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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 27/10/2009 15:34

I really dislike the argument between SAHMs and WOHPs. It's hard enough to be a parent and we don't need to bring each other down.

I work part time and it's a good balance for me. I also like cooking and decorating my house. I have a friend who thinks that's "so funny and old-fashioned" and "not the choice I'd make, but, you know..." and yet her husband is a great cook and she thinks that's wonderful. So it's only ok if men do it? Come on!

You find the balance that's right for you and your family and go with it.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 15:35

Isn't the prostitute thing like the Nazi comment: the first person to say "prostitute" in an SA/WOHM debate automatically loses the argument.

susie100 · 27/10/2009 15:56

Yes but this is all so sensible and grown up and 'well everyone does what is right for their family'.

Admit it, it was more fun when you had Xenia going on about how you were setting a bad example to your daughter if you did not work and young children are really dull anyway and you are in a sexist marriage etc etc.

I miss the bunfights

MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 16:00

I think if I bought my dd a horse she would perhaps more willingly bond with me

I do have a collection of designer handbags, but they were mostly bought before I had my dd, so that is OK. It is of course awful for a mother to want anything glitzy or nice.

tinkisthrillerthrillernight · 27/10/2009 16:03

i didnt really have achoice when it ame to staying @ home with the children. i used to travel alot to work so once i had my 1st dd1 i havestayed @ home. dd1 is just 4 years old and dd2 is just 9 mnths old

i have benefits go into my account and he gives me food shopping money. i dont have access to joint account as that ius for morgage and bills etc.

i always wanted to stay @ home after i had had kids anyway dont like the idea of having someone else look after them and missing out on crucial milestones and there company.

dd2 has just started school i spend m,y days taking dd2 to baby groups which is fun or playing with her and her toys @ home.

i dont think i could handle working and looking after them. i tried betteware one didnt get on with it to hard with the choildren.

when dd2 is also @ school i will get a part time job

carriedababi · 27/10/2009 16:12

xenia just had a chip on her shoulder cob on because when she divorced her dh got a hearty settlement because of the fact he had spend some time as a sahp.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2009 16:15

Well I missed the whole Xenia thing! Damn time difference. I miss all the good stuff. (flounces the the corner and pouts)

totalmisfit · 27/10/2009 16:30

i think it's equally old fashioned to pay someone else to look after your kids. i can't hear the word 'nanny' without conjuring up an image of stuffy victoriana and a dusty rocking horse in the playroom.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 16:40

lol morgue

Susie I like sensible and grown up. I want to be Joyce Grenfell.

SorciereAnna · 27/10/2009 16:40

LOL totalmisfit, I made the same point earlier down the thread!

sabire · 27/10/2009 16:41

If I could have afforded a first rate nanny or other really good quality childcare for my three children, plus have help to run my home/walk my dog/help my elderly parents etc, then I'd be happy to work f/t. But I'm not willing to stick my kids in a crappy after school club/neglect my parents/leave the dog alone in the house all day, and generally run myself ragged in order to be an extra £400 a month better off (which is what I'd have left from my wages after paying for said help).

As it is I work about 4 and a half hours a week - in the evening when DH is home, for which I earn about £350 a month.

As for most people not having enough money to indulge themselves by buying stuff they really don't need, just take a trip to John Lewis and Habitat in London on any Saturday in the year. They are positively swarming with well to do couples stocking up on ridiculous standard lamps and La Creuset frying pans at £100 a pop. Most professional couples wit kids that I know spend stupid amounts of money on lifestyle accessories (not pointing the finger - I've got a top of the range Falcon cooker myself, but then I did buy it instead of getting a decent car.... and in my kitchen it looks like a peacock on a dung hill). Seriously - most of us could live happily on much less money than we currently spend.

Quattrofangs · 27/10/2009 16:41

What has happened to Xenia then? Where is she? Why is she not imploring the sahms not to prostitute themselves?

D'you know, if she has left, I think I will miss her.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 16:43

"Because either you made the money yourself (fair play) or you're living off someone else. Be it the taxpayer or your husband or your parents".

Did you say this Quattro?

Do you really think I'm living off my husband?

lovechoc · 27/10/2009 16:52

oh jealousy! oh jealousy! sorry OP but your friend really is...

