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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be crying because I think DP is going to buy me a new laptop for my birthday

140 replies

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 13:35

Our little boy was born 3 weeks ago and he is amazing. We had IVF so it's all been quite a long journey. DP was not wildly keen to go ahead, I had to pretty much railroad him into it, which caused some resentment during the pregnancy, although of course he did sign up to it fully.
So, now he's been born and we're both so in love with him - last week we registered him (with DP's surname).

I really want us to be married for lots of reasons - mainly for the vows but also so we all share the same name. I don't care at all about the wedding itself.

DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.

It is my birthday in two weeks and not having mentioned the m word for ages, I had really built my hopes up.

He has just asked me if I would like a new laptop for my birthday.

I don't want a laptop, I can buy myself a bloody laptop, I want a ring.

I'm in floods

OP posts:
diddl · 30/09/2009 13:38

Ooh!!
I´d love a laptop of my very own-especially in pink!

But if it´s not what you want, of course YANBU.

Dizzyclarebear · 30/09/2009 13:40

Well, my DH proposed without a ring. By the time we'd sorted one out he actually picked it up on 23rd December that year, however I still got an ipod for that Christmas.

An engagement ring is a gift for your engagement. A laptop would be a gift for your birthday. Stop crying.

(But if he hasn't asked by Christmas, ask him yourself, go the whole hog on bended knee etc)

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 30/09/2009 13:40

Firstly congratulations on your baby

Please don't be upset and doubt your DP's love for you. You have just had a baby, the biggest upheaval of your lives, and although your heart is set on marriage, it just may not be what he's thinking about now. It doesn't mean he doesn't adore you and your son.

He is right to say that if you keep badgering him, then when/if he does propose it won't feel like the decision was his.

Give him time and focus your energy on your new family x

FatFree · 30/09/2009 13:43

No one wants to be forced into doing something they are not ready for so give the poor guy some slack!

And anyway you can now MN on the move!

Original poster
Clovissa · 30/09/2009 13:43

I'd be happy to get the proposal without the ring, frankly, I just want him to understand that I don't want to get married because it's what's expected, or because I'm all traditional or something, but because I want him to say those things to me in front of me and give us all the same name like a proper family.
I'll never propose to him - I feel so angry I feel like leaving him except I couldn't take his little boy away now.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 30/09/2009 13:47

Congrats on the new baby

I think if your DP's asked you not to go on about marriage, understands your feelings on the matter and wants to be able to propose in his own time you need to respect that, and not get all upset every birthday/anniversary/Christmas/Valentine's Day/any other occasion that he might normally buy you a present. If/when he is ready to propose he will do so and you can't assume that because you haven't mentioned it for a while and it happens to be your birthday coming up that he'll do it then. It would be a shame if he realised that any present he buys you at the moment is going to disappoint you because it isn't an engagement ring, no matter how much thought/expense he might put into it.

If you railroaded him into IVF treatment I imagine he does want to make this decision in his own time and not feel guilted into it by you building your hopes up every special occasion. I think if I were him I probably wouldn't do it on a special occasion as I would want it to be a nice surprise rather than any kind of expectation or disappointment if it doesn't happen.

A laptop sounds like a lovely present

flowerybeanbag · 30/09/2009 13:48

You feel like leaving him?!

solteraconhijos · 30/09/2009 13:49

This is a subject close to my heart.

I think you should say to him that you will stop mentioning getting married, but that not mentioning it is wholly conditional on being engaged by a certain date.

To be honest, you lost your bargaining position when you put his name on the birth cert and gave your baby its father's name. That's not a criticism. I made the same mistake because I didn't realise at the time it was a mistake. I didn't realise I would have to back my children's father in to corner to make me marry him.

He never did as it turns out, but now I am happy about that. That's another thread! BUT.. you must lay down some ground rules.

If he has everything already, son with his name, woman at home playing wife, then he won't want to change things.

I'm sorry to say that I believe there IS a certain kind of man who exploits our dependency, instead of rushing to cherish their sons' mother. I am not cynical. I think this kind of man is in the minority (after children). I was unlucky. I got one of these. He didn't value me or appreciate me.

The end of the story is a fucked off. He said from time to time, if you're not happy, leave. So I did. I took my children with his name and I moved on and I'm so happy I didn't put up with crap. Because if somebody doesn't value you just after you've had their child, then it doesn't bode well for the future.

