to think that talking about yourself ALL THE TIME is blardy rude and blardy dull? (Warning: ranty)

[MonstrousMerryHenry]

I have now accepted that these days most people talk passionately about themselves and show next to no interest in other people. I can honestly say that when I meet new people, about 70% of them are perfectly happy to rabbit on about themselves until the cows come home and then when they stop they suddenly encounter brain paralysis which renders them unable to think of a single thing to ask me about myself. Happened just today to me and DH (with the same people at a small gathering).

On one occasion, about 5 mins into a convo, DH ended up saying to a bloke: 'Well, would you like to know what my name is?'. It's bizarre. We once invited neighbours over for lunch; DH and I asked them lots of questions about themselves, left lots of gaps for them to ask about ourselves, and found that they filled those gaps by going: . That was all they could manage. I kid you not. I am not exaggerating. They sat with us for 2 of the most painful hours of my life, talking about themselves and then sighing.

Were they socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves? No. These were people with degrees from Cambridge and lots of friends (I wonder why). Very chatty when the convo was focused on them. Couldn't even come up with 'so, how did you guys meet?' or 'what do you do for a living?'

When I was younger I used to fill the gaps by offering information about myself, but then decided 'let's see what happens if I wait for them to ask first.' And what happens? 9 times out of 10, they don't!

AIBU to think that it's a sign of good communication to show an interest in other people?

Just how the hell do you all appear to know my (thankfully and blissfully now estranged from me) step-mother?

Phone calls to my father would go like this:

"hello s-m, it's Vallhala, how are you?".

BIG mistake!

Never ask such a person how they are .... because Jeez, they'll tell you! I'd hear a sigh and then, "Well, I'd be alright if it wasn't for your father and my tachycardia, its all his fault you know, if he didn't insist on visiting his kids in London next Saturday, how am I supposed to cope with getting that hoover up the stairs, finishing that felt-making AND our son, its playing havoc with my nerves, I know its stress and depression, I don't care what the doctor says, and the neighbour's got arthritis, I know thats what I've got too, my foot aches once a year, and your faather hasn't sorted the MOT out yet and......"

An hour later, with me not getting in more than a "I'm so sorry to hear that", she'd say, "Well I suppose you want to talk to your father", by which time I'd forgotten what I was phoning about!

ROFL at Vallhala!

thumbscrewitch (ow! - great, if painful, name!) - thanks! And so sorry about your mum, did she pass away recently?

domesticslattern - aww, shucks, thanks! But, er, have you namechanged since we met? I don't remember meeting a domestic slattern

Monstrous, it would be funny if it wasn't so, so true!

oh Vallhala - it seems that due to some scary wormhole, your SM is my MIL..

The "how are you" question is tantamount to masochism around her.

I can't tell you all how relieved I am to see all your replies. I honestly thought (as so many have said before me) that it was just me - that perhaps there was something unlikeable/ dull about me. What a relief to discover that it's just other people's complete and utter self-absorption.

over 2 years ago now MMH - but sometimes it seems as though I have only just realised it, iyswim. I was 20w pg when she died so I think my emotions went into some kind of shutdown to protect us both and I'm not sure I'm out of it properly yet.

anyhoo - have you ever tried to "play the game" back at these people? butt in with "oh, you've ust come back from 6 weeks in Goa? Isn't Goa terribly passé these days, @we've just spent 6 months working with underprivileged children in Laos - of course, we both got malaria but survived, thankfully - we decided not to take the Lariam because DH's best friend went psychotic on it and thought he was shooting Viet Cong in his sleep..." you know, something completely outrageous like that. Of course it could get quite tricky if they then disclose that they lived in Laos for 3 years and where were you and do you know X?

Thumbs - I know what you mean about emotional shutdown. I've done my fair share of that over the years. It makes grieving a far more drawn-out process but is so necessary nonetheless. So and sorry, it does take a long time to let all this stuff ease its way out; particularly if you've had to protect yourself and your DS in this way. I do hope you get the odd moment of time to yourself to grieve from time to time, do you?

