does it make to anyone outside of that family?

sahm debacle.it restores balance when people squawk why have children if someone else watches them at us working mums

You made a choice, that's what equality is, freedom of choice that women didn't have before. Your friend should zip it.

Having spent 3yrs as fulltime SAHM I would say that the job description safely includes:
Finance manager
Household manager
Taxi driver
Social calendar PA
Chef
Cleaner
External Affairs Liaison officer
etc etc

That is hardly unfulfilling or boring and requires quite a bit of time management, organisational and influencing skills, not to mention creative flair and non-exhaustive energy.

Working fulltime, although I love my job, is way way easier and not nearly as diverse.

YANBU.

Yes Scottishmummy, but that seems to be an equally pointless debate. Why should one woman care why another woman chose to have children and be interested in how much time that woman spends with them.

These are all private matters that are not the business of other people, surely?

tinkerbellesmuse - no not at all you clearly make a contribution. You listed the things you do. I do similar (except the golf and pedicure).

Its not SAHMs I have a problem with 'its stay at home wives who contribute nothing'.

Back to the OP. Her friend is judging her on a perception of what she does but from a position of ignorance.

well mn is heaving with pointless debate.the sahm/working mum is a mn perenial.and yes trite as it is i do snigger at sahm sterotypes (keeps heat off us working mums)

and because they are as silly as working mum stereotypes

Or maybe your friend is genuinely concerned about you in the future when your DC's are much older, as she says.

I do think ABatDead has a valid point - both my SIL's are SAHM's. One has a DS of 11, one has two DD's 8 & 10. Both my BIL's have their own business, and work all the hours of the day and night to maintain their standard of living. I have seen both my SIL's throw very childish temper tantrums when told they couldn't have things they wanted (eg a boob job, a dog, a bigger house, a shopping trip to New York).

I think a marriage is team work. If this is how things work out best for you and your DH, OP, power to your elbow - although maybe have a plan for the future?

What works out best for my team is that we both work and earn, both do equal amounts in the house, and both get to enjoy our DS equally. I think it must be a huge responsibility to carry the financial survival of a whole family alone.

someone who is economically inactive cannot attract a wage.you cannot be serious. remuneration for watching your own children?

watching your own children isn't a job,it is what a parent does.you raise you nurture you give love

being a mum a job ever.
lets see
no JD,
no regulatory body,
no minimums standards of behaviour/quality
no sanctions if rubbish,
no pre-requisite training or qualifications
no checks and balances on quality
.....

not worthy of a wage

Scottishmummy, I always enjoy the SAHM/WOHM debate, but I never feel offended by, or feel the need to justify, the amount of time (quality or otherwise) that I spend with my children.

What I always find astonishing on these debates are the accusations that WOHM spend their whole time:

1.Commuting
2.'Sitting behind a desk all day'

1. 'Pushing bits of paper about'
2. Gossiping and eating 2 hour lunches.

I am not sure if the SAHMs who make these remarks do so because they presume that working mothers are only capable of doing really tedious jobs, or if they just believe all paid jobs are really tedious.

I'm a SAHM, and my children are at school from 9-3. I'm sure that looks a bit lazy to some outsiders, but actually it works for us. Come December DH will have been away (24/7 for months on end) for 75% of this year. I did work for a while, but when DS2 got ill, the house of cards came tumbling down. With me as a SAHM, DH has little stress about home related issues, and when things are going well I have a nice easy life, which makes up for the lack of rest breaks and lie-ins when I'm doing every early morning, sleepless night and school holiday. I'm happy, and if you are happy OP, then good for you

I'm a SAHM, and my children are at school from 9-3. I'm sure that looks a bit lazy to some outsiders, but actually it works for us. Come December DH will have been away (24/7 for months on end) for 75% of this year. I did work for a while, but when DS2 got ill, the house of cards came tumbling down. With me as a SAHM, DH has little stress about home related issues, and when things are going well I have a nice easy life, which makes up for the lack of rest breaks and lie-ins when I'm doing every early morning, sleepless night and school holiday. I'm happy, and if you are happy OP, then good for you

dont know i enjoy sahm/working debacle but do feel compelled at times to contribute

Scottishmuumy - your post at @ 19:54 is what I would call brave.

I love the lists of things SAHM's do - like working mums don't know that 'cos their children live in the garden and forage in bins. Working parents do those things as well, you know. And we bake with our kids, and do art projects, and get up in the night...there isn't a working parent fairy that flies in and does it all.

We make decisions about our lives that we feel are right.

Why does it matter? Jeez, live and let live. If Tinkerbellesmuse wants to live the way she does so what? Lucky her that she can. Why get annoyed with all these women in north London who 'contribute nothing'. So what? Presumably their husbands are contributing something and anyway, if they're not harming you then why worry?

I wouldn't choose Tinkerbellesmuse's life (couldn't afford to, sob), nor would I choose the life of those women who apparently 'don't contribute', but nor would I choose the life of a full-time career woman who never sees her kids. I choose the life I choose and they choose the life they choose and why should that bother or annoy anyone if it's not hurting them?

Your friend is rude and insensitive.

My honest answer to you, though, is that, while being a SAHM while your children are young can be wonderful, I would worry about any woman who was completely financially dependent on her husband in the long run. I wouldn't want to be in that situation in the long term

Also - I suppose working, to me, isn't just a way to make money. It's a way to maintain independence, outside interests, friendships, a life in the 'grown up world'. I would miss that if I were a SAHM in the long term. I would hate to wake up at 50 and have no place in thisworld outside of my home.

I wish you luck, though. I'm sure you've thought it through and in all honesty (and I say this as a working mum) I think your children are very lucky.

I haven't read what everyone else has said, so I may well be repeating myself, but I find your friend fucking anti-feminist. The capitalist world was one created by men. When women were "empowered" by equal rights legislations, feminism decided that we should have every right to earn our own money (and therefore end our financial reliance on men) ? great. However, the work we do at home fulfilling our biological roles, raising children (and therefore, making homes for them to be raised in comfortably) became unvalued as it is unpaid. I think it's fucking antifeminist to see a very naturally feminine thing (bearing and raising children) as less valuable than having a career in the world of earning. I could rant about this for hours and bore the tears out of you, but your friend is anti feminist and brain dead. Ignore her and enjoy your kids and your home and the valuable work you do.

scottishmummy - "job" is not synonymous with "paid employment"

You are essentially right Scottishmummy,

But that nevertheless doesn't justify the lack of respect given to Parents who choose to be SAH.

If it is financially viable in a relationship for one partner to take primary care of the children, then that is up to them. And stating in society that one is a SAHP should not be looked on in a demeaning way.

There is a great circle to it all and if a parent is choosing to bring a child up to be a responsible, contributing member of society then fair play to them. I don't think one should recieve renumeration for bringing up ones own children, but neither do I think it should be as undervalued as it very often is.

I am a WOHM and have done all the 'childcare' with little help apart from emergencies, but that is what I chose because I wanted the best of both worlds. I see it from both sides, and still do.

in common parlance job=paid employment.hence people differentiate between volunteering
and paid employment