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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

166 replies

valhala · 30/09/2009 22:50

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/10/2009 20:46

I wonder what some of you pro-grassing smuggos would do if your teenagers confided in you that they had broken the law on ethical grounds? Or indeed broken a law that was a stupid and misguided law in the first place?
'Right and wrong' are not remotely identical counterparts to 'legal and illegal' and one thing we should all be teaching DC is how to work out the difference.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 20:49

well given the number of people who keep their mouth shut about illegal stuff they know is happening around them obviously some people have never been taught.

Would you response have been different SGB if it was a knife, or she saw the girl attack someone, or stealing, or scratching cars? Or if she'd come home and said she was being bullied - but don't tell the school mum.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/10/2009 21:09

Well actually Always, there is a difference between having a small amount of dope and pulling a knife on someone/stealing/bullying. Moderate cannibis use is not inherently wrong, bullying and stealing are.
Your experiences have understandably affected your view of dope smoking, but it is simply not true that everyone, or even the majority of people, who smoke a bit of dope in their teens, will end up violently mentally ill.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 21:24

cannabis is illegal - or at least it was last time I checked.

And I said "had a knife" not pulled it on someone -

Anyhow - it's done now - she's reported it.

I'm outta here........maybe a drink.......or maybe not as I haven't eaten today

piscesmoon · 02/10/2009 21:56

The great disadvantage is that you will never know what she doesn't tell you. You have no way of knowing if she agrees with you to your face but quietly resolves to keep quiet in future.

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 22:09

I'm gobsmacked - it was £5 worth of dope, for god's sake.

You ask what values you would be teaching your daughter to ignore it, and I wonder what you would advise if she was at uni (where she will encounter dope, and worse, every day). Tell the lecturers? Call the police? These lessons are not workable and, more importantly, will make her dreadfully unhappy. She trusts you, and you are not advising her well.

Squishabelle · 02/10/2009 22:16

God help your daughter IF the girl who had the dope is from a 'certain type' of family. Cant believe you would put her at risk.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 22:24

I think University - where you're talking about adults (ok some probably not very mature - but that's beside the point) and school children is quite different.

Of course in this case it belonged to the girls older brother but the potential for 11yr olds to get their hands on it/be exposed to it is there.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 02/10/2009 22:37

Can I just ask again, valhala... if one of your friends or family had broken your confidence like this when you had asked them not to, how would you feel?

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 22:47

But the OP is talking about values, Always, which implies (to me) that they would remain constant, regardless of age.

Which raises another question - what would you do, valhala, if an adult friend advised she had a joint in her handbag? Would you "reinforce the values which I have brought DD up with" and report her?

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 22:50

That poor other girl. I imagine she found the dope in her brother's room, and took it into school to look edgy. She hadn't used it, or threatened to, judging by your post.

And now she is in serious trouble, and will have to make the impossible decision whether or not to grass her brother.

You have done a very bad, very thoughtless thing, OP.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 22:52

ah well I guess that makes it ok then

When you have a teenager and they sneak a bottle of vodka into school just to show off all they'll deserve is a little slap on the wrist I guess.

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 22:57

What on earth would you suggest they be punished with, Always? These are 14 year olds, not toddlers.

Pikelit · 02/10/2009 22:57

If sneaking a bottle of vodka into school is all one's teenager does, one may well have been rather lucky.

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 23:01

what an odd question about punishing them. I haven't yet got teenagers (but I still vividly remember being one ) but I'm sure the punishments for misdemeanours will still exist - just in a different format.

Pikelit · 02/10/2009 23:02

It's the betrayal of a confidence that I find the most unreasonable. Trust should be an entirely reliable quality in the parent\child relationship.

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 23:04

It's a question you raised, Always, with your slap on the wrist comment.

I raised the point about this other girl as an aside, because she is more than likely a decent girl, not a bad-family drug-addled bad 'un.

The point stands, though. She may end up with a criminal record. Do you think that's right?

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 23:05

I always rather assumed that senior schools also had school rules, and ways for dealing with breaking them. Would have thought that taking illegal drugs into school would have been covered by one - obviously I'm wrong.

And you'll all be really chilled out about it if your 11 or 12yr old (the age I believe they are when they start in YR7) child comes home and tells you that someone had some dope at school, or even better you find out that they were offered some.

Whatever floats your boat I guess.

But I tell you what - if I'd tried to sneak a bottle of vodka (or dope) into school my school and my parents would have been down on me like a ton of bricks.

DreamsInBinary · 02/10/2009 23:07

But your dd is 14.

I really am interested, what would you do if your friend had a joint in her bag?

alwayslookingforanswers · 02/10/2009 23:07

well you learn something new everyday - I had no idea that it would be considered so normal for a 14yr old girl to be carrying a bit of dope around with her

Damn - when I was at school it was the "bad" 'uns that did that sort of thing.

thesecondcoming · 03/10/2009 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alwayslookingforanswers · 03/10/2009 00:27

I was a teenager in the 90's.

Yes a few people smoke dope (and took worse) - but they were, ermm, how to put it nicely, the brats in the school and only one of them ever brought any into school.

Actually I can see the bigger picture.

Schools have rules - most (I would hope ) have a rule that would incorporate not having dope in school.

Dope is also illegal

These are children we are talking about carrying this stuff around (I'm still very that it's the brothers.........didn't we all say that things we shouldn't have had belonged to someone else?? ) - children as young as 11 (obviously will turn 12 during this school year).

There is nothing to say that if she brought it in once that she won't bring it in again, other children could get their hands on it.

Please note CHILDREN - not adults who. If adults want to carry dope into places they shouldn't have it (ok they shouldn't have it anywhere - but there are some places that carry the stuff is probably a worse idea than others - you know - if one of the teachers at the OP's school was overheard to say she had a spliff in her handbag at work eyebrows would be raised ).

I don't buy the "she'll never tell you anything again" line. I don't believe there's a single teen out there that doesn't hide something from their parents.

The OP also didn't say that she'd promised her DD that she wouldn't tell the school. just that they'd disagreed over it (pretty normal for parents and teenagers to disagree non?)

Original poster
valhala · 03/10/2009 00:42

Not read all the posts since my last, but as interesting as others opinions are, my original post wasn't one seeking advice though I appreciated some of that which was given - indeed, all, as long as it is polite, no matter how critical.

Perhaps I should have phrased it something like "Arghh! Given that I have brought DD up a certain way all her life and provided reasons for doing so as well as examples of the consequences of drug taking/possession, AIBU to expect my (at the time) stroppy DD to fecking well take it on board and to act according to the morals she has been reared with for the past 14 years? Has an alien just replaced my DD or what?!"

More a case of "Is the question too difficult dear DD?" than "What to do?".

Just fyi, a bit more food for thought... I have several teachers and a Headmaster within my family (both sides, which are very different anyway, from a 25 year old from 3000 miles away teaching in a UK comp, to a 56 year old in a public school and seemingly everything inbetween. Of the 5 I have spoken to on the matter, all of them think that I am not being unreasonable (and knowing my family they'd have no hesitation in being honest if they thought otherwise).

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 03/10/2009 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2009 01:16

Valhala, your DD is a person. She is not an object or a pet you have trained. She doesn;t have to agree with you about everything. She is, in fact, fully entitled to reject your values.
Also, she is 14 and YABVVVU to expect her to be entirely obedient and compliant, she's old enough to know that Mummy is not always right.
She's also entiteld to be disgusted with your breach of her confidence, your officiousness, and the trouble you have caused her when she HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.