Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH's XP should have consulted us or at least him in whether or not his DD has the HPV vaccine.....

103 replies

boodleboot · 06/10/2009 17:53

.....she didn't.....she has IMO, a pretty laissez faire parenting style at the best of times {i'm being polite there people...} and has made this decision to let DSD have the jab without even metioning it to us or apparently questioning it herself.....DH and I are dead against this jab for my DD {who lives with us} and DH would have really liked the opportunity to have a say in this decision as feels the jab is just an unproven risk not worth taking at the moment and would have suggested waiting a couple of years to see how the side effects and statistics are bourne out by other peoples experience....

anyhoo....we only find out today she had the jab last week as i had seen a status update of hers on FB saying that she has passed out again at school. Apparently she has been passing out with dizziness and headaches since the day she had it intermittently and after googling it again apparently fainting is a side effect that can be pretty nasty and can last ages....DH's XP hadn't made the link between these faints and the jab so hasn't even taken her to docs yet.....AAAARRRGGGHH. ooh i am very cross you know....

OP posts:
paranoidandconfused · 06/10/2009 17:59

YANBU I would be absolutely fuming

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:02

Leaving aside her parenting abilities or alleged lack thereof, this is surely an issue between your DH and his exp, not you. I can understand you have your own opinion on the vaccine, but that is nothing to do with your dsd, its between her parents.

He is entitled to feel cross at not being consulted, but not you.

amtooyoungforthis · 06/10/2009 18:09

Firstly, not your place to feel agrieved. This is an issue for your DH, his ex and their daughter

Secondly, Isn't it the mostly the young girls decision? I'm sure they get asked and can refuse

If your DH's ex and daughter felt it was for the best, then I'm afraid it's up to them. It is her health after all

Two of mine have had it and one will be having it this year sometime. We had no side effects at all for any of the course of jabs

Hando · 06/10/2009 18:13

YABU. Am I right in thinking the vacine is given to "teenage" girls? If so then it was their daughters decision not theirs.

Your dh's ex may have given her all the information and allowed her (quite rightly) to decide for herself whether or not to have it.

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:17

An interesting point, do younger teenagers need parental consent from both parents for medical things, or is it just one? or none?

In practice, I know no one is going to ask, even when my ds had his jabs nobody asked me if his father agreed.

lljkk · 06/10/2009 18:19

Isn't the girl 'Gilet' or whatever, anyway, she is legally old enough to decide.

I hate to point this out, but for a lot of people (ppl who never go online, seemingly) vaccinations just aren't controversial events. I can imagine that the girl's mother didn't think there was anything to discuss, no more important than the colour of the socks she wore today or what should she eat for tea.

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 18:20

They can self allow in any case so, tbh, what you, he or his ex decide is meaningless. If dsd wants the jab she can have it. The same goes for your dd too so don't be too surprised if she makes her own decision on it too.

You may have opinions on this but you knew that it was coming up why didn't you just talk to her about your thoughts on the subject yourself? (especially if you have doubts about the parenting skills of the ex).

I would also take some time to think about why dsd did not want to chat it through with either yourself or her father... tbh i would be quite worried about that.

Hando · 06/10/2009 18:23

Boodleboot - I do hope your own dd researches it herself beyond your "googling it" and decides to have the vaccine overriding your decision for her not to have it. Obviously you will be giving her the option I assume.

Fainting is a side effect of many things btw.

whostolemyname · 06/10/2009 18:23

The vaccine has had so much publicity over the last year or so, i would have thought you husband would have raised the issue a long time ago if he didnt want her to have it. Why has he only raised the issue now?

HKT · 06/10/2009 18:23

My dc's all had their vaccinations, including MMR's when there was the big hype about them - I didn't even consider that my dh would object to them, just decided that mine would have them.
Maybe she had no idea that her XP would have a problem with it? - easily done IMO, and probably not done maliciously.

BiteOfFun · 06/10/2009 18:25

YABU

And teenage girls are very suggestible, so if you are getting hyserical about it, I predict the fainting fits will continue.

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:26

I agree, Lijkk, unless there is some medical reason against vaccinations (I have not ;had many because they were judged too high a risk for medical reasons - hope I don't come across any stray smallpox) most people just get on with it.

Obviously there are those who have strong opinions against the MMR, but one wonders was would happen if two parents with equal parental responsibility disagreed on whether to administer it...I'm just thinking that when it was time was ds to have jabs, I just did it, though I certainly told his dad, but it was just a question of courtesy really.

amtooyoungforthis · 06/10/2009 18:29

I don't think young people have to have parental consent for medical things at all.

If a teenager goes to the dr, he/she is not allowed to discuss with parent if parent is not in the consultation

WartoScreamo · 06/10/2009 18:30

I have to wonder if " laissez faire" equates to "not getting in a full on panic about every last thing".

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:30

Based on this discussion, I am changing my mind. If they can self-allow, then its not reasonable for your DH to be cross either.

Original poster
boodleboot · 06/10/2009 18:31

she is 12. She had it because her friends were having it.....

....of course i haven't expressed my personal anger about it to his XP or even my DH actually {thats what this thread is for ...} but i totally take the point that really it is none of my business.....but i love my DSD tho and don't think it outrageous to hope to play a role in having opinions about care and medical treatment etc.....

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:34

I guess I am just interested when they become "young people' legally, as parental consent is required surely for operations and suchlike on children?

Sawyer64 · 06/10/2009 18:34

Year 8 have to have Parental Consent.

16/17 yr olds sign for themselves.

FABIsInTraining · 06/10/2009 18:36

Has your dh taken his dd to the doctors yet?

Actually, you are her step mum so you are entitled to be pissed off, imo, but maybe not so entitled to say whether she has it done or not.

paranoidandconfused · 06/10/2009 18:37

oh sorry I thought it was your daughter and the stepmum had taken her for the jab YABU

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:37

boodle, its completely reasonable that you do have opinions, and you presumably do have influence if your dh agrees with those opinions.

But I have to say being entitled to opinions is different to wanting to be sitting at the table while things are decided...have to take a backseat there.

Firawla · 06/10/2009 18:40

YABU, if dh had a big issue with it he should have brought it up earlier. if he didnt then cant blame her mum for presuming there's no problem. Even if he did have a problem, does not mean she shouldn't get the vaccine because his is not the only input. Many people get all the recommended vaccines and dont see it as a big deal, prefering to just trust whats medically advised and offered

janeite · 06/10/2009 18:40

YABU - and tbh you really don't have a right to any sense of 'personal anger' over this: it's really nothing to do with you.

If the girl lives with her mother, it isn't really anything to do with her dad either imho. LOTS of girls will have this, almost ALL of them will be fine - you are being hysterical.

Sorry to be so blunt - but I really do think YUBVU.

amtooyoungforthis · 06/10/2009 18:40

We have to sign but they can decline it think, not sure if they could request it without parental involvement, they can get contraception without parental involvement and other things too

purpleduck · 06/10/2009 18:40

I am shocked that people think 12 is old enough to make a decision like this. Many adults are a bit confused by it - I would imagine most 12 year olds would not have the capacity to research, then make an informed choice.

Boodle - I think you are lovely to be worried for your dsd. Although it is not your decision, I still feel as a loving adult in her life - it is some of your business.