To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

[valhala]

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

Me? Not always right? Perish the thought!

DD is showing no sign of disgust at me though she would if she felt it, trust me! All I can say is that I need one of those rolling eyes smilies to express mild exasperation, which might have explained my original post better.

This could run and run, yet I don't think that the opposing sides will ever agree, so I guess I must just add that we all differ and each to their own. I welcome others opinions and experiences, as different as they are to mine, so long as their are not insulting, and you haven't been. Thanks for the insight into the other point of view.

Completely agree with SGB, I'm afraid, but I hope it turns ok for you.

oooo I don't know - there was post I went at after you'd said you'd spoken to the school.

Sal - that's very true that's it different these days. When I posted about it to start with I had in mind what we probably smoked when we were younger and figured that DH had been smoking quite a lot each week. But no - it was only a handful a week, quite often only 2 or 3

But agreed - we're never all going to agree (that would be so boring and kind of ruin most of the fun on MN) and I really do have other threads to post on things to do in RL.

Hope everything works out ok for the OP and her DD.

I agree with SGB and I am a person who doesn't take it lightly-I have never tried any drug and am very anti.

Your DD told you something in confidence. I think that you should have had the conversation with her-rather than ask the question on here (when I think you knew what you were going to do all along).
You should have given her all your arguments and then left it to her whether to do what you would do. As it was you made the decision and she had no choice but to go along with it.
I think you were right, and you certainly have the high moral ground, but unfortunately life isn't black and white and this has many shades of grey.
If I had been your DD I would have been deeply upset, but not told you since you are obviously a strong character, I certainly wouldn't have argued and told you that I would never give you a confidence, but it would have been very damaging-I would take great care never to tell you anything similar.
Only the other day I was having a discussion with some teenagers and they were saying -the stricter the parent the more devious the DC. I have certainly found this to be true,from observation. The parent doesn't get to see the DC when they are not there but other people do!

At 14yrs I think that you should have advised only.

Well, glad you (valhala) have clarified that you should have indicated that you weren't after suggestions (presumably when you posted on Wednesday, you had already decided that you would report it) but comments on your daughter's 'wrong attitude'.

I can see that with various teachers etc in your family, you've plenty of 'confirmation' of 'having done the right thing' but without knowing what the school's policy is (report to police immediately, perhaps?) it's less clear for an outsider to know whether it was a sensible choice. Yes, for 'always...' there's absolutely no option as it's illegal, which makes not a jot of difference to me - not been interested, not ever wanted to use drugs - because surely the question is not 'black and white' but there are millions of shades of grey, and things move with the times - the hardline approach doesn't seem to be your daughter's choice, even if it is yours, and damn the consequences for anyone who is involved, including your daughter.

Like one other, I'd really like an answer to :-

"valhala, if an adult friend advised she had a joint in her handbag? Would you 'reinforce the values which I have brought DD up with' and report her?"

I suspect that at your age, your daughter might choose to do differently, in part because of your action on contacting the school. She may not be disgusted, but may give a lot more consideration before sharing something of a 'dodgy' nature with you in future, and the more strict unwavering she considers you, the stronger the will to not divulge, IMHO.

A 14 year old's life has probably now been ruined, ie instant expulsion, criminal record etc.

Shame you didn't feel the same pressure to tell tales on your mate who bought a house with her dodgy dealings!

Valhalla-It would have been nice if you could at least have bothered to read the posts of people who have responded to you.

Of course your teacher family/friends are going to say you did the right thing.They are looking at it from a teacher's perspective , not the perspective of a young girl who is now marked out as a snitch.The sad thing is when she does suffer the fallout from all of this ,she most likely won't want to tell you because she thinks you'll wade in with your size 9 s again !

My delicate size 4's have tiptoed back this teabreak, Katiestar, and I now have time to read the responses.

So, first off, the post which accuses me of going down this road because I want to HE again is laughable.

WebDude asked: ""valhala, if an adult friend advised she had a joint in her handbag? Would you 'reinforce the values which I have brought DD up with' and report her?"

The two are not reasonably comparable - this is about making sure a 14 year old knows right from wrong, and about drugs being taken into school. It is highly unlikely that I would waste my (or Police) time reporting an adult with a single joint whose actions are going to have no impact on my DD, her upbringing or her place of education. I wasn't talking about an adult who was not in the school environment, I was talking about a kid who attends my children's school. A big difference imho.

Vev, you've unwittingly made an incorrect assumption. The friend who made the money for her house as a result of pushing was 26 when I met her. By that time the house was paid for and had been for 5 years and she had been clean for almost as long.

