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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask friend, who came from abroad to visit new baby & family, to leave?

473 replies

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 11:48

This is my first AIBU, please be gentle with me. i really am in a dilemma about this and willing to consider all viewpoints. she in in house with me now, so typing fast. apols in advance for typos and poss having to 'reveal by stealth'. tia

friend came last week to visit me, newborn and family. after two days she states that she came on open ticket and had come to 'help'. however, as my cousin is living with and helping me, my friend has decided to get a job until christmas, before flying back home.

so, yesterday, she enquired in the local shopping centre and updated her cv. this has MY address and phone number on. she didnt ask in advance and i was too chicken to say anything at the time. im worried this is the thin end of the wedge and that she will need bank account, NI number etc in my address.

the overall situation is far from ideal. she is sleeping on the settee, has a bag in the hallway and another in my bedroom. there are a total of 7 people now living in my 3 bedroom home. no mention has been made,by me or her, about this arrangement. am usually mindful to use appliances at night, when its cheaper. she puts on heating, washing machine, tumble drier without a second thought and its starting to rile me. she also involves with managing children, to which i have commented, but i dont want her to feel gauche and unwelcome. i feel bad typing this post and maybe shouldnt say anything? i have 3 week old, is it my hormones and aibu?

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 07/10/2009 20:14

I know I am late back to this but WELL DONE (resounding cheer from my and my lot)now if she isn't out on Friday give me your phone number and I will tell her to F off for you. So much easier coming from someone she doesn't know!!!!!!!!!!!

8oreighty · 07/10/2009 20:28

Congratulations for staying so calm. Cannot believe you didn't totally lose it with her, I would have been in an utter state, definitely in tears, and probably would have had a raging scream fest. Good for you, you handled it really well...do not feel bad no matter what she says.

scattykatty · 07/10/2009 20:44

She needs to work to get a ticket home has she ever heard of easyjet! My God she can get one for £20! All she needs to do is work for half a day and she can get a ticket and a snack on the flight!

She is SPONGER!

pigletmania · 07/10/2009 21:02

Well done RenderedSpeechless she sounds very rude and inconsiderate. Sorry i have nothing to add as everyone else has said everything that i was going to say. An open ticket wonder what her ultier motive was then! Sounds like she is making the excuse that she is helping you, but really freeloading. You did the right thing, and if you have lost her friendship over this, she does not sound much of a friend and you are better off without her.

artlesschaos · 07/10/2009 21:24

You have been a saint so far for putting up with this. Tell her as tactfully as possible that she needs to leave ASAP. Cheeky cow.

MamaGoblin · 07/10/2009 21:34

Well done for being firm! She sounds like she's just drifting about, seeing where she can get free B&B and with no serious focus in mind. Which is pretty sad for 32...

I did wonder initially if she was also a relative, not just a friend, because there is a far bigger emphasis on extended family members helping out with newborn babies in southern Europe than there is here. My father's Portuguese, and when I was born, my poor mother had to suffer an invasion, for several weeks, from her PIL and my dad's cousin. They even took over my parent's bedroom! My dad just told her it was what happened, your PIL came round to interfere help with the new baby, and that my mother would cause a massive family rift if she kicked them out. She ended up pulling a mattress into my room and basically lived in there for a few weeks, breastfeeding me and crying, she says.

I hope her move out goes well and you get your space back soon!

pigletmania · 07/10/2009 22:22

mammagoblin sounds like my ILs who are Maltese, were two months with us 'helping' with the new baby, definitely a European thing.

zazen · 07/10/2009 22:54

Well done!
It's difficult sometimes with friends when their boundaries are all over the place and they have an agenda. I'm glad you got it sorted out, and congratulations on your new addition to your family.

See if you can get your guest to make a tiramisu for you before she leaves, as a gift I think you deserve at least that!

(As an aside....I'm really amazed at the level of ignorance about the free movement of people around the European Union, and the freedom to work - for a while there I was thinking I was reading the rantings of the Daily Mail.

