To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

I agree with Pixel. I think this is one of the more distasteful aspects of the JH publicity, inviting the world to comment on the value and worth of a real child, not a unborn fetus or an anonymous all-identifying-details-changed hypothetical child, but a real living little girl who now has her own life and personality, friends and hobbies. And everyone can read JH's book and read Tania's blog, learn all there is to learn about Immie and then decide for themselves whether her life is worthwhile, whether they would have wanted Immie in their family. And discuss whether smothering Immie with a pillow would be "murder" or "ending the life of a child with a low quality of life".

not that i'm criticising anyone here because of course that is pretty much the point of the book. i just think it's a gross invasion of privacy and can't understand why JH had to identify Immie and Tania. if it really was a story that needed to be told why couldn't she change the names and give Immie some privacy and a chance to grow up without everybody knowing that her birth mother would have prefered her dead?

And I agree that that she does not speak for most parents of disabled children. I couldn't bear to hear people discuss my ds like this.

saintly:

'...the prejudice towards disability - especially learning disabilities - which is so common and accepted that most people don't even realise what they're saying.'

Yes, very true. I think this fear and prejudice is hard-wired tbh, harking back to ancestral times when survival was everything.

I have to be honest - i cant say I wouldnt find it very hard to raise a seriously disabled child HOWEVER this woman IS NOT, WAS NOT and will never be brave for rejecting her. She gave it a whole 5 months and her weak, selfish husband considerably less. They are truly vile and deserve every flaming they ever get. Stating "I am weak and I am selling my story to give my daughter at least some money" would at least have been midly admirable. This is just vile. YUCK.

Great post hoppity.

Hoppity sums up the collective feelings about JH very well.

I know a mum (her ds2 is in my ds's class at school) who fought and battled for respite care and equipment for nigh on 10yrs for her ds1 (severe cp), got nowhere but breaking point and eventually told SS to place him with foster carers because she knew that he would then get everything he needed. And so it came to pass. I'm uuessing that this mum is often judged for her chosen course of action but any judgement should be reserved only for the system, which spectacularly failed her. I don't believe I have read her story in a magazine or book though.

Too true Riven and it's not just dc with disabilities is it - it's wounded soldiers, victims of assault or accidents, people caring for others with dementia and so on...

Yes I agree - I do remind SS that if I can't cope they will have to find £200 000 a year for ds1.

Manny the Mum you know should not be judged- a very different situation than JH.

£200k per year, wow that's cheap , we looked at a resi school a year or two back (out of curiosity mainly, we didn't really have the intention of pursuing that option at the time - but that's not to say we won't when ds is much older..) and the fees for 1-1 were £250k per year .

great post hoppity. Especially point (g), which I suspect is at the nub of the whole thing.

I take a similiar view to Hoppity.

What irritates me about JH isn't that she gave up her daughter because she had disabilities but that she seemed to do this because she judges herself as being too good/clever to have, love and care for a disabled child.

Manny - not sure about hard-wired. At various times in history some with autism for example have been viewed as sacred beings closer to God than mere mortals. I think treatment of people with LD's varies from culture to culture as well. And we're not always the most "advanced".

Certainly strong prejudice in this culture though.

Hoppity - your post truly deserves to reach a wider audience. I wish it could be published in full in all the broadsheets. (No point even wishing it could be published in the likes of Pick Me UP).

To those saying how awful it is that Imogen will have to hear how her parents didn't want her/too good and all that crap.....don't you realise you are the people putting that stuff out there for Imogen or her siblings to find out about one day? It's your words that will hurt

I am a lone voice here, I don't believe JH deserves this vitriol, I believe she put Imogen first and still does

And spare a thought for Tania, your words are just as hurtful to her, she has read and commented on this thread and she is right, many of you haven't been in JH position, so do you have the right to judge and be so hateful?

tribeleader - may i ask how you know Tania has posted? are you Tania? yikes

I hope what i have written has not made Tania suffer, that is far from my intention.

JH wrote a bloody book FGS. One which did a huge disservice to people with disabilities. So people like my son. If she didn't want people to comment on it, then she shouldn't have written it.

When did she put Imogen first? (Am genuinely interested - had she decided she wasn't coping and had spent time finding some sort of alternative then yes I would agree - but I don't see how refusing to collect her from hospital and leaving her to SS was putting her first).

And many people commenting on this thread have been in JH's position.

Tania used to post on MN (I think/guessed).

I don't think anyone is intending to be hurtful to Tania - but people are allowed to comment on a story that keeps being sold to the press.

tribeleader - if we knew just the basic facts, that JH had put her child up for adoption, then she wouldnt be judged badly.
but unfortunately, everyone has had the opportunity to read what she has written, and she is judged on her own words, I'm afraid.

oh if anyone thinks that post above should be deleted then feel free to hit ! I can't remember the posting name and I never knew for sure but I put 2 and 2 together (and may have come up with 5 who knows). Haven't 'seen' her in ages though.

I think that I remember Tania making a statement in the past about the public reaction to JH, and she was very sympathetic. I cant remember if it was on her blog or on MN though.

No I am not Tania, it is not on this thread

But I do believe that some words on here are horrible, these are her daughters other parents you are talking about

I read over and over again parents really struggling with a childs disability, not just services, I have read people having real trouble coming to terms with their child/ren. I don't see how people can berate this family when they understand the grief, pain and angst we all go through, JH decided it was something she couldn't live with and placed her child in safety. I can understand these views in people with no knowledge of living with a disability, I don't get people who know how hard it is being so judgy

However hard it is my disabled son is every bit as important as our non disabled kids. That is what I judge. That in her words one child was expendable. ONe child was much less than other children.

It's not that she couldn't cope (as I have said repeatedly on here my son will be move into care at some stage, he will have to) - it's that she values -still-according to her own words- her disabled child less than her other children. I find that unforgivable.

Her words were honest, hard to read but those were her thoughts

Have you read the book? Or just going on the abridged newspaper version?

How do you get taken seriously by SS that you need help? It's usually when people are so worn down that they (like Riven has said) threaten to SS that they will be leaving the child with them that they get any kind of help. We all know this, JH was told this

She knew she couldn't cope, she found out how to help her, her family and Imogen and did it. She didn't wait for her family to break down or until she was broken down or until Imogen was in grave danger, she did it before all that happened and I think she was right (for her)

And I was in her position

So is it better for her to have carried on with a child she couldn't cope with just so she could be accepted by other parents that can cope?

Tribeleader - I tried to make clear in my post that I did not criticise JH for giving up her child, for reaching breaking point or for feeling she was not equipped for the longterm care of a child with very serious SN.

I criticise her for exploiting the situation and trying to normalise her decision.

It was her attitude to her decision, rather than the decision itself which made me react strongly.

That parents can't cope....we all know of parents like this. Many of us have felt like this.

Not many of us have written a book and given multiple interviews avbout it.