To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

I'd say she's brave for writing so honestly.

Thats what i meant chickandduck brave for being so frank about her feelings as they are not something someone would readily admit to and would be happy to reveal, well i certainly would not.

here

"[The UK charity Contact a Family] report lack of holidays, lack of social life"

especially brave for writing that this was an influence on her decision Not exactly selfless.

Yes, brave for writing about it. Not brave what she did though.

I have heard about this story and India Knight as quoted above sums it up.

JH should stop writing and profiting about/from the baby girl she left behind. It is callous and cruel to milk Imogen for money yet wanting nothing to do with her.

Praise for Tania who looks after Imogen and another child, God bless her.

I hadn't heard of her before mumsnet either

her desire to be in the papers/magazines so bloody often makes you think she's trying to gain acceptance and forgiveness for what she's done (why else would you do it?)

but you can't call it brave at all!. Brave is carrying on with that situation - working through the dreadful times, finding ways of coping. Brave isn't handing the baby over after less than 6 months.

ah hadn't seen India's article lol. Yes, she says exactly what I was thinking tbh.

It's the sort of story that they didn't need to tell over and over again surely? that's what gets to me a bit. I mean if you really can't cope, well then at least the child has a carer who loves her now (thank goodness). But to constantly retell it in a way that you're trying to draw attention to yourself and make money from it - i dunno, bit unpleasant.

Yes Indias article was spot on, Tania is a lovely lady and she has done so well in looking after Imeogen and giving her the best possible life. I just mean that JH was brave for admitting her feelings that many would find shameful and hide them away not brave though for profiteering from this, she should do well to now withdraw from publicity and conduct herself with more dignity and be more discreet.

India Knight says it all and I can't improve on her response.

My son was diagnosed suddenly aged 2 days with a severe disability and I cannot put the trauma of that moment - and subsequent years of trauma - into words. Both my partner and I admitted to each other that we would have found it easier if ds had died, such was the unbelievable shock of finding out that we were now regarded by society not as parents, but lifelong carers of a totally dependent human being.

We were offered no counselling, no family support worker, no respite, no introduction to other families in the same position, just an endless stream of hospital appointments all of them ending in bad news. Then came a raft of therapies, where we were supposed to be enthusiastic participants. Still no counselling, no family support and total isolation.

It is no fucking wonder families are destroyed and society can offer us nothing useful, only pity. No wonder that JH was so depressed she gave her child away.

I just wish she would face her own feelings and stop justifying herself. Thank God for the healing powers of time - I now value my wonderful, funny, frankly bonkers son but it took ages to feel comfortable in this life.

aww donkyderby thats so good, time is a great healer best wishes to you all

so true donkeyderby

my dh and admitted to each other that we both felt like it was going to be a living death for us all. Looking at our pale, sick, floppy baby covered in tubes / cannulas etc and seeing just a complete void.
But at the same time just a baby as well. Really was the most horrendous, agonising time.

But it HAS got better, like so many others have said

It is lovely to read MNetters accounts of caring for a child with a disability, does not sound that JH gave it much of a chance and did not try and seek help with caring for Imeogen before resorting to the drastic measure of giving her away. I do read trashy magazines my vice, and Take a Break do pubish some really positive stories from parents who are caring for disabled children. Working in that area i used to see for myself the potential of people with disabilities, it was my job to help them with various life skills and organising community activities with them for a day centre. For example Downs Syndrome used to be given such a negative outlook by Drs but thats not true at all, the adults who have that condition at the day centre i used to work at had a great quality of life and could do so many things.

i think this thread goes to show just what a brave and selfless parent is.
hollander is a twunt

I think we all agree more or less on the basics. That we wouldn't necessarily judge someone who couldn't cope & placed their child in care (I know I wouldn't judge & I think many other MNers wouldn't either from what's evident in this thread). Also, none of us is advocating a saintly, completely self-sacrificial attitude, not asking for help when needed, not having any negative feelings or ambivalence etc. I think our problem is JH's attitude in the press, talking on & on about it. I suppose the good thing about it (the only good thing that I can see) is that it creates a discussion around SN & maybe some people who have never thought of the issue will come to think of it, to imagine what they themselves would do if they were in JH's shoes etc. But I doubt very much that that's why JH has been so open about it all (although I suppose that's how she might be justifying it to herself).

