to think that talking about yourself ALL THE TIME is blardy rude and blardy dull? (Warning: ranty)

[MonstrousMerryHenry]

I have now accepted that these days most people talk passionately about themselves and show next to no interest in other people. I can honestly say that when I meet new people, about 70% of them are perfectly happy to rabbit on about themselves until the cows come home and then when they stop they suddenly encounter brain paralysis which renders them unable to think of a single thing to ask me about myself. Happened just today to me and DH (with the same people at a small gathering).

On one occasion, about 5 mins into a convo, DH ended up saying to a bloke: 'Well, would you like to know what my name is?'. It's bizarre. We once invited neighbours over for lunch; DH and I asked them lots of questions about themselves, left lots of gaps for them to ask about ourselves, and found that they filled those gaps by going: . That was all they could manage. I kid you not. I am not exaggerating. They sat with us for 2 of the most painful hours of my life, talking about themselves and then sighing.

Were they socially inept, educationally limited, lacking in opportunities to develop themselves? No. These were people with degrees from Cambridge and lots of friends (I wonder why). Very chatty when the convo was focused on them. Couldn't even come up with 'so, how did you guys meet?' or 'what do you do for a living?'

When I was younger I used to fill the gaps by offering information about myself, but then decided 'let's see what happens if I wait for them to ask first.' And what happens? 9 times out of 10, they don't!

AIBU to think that it's a sign of good communication to show an interest in other people?

To those have overcome the need to talk about yourselves through shyness - what questions would you recommend as conversation starters?

I get quite nervous around new people and am worried I'll come across as nosey, what's the happy medium between egotistic and interrogative..?

MonstrousMerry! Namechanger here, I was mmmmuffle and then Lady.of.the.Bathtub (have realised namechanging a bit more often is the way to go)

But anyway - I know my friend better now, and she's stopped it. I think it's just her "meeting new people" strategy. It is probably still a bit better than just banging on about yourself... like what she forced me to do

But on a different matter - am I right in thinking you're pg as well?

I am always terrified about talking about myself too much for fear of pissing people off -so I do wait to be asked -usually people (in my circle anyway) seem pretty good at give and take. I do very consciously switch conversations away from myself if I feel I'm saying too much

I have an idea. Next time I am in 'conversation' with one of these egotists (NPD, polly? Whew! That's a heck of a lot of people with NPD, in that case!!) I shall ask them what are their personal bugbears. After allowing them to prattle on I shall interject by saying 'let me tell you about one of my bugbears...' and then see how they respond.

Evil, aren't I?

mwa

ha

ha

harrrr

That sounds like a good plan Henry.

YANBU either, it really bugs me too.

I'm confused, Madame, are you the mmmmuffle who was also muffle and prior to that was a mountain big cat in the cold?

Who ARE all you people?

"By ThisCharmingFlan Mon 26-Oct-09 13:15:44 Add message | Report | Contact poster

To those have overcome the need to talk about yourselves through shyness - what questions would you recommend as conversation starters?"

I hate asking personal questions because it might be inappropriate in case they've got issues...
i usually start with things that may have happened in the recent past; something like asking what they've done in the past few days, or maybe what they're going to do at half term.
something that means they don't have to give themselves away, but that they can expand on if they want.

commenting on their clothes helps too: ooh, i really like your top, that colour's great. (not even necessarily asking the questions because "where did you get it from" sounds like you're going to buy one! )

what's your favourite chocolate? etc.

I have a friend who does this and I actually love it. I find it hilarious. You can literally sit and have a two and a half hour conversation with her which is ENTIRELY about her. I think it's fascinating that (a) she has that much to say about herself and (b) it never crosses her mind that maybe not everyone is endlessly riveted by her life. She is an insane egotist and I think it's really amusing.

I love cupcake's attitude... treat it as entertainment and take bets how long they can keep going on same subject of themselves

Yes I wasn't actually mmmuffle I was just trying to disguise it. I'm paranoid in case any of the family members I like to moan about track me down. (especially when I was the big cat - I was that for far too long and realised how identifiable I became. Ah joys of the web)

YANBU. Personally I quite like it when people rabbit on about themselves though. I don't really like talking about myself much so it lets me off the hook

I hate it when people ask me lots of questions.

