To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

[valhala]

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

and although I've still to get answers to "how much/how often" I know it wasn't very regular as he's hardly been out of the house in recent mnths, and only for short spaces of time, and when I've gone out it's not been for long either (and usually leaving him at home with at least one DS - one of which clings to him like glue when he's here so not much opportunity to nip into the garden for a quick one.

My articulate, confident, gentle DH turned into an at times uncoherent, totally paranoid and on that one occasion brutally violent man by "just a bit of dope".

I never thought I'd see the day when I was so strongly against the stuff, haven't smoked it myself since I was a teenager (and he used to frown on me greatly when I smoked it at parties we went to) but had always thought "well you know that chances of those horrible side effects happening are so slime that if people want to smoke the odd one here and there so what".

Was definitely "it'll never happen to me/us" thing but the thing I've learned is that well actually it might only be a small number of semi-regular/occasional users that it happens to - but it can be you it happens to but you won't know until it's too late.

Having tried to teach a lad who was nearly always stoned; dope does make life difficult and lessons dispruptive. Having dope in schools means that there are dealers around, and these are not nice people. It's not 'just' pot they're dealing either.

There is a zero tolerance policy for a good reason. It's like any other school rule - you break it and you get caught, you get punished in some way.

this thread reminds me why I never bothered telling my mother some of the things I saw going on at school...

Quite, MrsB.

She told you, which is good. If you force her to tell the school, then I would expect that she won't tell you next time. If I was 14yrs and my mother put me in that position then I would certainly stop telling her anything! It is much better to keep you lines of communication open for the future.

The sad thing is, the situation shows a great deal between the op and her dd. I doubt the girl with the pot has such a great relationship with her mother.

That great relationship offers the op's dd a lot of protection and strength in the face of drugs in school. If that relationship is undermined by the op acting behind the dd's back or against her wishes, it will likely never be the same again and that degree of protection and strength will be removed.

I really think the op needs to keep on parenting HER child well and fostering a relationship with open communication, and let the school and the other girl's mum deal with her in their own time - because if there is a serious problem, it will become apparent quickly enough.

Very sensible Carmen.

That should read 'a great deal of trust between the op and her dd'

I wouldn't report the 'specific' incident. There really is no point, IME it will have been smoked by now and even if she did still have it on her she would certainly get rid of it before she had a chance to be searched/caught. Plus she will not have been advertising school wide that she is carrying drugs it is more than likely that a handful of people know and it won't be too difficult to work out who.

I would phone and report that you had heard rumours of drugs in her year and let the head take over from there.

I think your daughter has done well to tell you. If you rebuke her for not reporting the incident it will probably be the last time she takes you into her confidence. Which, when she faces the far greater challenges in her life, could have tragic results.

I used to be very laid back about dope and had the classic recreational habits of us old dears who had our wildest years in the early 70s. Although it is worth noting that dope being far, far less strong back then.

I was relatively tolerant about the likelihood of my own dss smoking spliffs too but everyone got the nasty shock of their lives when one of their best friends boiled his brains at 17. He now alternates between cabbage like and psychotically cabbage like. For all that, I wouldn't have expected my children to grass on fellow pupils. Things have a nasty way of being less anonymous than they should.

one thing i forgot to say, what do you hope to acheive by telling the school, you thin they dont already know. all this fussy you probably tell the school and they say yes we are aware and dealing with it.
I think you are giving this far too much thought, be thankful of the relationship you have with your daughter.

If im honest i dont think the school will give a shit.

YABU Do you want seven shades of the proverbial kicked out of your little girl ?
If you feel so strongly report it to the school anonymously.

I can understand (though I may have missed a post or two in my scan through this thread) where a number of people are coming from on 'it's not comparable with alcohol, it's illegal, and it could lead to worse, or be damaging in itself'

As a non-smoker, it would not appeal, and as someone who saw an acquaintance quit a college course because he 'experimented' I've never had any great urge to try, esp given the lack of any quality control unlike food, booze, etc.

I think that having been told, it's not really an area where you want to 'bury your head' but any contact with the school could put dd at risk because if she is accused of talking about it, she is perhaps going to simply blush and then trust and discussion of anything may stop once 'the snitch' walks into a room. To effectively 'put her in Coventry' might be the outcome (at the mildest), anything worse is up to your imagination/ locality.

I know the concern about this leading onto worse, but it's not as if dd has tried any, has she? If you hear of coke etc, then it would be time to anonymously contact the school, but for now, I'd drop it.

Do you really want to build a barrier against dd, making her concerned she cannot talk openly about anything you might deem 'unsuitable'?

