Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 17:56

oooh I hate that question "what do you dooooo all day?" with head cocked to one side? as though studying a small animal who has stumbled into a new habitat! very funny!

I agree about the double standards. It's a bit 'cool' open-minded, progressive .. for a couple to divide up the earning/childcare and the man to be a sahd, or a dab hand with a wok, but it's drugery for a woman to do it.

RE xenia loving her kids, yes I know she did, and she was a good mother. She was also surprisingly naive though. She was unable to put herself into anybody else's shoes. HER past was the template against which all lives must be run. She had high earning power and a bad 1st marriage. Somebody else with the opposite would be given the same advice... run your life like this! or, you're a big prozzie!

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 18:02

Anniemac (I think) said that she thinks it's sad that I think that only an educated woman can find a fulfilling job. I never said that, or thought that. It's all to do with earning power imo. WHEN you have to factor in offsetting your salary against childcare for 2 or more children,,,, you DO need to have a professional career with an impressing salary.

No doubt, I'll work again one day! And hopefully it won't be too awful, but i'm not paying somebody else to mind my children so that I can break even.

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 18:11

if you want a fix....

here she is

i think it will be plainly apparent which poster she is although she's been on there for an age, so didn't so much migrate as close her Mumsnet office.

@MorgueOSKY i also believe DD would be wildly excited were i to bring a horse home for her. strangely she also finds my handbag interesting, as does DS. I think it is because the leather is nice to chew. But yes, obviously i should do the whole sackcloth and ashes thing now am a mummy...i wonder if that will be in this Xmas?

cocklodger heehee. if it's any comfort AbatedDead its really obvious what you're doing all day. Same as me - Mumsnetting!

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 18:18

is there a forum there? on times on line? or did she post a comment on the alpha mummy article?

OurLadyOfPerpetualBloodSucker · 27/10/2009 18:29

So was Xenia Supermother?

I agree about it being seen as 'cool' and a bit of a status symbol for a high-flying woman to have a man at home.

I remember friends of ours used to discuss the possibility of her giving up her City job and staying at home. She actually said 'No, I couldn't do that - well, it's the stigma isn't it?'

But seemed totally oblivious to the fact that her DP was living under the same 'stigma' as I was - except he had the DCs at a private nursery for two days a week while he had guitar lessons and went to the gym.

My comment was rather weakly that it depends on whether your self-esteem comes from your job or not, but it was an eye-opener for me.

But I want to know what Sabire does for four hours a week - sounds perfect.

lovechoc · 27/10/2009 18:37

I had a good career but luckily wasn't high up the career ladder so no loss to me when I decided to SAH. It was a fulfilling job. I made the sacrifice to SAH rather than go out to work. I will have to work again, that I am sure of, but for now I have the choice not to.
I agree with others, there's plenty ways to fulfill your life without having to earn money! OU is one route to staying educated, or there are courses at college...it's not all doom and gloom for SAHPs.

ABatDead · 27/10/2009 18:37

EdgarAllenPoo - I'll have you know I created a vegetable garden today. I only ever do MNetting during my very well earned tea breaks!

AliGrylls · 27/10/2009 18:57

I agree with the person that said work is over-rated. I have always only worked because I have had too (I realise that now). I also felt like I had to be ambitious, however I realise that was more my parents than me. What I really want is to stay at home and bring up my children (one is currently unconceived).

Since I gave up work 6 months ago I have realised that actually all my ambition stemmed from the fact that it was what my parents and to some extent what I felt people expected of me.

I think society has become almost the opposite of what it was 40/50 years ago in that women are mostly expected to return to work and there are a lot of people that don't see being SAHM as a valid choice.

Quattrofangs · 27/10/2009 19:02

Oh I'm getting nostalgic here

"Who if they adore their work would even want to work just 9 - 5 anyway? You never see people writing about how much fun it is to be so into some work thing, some deal, that you get up at 5am to get into it. I think I worked to 1am 2 or 3 days this week and it's been a really fun week. Work can be exciting for men and women but instead article after article is all about how woman want to work 2 hours a day and spend the rest of the time going coo coo coo to a baby and ironing carefully a largely absent husband's shirts after she's cleaned the lavatories with the latest best bleach product which she's just discussed at length at the school gates."

By Supermother. Awww. And I agree with her too. Although funnily enough walnut picking didn't feature on the list of activities.

MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 19:04

I think for some or even many people work is overrated, for some of us it is very important, brings huge benefits beyond financial and we make an important contribution to society. But that is not the only place in which we find value. I say that as someone who was a very happy SAHM for five years but knew she could not have done it for much longer.

