to think that talking about yourself ALL THE TIME is blardy rude and blardy dull? (Warning: ranty)

[MonstrousMerryHenry]

I have now accepted that these days most people talk passionately about themselves and show next to no interest in other people. I can honestly say that when I meet new people, about 70% of them are perfectly happy to rabbit on about themselves until the cows come home and then when they stop they suddenly encounter brain paralysis which renders them unable to think of a single thing to ask me about myself. Happened just today to me and DH (with the same people at a small gathering).

On one occasion, about 5 mins into a convo, DH ended up saying to a bloke: 'Well, would you like to know what my name is?'. It's bizarre. We once invited neighbours over for lunch; DH and I asked them lots of questions about themselves, left lots of gaps for them to ask about ourselves, and found that they filled those gaps by going: . That was all they could manage. I kid you not. I am not exaggerating. They sat with us for 2 of the most painful hours of my life, talking about themselves and then sighing.

Were they socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves? No. These were people with degrees from Cambridge and lots of friends (I wonder why). Very chatty when the convo was focused on them. Couldn't even come up with 'so, how did you guys meet?' or 'what do you do for a living?'

When I was younger I used to fill the gaps by offering information about myself, but then decided 'let's see what happens if I wait for them to ask first.' And what happens? 9 times out of 10, they don't!

AIBU to think that it's a sign of good communication to show an interest in other people?

YANBU

People don't seem to have much self awareness and can't judge when they are not reciprocating interest.

I have got a friend who never asks me how my job is going, how my child is doing which wouldn't be a problem if she didn't talk endlessly about her own, after I have been polite enough to ask.

My whole family communicates like this and I thought it was the norm until I met friends who didn't...what a revelation to have a 2 way recipricol CONVERSATION.

It really is so rude to show no interest in the other person or just to wait for a gap in the conversation so you can start to whitter on again.

I actively avoid my brother an sil now for that very reason, I'm fed up with massaging their (insecure?huge?) egos by showing all the interest and getting NOWT back.

No one listens anymore

YANBU, yesterday someone said to me "oh i didnt get a chance to ask about your dh last time we met, it was all about me".
I dont mind too much would much rather talk about someone other than me.

But it is rude and happens a lot

I god I'm probably guilty of this. And I don't even want to talk about myself, but people ask me questions and so I answer them. Then I remember that I am meant to ask them the same back but it sounds so fake and insincere. I do try but I feel awkward. I much prefer it when I can chat to a friend about something else i.e. neither of us, but a third party, a gig, housebuying or whatever shared interest is going on.

I have one friend who is actually lovely, but when we first met she asked me so many questions in such rapid succession I felt like I'd been captured by border guards. She had obviously learned it's the thing to do when getting to know people, but I couldn't keep up. It was just her rapid-fire questions and my answers. So I must have looked like an enormous egotist, but in fact I was just crap at handling it and getting my questions to her in edgeways.

Enough about me, what do you think about me?

Love the fact that the thread has prompted us all to tell stories about ourselves

My name is MAdWitch and I am a reformed blardy rude and dull person

I think I used to be guilty of this, through a combination of nerves and low-self esteem I would rabbit quickly and not really listen to the other person or ask questions...

but

I have since learnt the error of my ways and now make a point of asking questions and actually listening to the answers, when I meet people like that now though I cringe because I realise how solipsistic I must have seemed.

Anyway, enough about me! How are you all today?

it's quite easy to post now and look like i haven't read anything!
(but i have, i promise!)

my mum has the same problem: kind of. she does talk for England and always stuff that interests her (in theory it's supposed to interest us too because it's family stuff.
it's not as bad as it sounds, because hers stems from when she was younger, whenever she met people she would always be the one to instigate the conversation - like asking the questions, telling the stories etc. but as she's got older, she's just got used to being the ice-breaker and now she can't stop!!

i am terribly rubbish at small talk (i'm much better with people i don't know, because i can ask so many questions to find out about them), but sometimes i get shy and forget, or don't want to look like i'm dominating the conversation (like madame's friend who throws the quickfire Qs).

i like it when you say something and someone else can go "oh, oh, i went there, or did that!" because it's a small talk breaker, too.
but it's annoying when people use that to springboard their own monologue.

hope i didn't step on any toes there.

lol & captured by border guards!

I suppose it can go the other way

what's solipsistic?

um, sth like the self is the only reality, I think

Me and DP used to frequent our local pub when we first moved to this village, to get to know people... DP got on all right, as he loves talking abouit himself without being asked etc. But he also did ask questions of others, so that's ok.

