to think that talking about yourself ALL THE TIME is blardy rude and blardy dull? (Warning: ranty)

[MonstrousMerryHenry]

I have now accepted that these days most people talk passionately about themselves and show next to no interest in other people. I can honestly say that when I meet new people, about 70% of them are perfectly happy to rabbit on about themselves until the cows come home and then when they stop they suddenly encounter brain paralysis which renders them unable to think of a single thing to ask me about myself. Happened just today to me and DH (with the same people at a small gathering).

On one occasion, about 5 mins into a convo, DH ended up saying to a bloke: 'Well, would you like to know what my name is?'. It's bizarre. We once invited neighbours over for lunch; DH and I asked them lots of questions about themselves, left lots of gaps for them to ask about ourselves, and found that they filled those gaps by going: . That was all they could manage. I kid you not. I am not exaggerating. They sat with us for 2 of the most painful hours of my life, talking about themselves and then sighing.

Were they socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves? No. These were people with degrees from Cambridge and lots of friends (I wonder why). Very chatty when the convo was focused on them. Couldn't even come up with 'so, how did you guys meet?' or 'what do you do for a living?'

When I was younger I used to fill the gaps by offering information about myself, but then decided 'let's see what happens if I wait for them to ask first.' And what happens? 9 times out of 10, they don't!

AIBU to think that it's a sign of good communication to show an interest in other people?

i've read everything and agreed with everyone and i have the solution which works when you are with your partner

it is to ignore all the solipsists and talk to your partner with great interest and animation and ask about their day and talk about politics or sex or religion or books or WHATEVER

people can't cope and sometimes I think they get the hint

i so agree with you mmh and also boneyard (too much previous here eg: "where do you live?" "xxxxxxx (a bloody interesting country a long way away)" " oh my aunt's sister-in-law's husband went there fifty million years ago ago he loved it he did this he did that blah de blah de blah")

vv good thread to start because some people do think oh dear I must be dull and boring

but it's not us, it's THEM

the buggers

I have "friends" like this too, well, in truth they are people I met through ante-natal classes rather than my "real" friends, IYKWIM. They never ask questions about what's going on in my life even to the extent that they don't ask if I had a good holiday when they know full well I've just come back from one. I agree that these people are socially inadequate.

My MIL is the same too - when my Grandfather died she never even mentioned it the next time I saw her!

I have just realised why I drink too much at weddings.

It is because I am slowly trying to kill myself in the face of such banality from people who think they are riveting.

lol manic

have you ever done the thing of "mmm..mm.. uh huh.. ..mm.. uh huh ..mmmm uh huh" while they blah blah on and you mentally drift off

only to find that after a while they have actually asked you a question, and you are miles away fantasising about sex or something, and there they are, eyes akimbo with the realisation that you haven't been listening at all

that's a sweet end to an evening

I think rudeness and ignorance is sadly (almost) the norm. I can concur with all the above comments thinking that I too, was evidently a bit sad, uninteresting etc. Whilst on reflection these people are rude.

Even to the point where a lady female of the old er generation kept walking backwards (think she was waiting for someone?) and stepped right into the path of DS (3ys), knocking him flying and then had the audacity to shout at him to get out of the way. I was so shocked and concerned about my DS on the floor I dealt with him first, and then when I was able to stand up to speak with her, she had driven off. I was LIVID.

Some types of people I find are just as over bearing by being the silent, but deadly when critical types... a person who comes to your house, sweeps a gaze around the house, then looks me up and down - slowly as though digesting me, then declares how they'd do the decorating, clothes, hair, child, (whatever) differently or that my party was less well organised than their own; smiles sweetly asking for a favour (as afait accompli) then leaves the house. No manners at all. BTW, I take great pleasure in deliberatly doing things to annoy said type now as I find it hugely entertaining to bait such behaviour.

Sorry, will go now...

Manic Mum - LOL!!

Although I am toying with who is worse

1. the talk all the time about themselves types as detailed on this thread; or

1. the silent type who make you do all the work conversationally to help them hide their social inadequacy. Ends up with you being exhausted by the end of the evening and saying increasing mad things because you are running out of things to amuse them with (this is a snapshot of my relationship with FIL). I want to scream help me out here socialising is supposed to be a two way street stop making me do all the sodding work!

Actually the answer is to put these two dire types together they perfectly compliment each other. Then everyone else normal can enjoy themselves.

reading the bits about people carrying on a conversation whilst missing people out:

i have this annoying habit of meeting someone i know and talking to them, but not introducing the person I am with to them.
I have to put forward my defence....
i am absolutely shit scared that i've forgotten either party's names and that i can't introduce them as ah, this is so-and-so, this is such-and-such, because one of them might turn round and go, no actually, my name is ooz-it.
then what would i do????

i normally try to talk to them both without mentioning anything about the other person's name, but try to find something they have in common to talk about. then they might ask each other what their names are

Devil, my DP does exactly that too, often when out and about with me. He gets in a terror that he will get the name wrong, even of colleagues he has known for years (shit, maybe it's ME whose name he's forgotten too!) I have to take the plunge and introduce myself before it's got too embarrassing.

My gawd! I was at a large family do and plucked up the courage to meet my mil's cousins. They were a party of six so I approached and said
"Hello, I'm sobloodystupid, x's daughter in law, married to y. Pleased to meet you"
"Hello" they chorused. No introductions, they didn't even get out of their sofas!
"Did you have a nice flight?" "Yes, oh yes"
"It's bit wet now, I hope it clears for tomorrow" I persevered
"Mmm"
"Have you plans for tomorrow?"
"Don't think so"
Readers, I fled.
How bloody rude!

Oh sobloodystupid, I know, I know. It's happened to me.

