Pale mixed race baby raising a few eyebrows......

[angelz]

My ds was born 3 months ago and surprised us all by coming out extremly pale with straight red hair, despite having a black father.

I myself am VERY pale, so found it more amusing than shocking as I know how funny genetics can be.

But lately my partner has said that while he loves our ds he is finding it hard as he cannot see himself, or any of his family in ds.

He has even mentioned a paternity test, and while I know in his heart he knows how ridiculous this is, he says sometimes he can't digest what he sees before his eyes.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?.... will our ds darken, or is it really possible that a mixed race baby can stay this white? Even his little ears have a pinkish hue, and his eyelids are almost see through!

Personally I would never have thought it an issue, but can see why my partner may struggle a little with it, people already have given us a few funny looks when I introduce him as ds's father

I'm glad you got the DNA test for the sake of your LO. At least there will be no doubt now.

Victoria- I'm quite certain the OP had no doubts to start with...

I suspect that your partner is suffering from anxiety about not knowing his own genetic heritage as well as he thought he did. As others have said, if his family of Caribbean origin, there is a strong possibility of some Anglo-Saxon genes in the mix, which may be unsettling to him if he had a strong sense of his identity before your baby was born.

I've thought of another example. My cousins' father was a completely white in appearance Caucasian Barbadian. My cousins have the following colouring: oldest is blonde, second is a glorious redhead, third has pale skin but also has a dark afro (not black, but very dark brown) that keeps it very short for fear of being mistaken for a Jackson in their 1970s big hair phase. I think there are so many "issues" and complexities about Caribbean families that this sort of occurrence (ie the resurgence of some long-forgotten traits) is not that uncommon.

Normally I would be up in arms about your partner's desire for a paternity test, re issues of trust. My bil is being an arse at the moment and saying he wants a paternity test on his and my sister's 5 yr old and the baby about to be born. He's being an arse, I think your partner is genuinely suffering, and if this test finally puts his mind at rest (which I hope it has), then maybe it is a good thing that he had it done. It may create a whole load more issues though. Maybe it will prompt him to do some family research?

I know someone with 3 mixed race children and is pregnant with her 4th.

They all came out the same sort of middle colour.

The first one stayed that colour and had medium brown hair.

The second one had dark hair and his skin colour got darker as he got older.

The third one had medium brown hair and then went really pale skinned with blonde hair.

So I went to have my hair done today at a new salon, after booking in yesterday when I had ds in tow.

Today I am sitting there and dp walks past pushing buggie just to say hi, and one of the hairdressers says "Is that your partner", "Yes." I said. "He can't be," chimes in the other hairdresser, "he's black."

When I insist that he is she just looks gobsmacked, and I can hear a couple of the younger assistants sniggering a little.

Arghhhhhh, guess we are going to have to get used to this!

After you've said "Yes, he's DS's dad," I'd ignore them. None of their business!

think in this rare case a paternity test might stop festering subconscious doubts which could undermine your relationship.

My [black] friend has a DS who is blonde with blue eyes
I am blonde and pale - my DS is dark-haired and dark-eyed (like his Dad)

When our DSs are playing together in park or at restaurants we've regularly had strangers comment 'oh, doesn't he look like his mum' (ie doesn't her DS look like me, and mine like her!) When we say 'no, that one's mine' we've actually had people arguing with us - explaining in front of our DSs that they can't possibly belong to us! The good lord protect us from people who think they know the truth...

hehe - what is it about having children that suddenly the world thinks they have the right to comment on personal issues!

I think in this quite bizarre instance a paternity test will help, and I (and my dp) just have to learn to develop a very thick skin.

I do really appreciate all the posts btw - it has been a bit of an emotional mind field and hearing so many different opinions has helped in a way :O)

Angelz, In terms of trust and respect for you, your DP is being thoroughly unreasonable to get a DNA test, however the idiocy of people like in the hairdressers creates a constant pressure, and I do have some sympathy there.

