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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
anniemac · 27/10/2009 13:58

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TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 14:00

In real life surely there are more shades of grey. I worked when DS was little, then I was a SAHM for 5 years, now I work again. Most of the people I know are somewhere on the SAHP/WOHP dimension. Very few of them are right at the extremes.

anniemac · 27/10/2009 14:00

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SorciereAnna · 27/10/2009 14:01

I agree with knackeredoldhag. Which is why I don't get why SAHPs are so often ridiculed by WOHPs as "parasites" and worse. Most SAHPs I know are very busy indeed, and mostly for the benefit of others, rather than themselves.

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 14:04

yes knackered, this seems so obvious to me. I can't quite believe how many people find this hard to understand or accept.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 14:04

I don't think I've seen anyone other than Xenia argue in those terms Anna. And she's gone.

Most other people would accept mutualism instead of parasitism I think.

(My favourite Xenia-ism was glorified prostitute BTW)

SorciereAnna · 27/10/2009 14:09

I don't like naming names, but other posters are quite fond of the parasite (and worse) line...

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 14:11

Really? Ah. Naughty.

bruces · 27/10/2009 14:16

Your friend is soooooo rude,if we could afford it I'd give up work at the drop of a hat,you don't have to worry about phoning work if one of your children are ill,you don't have to tell a little one you can't make it too their assembly/play or coffee morming event,you don't get people saying "oh your leaving early"as you rush out of work to get to the childminder/after school club or nursery on time.
People seem to be so quick to under value the role stay at home parents play.When i was a SAHM my husband did the same with money as yours and i never felt like i was being kepted we ARE a partnership! you are definitely NOT letting the side down.

MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 14:20

By anniemac Tue 27-Oct-09 13:50:50
I only have a problem with SAHPing on the rare occasions when it is a choice that is bankrupting the family (have seen posts where families are getting into serious and scary debt just paying basic bills for example - in those cases IMO the bad outweighs the good and its time to take action!)

We ran up debt so I could be a stay at home parent almost until dd started school, but as TFM most of us are rarely one or the other for life. I knew that in a few years I would get a job and pay off that debt, I saw it as an investment in my dd and my family. That debt is now almost totally paid off as we knew it would be.

susie100 · 27/10/2009 14:25

YANBU how rude of your friend.

BUT have to admit I really miss Xenia on these threads. I sort of ended up agreeing with her a lot of the time (after initial horror at her posts)

AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2009 14:26

Just want to add though, that maggie - I find it sad that you think finding a fulfilling and enjoyable job requires a 'good' education and is therefore out of the reach of many people. I have a good friend who works in a pet shop and that's her dream job. And I would be just as happy as, say, a vet nurse, which doesn't require a great education. There is so much help from the gvt now in terms of training that I really can't see why pretty much everyone can't find a job that genuinely inspires and interests them. It might take some time, with inbetweener jobs to get you where to need to go, but if you have a career goal in sight, I reckon anyone can get there with effort and planning.

Perhaps I'm naive.....

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 14:27

Wow... at the prostitute comment!

Raising children was just so worthless to xenia.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2009 14:27

Just want to add though, that maggie - I find it sad that you think finding a fulfilling and enjoyable job requires a 'good' education and is therefore out of the reach of many people. I have a good friend who works in a pet shop and that's her dream job. And I would be just as happy as, say, a vet nurse, which doesn't require a great education. There is so much help from the gvt now in terms of training that I really can't see why pretty much everyone can't find a job that genuinely inspires and interests them. It might take some time, with inbetweener jobs to get you where to need to go, but if you have a career goal in sight, I reckon anyone can get there with effort and planning.

Perhaps I'm naive.....

AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2009 14:27

Just want to add though, that maggie - I find it sad that you think finding a fulfilling and enjoyable job requires a 'good' education and is therefore out of the reach of many people. I have a good friend who works in a pet shop and that's her dream job. And I would be just as happy as, say, a vet nurse, which doesn't require a great education. There is so much help from the gvt now in terms of training that I really can't see why pretty much everyone can't find a job that genuinely inspires and interests them. It might take some time, with inbetweener jobs to get you where to need to go, but if you have a career goal in sight, I reckon anyone can get there with effort and planning.

Perhaps I'm naive.....

anniemac · 27/10/2009 14:28

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AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2009 14:28

oops! Sorry about multiple posts!!

Kewcumber · 27/10/2009 14:29

no you're not letting any side down.

Whtehr you are letting yourswelf or your children or your DH down by not going out to work is a question only you can answer.

anniemac · 27/10/2009 14:32

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MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 14:37

Yes that is fair enough, it was very very hard and we are now in rented accomodation as life did not pan out as we planned - as often happens . My being at home means that we did not have the savings and financial cushion that enabled us to sail through the hard times. Dp also had to freeze his pension, there are moments when I wonder if we did the right thing. But that time at home was quite magical and i do feel very sad at times that we may not be able to ever do that again as you do live up to your income and it is hard to reduce your outgoings.

I have friends who have children aged from 6 to 12 and they have never ever had a holiday, not even camping up the road in thr Lakes. They are under constant stress about money and the husband has an awful attitude to her, in part because she is at home full time. I do sometimes wonder why she does not go out to work. But we all make our own choices.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 14:40

I don't think Xenia saw raising children as worthless. I got the feeling she was actually pretty involved with her own.

She did have issues regarding inequality in relationships though - which I think is where the prostitute thing came from. It made me laugh anyway - these debates can so easily becaome same old same old - it's nice to see an original comment now and again

MORgueOSKY · 27/10/2009 14:45

I agree TFM, for all her views Xenia was clearly devoted to her children and very involved.

I do think if you have been very hurt or let down by a man it is hard not to become obsessed with inequality in relationships. I know I shared some of Xenia's views just in a toned down manner.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 14:53

Kewcumber, I agree, in the same way as whether two WOHPs are letting themselves or their children down by both going out to work is a question only they can answer.

Actually it is quite heartening now, the number of "each to their own" remarks.

In a more respectful atmosphere, it's easier to examine what you really want. Sometimes I worry about getting back into the workplace after being out for so long. I worry that I may not have a choice at all, in the end. Not that I would have done things any differently.

anniemac · 27/10/2009 14:54

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EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 15:19

i don't personally see lusting after handbags as a bad thing - my clients that supply expensive bags to the buying populus need such people to exist, and indeed I need my clients in order to have a job, and am very far from averse to a pretty handbag. Having beautiful objects about the place is pleasant. always having to say no to ones magpie instinct gets boring, though is far from a position of misery.

If someone wants to work because (shock!) they enjoy it more than being at home, or indeed, purely so they can buy themselves eye, hand or foot candy - well fair play to them. In a way, i'd prefer an obviously loaded person to say 'yes, if it wasn't for my diamond & champagne habit, i'd totally be able to quit!' than claim otherwise.

Xenia still uses the prostitute comment btw, just elsewhere and under a different name. And yes, i believe she has Ishoos - though don't we all. When she said the way to really bond with your teenage daughter was to buy them a horse, that was dead funny.

why is women are particularly targetted if not career minded? Plenty of men drift out of university only doing jobs to tide them over....until a woman gives them purpose.