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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to smoke when the DCs have playdates at our house?

82 replies

BigMomma3 · 16/10/2009 09:55

What I mean is AIBU to smoke outside when the DCs have friends over for playdates! I do get really worried some times at what other parents will think of me cos I smoke . I NEVER smoke in the house - always in the garden, if raining I stand under an umbrella and I have my special 'smoking cardi' which comes down to my knees and stops my clothes smelling of smoke! I also wash my hands straight after and eat lots of mints. As you can see I am a bit anal about it myself all because of the guilt of being a smoking mother .

Would you have a problem with your DC coming to have tea at the house of a smoker as described above!! I can go for an hour or so without one but normally kids stay for at least 3 hours. Am a bit worried as I am sure one little boy told his mum that he saw me smoking and now she's a bit off with me. I would love to stop but have things going on in my life that mean I can't at the moment (will be meeting my father who I have not seen for 30 years this weekend!) and I am teetotal so smoking seems the lesser of two evils .

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 16/10/2009 09:58

It would not bother me as long as you smoked outside.

I know that lots of people think differently, so you would probably be best to ask the parents if they mind.

If the children have respiritory problems then you should not smoke at all.

CaresMildly · 16/10/2009 09:59

Don't beat yourself up about it - if you want a fag and it helps you then go for it. Sounds like you are doing all the right things in terms of protecting the children, but it seems to me you are losing any benefit of having a cig by worrying too much about it.

If you're going to smoke then at least enjoy it and bugger what other people think.

fernie3 · 16/10/2009 10:00

for an older child I would be ok with it every now and then as long as you smoked outside withe the door shut. My MIL leaves the door open and she may as well be standing next to me smoking because all the smoke seems to drift in anyway!

I probably wouldnt send my son because he has had such serious chest problems in the past (emergency hospital admissions, oxygen etc etc) which happened after seeing my MIL or a very young baby but for my school age child I would be ok with it other than the points above

maybe im being overprotective but its so scary seeing your baby not breathing I couldnt handle it!

sophie

CaresMildly · 16/10/2009 10:01

MmeLindt: she's smoking outside so that the children aren't affected at all whether they've got respiratory conditions or not.

It's hard to see why she should ask permission from any of the other parents if it's OK to smoke in her own house garden!

emsyj · 16/10/2009 10:01

How old are the children? Can you safely leave them indoors unattended whilst you go outside to smoke?
I wouldn't like it, sorry. I am a fervent anti-smoker. Also, however much you wear a 'smoking cardi', wash your hands and eat mints, you will still stink of fags.

fernie3 · 16/10/2009 10:02

forgot to add I would check (either ask or more subtely) if the children have chest any chest problems or asthma because it would never occur to me to mention it to another mum if it didnt come up!

CaresMildly · 16/10/2009 10:03

So what if she stinks of smoke - it won't hurt anyone. FGS can she go outside for a couple of minutes - should she get permission from the other parents if she needs to go to the loo at any point as well??

hairyclaireyfairy · 16/10/2009 10:04

Would'nt bother me as long as you were outside with the door closed over.

gorionine · 16/10/2009 10:04

I agree with CaresMildly.

emsyj · 16/10/2009 10:05

"MmeLindt: she's smoking outside so that the children aren't affected at all whether they've got respiratory conditions or not."

But they arguably ARE affected by seeing an adult authority figure smoking in that they receive the message that it's okay/a good thing to do. I wouldn't like that idea.

Re: why should she ask permission from other parents if it's okay to smoke in her own house/garden, well if you are doing something that you know to be antisocial and generally regarded as having an ill effect on children (and adults...) it's not unreasonable to at least warn parents that this goes on in the house. Would you have a glass of wine whilst in charge of someone else's children? Would you swear? I wouldn't.

overmydeadbody · 16/10/2009 10:05

BogMomma it would not bother me!

