To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

Who knows what motivates JH to continue to talk about her situation.

'Also, in foster care, the carers have help. Mere parents do not get this help early, if at all'

100% agree. My ds's problems emerged over the first few years of his life, so different from being told straight after his birth but obtaining respite care involved a two-year fight with SS - which is absolutely standard practice, nothing was, or is, ever offered to parents (in mine and my friends' experiences).

Parents are too often left to flounder right up to breaking point. Who knows whether JH would've kept her dd had a wonderful package of respite care been in place from the get go...although the repulsive comment, 'Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be', doesn't leave much room for optimism.

I don't know much about JH or her family, but I know that I respect Riven's viewpoint on this above pretty much anyone else on MN.

I agree with those who have said that it does appear that little Immy didn't cut the mustard, so to speak, and was cast aside in favour of more 'perfect' children.

And I agree, wholeheartedly, that everything that she says and does now will come back to haunt her in the future. That this will not profoundly affect the children she deigned to keep is absurbed.

absurded

I regularly read tania's blog, where she talks freely about her life with Imogen. And I love it. Like hearing a friend just chatting away about daily life.

And then I read yet another article orwhatever by JH. Where she talks about all the quotes listed below. Nothing positive at all. I won't judge her for putting her child into care. I'll judge her for turning herself into a fuckin martyr about it. And all the other hateful things she has said about that lovely girl. I won't villify her for thinking them. I'll damn well judge her for continually touting her story to the press in such a negative way. While all the time raising her profile by using Imogen to do it.

I'm sure her story does nothing but damage the fight for better resources and more money for families who face the challenges of disabilities and special needs on a daily basis. Shame because had she raised her daughter and commanded as many column inches she could have done so much good.

I haven't read through this but I personally could never ever put one of my children into care. No matter how ill or disabled they might be. As far as I am concerned they are my flesh and blood and I would want to look after them. Yeah it might be bloody hard some days but who cares!

Feck me. I cannot spell ABSURD.

Apologies to any lurking pedants!!

KristinaM no she left her in hospital and took her stuff to the dump

Abandonment is not a brave decision, it is cowardly and selfish.

Bobbing for peachys you do not need to be rude, i stated that i am not a shit stirring troll and i did not word my op in a good way and your perfect i expect not!!! Of course disagree with me thats what the AIBU is about but dont be so bloody rude

I did not say one bit that i do not support any parent with a child with a disability that is totally wrong i just wanted to get some views about it, are we not entitiled to our views, anyway reading here i did not know the full information surrounding that and i apologised for my badly worded op what more can i do

Im the normal scheme of things, I don't much care for ndia Knight, but for me she says everything there is to say about Julia Hollander here

Jemart: "Abandonment is not a brave decision, it is cowardly and selfish".

That's quite a strong statement, don't you think? Would you say the same for those mothers who rationally & consciously choose to make an adoption plan for their child? It would be great if you didn't use such emotive & strong language (although this thread is bound to get emotive). There are many different reasons why people do things. And a great variation in how they feel about things.

I have to say though, JH sounds vile. I have no idea what I would have done in her situation. Can't imagine TBH. But I have friends who have children with SN & despite their ambivalence, stress, difficulties at times etc, they usually cope just fine. Not by being saints, far from it, or superhuman. Just because he / she is their child & they love them.

Maybe though JH is writing all this trash because she can't let the matter go & is trying unconsciously to justify it to herself? (not that that makes it better). Maybe at heart she feels guilty?

There's nothing wrong with putting your child into care if you can't cope. DS1 will require 24 hour care for the rest of his life and at some stage (hopefully in his late teens/ 20's) he will move into carefully chosen (and no doubt battled for - because it won't be cheap) care.

I remain very about dumping your child in hospital then buggering off back to your travel writing life and having another 'proper' child then writing a book about how brave you've been.

If that's brave thank fuck I'm a coward.

Also a lot of the stuff JH writes about things like SS is utter crap - she doesn't know because she hasn't done it and it suits her to have the dire picture. Yes dealing with SS is difficult, yes there is not enough money, but you know if you love your child (and most mothers do) you find a way through.

