Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pale mixed race baby raising a few eyebrows......

189 replies

angelz · 05/10/2009 14:28

My ds was born 3 months ago and surprised us all by coming out extremly pale with straight red hair, despite having a black father.

I myself am VERY pale, so found it more amusing than shocking as I know how funny genetics can be.

But lately my partner has said that while he loves our ds he is finding it hard as he cannot see himself, or any of his family in ds.

He has even mentioned a paternity test, and while I know in his heart he knows how ridiculous this is, he says sometimes he can't digest what he sees before his eyes.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?.... will our ds darken, or is it really possible that a mixed race baby can stay this white? Even his little ears have a pinkish hue, and his eyelids are almost see through!

Personally I would never have thought it an issue, but can see why my partner may struggle a little with it, people already have given us a few funny looks when I introduce him as ds's father

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 06/10/2009 14:32

Dark haired mum and dad, white, produced one dark haired girl with olive skin and one very very pale girl with red hair.

lisianthus · 06/10/2009 16:09

What everyone else said re the fact that it is genetically possible for your baby to have auburn hair. However, you know that already as it happened. I think you are being remarkably nice to your DP by considering having a paternity test. I would find it stupendously insulting and would hit the roof. Your DP is a lucky man.

Original poster
angelz · 06/10/2009 17:51

Lisianthus - I know, and I am very hurt.
In truth it makes me question a lot about our relationship, which up until now I consider very strong. It is a strange situation, and has come in the midst of an already very stressful period (ds has silent reflux and is not the most content of babies, so been a lot of crying and sleepless nights!).
But I think in terms of my partners ability to bond with son it is necessary, as for what remains of our relationship afterwards, well that is something we will face ....

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 06/10/2009 17:57

Not quite the same thing but DD is ginger with blue eyes - both me and DH (and all our parents) have dark hair and eyes!

JoeyBettany · 06/10/2009 20:24

I'm white and people often assume that ds is fostered/adopted when they see and my new (white) partner out as a family especially with new white baby dd

cory · 07/10/2009 09:51

Not exactly mixed race, but I am Swedish- very blond, blue eyes, white skin- and dh is the Mediterranean type- olive skin, black hair, brown eyes, big nose. We have one of each: dd features him and looks very exotic, ds takes after me and is a complete little Scandinavian. But failing any miracle of the immaculate conception order, they are most definitely full siblings. And as they are growing up I can see myself in dd: she may not look like my family, but she has my mother's smile. Ds's lively mimicry and body language clearly comes from dh's family, not from mine.

weegiemum · 07/10/2009 10:05

I'm scottish through and through - dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes. Dh is Irish/German, black hair, olive skin, blue eyes.

We have 2 brown eyed dds and a hazel eyed son - not "conventionally" possible, but the simplistic explanations of eye/hair colour are nwo considered out of date. It's far more complicated than a single gene. THe girls have dark dark brown hair like me, ds is much lighter, very like dh's brother.

you · 07/10/2009 10:15

Sorry, I don't have time to read the whole thread, but just to say my DH is somalian/indian and very dark, I'm white and our DD is extremely pale. Sometimes in photos she looks darker but she'd easily get away with being white if I was by myself with her.

I also have a friend who is so so pale- almost irish skin, pure white, burns easily etc, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she has 2 indian parents One of her great grandfathers was scottish which must be where it came from. I went on holiday with her to Tunisia a few years ago and we got chatting to another Britsih woman, who looked mixed race and had afro hair. We got onto the subject of heratige and told her about my friend's indian parents and she laughed and took out a photo of her parents who were both white!

Genetics is a funny old thing.

victoriascrumptious · 07/10/2009 10:16

As galling as it may be, for the sake of your marriage and your lo's security it may be a good idea to sucumb to the paternity test. Then your dh can rest easy.

totalmisfit · 07/10/2009 10:18

i haven't been through exactly what you're going through, but vaguely similar in that dh is mixed race (going back 2 generations though) and has olive skin, dark hair and eyes and our dd is a blue-eyed redhead. Even we have endured many 'jokes' about the milkman, so i can't imagine how much harder it is for you.

AvrilH · 07/10/2009 10:31

I am sure the simplistic version of genetics we were taught in school has caused no end of grief

a little knowledge is a dangerous thing

get the paternity test but tell your DH how this has hurt you

I know a mixed race child with blue eyes and a blonde afro!

itwasntme · 07/10/2009 10:59

I have one of each. I'm white with blonde hair, dh is dark skinned South American (black, indiginous, Spanish mix)

Dd is very dark skinned with dark hair, and ds is white skinned with blonde hair. Their facial features are very similar though. We get A LOT of comments on them.