I'm a SAHM and would not change it. I also have one DS and want to enjoy every moment raising him at home. I may not be able to have another child so that's my justification for that one!

I have nothing against women who go out to work either, it's not a competition for either side. It's personal choice.

YANBU

violethill · 27/10/2009 16:57

xenia was good value - where's she gone?

BPiggy · 27/10/2009 16:59

Just remind her how much better off your children are than hers. Your children have the benefit of your time and knowledge that you will be there for them when they need you. When they take their first step, you'll hear their first words. You'll be the one they run to when their hurt. What will she have. A crappy job and a crappy boss.

susie100 · 27/10/2009 17:05

BPiggy - boo hiss that is all I have to say about your post, you cannot possibly make that judgement. Plus I get the impression she had a pretty amazing CAREER and no BOSS (she was boss).

I am trying to make this childish again

jellybeans · 27/10/2009 17:18

I often think (most) jobs are overated. If you need the money or enjoy work (or dislike SAH) then fair enough but it is not the only way to being fullfilled or getting adult conversation. If you can afford to have your time to yourself then why not.

I am a totally different person to when I worked f/t. Less materialistic. It always seemed I was working for a 'better car' 'bigger house' 'foreign holiday' etc, usually of course it just went on the bills which just increased as we earned more.

When i got the chance to SAH (DH was working away for months) it took me a while to settle but I feel much more laid back and our of the 'rat race' and also enjoy a more simple lifestyle which is cheaper.

I don't just sit home though as many people think (usually working mums in the family who comment) but volunteer at school and am studying with OU. I know I may need to work again and need to keep my brain/social skills going.

What I appreciate most, though, is that I had the choice to work f/t, p/t and to SAH (as would DH had he wanted to SAH, he didn't) according to our family needs. I wish everyone had this choice.

violethill · 27/10/2009 17:28

I agree that there are many routes to personal fulfulment, but given that paid employment is a fact of life for most adults, it makes sense to get yourself into a position where you can secure the most interesting, stimulating employment possible.

Unless someone is born seriously wealthy, they are going to have to earn a living at some point. I find it rather sad when people talk of work being 'overated' or refer to 'wage slaves' etc. If you've been in a job that's dead boring and crappy, then I can completely understand why you might be desperate to leave it - but that's not a positive choice to stay at home, it's ceasing to do something you didn't much like in the first place.

Anyone who has given up work who disliked their job, or found it tedious, unfulfilling or badly paid, is obviously going to find not working the preferable option!

spokette · 27/10/2009 17:29

Astrid, coming to this late but your friend is no friend. If she was a friend, she would respect and support your decision which affects your life, not hers.

Equality is about having opportunities to make choices without being discriminated because of your sex, race, age etc.

Today, a male colleague said to me that two women who are working on my team should be transferred out because they work part-time (young children) and that I should get someone who can work full time because they contribute more. What this idiot does not know is that I worked part-time for 5 years until my DTS were in year 1. This neanderthal will not be in my team much longer because he has not completed his probation year.

ABatDead · 27/10/2009 17:32

Xenia was one of the people that attracted me to MN when I began lurking (there were many others) she seemed realistic and had another dimension to her life outside her DCs. I agreed with lot of what she said.

As for the prostitue comment, well I never saw her make it but there is plenty of similar usage of the word 'cocklodger' about men and which I find equally offensive. Never heard it before I came here.

Men get judged for being at home too and especially by women. The number of times I have been asked what do you do all day in a rather pointed way when saying I don't go out to work. I took to saying I was retired at one point but at 45 that was a bit hard to carry off.

violethill · 27/10/2009 17:36

I entirely agree with your point about cocklodgers ABatDead.

There are some major double standards around on MN.

sabire · 27/10/2009 17:39

cocklodger?

I bloody love mumsnet.

jellybeans · 27/10/2009 17:41

violethill I totally agree that some jobs can be fullfilling, mine was. I found working for people much more satisfying than working to soley make money and line someone elses pocket (which i did prior to that) while everyone else did all the hard work!!

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 17:41

I think it's part of the definition of a "cocklodger" that they don't do anything in support of the earner: work around the house, look after children and so on.

Perhaps what you didn't understand about the word "cocklodger" is that it means someone who fails to contribute.

So irrelevant. Though stupid word.