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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that talking about yourself ALL THE TIME is blardy rude and blardy dull? (Warning: ranty)

172 replies

MonstrousMerryHenry · 25/10/2009 22:25

I have now accepted that these days most people talk passionately about themselves and show next to no interest in other people. I can honestly say that when I meet new people, about 70% of them are perfectly happy to rabbit on about themselves until the cows come home and then when they stop they suddenly encounter brain paralysis which renders them unable to think of a single thing to ask me about myself. Happened just today to me and DH (with the same people at a small gathering).

On one occasion, about 5 mins into a convo, DH ended up saying to a bloke: 'Well, would you like to know what my name is?'. It's bizarre. We once invited neighbours over for lunch; DH and I asked them lots of questions about themselves, left lots of gaps for them to ask about ourselves, and found that they filled those gaps by going: . That was all they could manage. I kid you not. I am not exaggerating. They sat with us for 2 of the most painful hours of my life, talking about themselves and then sighing.

Were they socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves? No. These were people with degrees from Cambridge and lots of friends (I wonder why). Very chatty when the convo was focused on them. Couldn't even come up with 'so, how did you guys meet?' or 'what do you do for a living?'

When I was younger I used to fill the gaps by offering information about myself, but then decided 'let's see what happens if I wait for them to ask first.' And what happens? 9 times out of 10, they don't!

AIBU to think that it's a sign of good communication to show an interest in other people?

OP posts:

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 27/10/2009 17:55

I do think most people tend to talk at each other, waiting for an opportunity to talk about themselves and not really listening to what other people are saying. Just turn taking in "social" naval gazing. Haven't got time to read all the posts ? will do later ? but how glad am I that someone bought this up!

Niecie · 27/10/2009 19:25

I hope I am not guilty of it but I do have a 'friend' who does a variation of this by constantly asking questions but not actually waiting for or listening to the answers. She starts asking the next question before you have even finished speaking. I don't bother any more.

It does strike me that there is a correlation between people who talk incessantly about themselves and Round Robin letters at Christmas time. The woman I know who talks incessantly loves to send out Round Robins which are just talking about yourself and not engaging with others on paper. Because it goes to everybody they know they don't have to tailor it to an individual or ask any questions - marvellous material for the ego maniac.

Still at least the letters give me a laugh.

Jajas · 27/10/2009 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loonpants · 27/10/2009 20:37

I have a friend who likes cats.

On her birthday I always send a card with a cat on.

On my birthday, she also sends a card with a cat on.

I fucking hate cats.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2009 20:49

Maybe people feel safer talking about something they can't get wrong - ie, themselves.

It is so so easy to cause hurt or offence even by asking questions, as evidenced on here daily.

If your friends are the type to fall accusingly silent or say 'what do you mean by that' etc whenever you say or ask anything, then talking about yourself will become second nature.

Conundrumish · 27/10/2009 21:00

loonpants

nobid · 27/10/2009 21:51

So. People who talk incessantly about themselves and ignore me when I speak ...

Sounds like MN.

Original poster

MonstrousMerryHenry · 27/10/2009 22:09

loonpants - you've summed it up quite beautifully!

nobid - ohhh, forget it.

OP posts:

blueywhite · 27/10/2009 22:27

I guess we would all have perfect social exchanges if we were all genuinely caring people who were sincerely interested in getting to know others and..

if we were all very secure people who had the ability to love and be generous with our attention without needing to shore up our own insecurites.

Secure, well emotionally-nurtured people tend to have good social skills and the depth of character to bring out the best in others.

