in thinking this is tmi for a two-year-old?

[Annya]

My friend is a month away from giving birth to her second baby. She told me the other day she had told her elder daughter - two and a half - that when the new baby was born, mummy was going to push it out from her tummy between her legs, a bit like a big poo! And when she asked the little girl where it was going to come out, the dd grabbed her own crotch (not in a vulgar way, just demonstrating she knew where). Does this seem a bit ott in terms of information? Or maybe I am being a bit prudish. I know its none of my business but I am just intrigued to see what people think?

I think it's fine and have told DS how his baby sister's are getting out (though they are going to be CS, same as him, so has had it's own set of additional questions!). The most embaressing I've had so far was on the preschool run, standing at the door after the 'how did they get in there' conversation at breakfast: "but how did Daddy's seed get to your egg Mummy?". Nothing like a bit of pressure from other mums to get that one right!

I think it's fine. Although agree with others that I am not sure I would have used the exact words of "big poo" - but general gist is spot on.

By making up stories or deliberately refusing to answer you are only storing up trouble for having to do a big "reveal" one day at an age when they will be far more shockable, or, more likely, getting a garbled version of the real story from a little friend at nursery.

Better to tell them the truth in your own words the way you want them to hear it.

I remember when my DS1 asked me how DS2 had got out of my tummy.

I'd had a vaginal birth, but he caught me when I was distracted in the kitchen of my parents' house, and so I lied and said that the doctors had made a little cut in my tummy and got DS2 out. (The reason I lied, is that my dad was a bit squeamish about any sort of "sex" talk, and he was sat there drinking a cup of tea!)

Anyway, DS1 then said, "Well then you must have a scar then mummy, can I see it?"

I backtracked and said something along the lines of..."mummy's have a special place where babies come out of."

DS1: "Can I see that then mummy?"

Me: "Not in your lifetime son, not on your nelly"

YABU

My two older DDs have seen me have two babies now. Far better that they learn how normal and beautiful birth is while they're young than that they get all their education from soaps when they're older!

What makes you think it's TMI?

I also wouldn't have said 'big poo' btw.

My dd knew at 18 months old (when I was 7 months pg with DC2) that she came out of mummy's belly through mummy's vagina. When two months later I had ds by CS she saw the scar and I explained that mummy's vagina was poorly (which is true) and that's why the doctor opened mummy's belly, got ds out from there and then stithced it up again. But that in most cases babies do come out through their mummy's vagina.

If you explain these things to cildren matter-of-factly they understand and accept them. I don't see why I whould lie and confuse them

Apart from the mention of poo, I can't see the problem. If she'd told her it hurts or mentioned all the other potential difficulties a birth might pose I'd have a problem as it could scare her daughter, but simple factual info's okay surely.

I think it IS tmi..I can't quite believe that a 2 yr old wd ask enough questions or be that curious to have so much detail just given 2 them. If you tell a 2 yr old there's a baby in yr tummy they dont think abt how it comes out! It doesn't even cross their mind because they don't link things together at that age. It is because it is-that's their developmental stage..why so much so soon? Its not so much does it matter if the child knows but more why are you telling them? I have a 6 yr old dd and she is very curious abt bodies and that babies grow in yr tummy and we have had little chats-she says 'did I grow in there? pointing at my tummy and I say 'yes'. I don't say anything else and I will wait until prompted by her, I believe when kids want to know they will ask. Innocence is such a beautiful thing-let them have it!

Back home now.
I suppose I just never thought an explanation of exactly how the baby would come out would be necessary for a two year old. Obviously if they ask how is it going to come out, then they have to be told the truth - in as nice as way as possible - but, perhaps naively, I would have thought you could get away with "and then the baby came out of mummy's tummy and here she is!"

I was not suggesting that a stork type story was the way to go, either.

I take the point about a home birth, esp if there's a chance the older child may be in the house while it's happening.

I think she also refers to her vagina as a bottom - in the way a lot of people do with little girls - so I think it could all get a bit confusing and frightening.

"Innocence is such a beautiful thing-let them have it!"

What - and a baby being born isn't a beautiful thing? I don't think there's anything shameful about birth, or anything beautiful about hiding the truth about our bodies.

And sorry, lots of 2 year olds DO ask the question, but even if they don't, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling them, any more than there's something wrong with telling them about how chicks hatch out of eggs or tadpoles grow into frogs.

BTW I would be highly surprised if your 6 year old hasn't already heard from a friend at school.