Are you all xenophobic immigrant haters / Euro Skeptics? seriously, I'm curious...

and would you really really call the police to dob in a friend if they were from outside the jurisdiction? Really?
Or were you just getting all worked up on behalf of the OP to egg her on to get rid of unwanted guest, by suggesting quite (IMHO) outrageous behaviour so she would choose a more reasonable approach? )

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2009 15:21

zazen, I just wondered if it was legal for her to work in the UK, wasn't aware of DM-style rantings

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2009 15:23

and yes, if it was going to cost me £10,000 I'd tell her to stop it, then if she didn't I'd consider reporting her as she obviously wouldn't care about me.
But that' not relevant to the OP, thankfully

WriggleJiggle · 08/10/2009 15:37

You could leave set skyscanner as the home page, just to help her along.

Actually, if you can book a flight very cheaply it might be worth doing so. Would be a small price to pay for piece of mind.

DO NOT TAKE HER TO THE AIRPORT!

WriggleJiggle · 08/10/2009 15:38

Actually, could you get your brother to take her to the airport, he sounds as though he would be firm enough to get her there on time and onto the plane.

Jacksmamwahahaha · 08/10/2009 15:52

Marking my place to see if she really does leave Fri - cheeky cow!!
I lurked yesterday but had nothing helpful to post that hadn't been said. Well done you for standing up to her.

Ladyanonymous · 08/10/2009 16:05

Free holiday for you in Italy when your Frenemy has her 1st baby

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 08/10/2009 18:33

Evening ladies. have only just logged on, briefly. been out all day, with said friend. she is now asking if she can stay till monday, to follow up a possible lead re job locally. i said there are good transport links from my brother's house so that shouldnt be a problem for her to get ther on monday.

however,

been calling and texting my brother ALL DAY. he is not picking up or replying to my texts. men!

i have decided to look up flights for her, just in case she cant stay at my brothers or find any alternative. im holding firm, but friday is soooon.

will post later, while you all place your bets whether she'll be gone by midnight tomorrow!

oh yes, as an aside, im holding my resolve because she spent over ONE HOUR talking to DP last night (after i said id gone to bed, but i ended up actually standing on the landing listening and rocking the baby). showing him her dvd of her skydiving in australia and basically chit-chatting till gone 11PM. i so know there was no ulterior motive and she just wasnt thinking; this woman knows nothing of boundaries, it seems.

OP posts:
MaLopez · 08/10/2009 18:36

Have been following this thread with interest. Friday it is. No Shaking

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 08/10/2009 18:40

Hold your nerve. She sounds so selfish....

seeyounexttuesday · 08/10/2009 18:43

marking my spot for fridays outcome.

pigletmania · 08/10/2009 18:43

she does, just stand your guard if you say yes then she will extend it further and further, say no and thats that.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 08/10/2009 18:47

If you want us to come round and sling her out on her ear help her with her bags, you only have to say the word...

Oh, while we're all waiting, what is the marking space thingy, how does that work? Sorry if i'm being thick, may have been registered for ages, but not used Mn till now...

skinsl · 08/10/2009 19:00

no,no, no!!!
you can't camp out at someone's house when they have just had a baby.
Completely agree with ConFuschias.
A real friend will understand that this is not the right time for her to be there. how good a friend is she?!!

Jacksmamwahahaha · 08/10/2009 19:46

As far as I know, "marking your place" means you post on a thread so you can find it on your "Threads I'm On" because you want to know the outcome, even if you have nothing immediately helpful to add.

seeyounexttuesday · 08/10/2009 20:00

jacksmam is right. it just gets you onto the thread so you can follow it via 'threads i'm on' . basically we are all nosey bastards, who enjoy a bit of rubbernecking

helpYOUiWILL · 08/10/2009 20:06

she will lay it on thick BIG STYLE about leaving. Bet she hasnt got a plan and is hoping u will back down. But if u do she will never leave as it will alawys be "just a couple more days..."

snapple · 08/10/2009 20:23

Unbelievable - you have a 3 week old baby, I hope you get to enjoy your baby without the squatter tomorrow.