Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
sabire · 26/10/2009 23:15

"Because either you made the money yourself (fair play) or you're living off someone else. Be it the taxpayer or your husband or your parents".

I'm providing my husband and children with a service they'd have to pay someone much more than the cost of keeping me in second hand books and rich tea biscuits.....

Children need to be made and raised for society to continue to function, and that's what I'm doing here at home.

Quattrofangs · 26/10/2009 23:17

Saltire - I should explain that my earlier comment was made in response to a lady whose children had grown up and left home.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/10/2009 23:18

I work now (in paid employment - just to make it clear ) and am just as dependent as I was when I wasn't working (in paid employment). We do have more money of course, but I'm working for the money. I'm working for DH's and my peace of mind in uncertain times. Another example of how we depend on each other. Next year, with any luck, we'll have new choices to make.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/10/2009 23:19

I'm not just working for the money. That got a bit garbled.

sabire · 26/10/2009 23:26

Quattro - my mum only worked p/t throughout her life, but she did so much voluntary work, and cared (still does) for elderly people within her community, despite the fact that she herself is pretty old.

I think it's very sad that so few people have time to volunteer now, and a lot of it is down to households having two full-time working parents. My dc's school has no PTA, not in the Juniors or the Infants, mainly because almost all the articulate parents with good organisational skills are out at work and don't have the energy to help out. The school is worse off for not having parents involved in this way. I wish I lived in a nice m/c area where there were lots of f/t educated SAHM and SAHD's, as these people are the lifeblood of volunteering in this country (or at least SAHM mums were in the past).

TheFallenMadonna · 26/10/2009 23:29

All of my DC's PTA committee bar one WOH, including DH.

Janos · 26/10/2009 23:43

"But I seem to have touched a nerve."

Maybe sabire that's because for the vast majority of working mums, expensive handbags and designer handbags are less important than such trivialities as, say, feeding your child and keeping a roof over their head?

If someone has a partner who is happy to support them in their choice to stay at home and look after their DC then they are lucky indeed. These days, it's a very privileged position to be in.

I'm not saying a person should spend every day in state of submissive polly-anna like gratitude but perhaps they might just like to acknowledge their good fortune and be gracious enough not to spend their free time sniping at working mothers?

Janos · 26/10/2009 23:47

Anyway, sorry if that sounded a bit ranty. I'm afraid my nerves were not only touched but well and truly strummed!

ouryve · 27/10/2009 00:09

YANBU.

If your friend is trying to be all "feminist" then she is failing badly by suggesting that you shouldn't have the choice to be an SAHM.

tinkerbellesmuse · 27/10/2009 03:42

By mmred, above

"I love the lists of things SAHM's do - like working mums don't know that 'cos their children live in the garden and forage in bins.

Working parents do those things as well, you know. And we bake with our kids, and do art projects, and get up in the night...there isn't a working parent fairy that flies in and does it all. "

I think I provided some of that list in response to the implication that as a SAHM I sit on my arse all day and "contribute nothing" along with the "What do you doooooooooo all day" type comments.

Of course working parents do all those things with their children (although if you really need to ask what I do maybe you don't?), therefore they should be aware that is exactly what the SAHM's do too. Not so different really.

I personally love the "meaningful conversations" route these debates take. As if since I gave up a career I only ever talk to Jordan-esque woman about fake tan, the price of groceries and articles in pick up magazine etc.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 04:04

"I can't help but wonder who is paying for you to idle your time away picking walnuts and baking 17th century tarts. Because either you made the money yourself (fair play) or you're living off someone else. Be it the taxpayer or your husband or your parents."

that seems like a very old fashioned view to me

have never joined one of these debates before ..I'm amazed people judge other people so much on their choices -- which seem to me to be completely harmless, victimless personal choices

Abetadad and Violet and Edgar you are really falling into this camp.

I'm with Tsarchasm from ages ago: why do you feel the need to judge?

something missing maybe, or do you feel judged yourselves? I don't want to think it's just that you feel superior

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 27/10/2009 07:12

I agree completely stuffit, infact it never ceases to amaze me on a number of issues that personal choices can inflame such contention.

My choices are in no way a judgement of other people's, and whilst I may express curiosity from time to time about their choices it is still with every respect that we are indeed all entitled to make them as best to suit ourselves and those close to us.

sabire · 27/10/2009 07:48

"If someone has a partner who is happy to support them in their choice to stay at home and look after their DC then they are lucky indeed. These days, it's a very privileged position to be in".

Actually the majority of women in this country with young children only work part-time. Like me.

And many of the rest cannot afford to work, because most women earn less than the average national wage and paying childcare out of their salaries would often make work a less affordable option than staying at home.