I like your suggestion of playing the game back - I might just try that one of these days .

How's life in Aus?

getting better now we're settled into our house and not at MIL's any more; plus we finally finished The Book (well, there's still the indexing to do but apart from that it's done) so that's a relief. The weather had been Interesting though - non-stop rain for 24hours and a severe drop in temp again - back in jeans and socks and woolly jumpers again. Typical Spring weather only more extreme on the hot side (some days up to 34 deg )

Got our first UK visitor next Saturday - one of my choir buddies is out here on business so he's coming over for the day and we're going to take him to the Hunter Valley wine region, and to see the mental kangaroos (at our local mental hospital, half-tame gangs there so you can get really up close and personal with them - not the males of course!)

Oh, what a relief it must be to have your own space. Well done also for finishing the dreaded book - it sounds like you've packed a lot into a short space of time.

I didn't know you were a singer - what kind of choir is it? Will you look for a local one to join? And, er, mental kangas, half-tame gangs, unapproachable males - I'm sorry, but the world of kangaroos is totally alien to me - what is this madness you've leapt into??

heh heh - I think the collective term for kangaroos is a gang, no, just looked it up, it's a mob. Not a lot of difference!

they're not really mental, we just call them that because they live in the grounds of the mental hospital - and the inmates (those that are left, v. few now) tend to feed them so the roos are semi-tame. However, the males are still pretty protective and quite large so we tend not to get out the car when they are close, only when the females are around.

Used to sing in various choral societies but also sang in a function band for a while - quite versatile, me! Haven't done any singing since DS came along though. I am hoping to find a local one but from what I've heard, it could be quite hard getting the calibre here - my friend who moved out to Brisbane 13 years ago said that most of the choirs she tried liked to do pretty easy "show" music, rather than the full-scale choral works. Still, I can only try!

How did you get on with all your programme proposals? Did you finish them all and did any get accepted?

Grendel, the perfect generic question is "have you had a busy day"

sorry

This si sooooo annoying but can be funny too. Sometimes you get revenge, you see.

Last week I met someone at a party who only talked about himself, and told me this long story about how he had traveled to Guatemala for a month, and how it had changed him and how GREAT the local people were and how people who do not travel have such a limited world view etc. etc. I did not get a word in...

I did not tell him I had actually lived for 4 years in Guatemala myself.

So a bit later, the host at the party introduces this guy to me, and says: "This is Chandon, she has lived in Guatemala, Chandon, this is Bob who has just come back from a trip there and loved it".

Bob looked very sheepish, I hope he felt the fool he looked!

Monster totally agree with you. Its basic manners to ask people how they are and listen to their answers. People love it if you seem interesed in them. I ofetn feel that British people (or maybe its just English people) lack basic conversation skills. They have little interest in world affairs, politrics or other people and are often hiding up their own rear end, just poking their heads out occassionally to say somnething they feel will impress other people.

I think a lot of this ranting about oneself is acrually trying to impress how clever and interesting they are - showing off basically

Bone I have a sister and one friend who do the same: whatever I do or say, they have to try and prove they have been there, done that etc and of course done it so much better (yawn). My sister is convinced her children are gifted and will both go to Oxbridge and I have met so many parents like that, obsessed with being better than everyone else. How very boring, I now avoid seeing either of them too often as I am sick of it.

YANBU, but saying that, I think I'm guilty of this without meaning to be I only realised a year or so ago and have since then made an effort to ensure I talk about other people and ask questions, but I realise how rude I must have seemed before! Must admit though, I always try to 'share' an experience, if people say they've done that and a friend has done it, I'll say the friend has done it and what they thought and ask what the original speaker thought and whether they thinks it's worth trying. Same as if I've done something that has been done by them. But I think that's part of human nature, a way to connect iyswim?

YANBU This really annoys me too. I frequently come across people like this.

In fact I'm becoming increasingly annoyed by my friend although she is really kind and nice she just talks non-stop about herself.