I have a mixed race child, and effing nonsense is spouted CONSTANTLY, people doing a double take "is he your child, oh but he looks Asian", OR not realising that he is Asian and coming out with some racist claptrap about Asians to me and in earshot of DS. (which wouldn't be ok whatever racial make-up DS had, of course). OK, maybe not constantly, but often enough to be tiresome, and for 'jokes'like Katiestars crack about the milkman below to make you wnat to poke people in the eye.

I would guess that your DP feels pretty helpless in the face of this - that he has made his way in pride in the face of racism, but is now facing a new raft of nonsense.

I would talk to him about how it has made you feel - because what he has done is v hurtful. Yes, he may worry about bonding with his DS, but what about his bond with you? But also, try and talk through all this and what it means for him - and develop a joint 'fck the fckwits' strategy.

Good luck.

This is interesting, b/c I plan to adopt at some point and chances are that our adopted child won't look like me or DH. Hmm...

CheerfulYank, you really do become public property, as angelz says, when you have children, although maybe you've already experienced this. My neighbours are both mixed race/ethnicity and their children reflect all their various heritages (African, E. European Jewish, Italian and Scottish). Both parents have fielded questions and comments from nosy and rude people. The H, who has lighter skin than the children, was asked to provide proof of his relationship to them once when leaving the local park .

I agree with Duchesse that some people don't like to think of the painful circumstances through which they came to have an ancestor of a different race during a time of racial inequality, exploitation and segregation. (There's a story out today about the maternal ancestry of Michelle Obama, for instance). But no excuse for insisting on a paternity test. This was not the right way for the OP's DP to approach his 'bonding' problem.

I am red head pale skin freckles my Ds dad is italian darkhair etc ,Ds one is like his dad sighty paler,Ds2 is darker that his dad jeblack hair , black eyes and quie often taken for mixed race or Indian

re: becoming public property.

why do so many people find it acceptable to ask where my dd's father is from? after the first few, i've taken to saying a different uk location each time now.

some nosy parker: 'oohh, look at her, wheres her dad from?'
me: 'hull'
nosy parker: wanders off,

its better than getting into some race discussion where strangers have to comment on the way my child looks. although the stubborn ones still have to dig further asking 'wheres he really from though?'

ggrrr wonder if parents of children who look the same ethnicity as each other still get those questions???

If the paternity test is what he needs, then so be it I guess, I wouldn't take it to heart in these circumstances.

I'm afraid I have been one of the annoying dim people recently - I saw twins, one with startling silky red hair, very pale, and one with much darker skin and wiry dark hair and asked the Dad if they were both his and if they were twins I couldn't believe I actually said what I was thinking. Luckily the Dad was lovely and we had a nice chat about our kids, which carried on when the mum turned up, I would have deserved it if he had said something rude to me but I think I was just interested to see something unusual.

My friend (white) is married to a very dark skinned Indian man and they have a son who is as pale as can be, you would never think he was mixed race at all.

TBH though I would have been disgusted if DH had ever questioned either of our sons being his, I would have gone ballistic.

I think you need to get your DP to do some serious groveling once he gets his little bit of paper to say he is the daddy.

How very dare he!!!!!!

I am white, DH is black. When I woke up from an emergency CS I was convinced DH had the wrong baby as DD was so white she was almost blue (although I am Irish so perhaps thats normal!). She is now 6 months and has become much much darker, def looks mixed race. But, just to say that when she was born DH got odd looks walking her in the park alone - now I do !

We have just come back from holiday and a mixed race couple there had one very dark baby and one who had blue eyes and blond hair!

GP told me not to worry that DD looks like DH as with mixed race babies siblings always look very different and so I could have another one who looks just like me. (Cue aoifesmama crossing her legs - not another one now thanks!)

Genes are wonderful things! I have Irish and South African heritage and my whole family (girls) have been born as english roses with extremely pale skin and blonde ringlets. My hubby however is fairly olive skinned.

