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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to smoke when the DCs have playdates at our house?

82 replies

BigMomma3 · 16/10/2009 09:55

What I mean is AIBU to smoke outside when the DCs have friends over for playdates! I do get really worried some times at what other parents will think of me cos I smoke . I NEVER smoke in the house - always in the garden, if raining I stand under an umbrella and I have my special 'smoking cardi' which comes down to my knees and stops my clothes smelling of smoke! I also wash my hands straight after and eat lots of mints. As you can see I am a bit anal about it myself all because of the guilt of being a smoking mother .

Would you have a problem with your DC coming to have tea at the house of a smoker as described above!! I can go for an hour or so without one but normally kids stay for at least 3 hours. Am a bit worried as I am sure one little boy told his mum that he saw me smoking and now she's a bit off with me. I would love to stop but have things going on in my life that mean I can't at the moment (will be meeting my father who I have not seen for 30 years this weekend!) and I am teetotal so smoking seems the lesser of two evils .

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 16/10/2009 11:51

I'd be ok with it if you did it outside with the door CLOSED! My fil smokes outside and leaves the door open, he might as well just smoke in the same room as us .

It's difficult because as a smoker he thinks it doesn't smell much if he's done it outside but it stinks and I can actually pinpoint the moment when the smoke hits my nose as it drifts in. I have to move in to the front room as am pg and don't want to breathe it in.

Bascially, if you smoke you will smell very smokey after a fag even if you have worn a special cloak, washed hands and eaten a whole packet of mints, it's just the way it is. Something I was surprised by when I gave up smoking, something to consider.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 16/10/2009 11:55

see the thing is, would most people prevent their kids coming round to your house? no.

would they prefer you didn't smoke for the duration? probably yes.

ImMissWorld · 16/10/2009 11:55

PuppyMonkey - it is mad because you can't control what other people do in their own houses/gardens. If you trust the OP to care for your child (ie return them to you safe and well) then you just have to leave it up to her for what she does in the interim.

If she was smoking inside over the children then it would be reasonable to at least inform the parents that she intended to do that so they could make a decision or not to let their child into a smoky atmosphere.

But the worst things that anyone has come up with so far are:

  • the children will be on their own for a few minutes
  • her breath/hair/clothes will smell
  • the children will see an adult smoking

Er and that's it!

Personally I don't think any of the kiddies there will be taking the blindest bit of notice of what the OP is up to because they'll be too busy enjoying themselves and enjoying her hospitality. Their own parents probably enjoying a few hours of peace and quiet as well.

The only one who isn't is the poor OP who is worried that people will judge her because she wants a fag!

AitchTwoToTangOh · 16/10/2009 11:57
  • the children will be on their own for a few minutes
  • her breath/hair/clothes will smell
  • the children will see an adult smoking

actually, when you list them like that... i think it looks worse tbh.

ImMissWorld · 16/10/2009 12:02

How on earth does that look worse?

The OP has children into her house in her free time to play with their friends (her DCs). She's providing food and drink, warmth and entertainment. Her own needs (if you count having a fag as a need) are by-passed so the children aren't affected.

I love children and want only the best for them but I am that anyone could think the OP wasn't doing that under the circumstances (the circumstances obviously being that she's a smoker).

The only solution would be that judgey parents don't let their children go to the OP's house and it's their kids who then miss out. Seems pretty sad to me for the sake of the OP having stinky breath for a few mins.

Oh and should clarify I am not a smoker but did used to be.

dickiethepunchlinedonkey · 16/10/2009 12:06

Can i cadge a fag off you?
Then after that I will say yanbu. But not before I have fallen over with a massive headrush.
I wouldn't have a problem with it- as long as playdates can be trusted to be left unattended for that time. I got out of the smoking game just after the ban, but I get the feeling now that smoking is not just seen as unhealthy, but that the anti-social 'poo you smell' bit is much more highlighted now.
It is true what posters have said- smokers do smell very bad indeed. But i love to passive smoke so i will come out with you and hold your umbrella.
How's that?

AitchTwoToTangOh · 16/10/2009 12:06

or the OP could.... da da DAHHH... NOT have a fag for the duration of the visit? i know, it's outrageous, what was i thinking?

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 12:08

I think it looks bad because really the only benefit to doing it is that the smoker doesn't have to wait for a cigarette.

People will judge a smoker but it is strange to trust someone with your children and then be annoyed about their smoking habits. Surely if you didn't smoke yourself you'd know whether someone else smoked straight away and if you decided to let them look after your children you have trust their choices about where and when to smoke no matter what your feelings are.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 16/10/2009 12:13

If you can't last for 3 hours without something like a cigarette, you have a serious problem.

RockinSockBunnies · 16/10/2009 12:14

Wouldn't bother me. I don't smoke, can't stand it when people drop their cigarette butts all over the street, but think that someone should be able to have a quick cigarette outside of their own home without having to worry too much.

Then again, wouldn't worry me if another mother had a glass of wine when looking after DD.

DD is 8 though, so able to look after herself fairly well. Maybe if you had to leave a baby or toddler, then could be an issue.

