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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH's XP should have consulted us or at least him in whether or not his DD has the HPV vaccine.....

103 replies

boodleboot · 06/10/2009 17:53

.....she didn't.....she has IMO, a pretty laissez faire parenting style at the best of times {i'm being polite there people...} and has made this decision to let DSD have the jab without even metioning it to us or apparently questioning it herself.....DH and I are dead against this jab for my DD {who lives with us} and DH would have really liked the opportunity to have a say in this decision as feels the jab is just an unproven risk not worth taking at the moment and would have suggested waiting a couple of years to see how the side effects and statistics are bourne out by other peoples experience....

anyhoo....we only find out today she had the jab last week as i had seen a status update of hers on FB saying that she has passed out again at school. Apparently she has been passing out with dizziness and headaches since the day she had it intermittently and after googling it again apparently fainting is a side effect that can be pretty nasty and can last ages....DH's XP hadn't made the link between these faints and the jab so hasn't even taken her to docs yet.....AAAARRRGGGHH. ooh i am very cross you know....

OP posts:
MaggieBehave · 06/10/2009 18:41

It's HER daughter. You are not only being unreasonable but you've forgotten whose mother you are - and it's not hers.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 06/10/2009 18:42

Stay out of it.
You are clearly a loving stepparent but I think this is one time when it is none of your business.

Original poster
boodleboot · 06/10/2009 18:43

oh dear. have remembered why i don't usually bother with this topic very often.

thanks x

OP posts:
Sawyer64 · 06/10/2009 18:43

I'm sure she didn't just have it because her friends were having it.

Her mother and she probably discussed it,and as they both consented,it was done.

IMO although its reasonable to inform the other parent,if she and her mother wanted it done,I see no reason why a fathers view should interfere with that,if he isn't the major care giver etc.

Consent from 16 yr olds is legal,not younger for Operations etc.

The only difference to this is obtaining the Pill,if an under 16 yr old fully understands the implications etc.No consent needed then,or parent informed.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 06/10/2009 18:45

Is she something called 'Gillick competent'? If she understands the implication of what she is doing then pretty much able to give the consent.

Surfermum · 06/10/2009 18:46

I think it is something to do with her Dad. He's as entitled to have an opinion about whether she has it or not as her mum is. Whether she lives with her Dad or not is irrelevant. What would a couple who are together do? Discuss it and agree on what was going to happen. That shouldn't be any different if the parents live in separate houses.

teamcullen · 06/10/2009 18:48

I agree with HKT. Ive never asked DH what his opinion was when DD has the HPV last year. He never had an opinion on any of my DCs jabs, MMR included.

DD was in the first batch of girls to get the vaccine last year, and I didnt research further than the leaflet which was sent home and a few news reports that had been on in the run up to the programme. I dont see myself as a bad parent. I would rather trust the Department of Health than a crackpot report that might turn up on Google.

Insidentaly, my sister went through a period of fainting spells at that age, it was due to her periods beginning.

Sawyer64 · 06/10/2009 18:48

Not for HPV though,Consent form has to be signed.

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:48

h, c'mon boodle! You know this had red flags all over it! Vaccinations! Unreasonable ExPs! Stepmothers!

I think its been pretty civilised on the whole for AIBU, and on such topics.

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 18:50

Sufer, tbh I doubt most couples would. Some would but not most.

Whoever said it is only 16/17 who don't need a parent sig is wrong. THey ask for a parent sig but the letter makes it very clear that a parent who either does not sign or says no can be over-ridden by the child who will be asked on the day if they want it or not.

WartoScreamo · 06/10/2009 18:51

Actually with parental responsibilty I know both parents can agree to medical treatment but I have no idea what the rule is f one doesn't agree to it. What happens if you have a parent that say, doesn't agree with blood transfusions?