Certainly ask her from time to time if drugs are a problem among her peers, but take this further at your peril. She knows what 'feels' right, and making a big issue of it could backfire on you, unfortunately.

Thank you all for your input. It seems to me that opinions fall on one side or the other, for different reasons - i.e. DDs relationship with me and safety vs doing the right thing and sending out the right messages. ALL your advice and comments have been taken on board and are valuable and I am grateful to you all for taking the time to give your opinions and experiences.

My primary concern was not cannabis in school, which happens everywhere, but whether I should reinforce the values which I have brought DD up with, in this case that drugs are dangerous and that something which is IMHO as serious and potentially damaging to the individual concerned and to the wider community should be dealt with appropriately. By the same token I am sure that you have all taught your DC that stealing is wrong and that it should be reported and equally we would all report an assault to the authorities. Its about teaching DD right from wrong and not encouraging turning a blind eye to it.

After much thought I have reported the problem to the school, who called DD in to a senior staff member's office and who obtained the name of the girl concerned. They (rightly IMHO) told DD that she would be in the wrong and in trouble if she refused to give the name.

The school have emailed me to thank me for drawing the situation to their attention and assured me that it will be dealt with. They told DD that they will be speaking to the girl and searching her bag and pockets etc. Here I must say that DD was not the only child aware of the fact that the girl had cannabis in her possession so DD is not alone in being the possible informant.

In view of the fears expressed by posters that DD could be at risk from her peers for doing the right thing I came to the conclusion that a school which would allow my DD to be bullied/ostracised/hurt by her peers for behaving according to the school's rules and the law is not worthy of her. Should DD or her little sister suffer as a result of this I will have no hesitation in removing them both from the school and home ed-ing again, despite the difficulties this will cause me.

Again, thank you all, your views have been helpful and enlightening.

How has your dd reacted?

Tell your DD how proud you are of her for confiding in you about this. Praise her for her mature attitude towards right and wrong and for not being shallow enough to give in to peer pressure that said that this sort of behaviour is normal. You did a good job bringing her up, she is a credit to you. Let her know that.

Then discuss with her what you should do with this information. Suggest that you make a call to the school alerting them, anonymously, to the fact that they may have a drug problem. Explain to her, and understand yourself, that schools have so much to do that, unless they are on the lookout for certain problems, things can slip through the net. I'm sure the school will maintain anonymity and be glad of the heads up.

Look at it this way; I had a form group of 28 student (I'm going to round it up to 30 for ease of maths). I saw them for 15 mins every day - that's 75 mins a week. Or 2.5 minutes per child per week to spot a change in behaviour that could signal abuse, drugs, pregnancy or bullying. And that's without the time I need to spend actually doing the register, reading notices and other form teacher duties. Any other time I saw pupils was to teach a lesson - another demand on my time that would prevent me from noticing potential problems. However, if I had been told that there was a drug problem in school I would have been alerted to it, watching for symptoms/evidence and therefore more likely to spot it. It needs reporting. And your DD needs a reward for showing how trustworthy she is

Carman, she came home angry with me last night - she's a teenager, they do that, she'll get over it. I just took a firm and consistant stand. I told her that I did the right thing and would expect her too, and that I fully supported the school.

Her strop was over very soon, within five minutes she was back to her old self, winding her sister up and asking what was for dinner!

Fucking hell, your poor DD. She will now never tell you anything again, and it will serve you right.

i disagree sgb, i think she will confide again. as valhala has said, she has been bought up with theese standards so what did she realy expect her mum to do, and given time she will see it was the right thing to do.

well done valhala and dd.

".. it will serve you right"?

Get a grip, this isn't the playground.

Nice you know my DD so much better than me Solid. Even my ex-husband (her absent father) isn't that arrogant to presume he knows my child.

As I said, she'll get over it, her world has not collapsed, life goes on.

Leaving the ins and outs of your decision to one side for a minute...

Looking back through the thread, you've come across as rather dismissive of your daughter's feelings and opinions.
You say 'after much thought' you reported it to the school - did you dicuss with DD what you were planning to do?
You say if there are repercussions from your actions, you will remove DD and home-school her - what does she think about that?
And then you dismiss her anger, saying 'she'll get over it'?
If someone I loved did that to me, I guess I'd feel, well, hurt. Ignored. A bit betrayed too, I imagine. How do you think you would feel?

And everyone will know who was Called Into The Office the day before X had her bag and desk searched, these things get around.

I cannot understand why you didn't do this anonymously.

I hope your dd gets through this ok.

i really think you have been very very naive. You should have reported it anonymously and left your poor DD out of it.