and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

Violet, I don't understand why you feel the need to defend yourself so much.

BTW my mum was a SAHM and although it was lovely to have her there all the time, I did resent her for focusing all her life around me and my brother, and I was jealous of friends who had mothers who earned money and could therefore afford flashier holidays and bigger, nicer houses.

Obviously as a mum whatever you do is wrong really - from your dc's point of view.

Feirie - I don't feel the need to defend my choices for my family. I do feel the need to defend all mothers when anyone posts stating that they know the 'right way'. And suggesting that my children (who they don't even know ROFL) won't be able to make guilt free decisions!

"And Morosky, no=one said all kids from WC backgrounds have inferior lives. But the vast majority of children who are neglected in this country come from disadvamtaged backgrounds."

And you shouldn't interpret "disadvantaged" to mean "working class"! there is a whole section of society operating on the fringes that doesn't really fll into any of the traditional classes.

Poor little rich kids are sad and worthy of attention, but are you seriously claiming Anna that this is how the majority of working parent parents are with their children?

All the paretns I work with (including our managing director and chairman) take time off for school concerts and sports days; leve work promptly to see their kids then work later in the evening if necessary; take time off when their childrne are really sick.

There r pros and cons to both. I've done both thru thirteen yrs of parenting and five babies. Currently I'm tipped more into the WM mode than is good for my family and I'm unhappy about that. However Ive been unfulfilled and unhappy as a SAHM. The best times have always been when I've found the correct balance between part time work and family life

work fulfils me. People know me for my professional skills and I can have friendships based on me not as soneones wife or mum. I love work passionately when the balance is right

home is a sanctuary. However when I've been there too much it can feel like I'm trapped and thereal me is lost

Unfortunately life costs and v few families now have the luxury of existing on one income. U should never judge anyone else for the choices they make

How do parents working overseas take time off for school events or sick children?

DS does benefit greatly from me working - a roof over his head in an area where the state schooling is at least competant for one! Saving up to return to his country of birth later is another. Being able to afford regular trips to see family around the country (whom he adores) one more. Getting used to after school club 3 days a week seems a reasonable trade-off (though he may have anotehr c=view in a few years - I doubt it).

I course I have to work to provide our only income so generally I get a pitying "oh well of course if you have to...". Heaven forbid I should choose to... but interestingly the effect on DS is the same whether its choice or necessity.

I was sent to boarding school because my father was posted overseas.

Looking back, I am pretty sure it bothered my mother much, much more than it did me that she couldn't get to various events, etc.

I have turned out just about ok.

Just my personal experience, however.

"How do parents working overseas take time off for school events or sick children?"

No idea - I work with people in THE UK

I am not endorsing boarding school, however, which I did not enjoy. Just reflecting - within the terms of the thread - how my mum felt about it.

Kew - you are absolutely right.
We live in a hugely advantaged part of the world where the majority of our children are lucky beyond the wildest dreams of most children. They should be brought up to know how advantaged they are, taught to look upon th epostives in their lives and the lives of those around them.

The idea that anything less than 'perfect' is actually bad, is ridiculous.

We should concentrate our efforts on those children who really do need us to watch out for them.

Anna, my dad's job took him overseas for long periods of time. Perhaps that made me a neglected child?

of course I have a slightly differnt perspective. DS spent the first year of his life in an institution. People accusing me (indirectly) of not giving him a perfect existance now seem a bit irrelevant.

Of course it isn't that DS doesn't deserve the perfect life, it just that I can't supply him with one. What I do supply him with has the stamp of approval of three social workers, one Kazkah judge, one UK judge and a ministry of Education (Ust-Kamenogorsk division) official.

More importantly this rather imperfect existance has helped a tiny 26 week premmie come institutionally delayed 1 year old turn into a well-mannered, well attached, lively, charming 4 year old who is age appropriate in every way. Or maybe thats his genes... who knows

Why shout, Kew?

People with "big" careers often have to travel for work, often repeatedly. A very good friend of mine travels thousands of miles away for about 1/3 of her time; she cannot possibly take time off from her trip to Shanghai or wherever for a school outing or a sick child. Her DP has a similar sort of job. There are lots of families with that sort of dual career situation.