Original poster
boodleboot · 06/10/2009 18:52

actually when i think about it rationally i wonder how much notice i would take of my DD's father if he says that he wants our DD to have/not have the jab....

that said i do always listen to his opinion on things that are/could be considered slightly controversial and really believe it needs to be discussed BEFORE the event......he had no idea that the school had even sent home parental letters....

OP posts:
alwaysindoubt · 06/10/2009 18:52

I don't see why she should consult you. Him yes but why you?

alwaysindoubt · 06/10/2009 18:52

I don't see why she should consult you. Him yes but why you?

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:53

warto, that interests me too. I should imagine in that case the hospital would apply for child to be made ward of court or somesuch...

LaDiDaDi · 06/10/2009 18:54

Consent is legal if the child/young person is felt to be "Fraser competent", in practice this means able to understand the risks and benefits of the procedure/treatment, including what would happen if they did nothing, and is able to hold the information within their mind for long enough to be able to make an independent decision.

There is no one age at which at child will be competent to consent for all procedures/treatments, it depends upon the complexities of the information that they are required to deal with and, to some extent, some professionals would feel that it should also depend upon the implications of their decision to consent or not. A 10 year old could consent to a routine medical examination, a 15 year old may not be felt competent to refuse a heart transplant.

Original poster
boodleboot · 06/10/2009 18:54

when i say he i mean DH had no idea....

...and of course you are right MmeB but i always find it bizarre that some people get very opinionated about me having an opinion.....IYSWIM

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 18:55

I'm glad you mentioned that boodle, I was going to bring it up but...thought discretion the better part of valour.

Surfermum · 06/10/2009 18:55

Really? You reckon most wouldn't? I'm surprised, I would have thought most would - it would seem odd to me not to discuss something like that with dh.

If there's a disagreement over something like this it can be taken to Court for a judge to decide what's in the child's best interests.

LaDiDaDi · 06/10/2009 18:57

Only the consent of one part with parental responsibility is strictly needed if the child themselves is not competent, so if a child needs a blood transfusion and mum, say, agrees then it doesn't matter (from a legal perspective) if dad disagrees if the treating medics feel that the transfusion is in the best interests of the child.

Going to do bedtime now..

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 18:59

Sufer, IME most families have a main parent who taskes care of the decisions about these sort of things - the other parent tends to defer to them on child rearing issues, this is usually the proimary carer and the person who would have primary care in the event of a seperation. the primary decision maker would tend to discuss things they are not sure about but would, ultimately go with their own decision... In your case, if dh said ooh no to something you were thinking ooh yes to who would "win" (for want of a better word) in the end?

WRT the HPV I suspect they would just turn to the child for a decision, a heart transplant it would go to court... I guess it would be very particular to each situation (or at least I would hope so).

Surfermum · 06/10/2009 19:06

We're obviously at opposite ends of the spectrum then. I can't imagine any of the women I know not discussing something like this with their husbands. Or being the one who makes all the child-rearing decisions. We all just seem to muddle along bringing up our children as couples.

And if dh and I disagreed I guess we'd talk, research, talk some more and then decide. It certainly wouldn't be what I thought over-ruled what he thought or vice versa. I guess we could come to a stalemate and I don't know what would happen then.

MadameDefarge · 06/10/2009 19:11

As a single parent I have taken every decision about my ds, but am always careful to involve his dad in some kind of way. But I do know that if he disagreed with me he could whistle for it, quite frankly.

DailyMailNameChanger · 06/10/2009 19:11

That is what I mean surfermum, what happens in the event of a stalemate? Someone has to make the decision and it tends to be the primary carer or the one with the majority of contact (even when everyone lives in the same house there tends to be one parent whit more contact).

Sawyer64 · 06/10/2009 19:12

As a School Nurse we don't give it if the Consent form isn't signed.

16/17 yr olds sign for themselves,although some parents do it.

All of 12 yr olds Parents sign it.

If any age refuses,then its not given.

If a 12 yr old wanted it,and form wasn't signed by a parent it is not given.