Having a disabled child remains the best thing that ever happened to me (at a big price for my son granted). JH chose beardy over her child. I wish she'd just live with that rather than justify it constantly in public- it does disabled people a huge disservice.

India Knight got it right at the time

India also posted a link to Tania's take on the story on another entry

I'm not linking but I think Tania is wise lady and I'm happy to take her view on things and it's very different to mumsnet

Well Tania cannot say in public what she thinks either way can she so who knows.

Immie was very lucky to get a Tania. I wonder if JH would have written such a book if Immie had taken the route of foster placement after foster placement or 52 week resi school?

I was very interested to discover recently that if I had been a foster carer rather than mother I would receive 2 grand a month for looking after ds1. I don't even get carers allowance because I am studying- so I am studying full time and caring for ds1 full time on top (study around him), whereas if I was a foster carer I would receive double just for caring for ds1 and wouldn't have to do the full time studing for money bit that I am doing.

There have been many times over the years that we have talked about putting our ASD/ADHD/ severe learning disabilities son in care as he has become so violent as he has gotten older I am scared of him now and he knows it,it just takes us to say the wrong thing and it sets him off he is now 15 and settled at the moment but as soon as he is not in school for any period longer than a week and he is hell on earth I love him more than anything but am totally exhausted due to his lack of sleep what does his future hold we don't know but we will still fight for him because he's our responsibility no one else's.If she had tried to look after her for a bit longer I would understand but she never gave that little girl a chance looking at that 'family photo' and then looking at Tania's blog doesn't look like the same child.

tania herself has only ever wanted to care for disabled children, and always intended to become a professional foster carer. there just aren't that many people around with that level of dedication - jh did not know at all what would become of her daughter when she chose just not to go back to the hospital and collect her, and nor did she care.

i don't intend to bump her profits.

i have every sympathy for parents in her situation, (dd2 has cp and her initial year was as jh described) and my heart goes out to them. i would even feel warmer toward her if as a previous poster suggested, her constant harping on was her way of compensating for the overwhelming guilt (and i suspect it might be). more likely it is a human reaction to present herself in a slightly better light in comparison to the carer/ immie's mother, who without a doubt is the more selfless of the two women.

immie is in the right place. tania is an amazing woman who despite everything remains selfless and giving. it's a hard act to live up to, eh jh?

Think India Knight says it all pretty well here

When the severity of the brain damage was confirmed by a neurologist - ?Strictly speaking, she has no intelligence,? the consultant said - Hollander felt unable to continue visiting her daughter in hospital or to collect her when she was allowed home. She and Arden gathered all of Imogen?s things - the cot, the steriliser, the high chair - ?and Jay drove them to the dump?. When Elinor, the couple?s other child, came home from school, there was no evidence Imogen had existed (I?m hoping her parents have started a therapy fund for Elinor).

Reading Indias article Julia and her husband sounds like a very cold and uncaring parents and it seems like Imeogen is in the best place she can be. Its not that she gave her up for adoption, its the others things that posters on here have highlighted, she seems very self centred and selfish, she should have kept a dignified silence. I guess that article in Pick me up was screwed to side with Julia and did not highlight the bigger picture and full story. Tania is a fantastic lady and i am sure that Imogeon is in the best of care. Better be with someone who loves you in a positive environment than in that negative place.

Even if i had to give up my child because i could not cope, nothing wrong with that, i would be devastated and would keep hold of their things to remind me of them, to throw them away like rubbish is cruel and disguating IMO. It sounded like Imgeon was a nucsince and they were well shot of her to carry on their perfect lives.

That's funny. Because I know someone who had a late stillbirth. She had acquired all the usual stuff for baby, lots of lovely girly things (she already had 2 boys).

After the stillbirth she threw out every single baby thing in the home. She simply couldn't bear to have any reminders. But of course, JH couldn't possibly be allowed to grieve for the child she would never have; we must always presume the worst where JH is concerned .

just read this story in th magazine

i have the pick me up article here. its errr interesting.