The mix is fascinating. Unfortunately most of us grow up with the belief that dark genes are dominant, hence the misconceptions.

I have several mixed race friends with very white babies who often get mistaken for the nanny.

Original poster
angelz · 07/10/2009 19:38

Thank you everyone for your replies - it's really interesting reading about all the different mixtures out there.

so....... yesterday dp did a DNA test on our little ds, and although I agreed to it, I now feel really numb and hurt and don't know quite how to move forward. I really didn't count on any of this happening, feel like it has tainted the enjoyment of our beautiful boys first few months.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/10/2009 19:42

He actually did a test?!

Am gobsmacked, does he understand what he is effectively saying about you?

I would be seriously considering whether to stay with someone who believed I would cheat on them because of the colour of my baby's skin.

Not on.

cory · 07/10/2009 19:48

I agree with Morloth. When that test comes back positive, he should grovel! Make sure he reads this thread to see how where his silly ignorance and unwillingness to read up on the facts has led him.

AvrilH · 07/10/2009 19:50

yes, show him this thread

TanyaBranning · 07/10/2009 19:51

I'm white (very pale). DH is black. We have two children. One is pale olive skinned with black European-textured hair and eyes - people don't often realise he is mixed race and mistake him for Turkish / Greek / South American. Our other child is white - as white as me - with strawberry blonde hair & green eyes.

Genes are funny things.

It is perfectly plausible for a mixed couple to produce a child who looks more one race than the other, and indeed, to produce several children who have completely different complexions/hair etc.

I find it sad that your DH doesn't realise this.

Fajitas · 07/10/2009 19:52

Angelz - you poor thing. I hope he's suitably contrite.

Lulumama · 07/10/2009 19:55

I think the issue is not what colour your DS is, but your DPs attitude

that he truly believes the baby is not his

it is a disgusting attitude and he needs to examine his own behaviour

rejecting his child and questioning your fidelity because the baby does not resemble him strongly is immature and pathetic

Lulumama · 07/10/2009 19:57

I think the issue is not what colour your DS is, but your DPs attitude

that he truly believes the baby is not his

it is a disgusting attitude and he needs to examine his own behaviour

rejecting his child and questioning your fidelity because the baby does not resemble him strongly is immature and pathetic

forehead · 07/10/2009 20:12

I agree with Lulumama, i would be upset about your dh actually choosing to take a paternity test. He must know that children of mixed race come in all shades,as even when both parents are black the children can
have different shades.I think your dd probably thinks that you have been unfaithful. I hope you give your dh a right bollocking.

WickedWench · 07/10/2009 20:32

I'd be tempted to wait until he gets the confirmation that he is the Dad and then tell him to pack his bags and sling his hook.

Does he not realise quite how hugely insulting his actions are?

FABIsInTraining · 07/10/2009 21:00

He doesn't trust you.

Has he grounds to not trust you? No? Then kick him somewhere tender.

Arse-twatter.

Original poster
angelz · 07/10/2009 21:38

I think he does trust me (sounds funny, given the context I know!) but he says he just has that 1 per cent of doubt that haunts him, and he is scared it will affect how he bonds with his son.

I think he has been getting a lot of stick from people at work (no excuse I know, they can f88k off ((pardon me!!)) for all I care, but I guess he needs the security of knowing he is the father so he can 100 % laugh off stupid comments about bloody milk men etc.

Ah, never would have thought my life would get so Jeremy Kyle!

(and no, Fabsintraining, he does not have grounds to suspect, I am the most loyal loving partner - that's what makes it even more bloody annoying!)

OP posts:
rachyh85 · 07/10/2009 22:51

i looked at this thread purely because i have a mixed race daughter myself. she 'looks mixed race' too, (whatever that may be... lol) so cant offer personal support, but like so many others on here i know a family; white mum and black dad. their dd has dark brown eyes, skin the same colour as her fathers and black curly hair. their ds has white skin, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

you will probably find that your own ds will darken somewhat, maybe just a little, maybe a lot, but as he grows your dh will see himself in him, regardless of his skin or hair colour.

my dd was very pale when she was born, but at about 8 weeks, the tips of her fingers suddenly went brown (on the skin under nail-up to her knuckle) over months, the rest of her fingers blended to an even colour. she is a very even colour all over, but is still quite pale.

i hope that you and dh can get over this confusing time and will look forward to what 'colour' any future babes may be

love rach