to not let complete stanger at party to lift/play with my daughter?

[holybatsh1t]

not sure if this is the right place to post, but need some advice/reassurance. went to good friends party recently, lots of young families there. dh mingling, i was watching dd4 and ds2 playing in garden. was sitting away from them (on my own!) but keep steady eye and just chilling a bit. looked back and saw dd being encouraged to walk up a mans body, eventually resulting in legs on his shoulders....this freaked me out. i acted calmly, walked over and made an excuse about getting more cake! - he however, sought me out a few minutes later to apologise if he had offended me. was i right to be so suspicious? would your partners interact physically with children unknown to them?

What a depressing world we live in.

If it made you uncomfortable then you did right to say something. There isnt just the "paedo" side to it, what you have to consider is that other families have different boundaries. You probably did the diplomatic thing with the cake, but another approach might be to go to the man and say, "I'm sorry, is she being a pest? come on lets find daddy". Dont pause for answer and scoop up DD. If DD mentioned it later you could say, its OK to do that with your daddy but not with other peoples daddies.

FGS

[rolls eyes]

Also, its worth mentioning here that some kids are more physical than others, more clumsy, more daring etc. DS does really daft unpredictable things. If he had been the child he would have probably either injured himself or kicked the man in the gob in excitement.

Piglet, the little boy looked scared and was sobbing thats why i went over....it wasn't until later that evening I realised the enourmity of me stepping in....and i possibly did save his life.....I still shudder at the thought now.

My goodness lady just thinking about your story in the shower i just shuddered. I spotted a little girl sobbing on her own no parents around in a shoppping centre so i went up to her and said that we will find them, i took her to customer services in Morrisons and they were there and thanked me. I would like to think that i would do something like that Lady, especially since Madeline Macgann and Jamie Bulger, he could have been saved if someone like you intervened. I know my intentions are innoncent i would always put a child before public perception of my being a paedophile before doing something. Even if the parents are not grateful and look at yyou with daggers, my duty is to that child.

"Are the YABU comments on here taking into account that the OP didn't know whether the man was part of the invited group or someone totally unconnected who happened to be having a pint in a pub garden at the same time as the OPs party was taking place?"

It wouldn't make a difference to me. I am not naive enough to think that because someone is invited to a party that I have been invited to then they are less likely to be a peadophile than the general population. People are married to peadophiles and have no idea. My brother could be a peadophile and I wouldn't know.

If my children are playing and I can see them and an adult is interacting in a normal way then that is ok by me. If the adult was trying to get the dc to go somewhere with him or touch him inappropriately then I would be over like a shot. Lots of times men have helped my dcs get into swings or down from climbing frames that have meant they have touched them and not once have I thought they were abusing my children.

"So for those who think it's ok, I assume that you don't introduce the concept of stranger danger to your kids at all?"

I do teach them that people aren't allowed to touch their genitals, and they are not allowed to touch other peoples. If anyone asks them to touch them thay are to say no and tell me about it. I have told them that people may tell lies to try and get them not to tell but they mustn't listen to the lies. That applys to strangers and people they know. They are not allowed to go anywhere with a stranger or talk to a stranger if they can't see me. I have taught them not to talk to people in cars and if a car pulls up alongside them then they are to run away and on no account talk to the people inside. They are not allowed to help people look for lost dogs or go and see a badger set or a family of otters etc with a stranger. If they get lost then they are to get help from either a lady who is working in the place that we are or another mummy (yes, I know women can be peadophiles too but you have to play the odds). I am failing to see why it would be thought that because I think its ok for my dcs to have normal human interaction right in front of me then I wouldn't equip them with the knowledge they need to stay safe.

Op I think YABU, unless he was acting suspiciously or trying to lure your children away from you?

We recently went to a wedding of my dp's family and their friends, there were no "strangers" to them but I didn't know anyone nor did my dd. By the end of the night she was dancing with loads of people, sitting on some of the grownups laps chatting away, everyong kept sayiong how lovely and sweet she was! One lady (a cousin of dp's friend) came over and said she had a couple of photos that had my dd in (with her and her children playing etc) and would I mind if she kept those in with the rest when she puts the wedding photos on facebook. I thought it was lovely she asked and I didn;t mind at all. Dd had a lovely time!

OMG YABVVVVU. My husband plays that game with our kids (2DS 1DD) and then their friends want to join in too. This thread has made me feel quite depressed about neurotic, stupid, hysterical, over-reacting people. Lighten up FFS!

oh FGS you are only allowed to play with Daddy....

That unfortunately doesn't work for the children of the 1 in 4 lone parents in the UK. What are my children to do, never play with a man ever?

Paranoid parenting gorn mad.

My DP would play with random children at a family party, no question.

There's a difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching - it's not a problem that a stranger "physically interacts" with a child in an appropriate way (playing, taking a lost child's hand, lifting a child down from a climbing frame etc). Inappropriate physical contact is the problem, whether by a stranger or friend.

