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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let complete stanger at party to lift/play with my daughter?

119 replies

holybatsh1t · 04/10/2009 09:19

not sure if this is the right place to post, but need some advice/reassurance. went to good friends party recently, lots of young families there. dh mingling, i was watching dd4 and ds2 playing in garden. was sitting away from them (on my own!) but keep steady eye and just chilling a bit. looked back and saw dd being encouraged to walk up a mans body, eventually resulting in legs on his shoulders....this freaked me out. i acted calmly, walked over and made an excuse about getting more cake! - he however, sought me out a few minutes later to apologise if he had offended me. was i right to be so suspicious? would your partners interact physically with children unknown to them?

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMummy · 04/10/2009 10:35

A few weeks ago i would ahve been saying the same as everyone else, certainly never thought there was a pervert on on corner. Last week I found out that someone knew a few years ago has just been jailed for possesing and sending child porn. I ahve to say it has shaken my sense of judging people.

I ahve always believed that instinct is very powerful though, you made a call based on what you felt. You have no reason to be sorry for that.

Do you mean that she was walking up his body whilst he was stood up, or lying down?

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 04/10/2009 10:39

I am sorry, I am sticking to what I said before, that she followed her gut instinct and that is all we can do as parents.

As it has now been said, the party was in a pub - I am sure that this woman did the right thing, by introducing herself and trying to divert the kids to eating cake, that is really innocent of her,

I wonder either if we have not been told the whole story, or if perhaps the bloke in question has had a bad or negative experience in the past for him to actually approach the mother and explain.

serenity · 04/10/2009 10:41

Good grief, DD does this to me all the time (not a Dad thing in this house, definitely a Mum thing, sans back flip shudders at thought of dislocated shoulders) and I do it to her friends if they ask. I suppose though I get leeway because I'm not a man, and am therefore traditionally harmless...

I think you jumped the gun a bit OP.

cleaningsucks · 04/10/2009 10:41

what morning paper said.

TheProvincialLady · 04/10/2009 10:46

YABU. What do you think child abuse is FGS? As someone who actually experienced it, I can tell you that it doesn't matter one bit if the man was getting his rocks off playing a low level physical PUBLIC game with your DD. Because no one could tell, your DD had fun and was not touched inappropriately or harmed in any way. She will never see him again so there can be no grooming. There are people out there who might get a thrill from just seeing your DD in a skirt in public - what are you going to do, dress her in a burkha? You will do more harm to her by preventing her from having normal interaction with male adults, and as always it hides the real danger of paedophiles - they are NOT a stranger in the pub. They are your brother, your uncle, your best friend from school. Anyone, in fact. Teach your daughter to tell you if anyone acts genuinely inappropriately with her, not to fear each and every man she has never met.

Sassybeast · 04/10/2009 10:48

YANBU. Nothing to do with being barking or desrving of a FFS There is no need/reason for a stranger to have close physical contact with someone elses child. Dh certainly wouldn't and I would feel exactly the same as the OP. So for those who think it's ok, I assume that you don't introduce the concept of stranger danger to your kids at all ? So any random person who wants to pick them up and stick them over their shoulder is ok ?

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/10/2009 10:49

Ok as far as I am concerned it is this attitude that prevents dads interacting with their children for fear of what other people see them doing and how it is then interpreted. Men are no more dangerous than women, yet we don't look upon a woman who picks up a small child who has hurt themselves as a possible paedophile however if a man was to do the same thing we would look like this .

There are times when a mothers instinct takes over and thats not BU its just what we have been turned into with this society we live in.

I went out a few years ago to a beach and there was this man holding a little boys wrist telling him he had to come along...now this didn't look suspicious however something told me it was wrong, the little boy was sobbing and saying no no mummy now, he was in a state so I walked over to him, it was a very busy beach and said "oh dear whats wrong, you shouldn't be crying like that its a lovely day" the man said "oh he has lost his mum and dad I was looking for them", I thought nothing of picking him up and holding him on my shoulders asking where his mummy was, the man ran off. I did find his parents and they were frantic. they found me later to say thankyou, the man was found by the police and arrested on suspicion of attemted abduction. That was my mothers instinct taking over, and that time it was warrented but in the situation of the OP i don't think I would have acted out, I may have stood close by but in a non commital way iyswim?

cherryblossoms · 04/10/2009 10:52

I'm finding this a bit depressing.