I do take into account that some people are shy. Outside parents evening there was a friend of a friend with her pre-schooler. I said "Hello, you little girl is X, she plays with Y. I know her mum" as a conversation opener. She just mumbled yes and looked at the floor.

I had a friend who I nursed through an on/off affair with a married man, the get together, the ex wife stuff (not condoning any of it) trials and tribs with step children. Then I got pregnant and decided to wait for her to ask how I was. My DD was 3 months old before she asked. May have been the hormones but told her where to get off at the same time. Eight years pass and think "Perhaps should give her benefit of doubt" Get together for supper, listen to her further trials and tribs for entire meal, decide "Am flogging dead horse" Give up. Hey ho.

Yes people within a group all talking about something that one/two of the people present aren't familiar with is one of my pet hates too. Why don't people think - it's so bloody rude

Ooh pink I agree. Those awful people that bang on about intricate office politics when peoples partners are there, when those partners never have and never will meet the people they are wittering on about.

And don't you just know if you mention being ill, that x or y will have either had it WORSE or something more traumatic than the fact that you had to have your head sewn back on after a freak accident with the lawn mower.

I loathe those folk who come to visit you in your house - and then say NOTHING! So you're left firing off 20 questions just to get a convo going but they manage to answer even open ended questions with a yes or no

Having a pre-prepared set of '20 questions' comes in handy a lot I find. I just taught my 8 year old DS a few good ones because I know that folk think YOU are dead interesting if you make it easy for them to talk about THEMSELVES - go figure!

OMG you are all describing my parents.... simultaneous monologuing about incredibly boring crap... ARRRGGGGH. My strategy is simply not to join into conversations like this. But this makes me look boorish.

When my Mum occasionally flips out she goes into stalker mode and asks people about all sorts of stuff that is probably embarrassing and that they don't want ot talk about.

I am probably guilty of just not joining in to enough conversation at all. I tend to arrive late, smile a lot, leave early. I am always nervous about asking people questions because I can always think of circumstnces that would make the question inappropriate, and because I don't want to sound stalkerish.

What do people like being asked about? I'm really crap at this stuff.

interesting - i sometimes think I talk about myself too much. No-one has ever told me I do. I am really shy naturally and sometimes I don't really know what to say therefore I either put foot right in the middle or witter.

My mum was sadly like this - competitive in every eventuality (e.g. oh your fiancé leaving you is just like when I lost the baby...) and monologuing on forever about people I didn't know (or want to) but it was so important she remembered their name in the saga... Still, I'd rather she was still here to carry on doing it now but never mind.

But at least I never did to her what one family friend used to do to his monologuing mum - put the receiver down on the table, wander off and do something else, come back every 5 mins and say "uh-huh" or "mm" until she realised he wasn't listening.

It is bloody rude when people bore on and on about themselves - but sometimes I encourage it when I can't be arsed to tell them about myself because I don't really want them to know! And I admit to being rather nervous of the question "So, what do you do?" because it was always rather complicated. Nowadays, much more simple though!

So hilarious, love it. Glad I am not the only one.

I recently went to a dinner party where I sat by a woman and at the end of it I could tell you:

her name; home and local environs (including how long she had lived there including all benefits and disadvantages of area); where her husband worked and his entire career history including names of important work colleagues; where she bought her dog and how it came to her (long anecdote involving friend's breakdown); names, temperament and history of all of her dogs before; best route home to where she lived (and details of all alternative routes, timings and potential pitfalls); all previous holidays in last five years (including dogs kenelling arrangements) etc etc.

By the end of the meal, she knew my name and home town and literally nothing else.

To be honest, I find people gob smackingly rude nowadays eg. not acknowledging gifts (I never know if they have arrived); not inviting me for lunch after I have them and all their kids over and do my best to entertain them all with a three course meal (was I so boring that you never want to see me again?); not bothering to say whether or not they will come to a party in case they get a better offer (I spend £200 on booze and food and they can't be arsed to send a text about their intentions); blah blah. Was everyone always this rude?

Congrats from me too, Merry

Some people must have nobody to talk about because they've found nothing out, domestics. And I'm glad it's not only me who doesn't get return invitations! Usually happens with dinner parties.

I always come away from social situations worrying that i haven't aksed right questions,or was too quiet and boring, or said too much, or said the wrong thing. i've been known to loose sleep over it. oh to be socially gifted!

We all do that sirsquid. But it is not "socially gifted" to ensure that you don't blather on and on without trying to make the conversation vaguely balanced - we're not talking about everyone being Stephen Fry, just everyone not monologuing for hours on end.

I really like listening to people who are 'professionally' good conversationalists, and the questions they ask to get a conversation going. The key, I think, is if you can come up with something that is specific enough that the person really enjoys answering, and generic enough that it applies to almost anyone. I heard one question which I remember at the time was an incredibly clever way of asking what (if anything) someone did for a living without coming straight out and saying 'so, what do you do?' - but unfortunately I can't remember the what the question was

Interesting that this thread contains a lot of complaints about the 'Facebook generation' and also a lot of complaints about generations well before Facebook. There's a quote from Germaine Greer* about 'they were good talkers as all people were before the mass media', and maybe that's true, or maybe it's just assuming that some recent change has altered human nature, when it's not that simple.

Back to me... I think people have different conversational styles and that it's quite common to encounter people whose conversational style is so different from your own that it feels like death on a stick. Surely people who say 'oh that happened to me in 1982' are trying to show connection, that they were actually listening? [obviously am guilty of this myself] People who don't ask questions may just prefer a high-involvement style of conversation where you simply launch off on your own anecdotes and lob comments back and forth, without waiting for formal questions to be asked.

Well, you asked what I thought. Oh no, you didn't, but I told you anyway

*Daddy we hardly knew you