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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

166 replies

valhala · 30/09/2009 22:50

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

valhala · 30/09/2009 23:51

Agreed BitOfFun. An friend of mine was such a child and having gone from dope to coke got herself in a terrible position which could have ended in disaster. It was only the death of one of her pals, due to drugs, which turned her away from it. She is now in her 30s and one of the most kind, decent and good women on this earth but what she went through as a youngster was horrendous, most of the time she was out of it and scared shitless and it nearly killed her too.

All this was despite the fact that she came from a very comfortably off, educated, loving, stable family with a strong sense of faith and respect for others. They have no idea to this day that their daughter bought her house on the proceeds of the coke she sold, a venture which she originally got into in order to pay off her drug debts.

On a lighter note, now that its all behind her we do snigger when my stepfather tells me how she has managed to own the house through her hard work and what a great example she is!!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2009 23:54

I don't smoke dope myself (though have occasionally done so) so I'm not evangelising for its use. But all those people clamouring for Action and Informing Authority because dope leads to Reefer Madness and Bad Stuff: do you harangue your DC about the burger they ate with a friend being part of a continuum of animal cruelty, deforestation etc? Do you nag about the child labour and slavery endemic in the fashion industry when they come home with a new pair of Nikes? Or is it just that dope is ILLLEEEEEEGGALLL and you have a dumb unquestioning faith in authority always knowing best?
If the OP is misguided enough to ring the school and say 'My DD tells me that someone in her year has dope, but she won't give me the name.' the school may well say, 'Thank you Ms Valhala, we will handle it sensitively' and then they will either call your DD into the head's office and interrogate her or announce to the school that A Concerned Parent has reported the possession of dope so everyone's going to be strip-searched and kept in at break until the culprit owns up. And then they'll forget about handling it sensitively and say that DD is a credit to her form for having grassed, and she will have her head flushed down the loo twice a day for the rest of her school life. Meanwhile, the girl who had the dope will have got rid of it and she and her mates will deny all knowledge and say they made it up to tease your gullible DD...

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2009 23:55

Valahala, but doesn't your post just illustrate that for a lot of people, drug use is something they do when younger and then stop doing, and there is no lasting harm?

alwayslookingforanswers · 30/09/2009 23:56

no I don't have a "dumb unquestioning faith in authority always knowing best?"

I have personal, terrifying real life experience of the negative side effects of it.

As I said - if you'd asked me 2 weeks ago I would have answered very differently.

Monty100 · 30/09/2009 23:58

'It was only the death of one of her pals that turned her away from it'

WTF?

Original poster

valhala · 01/10/2009 00:01

"do you harangue your DC about the burger they ate with a friend being part of a continuum of animal cruelty"

Well yes SolidGoldBrass, I would... we are vegetarians on moral grounds!

Its not that dope is illegal, its that it is damaging. To take an animal out of a lab is illegal too but I would have no hesitation in doing so on the basis of the cruelty aspect.

As previously home ed children mine are also aware of such things as child labour and so on - this is about knowing right from wrong and not condoning dangerous practices with far reaching consequences imho and not about making a stand because I am blindly following rules and regulations.

OP posts:

Monty100 · 01/10/2009 00:02

Phone the school anonymously {sp}? of needs be.

Yes, there are very negative effects from smoking dope.

Always knows. lots of us know.

One day, you might even know.

Original poster

valhala · 01/10/2009 00:03

Solid, in fairness, I have given experineces from BOTH sides... not just my pal, who came out alright in the end, but also my relative, who hasn't and who probably never will.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 01/10/2009 00:04

It is perfectly easy to drop an anonymous warning to the school that perhaps they should be keeping a look out. It is an ongoing problem in every secondary school in the country. Doesn't mean it should be condoned or ignored.

Original poster

valhala · 01/10/2009 00:05

Pray to goodness that none of us ever will know Monty, but I do see what you mean.

OP posts:

Monty100 · 01/10/2009 00:08

Val, and so do I.

Peace everyone.

for those who never lived to tell the tale.