Our son was born with light brown hair, by 3 mths was an out and out ginger and at 2.5yrs is now strawberry blonde - guess the irish gene lives on!!! He also has my irish corkscrew hair poor lad!

Both my boys look just like me and my brother when we were little and my DH's family have been more than a little

Kids are unique!

But Angelz has already mentioned a host of insensitive and down-right rude comments from other people, and she's the mum! They're probably even blunter with the dad, presented no doubt as 'jokey male banter'.

Words can be very insidious and allow doubt to creep in when there was none. He ought to trust Angelz, he does, but there's a tiny seed of doubt that eating away and stopping him bonding with ds. There is an absolute answer that gives Angelz' dp peace of mind so he can freed to love his son and it gives him the strength to face others who wound with their insinuations.

Heated - thank you, your kind words have really helped. I think as soon as people hear the words 'paternity test' they immediately think our relationship must be fundamentally floored, but I do believe this is an exceptional situation.

I adore my dp, as I hope he does me. But he IS getting teased at work, and he does get funny looks etc. and the more I think about the situation the more my heart goes out to him. It may be a little awkward and emotionally draining for me, but I think that little piece of paper WILL give him the strength to fend off negative comments and that WILL help his relationship with OUR son, and that can only be beneficial for our relationship.

I just wonder what little DS will grow up to look like, who knows he could change so much this whole episode will be eclipsed. Whatever he does, he is just the way he should be :O)

Jus wanted to add (as everyone else already has) me and my dp are both mixed race. He has a irish/white mum and jamican dad, I have a white/german mum and jamican dad. Im very obviously mixed race with "soft" hair, my dp often gets mistaken for being from a middle eastern country. Our ds is only slightly darker then my dp and dd 1 is darker then I am.

Mixed race babies are born all sorts of ways...not many people are 100% anything anymore lol!

Im sure your dp just needs time to bond...he will get there in the end!

Wishing you all the best!

Thank you, what a lovely thing to say, Angelz

Angelz - I understand that you feel ok about the test now. But if it were me, it would eat away at me afterwards. Your DP, when all is said and done, is asking for a piece of paper to show that you didn't sleep with anyone else, and not accepting your word. In the long term, that could be very damaging to your relationship, I think.

Yes, you need a ginger gene in both parents as it's a recesive gene in order to have a ginger baby.
Just because one of the parents or both don't have ginger hair, doesn't mean they don't have the gene.

Acanthus - I hear what you are saying, but I think it is such a bizarre situation it is a little more complicated than it as first seems.
He knows I have not slept with anyone, but he is facing constant jibes from others and I think it may help him to be able to turn around, and with all the conviction in the world, say yes he is my son, I am 100 % sure. More than for his sake, I think it is the only thing that will shut other people up (i.e. his mum (who hasn't come out and said anything but the inferences have been there) / work colleagues (who have definitely come out and said horrible things!)

My ds isn't just a little white looking, he is paler than me and I am one of the palest people I know! Dh is quite dark. It is unusual enough for people to stare, comment and it is difficult for dp.

I don't want to make light of what is obviously a tough situation for the OP, but I am feeling very of all your lovely stories of yours and your children's heritages.

DH and I both look pretty similar and both have straight fine mid brown hair, brown or green eyes and the same medium tone skin smattered with moles, the only difference is he has slightly pinker skin and I have yellowy skin. DD looks exactly like both of us and will also grow up with boring brown eyes, straight fine mid brown hair and moley skin. DH has done a lot of genealogy work on our families and they are soooo boring and very English and even going back several generations. So I am very of all of you with your red hair, afro hair, blues etc.

OP, I think you did the right thing, your husband must be finding it a bit hard to bond with your DS when he doesn't look at all like him and there is this nagging doubt. It's worth it for their relationship even if it casts doubts on yours. It's tough for men in the early days, they don't have much control or say in the whole baby situation. You've been connected with DS for months when pg and he hasn't. I think it is quite a primative urge for men to want to prove their child's provenance in the early stages, I think that's why babies generally look like cross old men in the early days!