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2009 12:15

I know I can't control what others do in their own house. I can judge people for what they do in their own house though! They can go down in my estimation cos of it.

Mad me!

ImMissWorld · 16/10/2009 12:18

Why should she not have a fag if she wants one?

It's her house - she just happens to be giving space to some of her DC's friends to play. They are not playing with her, I doubt they're even taking any notice of her at all apart from to say "thank you BM3" when she serves up their grub.

I accept you don't agree and probably never will but for me this would be like banning my child from going to a friend's because they drink orange squash just because I don't like it and don't think it's good for them. It would be ridiculous and futile. One drink of squash won't do any harm and neither will smelling the OP's breath.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 16/10/2009 12:18

It wouldn't bother me as such but if my child asked me about it I would tell them that it is a disgusting habit and the people who do it are addicts who are very likely to die of a nasty disease/illness. Which, no doubt, they would repeat to your child. [shrug]

francaghostohollywood · 16/10/2009 12:24

No, it wouldn't bother me.

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2009 12:25

Drinking orange squash? Depends if it was Fruit Shoots!

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 12:30

Why should someone not let other people's 4 year olds watch pirates of the caribbean? Why should someone not have a couple of glasses of wine whist caring for other people's children?

That's rather a lame point. I think if you look after other people's children you have a responsibility to try and provide an optimum level of care and respect other parent's parenting choices as much as you can. Just as if you are letting someone care for your children you should know and trust them and accept their responsible choices OR set rules about certain issues you feel strongly about before you hand the children over.

Jux · 16/10/2009 12:31

I have a friend like this. If the kids are around when she comes in, or if they see her, she will make a point of telling them that it's a vile and horrible thing to do and wishes she'd never started as it's so difficult to stop and how expensive it is and what a waste of money etc.

I think if you were to impress on them the negatives of smoking (and they all get them at school anyway) that simply seeing you smoking is not a problem at all.

curiositykilled · 16/10/2009 13:33

I'm not sure it does! Children are naturally inquisitive, they want to know WHY? Why would someone smoke even though it is horrible? The logical assumption is that there's something fantastic about smoking that outweighs all those bad things.

juicy12 · 16/10/2009 13:38

Seriously, you can't go for more than an hour without smoking??! I'm an ex-smoker and even I think that's a bit . And, bottom line is, if you smoke, you do smell, no matter how much you wash your hands/eat mints/do it outside. The thing that would worry me most is that if you're getting twitchy for a fag after an hour and really can't wait, then you might not have your mind totally on the kids.

ImMissWorld · 16/10/2009 13:48

juicy12 = that makes no sense at all. At whay point is it acceptable for her to start wanting a cig? 1.5 hrs, 3 hrs, 1 day??

Yes darling, you can go round and play with BigMomma's children but make sure you are back here in 2 hours and 56 minutes because after that BigMomma will be going crazy for a nicotine fix and anything could happen.

gorionine · 16/10/2009 13:52

curiositykilled, nor me or DH do smoke, but some family members do and yes the children have asked questions, ansd yes, they also went for the "but if they know it is bad why do they not stop?"line. We explained to them that usually people do not thing bad things (desease) will happen to them and when they actuallty do realise that it does affect their health, their body is actually used to the chemicals in cigarettes which makes it sometimes difficult for them to stop even if they want to. We have also reenforced the idea that it is better NOT to start smoking at all for that very reason. They have perfectly understood the message. They do sometimes express concerns about said family members (what if they get poorly/die) but have no attraction to try for themselves even after seing people doing so.

juicy12 · 16/10/2009 14:07

ImMissWorld - the point is, if you read the post, without diving in headfirst to take the p*ss, that it's a pretty sad state of affairs if the OP can't last longer than an hour. Presumably she doesn't wake herself up every hour overnight to smoke? So, probably, she can physically do without the nicotine boost for longer than an hour. But psychologically, she thinks she can't go for more than an hour or so.

sarah293 · 16/10/2009 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BigMomma3 · 16/10/2009 15:01

OK then will crouch behind bins this afternoon then so I can't be seen!! Of course I could go an hour without smoking if I wanted to - I usually don't have my first fag of the day until the afternoon anyway (I just had my first one today) but when I have collected the kids from school I like to have a few to chill out after running around all day .

I just would like to ask those of you who would not allow your DCs around a smokers house (even if they are smoking outside on the patio with the conservatory between them and the rest of the house)if you not have a problem with your DCs going around people's houses who use loads of air freshner or those awlful plug in things?? I actually think that is more offensive than the small amount of toxins that may pass my lips (would never get in someone's face when I have just smoked anyway). I know my house does not smell as my stepdad (who is forever lecturing me that I am going to die) would not step foot in my house if it smelled and he says it does'nt so that's good enough for me!! I probably do stink but people have told me before that they had no idea I smoked-must hide it well .

OP posts:
Original poster
BigMomma3 · 16/10/2009 15:03

Oh and DCs are all Yr3 and up and I can certainly hear them from outside!

OP posts: