AIBU to think that DH's XP should have consulted us or at least him in whether or not his DD has the HPV vaccine.....

[boodleboot]

.....she didn't.....she has IMO, a pretty laissez faire parenting style at the best of times {i'm being polite there people...} and has made this decision to let DSD have the jab without even metioning it to us or apparently questioning it herself.....DH and I are dead against this jab for my DD {who lives with us} and DH would have really liked the opportunity to have a say in this decision as feels the jab is just an unproven risk not worth taking at the moment and would have suggested waiting a couple of years to see how the side effects and statistics are bourne out by other peoples experience....

anyhoo....we only find out today she had the jab last week as i had seen a status update of hers on FB saying that she has passed out again at school. Apparently she has been passing out with dizziness and headaches since the day she had it intermittently and after googling it again apparently fainting is a side effect that can be pretty nasty and can last ages....DH's XP hadn't made the link between these faints and the jab so hasn't even taken her to docs yet.....AAAARRRGGGHH. ooh i am very cross you know....

[DailyMailNameChanger]

signing in again, sorry, I am off to do a thread in site stuff to ask for a solution - keep your fingers crossed for me!

BB, I am sure I could get the number for a woodsman for you if that would help?

[Bucharest]

Only read OP, but YABU.
Now't to do with you.
In the same way that your decision for your child would be very little to do with her stepfather.
Sorry.

[boodleboot]

thanks peoples....i can see that my OP does read as BU in some ways. DH is going to speak to his XP and see if she can be a bit more mindful of his wish to contribute to decisions regarding his DD...hopefully the fainting will stop and normal service can resume....

now, where did i leave that poisoned apple....

[GypsyMoth]

for your dh to gain pr is very simple...but would mean court.

[WartoScreamo]

boodle, I feel your pain, but it was down to your DH to discuss these things in advance with his ex. You might feel stuff, but I'm pretty damn sure she's not interested. And I mean that in the best way!

[MadameDefarge]

I mean, they are real newborns, not some kind of cyberbabies...

[MadameDefarge]

Ah, yes, thanks for reminding me, GCG and smallpox not allowed as I also have eczema....kind of worrying as live in East London where there is no reduction in TB cases due to high percentage of new citizens, which is why all our kids here get BCG as virtual newborns....

[boodleboot]

i definitely feel like more than just a new stepmother...we have been together for five years and she spends every other weekend, 3 weeks in the summer hols, christmas and easter hols and usually at least one of the half terms....she was my bridesmaid when we married earlier this year and was genuinely thrilled to be there...she tells me that she loves me when putting down the phone...i speak to her at least once a day on FB...i taught her about the joy of puzzles and she teaches me about horses and when she is with us she totally fits in as one of 'my own' - she is very close with my DD who is two years younger than her and when people ask me how many children i have a naturally say three, without having to think about it....we contribute from our joint account on top of her CSA payment, fifty quid a month for her to loan a pony as she is a keen rider and she has been accepted totally by my family who buy her the same value presents that they would spend on my blood children....so yes i do feel like more than just a 'step parent' to her - she is my family just as my two are DH's family...

BUT i really can see that people have some very negative opinions of SP's which must be bourne out of their experiences or stereotypes i guess, which is a shame...

[JohnnieBodenAteMyHamster]

Warto - not necessarily true!

I had neither vaccine - and that was in the early/mid 80s. My mother was not in favour of me being vaccinated against rubella at 14, when there was no chance of me becoming pregnant. She thought I should be mature enough to check out my rubella status before ttc, when I could have the vaccine if I wasn't already immune (I was). She took advice on the TB jab, and the GP advised her against it as it wasn't recommended for people with eczema at the time. My sister did have the vaccine, and it became badly infected. Yuck.

[WartoScreamo]

I was brought up by grandparents though my dad always retained parental responsibility. I try to think of similar examples from my childhood, but you had rubella about 12 and TB a bit later and no-one got stressed about them.

Morris - I agree with you that step parents have an impact. My step mother was lovely! She was very, very good to me, and always there to talk to. And she was maybe unbiased in away your own mother never is.

But MY mother died. If this was my daughter, talking to a new wife of my DH, I'm not sure how I would cope with that! I have such mixed feelings based on my own life. I like to think I could be relaxed about it, but on the other hand.....

You know what, I really have a sense now for what my grandmother felt when my dad remarried.

[DailyMailNameChanger]

MorrisZapp, that is kind of what I was trying to drive at.. being a step parent for many years does mean you are more than just the woman who married someones dad IYSWIM. My own step father is very dear to me although he never took any part in decision making about me he does care very deeply indeed and always did.

Quite often I feel we talk about step parents of young children who are (by definition) a fairly new addition to a family, it is easy to forget about people who could have been involved in a childs life in a parental capacity for many many years which i do feel is a bit different!

As I said my dd has a step mother, although i don't like her personally - we are totally different in almost every way that counts - I do respect the fact that she has been a fantastic person to my child for a very long time! I have no intention or wish to hear her opinions on anything much but I would, for example, allow time for my ex to go and have a chat with her about something important for my dd before he and I make a decision about it because I do think her thoughts should at least get the opportunity to be aired - it is up to him what he does with them of course! Like it or not she is a large part of my daughters life!

[Snorbs]

Boodlebot, absent your DH having Parental Responsibility then there is no legal obligation for his ex to discuss anything regarding his daughter with him. Where both parents have Parental Responsibility then there is an obligation for medical care (as well as schooling) to be discussed and agreed between them. For what it's worth, on the few occasions it's been necessary I've gained agreement from my ex. I just put myself in my ex's shoes and consider how I would want to be treated.