The other week I saw a child fall over, went to pick small child up, asked him where his parent was and gave him a hug to stop him crying. (He had a, bleeding, graze.)

Dad (eventually) came running over and gave me "that look" (translation: "Are you a paedophile?") before (eventually) uttering a grudging "Thank you".

Am I being unreasonable to think people are going a bit bonkers over the whole "paedo" mania?

So, you are free to parent as you wish but ... there is something a little corrosive, imo, about the whole paedo-mania thing atm.

scottishmummy · 04/10/2009 10:53

some frivolous play get misinterpreted as sinister.how sad

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/10/2009 10:54

Cherry its so sad the way this world is going

cherryblossoms · 04/10/2009 10:54

OK, LES, that's a nice balance to my post ... . And good for you.

cherryblossoms · 04/10/2009 10:55

Sorry, that was to 10:49 ... .

SolidGhoulBrass · 04/10/2009 10:55

Another vote not only that YABU but that you are damaging your child by teaching her that everyone else is the enmy.
THis is the logical conclusion of the current GOvernemnt policies where no one is to be trusted, everyone is a potential criminal and must therefore be spied on and feared all the time.

Goblinchild · 04/10/2009 10:57

Don't worry, the dad will probably talk to your good friend, discover what sort of parent you are and be very wary of any further interactions with you and yours. he may also warn other males in your circle for their own protection.
You'll be safe now.

ItIsNotUCM · 04/10/2009 10:57

I feel sorry for that poor man.

Goblinchild · 04/10/2009 10:58

I feel sorry for the OP's children.

cory · 04/10/2009 10:59

I can better that one, cherry. I grabbed hold of a toddler a few years ago, just before he stepped out into the road in front of oncoming traffic. His mother came up and snatched him away, giving me a filthy look. Because clearly the mere contaminating touch of an unknown lady is going to do him more harm that a few tonnes of metal approaching at 40mph.

Tortington · 04/10/2009 11:01

dh would interact and play with kids at a party

as would all my children aged 19,16,16.

i worry about their naivity

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/10/2009 11:03

OP, your situation /suspicion is so sad...what has made you so suspicious of every man playing with a child being a possible paedophile?

Goblinchild · 04/10/2009 11:06

My boy got used as a climbing frame by his small cousins in the park in the summer, and a couple of others joined in that were unrelated but wanted the chance to climb up and swing on an enormous teenager who didn't mind.
Good job the mother was sane.
Or I'd have told her to put them on a lead.

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 11:07

Cherry/Cory think I (well at least my mum) can do even better:

She was walking past a shopping centre and saw a toddler wandering about by herself near a VERY busy road. Looked around couldn't see anyone and figuring the child must have come from said shopping centre.

Went into to find a group of people with babies/buggies hanging around so approached an asked if the child belonged to anyone. Response was "what the fuck has it got to do with you". When my mum pointed out she'd found said child wandering around outside se was told to "fuck off before I fuckin give you one""

Nice

LynetteScavo · 04/10/2009 11:08

YABU..a bit.
I would be worried about someone I didn't know dropping my child...wouldn't even occur to me that there might be anything else going on.

valhala · 04/10/2009 11:12

Are the YABU comments on here taking into account that the OP didn't know whether the man was part of the invited group or someone totally unconnected who happened to be having a pint in a pub garden at the same time as the OPs party was taking place?

I don't think that she was BU insofar as she was doind what she instinctively thought right to protect her child. OTT, possibly - though under the above circumstances perhaps that was jutified - but not unreasonable, she's hardly an uncaring or neglectful parent.

And as for the remark that the OP is damaging her child, now that is unreasonable and OTT IMHO!

pigletmania · 04/10/2009 11:12

Sad sad sad society we live in. Sassybeast the poor man probably had to explain to the op because the society in which we live in all men really are deemed potential paedophiles unless proved otherwise. This man was not a total stranger the other guests knew him, it was done in public how the heck is he going to abuse in front of everone else.

Cherry that is so sad my goodnes what would that father rather you do just leave the child there to be picked up by a potential paedophile. Just make you wary in case you do see a lost child that you might be branded an abductor if you try to help find their parents.

Ladyeveningstar, your story just shocked me to the core, my goodness you saved that boys life if you hadent acted fast and had that instinct. I would rather do something if the child is lost or in distress like that than have that on my conscisnece that i did nothing and could have saved a childs life.

pointydoug · 04/10/2009 11:17

Re question about a woman doing this with a boy. I'd be nervous as he mighttread on my tits.

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