I know that I'm not explaining this very well, apologies ladies, in a rush, hours more work to do yet and only 3 hours sleep last night.

'I don't know where you were brought up or how old you are but can assure you that nice,middle class girls-like i was-who grew up in cities in the late 80's/early 90's were definitely smoking dope,and we were top set,grammar school children and kids of doctors/teachers/lawyers etc.' That changed quickly then - I was a teenager in the early to mid 80s and dope never crossed my radar.

As to those who are sympathising with the girl who brought the stuff into school - that is not the OPs problem. The girl brought dope (allegedly) into a school where it is forbidden. You choose to break a rule, you get caught, you get punished. End of. She may not get a record as it is presumably a first offence and may be dealt with in house, rather than referred on externally; but it is her fault, not the OPs.

Good kids DO get called into the office for lots of reasons, not just bollockings, so it isn't ime, out of the ordinary.

'The amount of do gooding people on here looking for social approval really get on my tits.....

Its a good job they are other cool ones to counteract this....'

Couldn't give a shit if you approve or not Jane - I once removed a bag of suspect white powder from a student and had her in the HoYs office before her feet touched the floor and we searched her bag and found more. It's not about 'social approval'; it's about having rules in a school to protect the majority of the kids and not breaking them. It's not only a teacher's perspective...as a parent I would want to know that there was a strong anti drugs policy in place at whichever school ds attends, and that it is upheld.

A law may be stupid and misguided, but it IS the law, and if we live in a society that has a law and we break it, then there are consequences (and yes, I've been caught speeding, and paid the fine and had the points).

Thank you Scaryteacher, you've said all that this knackered woman was struggling to, and more.

As much as anything else, I don't want my DC to go to a school where drugs are rife/turned a blind eye to/condoned/any combination of these. I won't stop it happening but I can set an example as a parent and to encourage that strong anti drugs policy which Scary speaks of.

Just for the record, DD was in the Principal's office the other day, being thanked for her part in giving first aid to an injured teacher, this must be the 3rd or 4th time she has been in there over the past 12 months, all for good reasons.

And I too went to a grammar school in the Capital, in this case during the 70s and late 80s but in mine we were not smoking dope. Quite simply it would have been 'bring pot into school and you're out', although the rule was never put into practice it never crossed our radar either.

"The girl brought dope (allegedly) into a school where it is forbidden. You choose to break a rule, you get caught, you get punished. End of. She may not get a record as it is presumably..."

True, but if there's nothing on her any other day, she wasn't 'caught' so much as 'informed on' (by the OP, told something in confidence).

I'm not dismissing it, and glad that it may not lead to her getting a record, though it might lead to her brother getting one if the school did report anything.

Heck, there's not even a suggestion that any was smoked, or any might. Just a girl showing off, maybe.

I never bothered with drink (before 16) or drugs (at all) so haven't been in a similar position with such 'prohibited' items, but remember finding one of my brother's Mayfair magazines (he was 20 years older than me, before he moved to his own flat in Hove) and took it to school for a laugh... far more interesting than English Literature, even my teacher agreed (I loved Eng Language, hated Eng Lit)! What penalty would there be for that, these days, might I ask ?

valhala I think you did the right thing.

at certain posts on here

I don't condone drugs - any of them, they bring such misery to the lives of many. As that young girl and her family may find out - such a tender age to find herself in trouble.

I find it such ashame that drugs are so much part of growing up today - dread to think what it will be like in a few years.

And drugs and their gains are illegal whatever age!!

these are 14yr olds.

Yes there are lots and lots and lots of LOVELY, sweet innocent 14yr olds around.

There are also a number of not very innocent 14yr olds around who damn well know what they're doing and try to do "their worst"

I think that you did the right thing but I still think that you did it the wrong way and you bulldozed DD into it rather than letting her take the lead. I think that the most likely result is that next time she keeps quiet.

Actually, valhala, I was more interested in when you made contact with the school to report the situation, and only queried the other point because there were long gaps between posting from you, and the other query (about whether you'd 'shop' an adult friend) was perhaps more interesting.

Interested to see that your response was to dismiss the person (still law breaking) with a joint without reporting, while this one incident (which, for all we know, would never be repeated - and there was no indication of it being smoked, for pity's sake - for all I know it could have been some out-of-the-ordinary tobacco) seems to you to be the start of a slippery slope... yet your immediate reaction was disappointment your DD hadn't considered it significant enough to report to the school.

That's double standards, if you would ignore it in everyday life, despite your apparently strong wish for your daughter to act, because of the dangers and your relative as a specific example.