Tis a rare person...

still learning

thumbscrewwitch · 27/10/2009 23:03

I disagree with niecie re. the round robin letters, as my Dad is a great conversationalist and always takes interest in other people; but he also sends out one of these letters to his numerous international friends. Some of my friends send them too but I never see them as anything other than a useful time-saving mechanism that updates you on how their lives have gone over the year. I don't seem to know anyone who gloats over how fabulously little Jocasta and Tarquin have done, which seems to be a common complaint about these things; my friends who send them have just highlighted the big events of the year. As many of them are also abroad, it's a good way to keep up.
But that's just my opinion, and I realise it's not shared by lots of people who think that everyone should write a personal message just to them (and in every other of the 100 or so cards they send).

blueywhite - I think you're over-complicating the issue. To have manners doesn't require all of those things, all it requires is the ability to either be or appear to be interested in the other person. That's it.

Original poster

MonstrousMerryHenry · 28/10/2009 00:35

Curiosity: "Surely when you meet new people what matters is whether you get on or not?" - Exactly. And when one person is blathering on about themselves and can't be arsed to show any interest in the other party, how can they possibly find a way to get on? It becomes a one-sided 'exchange'; a monologue, rather than a burgeoning relationship.

OP posts:

nevergoogledragonbutter · 28/10/2009 00:37

i'm here

Original poster

MonstrousMerryHenry · 28/10/2009 00:40

Agree with everything thumbscrewwitch said. [groupie emoticon]

Avril - the intention might be to empathise (though tbh I am rather sceptical of this), but if they stopped and thought about it they'd quickly realise that by redircting the convo to themselves, empathy is the last thing they're communicating!

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 28/10/2009 00:44

Well, invite meeee!

I love talking about other people and secretly psychoanalysing them

I always wanted to meet you at the wii fit thing that I couldn't go to in the end!!!

thumbscrewwitch · 28/10/2009 01:13

Hi Hobb! How're things with you? How's the baby?

hobbgoblin · 28/10/2009 01:29

Hi thumb!

Just about to go to sleep, as baby O appears to have decided that's it for the night while I've been at here since 10pm expecting her to wake up for milk guzzling!

She is great, thank you and I am fabulous - best I've ever felt since having her. Just love her so much. Love the other DC too of course but baby4 is the mini miracle baby and I am overjoyed and grateful on a daily basis as a result.

How are you, don't think I've seen you about here as much lately..?

thumbscrewwitch · 28/10/2009 02:28

you'll get this in the morning then - I had 2 weeks downtime because we had to move suddenly from MIL's house owing to an Incident with DH's bro. So we moved in here with no telephone, oven, internet or washing machine - finally got the internet late last week, thank goodness.
All good now though - glad you're having such a lovely time with baby O!

shelsco · 28/10/2009 08:16

a couple i know are like that. even when there is a lull in the 'conversation' and i fill it by giving some info about what i have been doing etc i get no answer! not even an acknowledgement! how rude is that? at one point i did actually say 'ooh no answer. I take it that i'm boring you?' to which i got the response 'oh sorry. we were just thinking...' of another monologue for them to start no doubt!

blueywhite · 28/10/2009 08:54

I'd personally rather someone didn't pretend to be interested in me for the sake of manners, thereby encouraging me to talk about myself when they really are really interested.

Annoying though it is, I'd rather put up with their monologue (several close relatives do this by the way!), than have them faking it.

If we were all genuinely caring about others, social intercourse would run a lot more smoothly and people would feel loved and valued.

But, hey, who's perfect?

AvrilH · 28/10/2009 12:25

You can sense insincere interest for the sake of manners. You can also usually pick up when a monologue is due to nerves or an effort to distract.

Sometimes personal questions are upsetting - e.g. when you are unemployed and the first question everyone asks is about the job hunt. You are instantly on the back foot.

MorrisZapp · 28/10/2009 17:46

Sometimes any question is upsetting - especially to women of child bearing age!

Ask any woman anything to do with her chosen job/ lifestyle/ family plans and she'll be on here five minutes later bemoaning your rudeness and insensitivity

AvrilH · 28/10/2009 18:29

yep

"so, any rosemance?"
"so, any sign of wedding bells?"
"ooooh, you're not drinking, do we hear the pitter patter..."
"was it planned?"
etc

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