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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask friend, who came from abroad to visit new baby & family, to leave?

473 replies

RenderedSpeechless · 07/10/2009 11:48

This is my first AIBU, please be gentle with me. i really am in a dilemma about this and willing to consider all viewpoints. she in in house with me now, so typing fast. apols in advance for typos and poss having to 'reveal by stealth'. tia

friend came last week to visit me, newborn and family. after two days she states that she came on open ticket and had come to 'help'. however, as my cousin is living with and helping me, my friend has decided to get a job until christmas, before flying back home.

so, yesterday, she enquired in the local shopping centre and updated her cv. this has MY address and phone number on. she didnt ask in advance and i was too chicken to say anything at the time. im worried this is the thin end of the wedge and that she will need bank account, NI number etc in my address.

the overall situation is far from ideal. she is sleeping on the settee, has a bag in the hallway and another in my bedroom. there are a total of 7 people now living in my 3 bedroom home. no mention has been made,by me or her, about this arrangement. am usually mindful to use appliances at night, when its cheaper. she puts on heating, washing machine, tumble drier without a second thought and its starting to rile me. she also involves with managing children, to which i have commented, but i dont want her to feel gauche and unwelcome. i feel bad typing this post and maybe shouldnt say anything? i have 3 week old, is it my hormones and aibu?

OP posts:
harperlady · 09/10/2009 10:11

Hi there,

Have been lurking for a wee while and haven't posted before - but this thread made me shake my fists and stamp my feet on your behalf! So just thought I'd post some extra support for you for getting her away tonight.

She seems like she's one of those emotionally manipulative types with the crying and the ostentatiously removing food - for goodness sake, she seems a bit clueless about how to be a friend.

Perhaps you could suggest that the best way she could help you would be to put you all up for a wee family holiday in Italy sometime? After all - you'll need to get away for a bit of a break soon, what with all the visitors you've been looking after...!

BrokenBananaTantrum · 09/10/2009 10:18

Good luck today.

She is welcome here on her grand tour of the UK but she can only sleep on our soda in the living room. DH is usually up working in the living room until 2am and then DD likes to get up at 5:30am. Also the sofa is only tiny and we don't have any curtains at the window at the moment and we are in a terraced house so people walk directly past the window. I'm sure she would really happy here

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your familt and new baby. Get online and order loads of really nice food and drink to be delivered tomorrow morning so you can stay in and treat yourselves. You deserve it after all the shit difficulties you have had to put up with.

msrisotto · 09/10/2009 10:34

I couldn't believe it when i saw she said it wouldn't be worth her renting anywhere because she'd have to pay her own bills!! WTF?!! Get some steel capped footwear and boot her out!

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch · 09/10/2009 10:35

Ooh she can come here; it be reet grim oop North, I don't have the heating on yet and it's getting rather nippy. We all bundle up and I get very angry with anyone who turns on/up my heating without express permission.

I'm also rather territorial about my bathroom, she would be allotted half an hour at 10pm. She can sleep in with ds2, and can deal with him jumping on her in the morning and change his sheets if he wets the bed.

Of course she'll be obliged to pay for takeouts for the family or cook (food she buys) in recognition of the imposition of having her staying

at her packing up her food! Cheeky mare. I would take her a bill for everything she's had of yours with the comment, "I knocked off a tenner since we ate some of yours, fairs fair."

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch · 09/10/2009 10:36

"fair's fair" d'oh.

lisianthus · 09/10/2009 10:37

Yes- best wishes for tonight. Seriously, ring your brother at 9.30 and if he's not on his way over, just say brightly "that's OK, DH will just drop her over now." Don't let DB wiggle out of it.

"she knows my family and they welcomed her in a heartbeat." No they didn't! They instructed YOU to welcome her. Damn cheek - some support you are getting from your family.

And WTF re packing up the vegetables. Good grief. How petty and spiteful, never mind that she owes you at least a token present for putting up with her and paying for her all this time.

FuckwitsAllofthem · 09/10/2009 11:11

Have just read this and would most definately like to add that you are doing the right thing!

She sound like just the sort of person you DON'T want to have around post-birth and with other littlies. Love the suggestion that if your DB tries to fob you off then just say in jolly tones that it's ok and your DH will drop her over asap. Or if you really want to make sure he doesn't wriggle out of having her get your dh to drop her over at his about 9.30pm!

May the force be with you.

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 09/10/2009 12:02

Morning! ive just got out of bed to a hearty fry-up thoughtfully made by my cousin. La Dolce Vita has not long got out of the bath. (How dirty can she be?) All the offers from Mumsnetters around the UK to put her up has had me in stitches.