If it's frightening, then far better she hears it from and with her mother where she can express and deal with her fears right then rather than from friends at school or soaps on tv. And the more something is talked about, the less scary it will be.

re c-section - 2 of mine were born this way. They've seen the scr. They joke that ds2 & 3 came out the door, while ds1 & dd came out the sun roof.

Always been upfront and said almost exactly the same as your friend (apart from the big poo bit). That kept them going through 2 siblings until they were 9 & had to explain how the seed got to the egg in the first place. I think "No way" followed by shrieks, actually very similar to Bart Simpsons, if anyone's seen that episode

What - and a baby being born isn't a beautiful thing? Probably not to a two-year-old, worried about why mummy's crying, cursing and bleeding. I think it's probably only a beautiful thing once you understand.

IMO ignorance is ALWAYS more frightening than knowledge.

The only people I know who were scared by periods/childbirth etc as kids, were ones who'd had weird or incomplete information handed to them, and had to fill in the gaps out of their own imagination and playground stories.

The truth, presented in a matter-of-fact way, is rarely as frightening for children as hazy imaginings.

"What - and a baby being born isn't a beautiful thing? Probably not to a two-year-old, worried about why mummy's crying, cursing and bleeding. I think it's probably only a beautiful thing once you understand."

Er, there's a pretty big gap between telling a child that a baby comes out from between your legs and "mummy crying, cursing and bleeding". You are projecting your own feelings about childbirth onto this - a child has no way of knowing that any of the above is involved.

theyoungvisitor - i agree completely. hence teenage pregnancies etc in countries which are too prudish to talk about sex. But I think I was surprised that she felt the need to tell her daughter this, without her daughter having asked. I think I would wait til I was asked and let the child deal with things at their own pace.

The two year old is probably just going along with the explanation to keep the parents happy..

She's probably really thinking: "Yeah, like I believe that. Pull the other one matey."

but can't you see there's nothing weird or scary about this to a child?

Would you be saying "oh my friend told her daughter that chicks hatch out of eggs - ooer, is this too much information, think of all the yolk and mess involved."

No, of course not. And there's no difference in explaining how a human baby comes, provided it's communicated with a bit of common sense.

cross post the youngvisitor.
I am just saying altho birth is a wonderful experience, I imagine most kids would be terrified to witness it. I am not advocating witholding the truth, I am just questioning whether telling a two-year-old that their sister is going to be pushed out of mummy's bottom; like a big poo is the way to go.

Personally i wouldnt have said anything, unless asked. Although if asked, would be as truthful as possible, adapted for 2 year old understanding. I should imagine relating baby to big poo, isnt very helpful. But the rest seems fine, providing the little girl asked.

At 2, i think mine would have been quite happy with mummy is going to hospital to have the baby. They were much older before they started asking 'how does the baby get out'

well yes, I expect some children would be scared to witness a birth (although according to homebirth midwives, actually many are not phased at all).

But that's not what your OP was about. You were asking about conveying the bare facts. Had you asked whether it was appropriate for your friend to let her daughter witness the birth, then I'm sure you would have got a different set of responses.

claw3 - yes. I am pretty sure she did not ask. She can not talk very well at all, altho I suppose she could have communicated her interest in how the baby was gonna come out.

This is not about watching a birth, don't know how that got added in!

For starters this kid is 2 1/2, a great way developmentally from a 2 year old. Secondly, my 18 month old DID ask how her brother is going to come out and where SHE had come from etc. so I think it depends on the child and we shouldn't make assumptions about other children based on ours. They're different, therefore will be curious/interested in different things at different ages.

If the child the OP is talking about asked, then the truth was told and that was good. And they DO undrestand btw, let's not underestimate toddlers

My 2.5yr old asks A LOT of questions about birth since SIL got pg. Where babies come out, how they got there, why she came out of my tummy (cs), how babies eat before they're born. I am nothing but honest and offer basic information. She knows a baby comes out of your vagina, that you stretch to let it out (following a "that can't be right, a baby is big, a vagina is small" comment), some babies can't come out that way and the doctors take them out another way. At no point have I mentioned blood, piles, screaming, swearing, ruptures or anything else.

Annya - What would you have said, if asked by a 2 and half year old?

"This is not about watching a birth, don't know how that got added in!"

Er, Annya, you added it in - I said that there was nothing frightening about the bare facts of birth and you said "I am just saying altho birth is a wonderful experience, I imagine most kids would be terrified to witness it."

No-one else had suggested that it was anything to do with letting kids watch a birth!