In this situation I might have kept an eye on things, but it sounds like the man was interacting appropriately with your daughter in a public place.

Maybe it jarred with Holyb not because of the reasons she thinks but simply because she doesn't see grown men playing with children anymore - because they're scared of being misconstrued.

We found a young child lost at a vast carboot and dh put him on his shoulders so he could be seen/see his grandparents - but dh made me stand by his side to reassure the boy, as dh a bit of a giant, and to make sure the g-ps knew dh was 'above board'.

Oh dear, I find this thread so sad.

When on earth did we get so isolated and paranoid that we can't let our children interact with other people in a safe and supervised environment without fearing that they will come to some harm?

My DH would happily play games and interact with children at a party. Shame on anyone who would question his motives - to do so is insulting, unintelligent and it's a dreadfully damaging message to pass on to your children.

I agree with SGB - the government have got us right where they want us - scared, suspicious of each other, and dependant on politicians to tell us how to parent.

I read this this morning, and thought Holy God, how unreasonable!
However, I have since been speaking to an old friend, who has told me something (which will be on another thread) that makes me think that, actually, you've trusted your instincts, but didn't make a song and dance about it.
Fair enough, if this is a general attitude to all men, it could be damaging for your dd in the long run, but as one isolated incident, at a party in a pub, you did what you thought was best, and as the childs mother, that is the right thing to do.

Well once again, am surprised (but not shocked) at the sheer rudeness towards and lack of any sort of understanding of the OPs query. The FFS and rolling eyes comments are as always, the most irritating. I think that if you are unable to contribute anything other than expletives, your view point doesn't really carry a lot of weight.

I think that if you are lucky enough that you, your children or anyone you are close to has never been subjected to a sexual assault, then it's easy to label those who are more cautious as hysterical, paranoid etc etc.

As someone previously mentioned, being happy to let your child climb all over a stranger may be appropriate for you and your family, but it is clearly not for the OP and others. It's a highly sensitive situation for many people and it really doesn't warrant the derision and swearing directed at the OP and others who can understand her feelings.

I was just reading this to DH and he said that he's sick to the back teeth of going to kids parties or children's cafes and being pestered by unknown children for him to play with them, because their own parents are sitting on their backside having a coffee, while he's playing all sorts of games with our dcs.

Back to the point, YABVU, probably ruined the mood for your dd and if you keep this behaviour people will probably start being very cautious about playing physical games with her (which are very important for little children's development) and sooner or later she'll find herself feeling left out

"oh FGS you are only allowed to play with Daddy"

.....and as we all know, it's much more likely to be Daddy being inappropriate than any poor bloke just entertaining the kids for a bit....

I am so glad I don't think like you, OP, I really am...and as has been said on another threads like this, I will not be bringing my daughter up to be afraid of half of the human bloody race.

No wonder we can't get any male teachers any more is there?

...oh, and OP, best not go abroad any time soon, as "on the continent" there tends not to be this bonkers paedo-noia spreading its poison through the populace and you might be in the horrific, disgusting, terrifying situation of having your daughter fussed over by waiters etc...(more of them narsty men dontcha know......)oh! but guess what! It might just be because they like kids......because children are made a fuss of.....not because they want to fiddle with them.
Christ almighty.

Sassybeast this is not a supportive forum, it's the AIBU one, and people who write here know to expect to be told whether they RU or not, according to other members' views. People who can't take it and find it rude/harsh, should use another of the many forums on MN, much more mellow and supportive

I tell you what, OP. Why didn't you go over to him, snatch your DD off him and shout in a loud voice "Oi you paedo, leave her alone!" Oh yes. That would be because you came on here to find out who is as neurotic as you (I bet you were all smiles to his face, eh?)
FFS. Lock your precious children up inside, keep them away from normal parents who want to play with their kids. Oooh you've made me so mad grrr.

If it is not appropriate for the OP and her family then the responsibility is on her to tell her dd not to play with adults. The responsibility shouldn't be on ordinary people at a social event to shoo away the children who are not allowed to interact.

YABU - you were at a good friends party. I am assuming your good friend would have invited and known the man in question. He was playing with your daughter - had it been a woman would you have reacted the same? He must feel awful to apologise and to be made to feel like he did something wrong enough for you to suspect him of ill intent.

Mummygirl - read the disclaimer at the top - it's a forum where people will disagree - not a bloody free for all. Still if, the feedback to the OP and those who understand her dilemma isn't a 'personal attack' , then I'm a pigeon psychologist. I appreciate that there are people like you who love AIBU and the ability it gives them to hide behind insults and rolling eyes. Whatever you need to do to occupy you on a Sunday afternoon

well said Golda.

This man was obviously known and was a friend of the person who invited him, if he had been a random drinker from the pub the people in the party would have known and would have questioned him. They obviously knew him. He was only playing a game in public view with the children, it is so ott imo.