But me... I don't automatically do that whole me, me, me thing, I do the asking questions bit (shyness in many ways). And I can honestly say that after ten years of living in our village, there are STILL people in that pub who have no idea what I do for a living, for instance. They have just never asked me.

YANBU. I have found that people do this more and more and more nowadays, not all but some.
And now on to my stories - I have family members who do that. I've practically stopped going for visits, because I was tired of wasting entire evenings listening to them rabbit on about how wonderful they are, how they're planning on buying a new sofa, how they love that kind of car, how they did this, how they did that. I sit there waiting for them to ask a single question to another person, but it never happens. I met another person like this on Friday, who was one of the most self-absorbed idiots ever. Spent the whole evening talking about herself, her interests, how wonderful George Bush was and then she (American, New Yorker) started on about how America was the BEST country in the world, so I lost it and argued with her for about half an hour on this (I was about three vodkas in by this point, so slightly erm, inebriated and argu-y).

oh.
that's an interesting word.
i like it

and hello puppymonkey who posted inbetween!

bleh!

It's just not done. You don't say (in Europe) "America's the best. Europe's dying. America is the most wonderful place ever; you guys are lame and apologise too much". I swear, if I had been physically closer I would have punched her.

I would love to ask 'how did you two meet' the first time I was getting to know a couple. I love to know that kind of stuff. But it would feel rude to me to ask that until I felt we had gone from 'acquaintances' to 'friends'.

YANBU. At the risk of Boneyard's wrath, there is a woman at my DS's school who, at first, seems lovely, until you realise she only ever talks about herself. Ever. Granted she has some very funny and entertaining stories but it's a bit wearing at the "meet other mums" coffee morning when you can't actually talk to anyone else or say anything yourself. Not that anyone would ask. Grrrrr.

This sounds like 90% of the people I work with. Suits me though because I don't like any of them enough to make them party to the details of my life. Makes for easy conversation with the DM reading, slightly stupid, racist people I have nothing in common with.

Fecking wearing to listen to when they all get started though.

ROFL at Riven!

MadameduBain - I hate that rapid-fire thing, too! It's like verbal bombardment! Have you thought of telling your friend to slow down, chill out, give you space? She's probably not aware she's doing it, or that it comes across as quite aggressive.

Tether - I know, I know!

Hurrah for LaSorciereFolle! What did you observe once you started to 'do conversation' differently?

Bleh. You reacted very unreasonably to that American woman. You should have punched her, lack of physical proximity is no excuse. Hang your head in shame.

I love that "America's the best country in the world...we stick innocent people on Death Row then don't cancel their criminal records when we let them out again...we rank 41st in the world for maternal mortality, yeahyeahyeah fly tha flag, mutha...". Exactly how stupid do you have to be to think it's even possible to say any given country is 'the best in the world'? To use my favourite Americanism: what a dufus.

Oh I can so relate to this. Rant alert;

I met a perfectly nice GrandMother at the school gates at pick up one afternoon. After 3 mins of pleasantries she entered into a soliloquy about her two daughters one of which was living abroad; the plan in to move back after 5 yrs, their children are at international school, we are off to sth france next week, we have friends there who own a vinyard, her GS is a bit of a loner at school, the others are at school in Kent...

OMG STOP SHOWING OFF TO ME WOMAN that is not a conversation.

The following week she started to say the EXACT same thing. I just smiled and moved on. The thing is these people seem to have friends they go to dinner with etc. how the fuck to they maintain proper friendships with human beings?

I think because of FB (yes, one of my bugbears too) people aren't really conversing like they used to. Everything is done behind a computer screen (like now, for instance!) and so it makes people lazy, they aren't pressured into asking questions on here, so they get lazy about it.

Face to face however, people probably panic now because they don't really know how to hold a conversation, or when in the conversation to ask questions.

I'm one of those who doesn't use FB and always ask plenty questions and don't talk much about myself.

Asking people questions isn't nosey though, it's called showing interest.

p.s. meant to add that people with degrees from Cambridge (or any uni!) may be extremely intelligent, but when it comes to social skills, they probably aren't up to scratch. It's not possible to be great at everything!

It's Narcissistic Personality Disorder plus a large dose of superior entitlement. It's the times we live in I'm afraid and I agree it's hateful.

I too spend whole evenings with 'friends' without being asked about what's going on in my life.
An old (now ex) friend when being consulted about a dilemma I had would say,
"That's never happened to me so I can't help you"
WTF??