Excellent points Penthesileia and a v honest post. My circumstances are actually quite similar to yours in that I have always chosen to work part time since having the children. I also have a career that involved a lot of training and many years at University. I would be loathe to give all this up. I would also have to retrain (if I stopped work for > 2yrs) and this would not be a realisitic option as things would have changed too much and I would also have to do the retraining unpaid. Perhaps my decision to work as opposed to be at home full time is therefore selfish in part. I do think, however, that I wouldn't be happy in the long term if I was at home full time and that this lack of fulfillment would certainly impact on the children. In addition, in the long term, the children certainly benefit, both financially and in plenty of other ways.
Of course, if asked, most children would rather have their mum or dad pick them up at the end of the day. That is only natural as (most) children adore their parents. I do find it strange to base your decision of whether or not to return to work on this. Children are not always the best judge of what is best for them as they do not have a full understanding of the overall situation as an adult will. I also find it strange to use this observation to jump to the conclusion that those children with mums to pick them up every day are happier or better off in the medium or long term. Maybe they will and maybe they won't but it is a decision for each individual family to take depending on their specific circumstances. SAHMs make a v valid and often difficult contribution as do many WOHMs.
Anna- I see that you move in different social circles to most people on this thread. Surely, you can't really imagine that most 'neglected' children are neglected because both their (extremely wealthy) parents are working overseas?!! Seriously?!
dolly- I think you are misinterpreting some of Violet's posts because of your own personal feeling on the subject.

I shouted because you weren't listening...

I said "in my office"... we are in the Uk, we are a UK based company only one person (who doesn't have children) travels at all.

This is the norm in society there are actually very few people (as a percentage of society) who live their life on a plane.

I used to (in a different company) and gave it up to have a family so I have no idea how I would have managed I chose not to. Howver I was the only person of my friends who travelled that much.

Do you unerstand that this isn't the norm - perhaps in yoru circles but not in most peoples?

And there are loads of people with very 'little careers' like caring for an elderly relative, that also can't make it to all the nativites etc.

It doesn't damage a child not to have their parents at their beck and call.

loobylu3 - I am interpreting violet's posts based on her own personal feelings on the subject (gathered from this and other similar threads).

Those that I know who have to be away for extended periods of time (both dh and I did this when we both worked) always made sure that we never travelled at the same time. Fortunately now I'm in a position where I can be selective about my travelling and just send others from my team instead to the meetings I don't want/don't have time to attend .

My own personal feelings on the subject are that each family should make their own decisions in the best interests of everyone in their family unit at any particular time, and within their own particular circumstances.

Is that clear enough?

In my own personal case, I worked part time when my children were small, and full time since they were in school, and it works fine for us.

I have actually posted specifically earlier on this thread that I don't think me working makes my children any happier/successful than they would be if I didn't work. And vice versa. I remember posting that as far as I am concerned, the main benefits to me working are not to do with how my children are turning out, but more to do with the fact that I enjoy using my qualifications and training, I enjoy my salary, and I enjoy the fact that whatever happens in the future I'll have a decent pension.

Other people choose not to work. If that's the decision they've made as a family, that's absolutely fine.

Also, many overseas meeting these days are purely a product of people who want to ponce around on panes. With teleconferences/webconferencing etc etc the need to get on a plane for a productive meeting is so much more limited these days.

oops I meant "meetings" not "meeting" and "planes" not "panes"... That'll teach me for posting on the internet when I should be working...

Oh, I see the dolly. I can't promise to have read all those threads However, what I have read on this particular one doesn't suggest that she feels her children are better off/ happier, etc because she is working.

Mmmm. I know in theory that should be right, but so often it's still imperative to meet people face to face.

Sorry that was to knackered old hag.

Anna, come, there are some families where both parents travel but they're unusual, to say the least. Of course, such a set up isn't ideal but I'd be very surprised if the parents weren't aware of that and didn't take steps for one of them (inevitably the mother) to find a new/different type of work to address this.

But two or three foreign trips a year isn't going to hurt your children. It's not good for them to have you obsessively focusing on them and their minutiae all the time. Fwiw my mother worked and I could never see what the problem was at all. I knew she loved me and my brother best in the world, she was always at the end of the phone for me (that bit is important)and the fact she wasn't constantly hovering made me, imo, independent and self reliant.