To be fair, im sure its not quite as bad as im making out, but its just that every little thing she does is really irritiating me at the moment.

To also clarify about my family, they really did welcome her in a heartbeat. Ive known my friend for years, during which time she has stayed at my brother's, sister's (x2) and been on short breaks with us as well. Similarly, we have been to stay at her's in Italy.

My brother is really sweet to take this on; he is in a position to as he doesnt have children and has a 4 bedroom house (him and wife only). My sister has 2 children and in a blinkard way, sees it like this: "your friend is here for you, to help you. dont be mean and ungrateful." I havent told my friend that my brother has agreed to her staying a week. i just said a few days, to galvanise her to get a wriggle on and make a decision quickly.

yes, i feel bad for her as she's doing what she's always done. but she is a single woman, lives with her parents and thinking according to her circumstances. its only now that i have children that things have changed - for me, and that means my relationship with her is different. she's put out because her 'plan' was to come here, do stuff together, catch up, me help her with her CV adn other admin stuff, her help me with children. when i explained that it was HER plan, without consultation with ME and that she is obviously further down in my priorities than before, she looked crushed. that's why i say she doesnt 'get it'. the penny seems to be dropping now, slowly, and i really do believe that she just under-thought this one out. she's not a bad person and i sincerely hope that my friendship with her will survive this blip.

thanks for MN for your continuing support, and i should admit that i posted this thread to garner the opinions of what is akin to a collective of objective opinions. i am really gratelful for all the comments that have been made. in doing so, i guess i have grown a pair (of albeit small ones). i dont like knowing that my words or actions made her feel bad, but like i said, i cant take that on now; im focussing on my family. though she feels bad, for now, i also know that my actions (prompted and supported by MNers) do not make me a bad person.

Im off again now, to snuggle up with DD. having her laying on my chest while she sleeps is really the best feeling in the world right now. so im going to enjoy it, eat more chocolates and rest up before watching loose women and have a nap before the children come home from school. Aaaaahhh!

OP posts:
madusa · 09/10/2009 12:58

good luck for tonight....I hope it all works out for you

StealthPolarBear · 09/10/2009 13:01

what a lovely post
When's she off then? Hope you can continue your friendship, sounding hopeful from your post

YouKnowHumanBonesCrunch · 09/10/2009 15:26

Ooh ooh! Has she packed?! Is she ready to go? Have you saved yourself some celebratory chocolate?

Hmm...

ME? Easily distracted?!

StealthPolarBear · 09/10/2009 17:57

OP come back!!
Not sure either but I always think of huge butchers' hooks for some reason

justaboutautumn · 09/10/2009 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 18:34

Has she gone?

Kayzr · 09/10/2009 19:14

Was just about to post that too FAB!

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 09/10/2009 19:35

oops! hi. not yet. she's here at the dining table behind me, playing with DD-she's not said more than 10 words to me all day.

while we are waiting, maybe someone can unravel a cryptic message i received from brother this afternoon? it says: "A.d." that's it! i sent reply saying, "sorry, dont understand" but have not heard back. any suggestions?

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 19:54

All done?

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 09/10/2009 20:00

nope, still here.

have put wine back into fridge-was getting too warm!

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:10

I meant all done for the text..

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 09/10/2009 20:15

oh, im so slow! never seem that abbreviation before.

OP posts:
randomeuro · 09/10/2009 20:22

Read this and am as shocked as everyone. Am further shocked that La Dolce Vita is still with you! Can you not call a cab for her to take her to your brothers house, tell her cab will be here in 30 mins then text your bro to tell him that she is incoming?

moondog · 09/10/2009 20:26

What an incredibly compulsive thread (and what a bloody lunatic).

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:27

I am not saying it is all done, just an idea.

You do realise she is not going tonight, don't you?

JodieO · 09/10/2009 20:30

Why hasn't she gone yet? Just get rid of her, it isn't up to you to house her, especially when you have a tiny newborn. The last thing I'd want is someone hanging about not even helping.

Original poster
RenderedSpeechless · 09/10/2009 20:36

FAB i realise its a suggestion - im just remaining optimistic.

what do you mean 'she's not going tonight?' . she bloody well is you know! my dp is going out in the next hour or so, if i havent heard from db by then i will get dp to drop her off at my brother's house - I HAVE A KEY! it'll be my worst nightmare if she's still here tomorrow (slight exaggeration, i know) and we seem like all the support and progress thus far will be 'two steps forward and ten steps back'. she goes tonight i tell ye!

OP posts: