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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

166 replies

valhala · 30/09/2009 22:50

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

OP posts:
vickiadele · 02/10/2009 13:01

I think you did the right thing in the long run, just be on your toes with bullying, tell her to ring you if the other kids start on her and collect her asap, i was once trapped in a classroom with a teacher cos of people trying to beat the crap out of me, the school did nothing and i legged it with no GCSE's. I'd hate for your dd's to go through what i did

3littlefrogs · 02/10/2009 13:21

Anonymously would have been so much wiser.

Pikelit · 02/10/2009 13:37

I get the impression (and correct me if I am wrong) that you'd rather be home educating her again anyway. This has provided the perfect opportunity because your daughter WILL be identified as the sneak and life won't be at all pleasant at school. I'm not suggesting this is acceptable, incidentally, but neither would I report confidences without getting the permission of the child who had confided.

thesecondcoming · 02/10/2009 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 02/10/2009 14:46

Kids get called into the office for all sorts of reasons from getting a bollocking to asking where their homework is. It could be for a myriad of reasons. As long as the school leave it a week or so and check other bags besides this girl, then there won't be a problem, and believe it or not, teachers do have at least a modicum of common sense!

I think Valhala was right to tell the school. wee done you.

scaryteacher · 02/10/2009 14:46

Sorry - should have been well done you.

CarmenSanDiego · 02/10/2009 15:30

Wow. We have very different definitions of 'doing the right thing'

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 02/10/2009 16:04

No, good kids don't get called into the office... The OP's daughter doesn't sound like she's often in line for bollockings.

katiestar · 02/10/2009 16:11

and how many of the 'druggie's' peers were called in immediately before.

piscesmoon · 02/10/2009 16:33

You may well have done the right thing but, if I was 14yrs old, I would have found it all extremely difficult and I am afraid that I would never confide in my mother again. (I expect that morally I shouldn't but I was a very shy 14yr old and I would have suffered agonies over it). It is done now, but I think it was far more important to keep your DD communicating with you.

KembleTwins · 02/10/2009 17:42

OP, I think you have totally done the right thing, and am quite sure that your relationship with your daughter will not suffer. I think posters on here who say that you have done the wrong thing, that your DD is bound to be bullied/driven out of school/have her head flushed down the loo are being childish and hideously over-dramatic.

Your DD sounds mature and sensible, and I agree with the poster who suggested you should make sure that she knows how proud you are of her over this matter.

I would like to think that I would have done exactly the same in your shoes and am, frankly, bemused by the stance of others who encouraged you to not report it on the grounds that your DD would suffer or that your relationship with her would be damaged.

MrsBadger · 02/10/2009 18:12

I was ten when my overdeveloped moral sense got the better of my social awareness. I tried to be as discreet as possible and total confidentiality was assured by all parties.

Eight, eight, years later one of the girls concerned wrote in my leavers' yearbook 'I don't bear st, you're real great etc but don't worry about staying in touch'.

My stomach still plunges at the thought of the fear I lived in.

I wish your dd all the luck in the world.

MrsBadger · 02/10/2009 18:13

sorry, 'I dont bear grudges, you're real great'

piscesmoon · 02/10/2009 19:11

It doesn't have anything to do with fear of bullying-head pushed down the loo etc! I was a very shy 14yr old and I would have hated the position it put me in. I am not being over dramatic-I am just stating a fact-if my mother had done that to me I would have never told her anything about school again. Hopefully your DD is a different character.

WebDude · 02/10/2009 19:12

Hmmmmm, so 8 years later, she was happy to remind you how it was far from forgotten, MrsB.

Re valhala posting 02-Oct-09 01:01

"After much thought I have reported the problem to the school"

Just out of interest, how early on Thursday did you contact them ?

MrsBadger · 02/10/2009 19:32

exactly, webdude

it didn't ever 'blow over'

WebDude · 02/10/2009 19:42

Don't know if they even did leavers books at my school - I left at 16 to go off to a radio and radar course, while the bulk of my year went on for A levels.

When I came back (having seen prospects for getting the 6-month probationary period disappear when Supertankers were being built) they were away in their first year of university, and I was getting a full-time job... No contact after that...

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 19:44

well done OP I think you've done the right thing. I see no reason why the OP's daughter would never confide in her.

And I ask those of you who think she shouldn't have reported it.

What if the DD have come home and said

"someone at school carries a knife at school"

"saw someone at school beating up/assaulting someone"

"saw someone stealing >>"

do you still think nothing should be said - or is it because it's dope involved and it's everywhere and nothing can be done?

I had horrendous problems at school with bullying and people making my life hell (nothing to do with grassing people up) - I like to think that the majority of schools have developed much better ways of dealing with sensitive issues than they used to.

Also - part of raising children is that sometimes we do things that they don't like or don't agree with.

It sounds like the OP has a good relationship with her daughter (I never told my parents anything about anything) so there's no real reason I can see that the DD is going to suddenly stop confiding. It's part of life - sometimes people do things we don't like.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 19:52

in fact - what if the OP's DD hadn't come home and said about the dope.

What if she'd come home and said she was being bullied, but really mum don't do anything about it or it'll only get worse.

What should she do then???

Contact the school and risk it getting worse - or leave it?

You can't win with kids - but we can teach them a social conscience - something which is frequently lacking in the world these days.

janess404 · 02/10/2009 19:55

Stupid cow, glad you're not my mother............

The amount of do gooding people on here looking for social approval really get on my tits.....

Its a good job they are other cool ones to counteract this....

Well done OP hope you feel really proud of yourself

janess404 · 02/10/2009 19:59

It would not surprise me if this never actually happened and this thread was all for attention making you feel important for 5 minutes,

Instead of posting on here perhaps you and your daughter should of discussed this together.

sherby · 02/10/2009 20:03

Children are not stupid they WILL know that your daughter was called in. And also if you have drugs in school you don't generally tend to advertise it, I am willing to bet my last dollar that there was only a handful of people who knew about it.

I hope that you are ready for the fallout cause I think you are about to have a far worse situation that a bit of weed in school to deal with.

I can't understand what you gained from not doing it anonymously?

Original poster
valhala · 02/10/2009 20:18

Yes Janess I am. I disagree with some of the views here but so far I haven't resorted to personal insult. That makes me the better person IMO.

I decided that daughter should continue to be taught the values of honesty and decency. I wouldn't expect her to cover up for friends who stole or who committed acts of violence. I don't expect her to cover up for those who bring drugs into school either. Simple as that.

The only person here who knows my daughter is me. So far she has overcome, with bravery and maturity, far worse things than those put forward by some posters here. She is not traumatised, she is the same girl she was last week. She is still talking to me, still trusting me. She doesn't need a PC, "handle her with kid gloves" response, she needs to be set a good example. Its my job... my duty to her... as her parent to give that.

I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
valhala · 02/10/2009 20:21

Janess - that is I am proud that I did the right thing.

As for whether this is a made-up scenario, you're wrong I'm afraid. Not my style, I'm in my 40s not 4.

OP posts:
alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 20:23

janes - so people who keep information about illegal stuff to themselves are cool are they

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