I think in the end any public discussion on SN ends up being a positive thing though, or positive things can come out of it, such as what's highlighted in this thread, e.g. that foster carers get paid while parents of a SN child don't. If that's the case, it's outrageous! Parents should be getting all the help, including financial, that they need.

I think admitting that you can't cope with a disabled child is one thing (although IMO not until you've had to, because until you've had to you can't possibly know), but writing a book about it and then having another "normal" child to replace the one you've got iridof is quite another.

I wonder what JH would have done if she'd had another disabled child? I wonder if she would have kept giving them away until she'd had a "normal" one? Or what if she'd had a baby who turned out to have a disability that doesn't show until the baby is older, so she'd had time to bond with it, would she give that away too? Or what if one of her perfect children was in an accident and became disabled, would she walk away from those as well?

Iirc in the original article about this JH wrote about how she helped raise money for the hospice who provide restbit care for Tania for two weeks of the year. So JH doesn't even take her own daughter home for those two weeks, she allows the foster carer to have restbit by putting her daughter in to a hospice.

I have read Tania's blog and Tania sees Immy as her daughter. She hasn't adopted her but she does have rights over her, i.e. she has a special guardianship which essentially means she is her parent in all senses of the word.

So no, I don't think that Julia hollander is brave or selfless, I think she is a selfish bitch who dumped her daughter rather than try to cope with her disability (and I mean dump as it is - she drove Immy's belongings to the dump while she was in hospital), and then turned herself into some kind of marter by writing a book about her personal tradgedy.

JH hasn't been honest though - I don't think she's even been brave enough to face what she did. She chose her husband over her daughter. Now I've never been in the position if having some weak husband who would head out the door at the first sign of disability - I know many men do- mine didn't - but had he asked me to choose between him or my child I would have been packing his bags.

I feel sorry for JH in that I think she would probably been happier had she kept immie - I judge that from the way she talks about her now and the regret rgat is voiced.Our family deals with severe disability day in day out and we certainly seem happier than her. Although I have noted before that we - with the supposedly difficult life - are often happier (if more moment to moment stressed) than those who supposedly have the perfect lives. I sudpect that's because severe disability teaches you things you didn't know you needed to learn (like perspective and value and community). She is lucky that immie went to
tania - had her dumping in hospital led to a different life I suspect it would have been even harder for her.

I think the saddest thing is still now she doesn't understand what she gave away. She can't allow herself to see her daughter as anything other than damaged. Giving that view airtime- applauding that view- is incredibly damaging for those familes who do understand the value their children bring to the world.

I'd love to know that if JH hadn't received any attention from the media or had been unable to sell her story/book, would she still have any contact with Imogen at all.

I just think it would have suited her to pretend Immie hadn't happened to her at all.

I wonder though whether she didn't try because she was afraid to face the fact that she might actually have been able to cope?

Prejudice to disability is such an inbuilt thing in some people that when they are faced with it it's easier to not try than to go against your prejudices and face up to the fact that you might have been wrong all along.

I do wonder whether there is regret now. Immy is well cared for, and JH has a relationship with her on her terms, so to all intents and purposes she still has a disabled daughter, she just doesn't have to play a day-to-day part in her care - in the difficult bits.

Perhaps if Tania had been more keen to formally adopt Immy rather than have a guardianship thus meaning jh still had a part in her life, JH might have felt more regret.

Has anybody got the link to Tanias blog

What if one of her other children has an accident which leaves her severely disabled - would she give away that one as well?

blog

Thanks Pumpkin, yes one of her daughters was worried that she would give her away if anything happened to her