If I start a converstion for eg. ''the new cats are still a bit nervous'' she will quickly take over and talk about her friend who had a new cat and will go on for about 5 minutes with no questions directed to me just a monolouge!

I don't want to lose her as a friend but I'm finding it difficult having these one way convos all the time, I find myself drifting off while shes chatting away!

lovechoc: You can't blame facebook for it as plenty of people who don't use social networking sites act like this, and plenty who do use them don't act like it. It's just a general attitude that isn't really generational (word or not?).

Though, imo computers have made social skills lack I think, and they are equally to blame as telephones (not face-to-face) and generally just technology, as there is no reason to be out and about these days when everything can be done from home [in the eyes of some, I hasten to add].
It makes being shy go to a whole new level, and avoiding people is too easy, so when these people do meet with others they only have one topic of conversation because they want to prove that they do have a live, even if it is only to themselves

There was a woman at my ante-natal class who was even worse than the horrors described on this thread. Not only did she have zero interest in me (or anyone else) she also appeared to have nothing to say about herself either. So you'd say 'Hi X, how are you' and she'd say 'Fine, thanks' and smile beatifically at you. And you'd say 'So, what have you been up to, how's your daughter doing, isn't the weather nice at the moment, are you going away for Christmas?' and she'd just reply 'Not much. Fine. Lovely. No.' and smile and smile like she was alone in the bath with a big glass of gin and a spliff. I think the expression 'the lights are on but there's nobody home' was invented specifically for someone very like her. She was really hard work.

I still occasionally bump into her in Sainsburys and my heart always sinks. She got on awfully well with the dreadful woman who just rabbited on about herself, though, they were a match made in heaven.

Well exactly Horton ideal when the bores hook up with each other and spare everybody else.

Some "friends" of my parents are unintentionally hilarious. On the day my parents became GPs for the first time they were not allowed to talk about it at all as these people constantly changed the subject to a friend of their daughters who had also had a baby, a woman my parents have not and never will meet. My parents went away knowing everythng about this woman's birth, plans to go back to work, SPD etc etc. Barely asked whether I had had a boy or a girl. Jaw dropping.

MerryHenry YANBU It is really awful.

They are often the same people who over-share. A week into knowing them you know all about their money worries, problems with their partner, the fact that they really want a particular Boden coat and the fact that they are really feeling very emotional at the moment because of something that happened years ago, cue v long elaborate story. Then they say "Oh I didn't realise you had other children." Gah.

YANBU.... Not for one second

YA definitely NBU!

I hate this! I hate the downfall of manners in general! I hate that people think it's odd that I tell DS to call people "Mr and Mrs X" instead of first names! I hate that they think it's odd that I tell him to shake hands and say "nice to meet you"!

AAAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!

Ok, sorry. Realize I have just done what the OP detests and blathered on about myself.

But, um, no, NBU.

Bleurgh! OP - I think you are being a bit cold and unreasonably judgey actually. Surely when you meet new people what matters is whether you get on or not? I'm not sure I would ever notice what percentage of the time someone had spent talking about themselves. I fear it is also merely another area for me to be judged and found lacking...

'socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves'

This to me describes my experience of Oxbridge graduates/students perfectly!

"And don't you just know if you mention being ill, that x or y will have either had it WORSE or something more traumatic than the fact that you had to have your head sewn back on after a freak accident with the lawn mower."

sometimes that surely a sincere effort to make you feel better, by putting your illness into context, or passing on anecdotes about how it can all come right

sometimes people just don't know the right thing to say, especially where there is serious illness or trauma

OP - YANBU

especially bizarre to me was the ignorant woman who showed up at my home uninvited when I had finally brought my first born home from SCBU to rabbit ad nauseum about her own marvellous birth story and how empowering and wonderful it was, how she was on a high for days

no concern as to how we were coping with our frail and sickly baby, no interest in us at all am still that DH let the stupid creature over the threshold!

I know the first part of my post might explain her behaviour, but it genuinely never seemed to dawn on the twit that our experience had been markedly different from hers, and if she was being competitive about it, she had me beat!