If you smoke outside it really doesn't matter does it? In your situation I would probably just do it on the sly so that the childrne didn't notice or know, and wouldn't go back home and mention it

NancyBotwin · 16/10/2009 10:06

The only thing I would say is that I have friends who only smoke outside yet (to me) their house always smells like a smokers house - though obv not as badly as if they smoked indoors! Maybe I just have a very sensitive nose or maybe cigarette smoke/smells are very pervasive..

emsyj · 16/10/2009 10:09

Agree with NancyBotwin. And I can't stand the stink of smoke. Grew up in a house with 2 smoking parents and couldn't wait to have my own house with a smoking ban.

You'll never get a balanced view on this as views on smoking are so polarised. My view is probably v v unreasonable in most people's eyes, but that's how I feel about it and I don't feel particularly inclined to make concessions for smokers as I hardly know any anyway (mum no longer smokes).

CaresMildly · 16/10/2009 10:10

Of course I'd have a glass of wine if I wanted it. What on earth is wrong with that?

What they will see is someone smoking - they will probably be interested but appalled (children are instinctively against smoking, quite sensibly). They then may ask their parents about it and an interesting discussion ensues. They may all end up agreeing that BigMomma3 is a bit silly for smoking. But by god she makes a nice pizza and BM3's DCs are good to play with so what the hey ...

pjmama · 16/10/2009 10:11

I don't think you need anyone's permission to smoke in your own home and you're obviously very aware and considerate about it. However, if your DCs friend's parents don't like it and choose not to send their kids around then that's their right too.

fernie3 · 16/10/2009 10:15

I admit I have never worried about my children seeing anyone smoke - they will see his at some point anyway. As I said before it is the smoke (and nancybotwin is right all smokers houses do smell of smoke even if they smoke outside).

It depends on the child and the parents I would prefer if you didnt smoke while my children were there and i would really prefer it if you didnt have a glass of wine. I never drink and I really hope that anyone in charge of my children wouldnt either, but that my own hang up having grown up in a heavily drinking house. I just couldnt handle that though my children wouldnt be going back.

Tombliboobs · 16/10/2009 10:15

I agree with pjmama.

nellynaemates · 16/10/2009 10:17

Of course you should smoke (outside) if you want to. I'd explain to the parent you mentioned that you always smoke outside, as her son may not have made that clear and she's maybe thinking you're smoking inside.

I think it would be an awfully precious parent who had a problem with you smoking outside.

As for the person who said even their friends who smoke outside have houses that smell like smoke, well I would venture that they don't always smoke outside because if they did it wouldn't smell.

southeastastra · 16/10/2009 10:19

this is one of the reasons i quit. it drove me mad thinking what other people thought of me seriously helped me stop

katiestar · 16/10/2009 10:20

Wouldn't bother me in the slightestn

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2009 10:22

It's entierely up to you, but I have to say I would judge you for it and it would make me think twice about sending my kids. Soz me duck. Just can't stand smoking. And though you think you don't smell of it... well. Same as dogs innit?

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 10:27

I think it would bother me, supposed to wait 20 mins after each cig before being around children. I wouldn't want my DCs left unsupervised (they're only 2 and 4) or having to put up with the smell.

I would understand and appreciate that you were trying to be responsible in your smoking though. If I really loved and trusted you I suppose I'd still let DCs around for playdates for that reason. Would still feel uncomfortable about it though.

I'm surprised the other mums don't already know you smoke. If they are none smokers they should be able to smell it a mile off.

gorionine · 16/10/2009 10:40

By curiositykilled on Fri 16-Oct-09 10:27:17 ""supposed to wait 20 mins after each cig before being around children."" really? who advises that I have never heard it.

123andaway · 16/10/2009 10:45

It wouldn't bother me, and I hate smoking and have an asthmatic child. So long as you were smoking outside and not in front of my kids, I wouldn't be bothered at all.

Don't kid yourself about the 'smoking cardi' though - sorry but you will still smell!

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2009 10:46

It'll be in your hair. Yuck.

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