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/10/2009 00:10

I truly hope you don't either Valhala

Sleep well all, I'm off to see if I can catch any shut eye tonight.

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2009 00:11

I agree with SGB and BOF.

I think you should be really, really proud of your daughter - that she felt she could confide in you and trust you with this.

I think you should talk to her about what she would like you to do and what you want to do.

I really wouldn't report it unless she wants you to. It's not your problem or hers. You don't know the name of the girl involved. It's good that your daughter isn't doing it and told you about it.

If you report it, you're undermining your daughter's trust and it will impact on your future relationship. It might also be traced back to her and get her bullied or ostracised which is really unfair when she's been brave enough to talk about this.

If there is a real drug problem at the school as opposed to a misjudged one-off, the authorities will pick up on it sooner or later and it will be dealt with.

I'd just use it as a learning opportunity for both of you to build your relationship and talk about drugs.

Monty100 · 01/10/2009 00:11

Night Always.
x

Original poster

valhala · 01/10/2009 00:12

Goodnight Always and thank you. I hope that tomorrow dawns brighter for you and yours.

Monty, thank you too and I echo your comment.

OP posts:

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2009 00:13

Someone very close to me died of alcohol abuse. I don't freak out every time someone has a drink and I still drink occasionally. But it makes me wary of abusing it.

The problem with marijuana is some people feel that ANY use is abuse. I disagree.

Monty100 · 01/10/2009 00:16

Night val and everyone.

Sleep tight and hold on to those you love. In whatever way you can.

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/10/2009 00:18

Carman - it doesn't have to be daily/really frequent use to cause problems. A social joint here, then a socail joint there, then you have one or two on your own, then you smoke it a couple of times a week then you develop psychosis caused by it, then life threatening stuff happens because of the hallucination. Sounds like a scare story doesn't it, doesn't really happen to "normal" people, that only have a spliff now and again. All scaremongering to try and stop teenagers dabbling, or adults using it occasionally.

It's not - it really does happen and it's fucking terrifying.

Monty100 · 01/10/2009 00:22

And deathly sometimes.

Sorry everyone. But some of us have seen it.

I'm really going to bed now you'll be glad to hear.

Nytol. lol.

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2009 00:24

Always, you could substitute drink for joint and the story would be the same.

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/10/2009 00:33

no my story wouldn't be the same, I know he could drink and not be paranoid, psychotic, hallucinating, delusional, you're more likely to suffer from those things from dope than you are from alcohol.

You buy a bottle of vodka at the shop - you know what it is, you know how "pure" it is, you buy dope off a man on the street corner and you don't know what type it is (or what else is in it).

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2009 00:52

Oh, I don't know. My mother had a social drink here, then a social drink there. Then she had one or two on her own. Then she drank a couple of times a week. Then she developed psychosis, then life threatening stuff happens... then she dies!

Yep.

I get your point about the purity, but imo the danger is very similar.

Of course, I wouldn't be happy about children drinking in school either, but again, I probably wouldn't tell my child to complain because another child had a can of beer in her bag.

SomeGuy · 01/10/2009 03:33

IME the kids being grassed up for dope possession are MUCH more likely to have their lives ruined over the punishment for possession than the consquences of the drug itself.

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/10/2009 04:02

ok- shall I be more precise for you - just to make it clear what "life threatening stuff" means to me, why I KNOW that my story (as in my post that you said I could just swap dope for alcohol) is what happens - it means being strangled, so hard that you lose conciousness - and it happening like a bolt out of the blue in a psychotic episode. It meant having the very life and soul ripped out of our family from nowhere. It's meant my precious DS's come home from school to see daddy packing a bag, not knowing what was going on, and leaving them, particualrly the oldest one (as it was his birthday the following day), absolutely distraught.

I knew the devastation that alcohol can cause - and I don't drink it often, I didn't want to believe the damage the dope which is illegal could cause, it was all scaremongering and really the odd spliff here or there wasn't going to hurt anyone........

CarmenSanDiego · 01/10/2009 04:27

I'm very sorry for your experience, always. That's awful

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