Good luck. If you want him, I hope it works out in the end. If it turns out that he won't marry you, never be afraid to walk away and start again. A lot of married women imagine being single is so miserable and lonely. I never found it as bad as being undervalued!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/09/2009 13:50

YAB a bit U

I agree with flowery. Give him a bit of space.

(My DH said that he would have proposed to me earlier than he did, but he couldn't get in there between me proposing to him whenever I was very drunk .....)

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 30/09/2009 13:51

Do you really want him to propose because you want it rather than it being what he wants? Wouldn't it feel hollow?

I understand you want him to want it. But being angry at him will just build resentment in your relationship. Cant you value you relationship and his commitment for what it right now?

TheBalladofGayTony · 30/09/2009 13:53

your baby is v. young so you are both bound to be a bit crazed about the whole thing.

he is obviously committed to you both having been through ivf with you.

stop crying and start looking online at nice laptops!

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 13:54

This is so similar to something that happened to me Id found out I was pregnant, I had a special birthday coming up and id dropped hints and spoken at legnth about wanting to get married.be proposed to. I was so so so disappointed when I didnt get a ring for my birthday. It actually spoilt my brithday.

Then, a few months later, when I forced myself to stop thinking about it, he did propose, I wasnt expecting it and I was so so happy.

So I guess my advice is, just wait. YOu dont want a forced proposal. if he wants to do it, let him do it in his time. Men can be stubborn wee things!

Buda · 30/09/2009 13:54

Do what I did and just book the wedding! No proposal.

I would leave it for now. He has said he wants to do it in his own good time. So trust him on that. He may have something in mind. He may not and he may want it to be spontaneous. Please don't ruin the lovely time you are having now with your baby by hankering after a proposal. Just wait and be patient.

It is a big adjustment to have IVF and a baby (been there, done that!) so just enjoy this time. But don't build every event like birthday, Xmas, Valentines etc up into a possible disappointment and tension point.

wannaBe · 30/09/2009 13:54

Why would any man want to marry a woman who is using emotional blackmail to get what she wants?

Sorry but I think yabu. If he wants to marry you then it should be what he wants too. But tbh talk of leaving him because he won't give in to your tears and tantrums would put me right off if I were a man, sorry.

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 13:55

Poor bugger! You want to leave him because he won't be nagged into marrying you

If he read this I think he's be the one leaving.

cyteen · 30/09/2009 13:56

I think that after the long, intense process you have been through (relationship-testing discussions about whether to have a child, IVF, pregnancy and birth, meeting your child and feeling totally bowled over by your hormones), you are fixating on one fairly random thing as a way to let the great big soup of emotions come pouring out.

I had something similar for at least 8 weeks after my son was born - I was all over the shop.

You've got enough on your plate just now without having to sort out marriage plans, so just try and enjoy your lovely new baby.

A very gentle YABU, and congratulations

bigchris · 30/09/2009 13:57

you are bith going through massive changes with a new baby

try not to obsess about marriage

i'd wait until the New Year and if he hasnt proposed by then I'd have another chat about it
Could you ask his mym, sister, best mate if yhey think he'll ever want to get married?

MamaG · 30/09/2009 13:57

Sorry but I agree with wannabe

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 30/09/2009 13:57

solteraconhijos - why do you think he doesn't value her just because he hasn't proposed? He committed to IVF and having a child together.

They have just had one massive life changing experience.What's the rush?

FatFree · 30/09/2009 13:57

Also as you've just had your baby, your hormones are gonna be rushing all over the place.

If you had to railroad him into being a father and this had a negative impact on your relationship, nagging him to marry you will only make the situation worse!

Enjoy your new baby together and try to chill about the whole marriage thing.

paisleyleaf · 30/09/2009 13:59

I agree with flowery too.
And I feel sorry for your OH.

cantpooinpeace · 30/09/2009 13:59

I had a friend in that position - she proposed as it was the leap year and he said yes - married quickly, job done. It worked for them!

BustleInYourHedgerow · 30/09/2009 14:00

YABU....You railroaded him into having a child and now you're doing the same with marraige??

It's not the be all and end all. Be happy with what you've got! Do you seriously believe your life will be complete once you get a ring and a wedding, or do you think you will begin to focus on something else that you want/believe you need?

PrincessToadstool · 30/09/2009 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 14:02

Oh, have read more of the thread, and have seen that you want to leave him this sounds more like a tantrum because you are not getting your own way. I never once considered leaving my DP because I didnt get the proposal exactly when I wanted. My love for him isnt depended upon how much I could railroad him.