For all the cant about needing to keep roofs over head etc, I suspect many households where there are two professionals working full time have a very good household income, with a fairly high disposable income, which enables them to have holidays abroad, a decent car and to buy lots of consumer durables. Not saying that people are wrong to want these things, but really - we should tell it like it is.

thumbscrewwitch · 27/10/2009 07:52

agree with stuffit and TMW - each to their own and their own circumstances.

Janos · 27/10/2009 08:42

"For all the cant about needing to keep roofs over head etc"

and

"I suspect many households where there are two professionals working full time have a very good household income"

It isn't cant sabire. Lots of people (there will be some on here I imagine) simply cannot pay all their bills without both parents working. What you say is not "fact" but supposition.

They may appear to have a luxurious lifestyle (although I think these people are in a minority tbh) but could well have vast amounts of debt to service, for example.

stuffitllllama · 27/10/2009 08:43

Actually Violet, as you look forward to the time when you can spend lots of money enjoying yourself, it's surprising you seem to regard as "vacuous" women who are doing that already, a long time before you will be doing it.

Janos · 27/10/2009 08:53

"Actually the majority of women in this country with young children only work part-time. Like me."

Actually me too.

My circumstances are slightly different though, I have a young child and work part time. The difference is, I'm a single parent and if I don't go out to work the bills don't get paid!

I'd very much like to cut my hours down but can't afford it and there are most definitely no luxuries. My last handbag cost £5

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 09:06

reread my post stuffitt you'll find that i was quoting that, and disagreeing with it...

EdgarAllenPoo · 27/10/2009 09:12

i am quoting this post if it helps - By Quattrofangs Mon 26-Oct-09 22:50:26

pinkfizzle · 27/10/2009 09:21

At my work - the only mums at my work, who can afford to go part time are well paid lawyers who can afford to live on half their income and still pay for a nanny.

The others need to work full time hours - they often need to return to work after 6 months maternity leave, and work full time - as they could not afford to half their pay, due to their mortgages and supporting their families.

Original poster
Astrid28 · 27/10/2009 09:22

Woweeee! I've only managed to read halfway through the posts since yesterday!

I had the discussion with DH last night, how our situation is all well and good, but where would I be if he left/popped his clogs etc etc and as we were talking I realised that just because I am having a few years out to enjoy my child (at no ones expense but ours) it doesn't mean I'm on the scrapheap!

I will always be employable - I'm a reasonably intelligent, confident woman with enough skills to re-gain employment. I can clean houses at the very least - which, if my husband leaves me or drops dead tomorrow, somehow leaving me with nothing, I would happily do.

My working life was never my WHOLE life, my child is not my WHOLE life. They are both parts which I have enjoyed, just as there will be other phases for me to enjoy (I hope!) I think I can be a bit of everything can't I? Why does it have to be all at once?

So for now, I'll skip off to Tescos hand in hand with DD, and continue to smile at my description of 'Old Fashioned Housewife' !!

OP posts:
violethill · 27/10/2009 09:23

I think you misunderstood me stuffit.

I didn't say I am particularly 'looking forward' to retiring and having all day to spend my pension and do whatever I please. I very much live in the here and now, I enjoy my job, and the other aspects of my life.

I was just pointing out that when I do retire, I know I will want to have the money to travel, eat well and enjoy fine things. That's all. I do those things now, and I don't want it to stop when I stop working!

I also think that life is a journey of many different phases. I think a lot of the pleasure of retirement comes from setting out on a new exciting phase. Wouldn't be the same if I'd already spent 30 years living like that!

Feierabend · 27/10/2009 09:37

Who can afford to work when childcare is so expensive? With two children or more, how do you do it? I will HAVE to be a SAHM at some point. I really hope I'll like it.

OrmIrian · 27/10/2009 11:48

" I suspect many households where there are two professionals working full time have a very good household income, with a fairly high disposable income, which enables them to have holidays abroad, a decent car and to buy lots of consumer durables."

Sabire why do you 'suspect' that when so many people tell you otherwise. What evidence is there that they are lying? Why would they lie? If you had asked me 2 years ago I'd have told you I had to work to keep a roof over our heads and I wouldn't have been lying. DH earned about 13k a year after tax. Try housing, feeding and clothing 5 people on that. Given the choice I wouldn't have worked TBH.

I don't understand why this old chestnut remains so popular. It's so disrespectful to blatantly disbeleive what people say about such an important area of their lives.

jellybeans · 27/10/2009 11:55

Have only read OP. YANBU. I am the same. Used to work f/t and leave DD in f/t nursery. With DD2 onwards, I SAH. Mainly as it suited us best and partly as I hated leaving them in nurseries.

I don't get offended at all at being labelled housewife, I don't care if people put me down either as I know I am happy and it is best for us.

I don't think I am letting anyone down and so what if I am, my family comes first!!