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AIBU?

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Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
anniemac · 27/10/2009 12:14

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anniemac · 27/10/2009 12:17

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jellybeans · 27/10/2009 12:17

I also don't think depending on two incomes is being financially independant. If one looses their job they are just as screwed as the one earner family.

jellybeans · 27/10/2009 12:22

'Because either you made the money yourself (fair play) or you're living off someone else. Be it the taxpayer or your husband or your parents. '

I see my husband being enabled to work by me doing the childcare. IE saving money on childcare hence being a valuable contribution. So he is also living off me.

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 12:29

although Orm has a v. good point, i did go back to work thinking we couldn't afford m not to...

then DH lost his job, and it turned out that we still managed on my salary & bens. Though now of course, i really can't stop, if dh does go back i won't kid myself second time round that we need both salaries, only, maybe that the security of it is nice to have...

waffle

point being, that though there definitely are people in situations where they can't stop work, peope are not always correct in their assessment of their own situation. I wasn't.

OrmIrian · 27/10/2009 12:36

Yes but some of us are able to assess our situations properly.

Oddly now that I am back fulltime and loving it, DH is earning twice as much and we probably could just about manage without my income. Sods law.

sobloodystupid · 27/10/2009 12:40

Aargh! Not the working women loving designer handbags thing! I work full time with 2 dcs and no 3 on the way. I returned to work after 6 (paid) months maternity leave, I love working and have studied long and hard to get where I am. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride in who I am, our family and yes, my career. My dh works part time - not through choice but the effects of the recession.
Our children are loved and cared for by us, our families and our CM. And, as someone pointed out, we still find time to clean,shop,cook, socialise, pay bills and have fun.
I have never owned a designer handbag and have no desire to. I enjoy contributing to our home in a financial as well as every other way. I don't know many SAHM's apart from our CM who is fabulous, she doesn't judge me for working, and if she didn't SAHM where would we be?

anniemac · 27/10/2009 12:45

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stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 12:47

Edgar, just so so sorry about that.

violethill · 27/10/2009 12:49

Very wise post sobloodystupid.

There are hundreds of good reasons to go to work, but I have yet to meet anyone in RL who puts buying designer handbags on their list. Maybe some posters are spending too much time reading trashy sleb mags and getting weird ideas from them

And of course, as you say, parents also find time to play, shop, cook, socialise etc as well as go to work.

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 13:03

feels bad that didn't buy expensive handbag when had the chance

KnackeredOldHag · 27/10/2009 13:07

Going back to work or not isn't only about the money though. In my job I am required to keep up-to-date on the latest research and the field can change significantly within a very short space of time. I therefore see working as an investment in the future and not just as a way to get some cash now. I don't understand why those who go out to work feel that they need to justify themselves just as those who stay at home shouldn't have to justify themselves either. It should just be what works for you and your family and your situation.

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 13:13

@stuffitt no worries.

sabire · 27/10/2009 13:20

"I have yet to meet anyone in RL who puts buying designer handbags on their list"

I should introduce you to my SIL

But actually I'm being a bit unfair.

It's not just about designer handbags for her. It's also about nice shoes, clothes, expensive hair cuts, eating out every week, and paying a big mortgage because she wants to live in a posh part of West London.

But each to their own.

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 13:24

I certainly don't think that working is all about handbags!!

Most of the working mothers I know have so many balls in the air that they haven't time to shop for milk, never mind handbags. breakdwon!

But, that's their decision and factoring in their needs and their personality, that is the right decision.

I respect working mothers. I never believe a word of those 'studies' which try to suggest that creches are bad for children or whatever. but obviously, ideally, the respect would be reciprocated.

Very often it isn't. And that baffles me, I supposedly occupying the 'vaccuous' role here but I can easily see a number of different scenarios from different perspectives and understand that there's no absolute right or wrong way of doing things.

TOO OFTEN on these threads though, some, not all Working Mums, make such sweeping assumptions about sahms.... Like that they haven't the confidence to go out and work..

The other issue which is largely forgotten in this debate is earning power.

I think those who have high earning power and excellent childcare in place with money left over are the very ones who somehow forget that they are the fortunate ones! the top of the food chain to be blunt!!

It doesn't surprise me that teachers and barristers find their jobs fulfilling... but for an intelligent, educated, professional woman to stand in judgment of any other random and probably completely different mothers for not working shows an astonishingl lack of thought. There are so many factors to consider.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 13:27

Instead of the ing, you'd do better sabire to acknowledge that your argument is based on your limited aquaintance and listen to the women who are telling you that they are not in it for the finer things in life, but for the necessities.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2009 13:29

Oh dear - the rational debate seems to have decended into the usual mudslinging of SAHMs vs WOHMs. Sigh.......

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 13:29

Even if somebody spends their money on crap, it's their money.

The vast majority of people out there working aren't going to have enough left over after childcare to spend on expensive shoes and clothes and bags.

I don't care what people spend their money on, but what frustrates me is the implication that "you too could run out and earn 50k a year".

TheFallenMadonna · 27/10/2009 13:38

I agree Maggie. I think it's interesting the way the scenarios being presented by proponents of both sides of the WOH/SAH debate involve a particular type of job - well paid, interesting. And I suppose where there are two partners each with this type of job, then there really is a choice to be made. But for many others, the factors influencing 'choice' are quite different.

MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 13:42

Yes FM, and on either side of the fence, it must be so galling to have what was a back-up-against-the-wall decision criticised as though it were a whimsical choice!

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 13:43

Annie it is a shame but while sweeping judgments and generalisations are made like vacuous and so on, I don't suppose it will change.

I don't understand : I mean, it's ok when you're younger to have that kind of view, as in, "I'm not just going to sit around having children etc etc" but when you are more mature, with a greater perspective, you'd think that would bring about a more mutual respect.

LoveBeingAMummy · 27/10/2009 13:46

Sorry haven't read all of this, so sorry if mentioned.

I can't help but laugh as your friend made a comment that was meant to insult you and then had to explain it, silly cow.

anniemac · 27/10/2009 13:50

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MaggieBruja · 27/10/2009 13:54

I blame the internet and the media for stirring up these debates.

In real life I have friends who work, and I could be wrong, but I don't think they ever wonder why I don't work. Because they know me, my life, my earning potential, know I'm happy,,,

They never say, hey, geddajob! And I would never say to them "why do you work?".

It's too easy for some people to take the individual out of their opinion.

KnackeredOldHag · 27/10/2009 13:57

Society needs a good mixture of both SAHP's and WOHP's in order to operate properly. We can't expect that e.g. all teachers will be childless and yet these are people who provide an essential "service" to those of us with children. The same can equally be said for the cleaners that keep the schools clean, the doctors/nurses that treat our children, the hairdressers that cut their hair etc.

OTOH not everyone can (or should be expected to) run out to work and those people are often supporting partners in a very practical/emotion way where the partners couldn't be nearly so successful without the help of their SAH wifes/husbands.