MerryHenry. I know. In retrospect I should have. I also came up with a whole BUNCH of brilliant responses the next day, including the killer "if America's so fabulous and the sun shines out of its arse why are you living in London? Off you fuck". She was going on about how they're so amazing, with their bill of rights and whatnot (Magna Carta anyone? Few CENTURIES earlier) and if they're so hot on human rights, why did President Bush open Guantanamo Bay which undermines Human Rights, the Rule of Law etc. etc. She was also very anti-Obama and faintly racist. She came out with "America's the only country where people came from Europe to start a new and wonderful society"
Bleh "yes, and then you killed off all the natives. Well done".
Stupid woman "but ..."

Rant over (when I told Democrat friend from New Jersey she said that woman like that are the reason she LEFT AMERICA).

MadameDuBain - I can understand that; I've been toying with the idea of changing from time to time meself, as it happens. You've gotta be able to whinge in private! So how are ya, me old mucker?

Oh, and yes - I am pg! You know, I did see a mmmmuffle on here not so long ago but assumed it wasn't you, otherwise I'd have slapped you on the back and given you a bear hug. So apols if I came across as cold...

ROFL at cupcake - though my Evil Twin would want to place actual bets and then reveal the outcome to the egotist at the end...such delicious revenge

Bleh - why does our wit escape us when we need it the most? I'd have liked to have said to "America's the only country where people came from Europe to start a new and wonderful society": Yes, and they failed.

Look, I'll let you off this time, but if you ever encounter that gobshite in future, you know what to do, awrigh'? Don't let me down again.

YANBU, but I don't really think about it, I would just talk about myself when there was a pause. Sounds like they couldn't be bothered to make the effort. The lots of friends they have? They must have known them for a long time and don't have to make the effort.

I've just met a used car salesman with very good social skills, he asked me all about myself and seemed interested. A little unusual!

Hurrah! We've made it to the 'Discussions of the Day!'

Well I'm 19 weeks pg and feel like a pile of shite. Me me me! And yourself?

You do namechange a lot though, but remain recognisable.

Chunky, I used to do things your way, but then realised that they probably didn't ask because they weren't interested. So I decided to test this theory by not filling the gaps. The gaps (and my theory) remained.

YANBU

We became friends with our neighbours six years ago (they've moved on now) and despite seeing one another regularly at barbecues and informal suppers I don't think in all that time they asked us one single question about ourselves. I've never met a more insular, self-absorbed family. Apart from that, they were strangely likeable!!

I also find the reverse situation fairly annoying. There are people who are so determined NOT to talk about themselves in a falsely modest "I am so self-consciously humble" sort of way that they end up drawing more attention to themselves.

Equally people who come to supper and just sit there like a cabbage and don't even attempt to make conversation. (I'm not talking about the truly social phobic, just people who are normally shy and uncomfortable in social situations as many of us are.)

We had it drummed in to us as school that "self-conscious" means thinking about yourself and not others .....

Tbh, I think the reason it doesn't register with people that they are behaving badly is that they aren't taught the basic rules about how to engage socially nowadays, so it just doesn't occur to them.

Oh dear, I sound very "disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" ...

Hey, congrats! That's brilliant! Oh, hang on a minute, are you saying you're 19 wks preg, or are you quoting someone annoying? And who namechanges a lot, who, who? Argh, does not compute

Oh dear my conversing skills really are not up to much! I am 19 weeks (and many congrats to you too!) Tis you that namechanges. Yes, you!

cor blimey, this is all a bit harsh isnt it?

my mum talks too mcuh about herself when she is nervous. she is just shy and is making an effort but not quite doing it right.

one of dh's friend's mum can talk for england about herself, her neighbours, her holidays, without stopping for breath. but she is so lovely. she is trying to keep nice conversation going.

is there a gender thing here too? eg i would rather someone funny did all the talking than i answered stuff about me. i know a lot of guys think like that too - manners is to entertain and keep a social event going with laughter and interesting stuff. the stuff of small talk and personal inquiries insnt always that engaging...

I'll try it too then Merry, and report back

I agree Counting, these people possibly haven't got any social graces. Something to think about with our own dc?

I've met people who just go on and on about themselves, when they get home they wouldn't have anything to say about who they've met.

So ironic to ask this question on a site where we all talk about ourselves constantly

...anyway, back to ME..!