Morloth · 27/10/2009 19:06

I like working, I quite like the job I do, and I really like the money. But I am not missing it atm. As for me it is a job rather than a career, it will be easy enough for me to pick it up again when I am ready (as I have done before).

What we do works well for us and I appreciate that we are quite lucky in that.

Quattrofangs · 27/10/2009 19:08

"By stuffitllllama on Tue 27-Oct-09 16:43:52
"Because either you made the money yourself (fair play) or you're living off someone else. Be it the taxpayer or your husband or your parents".

Did you say this Quattro?

Do you really think I'm living off my husband?"

No I think one partner staying at home to look after childcare can be a reasonable division of labour, particularly in situations where one partner doesn't earn very much.

But if your children had all grown up and you spent your day nutting, then it does kind of look a teensy bit kept, no?

violethill · 27/10/2009 19:17

Plenty of time for nutting at weekends and during holiday times anyway!

sabire · 27/10/2009 19:26

OurLady - I couldn't say, I'd be outing myself! There aren't that many of us out there..... Suffice to say, I'm self employed and I work in the voluntary sector. I love, love, love my job and know how lucky I am......

MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 19:28

Of course the answer is that you all become teachers and get a job with immense satisfaction and 12 weeks a year to make chutney, bake cakes, go on outings or even nutting - whatever that is.

ssd · 27/10/2009 19:56

no op you are not letting any side down

your friend is jealous

anonandlikeit · 27/10/2009 19:58

i'm jealous, just wish dh would offer me the same option

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 20:01

ooh, veg garden. My DH bottled the homebrew and collected sloes to make sloe gin with.

I just stitched my work trousers too!

just like 'The Good Life' ...

(except wth plenty of laptop time)

@spokete - what a twunt! he should know that if you play your cards right with p.timers, you can get them flexing up/down to meet the needs of the business (whereas full timers are less willing to do this). Just the lack of imagination is a good reason not making his probationary period.....

ItsGrimUpNorth · 27/10/2009 20:02

What 'side' is the op letting down anyway?

I've never ever feel a solidarity among this mythical sisterhood, especially not when I was working in the City. Women don't feel like they owe each other anything by going back to work. They mostly do it to pay the bills.

Live your life the way you want to live it and don't let some jealous nitwit make you feel inadequate.

And don't ever ever make out that somebody doing their work with their children and in their home isn't working. Because it's bloody hard graft. And if they can afford the help to do it all, then good for them.

mrsruffallo · 27/10/2009 20:32

I'm coming to the end of my sahm years and I have truly loved it. I have loved spending my days with the children, with the other sahm's I have met, learning to premeditate the dc's needs and just be there for them.
It's enhanced my life and made me a better person, I have learned so much from the beautiful connection with my children that I wouldn't have missed this time in their lives for any job at all.

Feierabend · 27/10/2009 20:35

Mrsruffallo, that's a beautiful post.

carriedababi · 27/10/2009 20:43

good for you mrs r

great post

sabire · 27/10/2009 21:14

mrsruffello, my 4 year old has just started full time in reception. I'm missing the intensity of that special mummy time so much. I seem to spend half my time these days gurning madly at other people's toddlers and babies when I go shopping......

I miss idling over a milk shake in Cafe Nero with my little curly boy, and our afternoons in the park. Boo hoo!

KnackeredOldHag · 27/10/2009 21:59

I'm another who absolutely loves her job and although it is one that requires an education to do, I don't think that this is the criteria for a fulfilling job. I've spent enough time in shitty jobs which required a high level of education. I think what makes a job fulfilling or not is whether you feel valued in doing it. If no-one ever tells you you're doing great and they appreciate your efforts even the most theoretically fantastic job can be the pits. On the other hand if you feel like your job matters to people even the most simple jobs can feel like the best in the world.

This is also true for being a SAHP. It can be fulfilling if your family appreciates what you do, but it can be claustraphobic and depressing if no-one notices what you do or even worse, puts you down for it.

Muon · 28/10/2009 07:02

I am considering being a SAHM because I want me and DH to be the people our children are closest to, not some nursery worker! Money would be tight but I think it's very important to have that closeness with our boys (3 months and 2 years) so we have their respect when they're older. I see so many children whose parents have no control because they've effectively given them to someone else to raise. I'm expecting it to be hard work with fantastic rewards, just like my job used to be.
Your friend has no imagination if she thinks being a SAHM is boring, I feel sorry for her children if and when she has them. There's nothing to stop you working again later if you want to, but you'll never get these years with your children back.