If no agreement can be reached then one or other can apply to court for a Prohibited Steps Order to stop whatever it is going ahead but you'd better have a damn good reason for doing so as courts don't like their time being wasted. As far as I am aware a court will generally agree that a routine vaccination go ahead.

Your DH can get Parental Responsibility for his DD in one of two ways - either he can ask his ex to sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement, get it witnessed at the local court, and then post it off. That's the easy way. If the ex refuses then he can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order which he will almost certainly get. That being said, given the age of DD then there won't be a huge amount of point in gaining PR as DD's own opinions will be given ever-greater weight as she gets older.

[scottishmummy]

not meaning to be rude i dont miss your point
i just don't completely agree with your points
that's all

[MorrisZapp]

OP, I do think your initial concern was BU but I think you've accepted that now.

FWIW, I have a stepdad who has brought me up just as a father would, including signing things, making decisions, giving permission etc. I love my dad very much but he didn't live in our house and so was not there for much of the nitty gritty stuff that my stepdad was.

My point is that kids often belong to more then just their two biological parents - I kind of feel in my stepdads case that given he was earning the money as well as providing much of the care, he was a bona fide parent and as entitled to a say as much as my mum and my dad.

So with that in mind I think I can see why mums would get more het up that dads - my dad was totally cool with me living with my stepdad and trusted him to do the best for us. Maybe it's harder thinking of another woman in that role hence the many comments about how stepmums have no rights other then to offer an opinion.

[boodleboot]

ronaldihnio - more brothers grimm, less oprah winfrey needed here, you are dead right....

not meaning to be rude SM but i think you have missed the point of what i said previously....at NO POINT was i going to say anything to XP about this as clearly this is not my place to do so....it is DH's. He has stated his opinion, which is the same as my opinion as we agree on this, that he would like to be informed next time something like this comes up before it happens rather than after so he can offer his opinion to both her and his daughter. Especially something where there are possible side effects like the issues raised by vaccines. Love em or hate em vaccines certainly stir up opinions and to expose her to his opinion as well as her mothers is balanced parenting non?...

BUT at no point would it be appropriate for his wife {me} to verbally give a personal opinion to his ex-partner on her parenting style...likewise the situation of her giving me advice on our parenting style would also not be appropriate.....hopefully she would use a MN thread instead and no doubt i would post on it obliviously about what a pain her XP's wife is ha ha...

[Ronaldinhio]

honestly...you are seriously going to mess this girl up

you are supposed to be treating her in an evil way and driving a wedge between her father and her....certainly not caring for her. THAT IS HER MOTHER'S JOB

Imagine the counselling and ridicule she'll go through and have to cope with if she tells people that she had an entirely reasonable step mother who respected everyone's opinions and loved her

do buck up and start injecting apples with poison and hiring a woodsman

[franklymydear]

yes you are unreasonale

[Heated]

Possibly one of these letters where you sign the forms but have no conception when the jab's actually happening or even that in other ppl's minds it's that big a deal/even an issue.

Did once work in a girls' school where there was mass hysteria re jabs and loads of girls passed out. The Head was soo exasperated with them

Hope your dsd feels better soon.

[scottishmummy]

bb-have an opinion by all means!voiced through your dh and he communicates with his ex-wife

this is parental.

just like if you and dh have children you wont welcome 1st wife opinions on how you two parent

[boodleboot]

SM - it was kind of meant in a lighthearted way but am i not allowed to have an opinion on her parenting without that making me a terrible person....its only you lot that i am sharing that with after all?

ILT - i think some of the problem is that DH doesn't have what is known as parental rights as they were never married. i think this has made him kind of think that he may look into how to acquire these...

[JohnnieBodenAteMyHamster]

Boodle - I think some people are so pro-vaccine that they're prepared to be unpleasant to anyone who's not so pro-vaccine just on principle.

I think your DH's XP should have consulted him, and I think it's unreasonable of other people to say you should somehow switch off your feelings about your step-daughter. I'd say it was admirable in a way that you are concerned about her welfare rather than thinking it really doesn't matter about the vaccine as she's not 'your' child.

[boodleboot]

all i know is she came to us one weekend with a bellybutton plus belly bar and when her dad asked her how what why etc she said her mum gave her permission....which XP confirmed was the case....[hmm. like you say tho whilst frustrating i totally get that there is nowt i can do to prevent stuff like this happening....i guess because DH said to her at the time that he would like a bit more involvement in the bigger issues {ie NO TATTOOS BEFORE SHE IS 18 etc...ha} it would have been nice for him to be involved in the decision making process...or at the very least the consultation stage?

DMNC - pranging of car and non appt keeping only came to light after OP....

[scottishmummy]

if you have no issues why criticise her parenting style in op,bb

so did her mum make gp appt and not maintain it?

[MadameDefarge]

Boodle, parenting styles differing are maddening. My exp parents in a very different way to me, and it drives me nuts sometimes, but I have learnt over the years to bite my tongue unless it is something I really really won't tolerate (eg, letting ds watch inappropriate films, agewise). Ds seems to be fine, loves his dad.

And as a mother, it must drive you up the wall to see someone make a decision such as the piercing...I mean, NO!

but but but, she is the main custodial parent. And you know yourself how hard it is to be the sole parent, and you have your DH by your side to help.

I dunno. I do sympathise, its hard on your dh, and also you because you care, but as long as DSD is in the main well cared for and loved, kinda have to let it go? And believe you me, I know its a big ask.

[DailyMailNameChanger]

So she did try to take her to the docs then? as in she had made an appointment but could not keep it? Because that is not the impression your op gives tbh...