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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let complete stanger at party to lift/play with my daughter?

119 replies

holybatsh1t · 04/10/2009 09:19

not sure if this is the right place to post, but need some advice/reassurance. went to good friends party recently, lots of young families there. dh mingling, i was watching dd4 and ds2 playing in garden. was sitting away from them (on my own!) but keep steady eye and just chilling a bit. looked back and saw dd being encouraged to walk up a mans body, eventually resulting in legs on his shoulders....this freaked me out. i acted calmly, walked over and made an excuse about getting more cake! - he however, sought me out a few minutes later to apologise if he had offended me. was i right to be so suspicious? would your partners interact physically with children unknown to them?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 04/10/2009 09:21

I think you are being very unreasonable

He knows you are suspicious that he has ulterior sexual motives

He will probably be terrified of talking or playing with children again

very sad

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/10/2009 09:22

Yes he would, I think you were being a tiny BU.

starwhores · 04/10/2009 09:22

I would probably react the same as you, but it just fear and unfounded to boot. But then we live in a red top culture that every man's a peadophile and so I think men should be a little more careful with other people's children.

HerBeatitude · 04/10/2009 09:24

Terribly, terribly said that normal people can't have normal human interaction with our children without us getting terrified that they're paedophiles.

Awful. Yes, YABU.

chimchar · 04/10/2009 09:24

i think yabu. i guess it depends on the situation though...

usually in situations like that, one poor fella does it once to his own child and finds himself with a queue of 37 more children all wanting a turn!

what made it feel wrong to you?

cat64 · 04/10/2009 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cies · 04/10/2009 09:27

YABU - are you really this suspicious of everyone?

chachachachacha · 04/10/2009 09:27

I don't think my dh would play so hands on with children he didn't know - but mainly because he doesn't like playing with other children! however I have friends whose husbands are very interactive with children - I guess it was assumed that as you were at a good friends party, and that there were lots of young families there that people are used to playing with children - it may have been that they didn't want your dd to have felt left out?

Not sure what you mean by dd being encouraged to walk up a mans body - do you mean climb up him? Who encouraged her? Did she want to do it?

smokinaces · 04/10/2009 09:27

I think YABU. its not like a complete stranger at a park - you were at a friends house party.

deepdarkwood · 04/10/2009 09:28

At a party, with lots of young families, where many people know each other, yes, I think dh would interact physically with (or, as I might put it, play with) small children.

And dd (3.5) would expect any strange man to play with her

I would have gone over & made myself known as the child's mother though - not least to ensure my child wasn't being a pest...

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 09:28

YABU

DH always plays physical games with our children - throwing them up in the air at the pool, letting them climb all over him at the park. Often there is a queue of their little friends wanting to join in.

I would be horrified if others interpreted the fact that he is a fabulous hands on dad as he has some sort of ulterior sexual motive.

diddl · 04/10/2009 09:29

If he was there with his own family, I probably wouldn´t be suspicious, especially if he wasn´t trying to get said child away from the group.

kif · 04/10/2009 09:30

Isn't the point of family parties that other people can entertain your kids for a while?

I was at a party yesterday where someone spent an hour (apparently of their own free will) leading my Dd around on a leash playing various variations of 'pretend I'm a puppy'. I would have lost patience after two minutes!

kif · 04/10/2009 09:32

Re: walk a mans body, it's the Sportacus flip. Standard dad at party schtick my end of the woods. The kid is held at arms length, and walks feet up mans body til
they can back flip out of it

tattycoram · 04/10/2009 09:32

My DH would, although less and less as he is aware of people like you. It's really sad. He is a bit of a pied piper and is great with children. Everyone loses out.

Original poster
holybatsh1t · 04/10/2009 09:33

it just sparked weird feeling in me that made me as a mother feel uncomfortable, hence my posting here this morning. i agree with all of the above. i am sure this guy was acting with good intentions, but don't agree that he should interact with a child he does not know. would this situation be acceptable in a public park? for the record, i am very open minded and well aware of this issue, but this took me by suprise. has anyone been in this situation before and how did you handle it if you felt uneasy?

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 04/10/2009 09:35

you went with your gut feeling, it is a shame but I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

It is all social conditioning to our culture here though. Ive spent a lot of time in Greece with my "yr old DD and she is / was often picked up tickled, hugged, kissed, stroked by complete strangers on the beach, street or supermarket.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2009 09:37

really? At a friend's child's party I would assume that the adults there were up for playing with and entertaining any child that happened to be around. You don't go to a kids party and only play with your child do you? No, but because he's a man he must be a paedo!

You were paranoid and unkind, and he clearly realised you thought he was a paedo. Poor man.

Original poster
holybatsh1t · 04/10/2009 09:38

thanks onlywants, was feeling terrible about this all night, and now feel worse! btw, party was held in pub garden so was not aware who was at party and who was at pub. as soon as situation did arise i went over and introduced myself.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 04/10/2009 09:39

But it wasn't a public park. This is a private party and you are tight there along with a lot of other people. My dh plays with other kids in this kind of situation.

Would you have felt OK if it had been a woman? After all, women are totally safe, aren't they......

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2009 09:39

A random stranger in a park is very different to a parent at a child's party, as I'm sure you understand.

iLikeDots · 04/10/2009 09:40

YABU. Very, very sad state of affairs . You were at a friends party, with young families. The guy noticed you were suspicious of his innocent actions of playing with your child.

How awful for him. He must of felt terrible. My DP is very good with our DD and her friends, and loves to horse about. My sisters DP is brilliant with my DD and plays with her for hours, he also is very good with children in general. They would be extermly hurt to be thought of as 'suspicious' for playing with young children just because they are male.

Acinonyx · 04/10/2009 09:41

I see it was a pub garden - in that case I probably would have gone and introduced myself too - but hopefully not be negative.

Original poster
holybatsh1t · 04/10/2009 09:43

i wasn't rude or negative, i'm not like that, made excuse about getting cake...

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/10/2009 09:44

But he realised what you were doing. Haven't you ever seen dads do the walking up legs thing? I remember it fondly from my own dad. How could you have interpreted that as suspicious behaviour?

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