to be crying because I think DP is going to buy me a new laptop for my birthday

[Clovissa]

Our little boy was born 3 weeks ago and he is amazing. We had IVF so it's all been quite a long journey. DP was not wildly keen to go ahead, I had to pretty much railroad him into it, which caused some resentment during the pregnancy, although of course he did sign up to it fully.
So, now he's been born and we're both so in love with him - last week we registered him (with DP's surname).

I really want us to be married for lots of reasons - mainly for the vows but also so we all share the same name. I don't care at all about the wedding itself.

DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.

It is my birthday in two weeks and not having mentioned the m word for ages, I had really built my hopes up.

He has just asked me if I would like a new laptop for my birthday.

I don't want a laptop, I can buy myself a bloody laptop, I want a ring.

I'm in floods

I would rather have the laptop

I feel there is more to this than just having teh same name/reciting vows. Have you ever doubted his commitment to you? Has soemthing happened in the past, to make you feel so desperate to marry?

I agree stripey. If it was just the vows thing, then why cry over getting a laptop not an engagement ring.

MrsMH, I haven't said to DP "you would if you loved me.." - is that what you were thinking? I just know that if the tables were turned, I wasn't bothered about marriage, thought it was pointless, costly and a bit embarrassing but DP wanted it really badly, I would do it, because his want outweighed my not want. To use a more extreme example, in fact I can tell you that DP asked me if we could try again after 3 months while I was in labour with DS (). We've talked about it since - his desire to have another dc means a pretty big ask of my body, and less time just with this baby, but if he really truly wants it, then I'll consider it, talk to doctors, etc. That's because what he wants matters to me. Whether we actually do it or not will be a joint decision and not an easy one and he'll definitely have to marry me first.

It is the vows thing! What could be more important than hearing your DP say those things and mean them!

And I know lots of people have different names to their DC but I would like us all to have the same name.

I cried (hours ago now, eyes all dried) because I realised I had built my hopes up that he would propose on my birthday and I suppose because I'm very hormonal.

havent you done the same here? You have discussed it, he said one day, but you want to pressure him into doing it quicker because thats what you want?

OP, did i write that?

lol

Im the same, but i got the laptop and i bloody well love it, we arent getting engaged, we decided, as i wont wear two rings why waste money, we will get married just us and the children soon, when we are ready!

Er, yes, I want to do it sooner than later. Or it'll be like the curtains in the second bedroom.

Sorry, I didn't mean to berate you for crying. I totally get that you are hormonal.

I admit, I was born without the wedding gene. I just don't get it. My DP loves me to bits, tells me all the time, and does stuff for me every day. I don't need or want him to say he loves me in front of other people.

I have friends who are like you and want all the public stuff, proposals, rings etc and I have to try and get excited for them.

I'm the wrong person to give advice on this as I just don't see proposals, rings, weddings etc as a basic female right. I live very happily without any of them!

So, what are his objections to marriage? You said that it's the ceremony etc., but is that it? I know of some men who are totally against it because of having to experience painful divorces as a child, or they're just not that into wedding things (DP's cousin doesn't want to get married because so many people in the family would expect to go to the wedding, and he doesn't want a big hoopla) and then there's the group who don't want to marry because, they just aren't that "into" the woman (and are hoping for something better).

If it gives you hope, for one of my friends who got married this summer, her DH fell into the first group. Refused to get married because his parents had a terrible divorce, she really wanted to. They discussed it a LOT, and then for her birthday, he said "I'm going to buy you something small and expensive". She was psyched. She then got a camera for her birthday, and nearly twatted him. A month later they were on vacation, and he proposed then. He'd thought about proposing on her birthday, but thought it would be so much more romantic if he did it while they were on holiday.

Both were ridiculously happy on their (totally in their own style, very different) wedding day. Friend's DH was so excited he said "I do" before the registrar got the chance to finish asking all the necessary questions.

I have to say that when my boyfriend proposed it was from my relentless badgering...and it completely took away the surprise, excitement etc. In fact I felt disappointment as I was expecting it. I really wish I had just waited!
So I guess I'm saying, let him surprise you!

Bleh DP is a bit aspergers. A mathematical genius but socially quite inept. He hates formal occasions and being the centre of attention. This is why I have told him I would be happy to duck into a registry office and have fish and chips on the beach. I want a marriage not a wedding. I do know he loves me - we had a talk before registering DS the other day and he said he finds it incredibly difficult to say 'romantic' things but he did find a way of voicing his commitment. Lots of the posters on here think I'm forcing him to make a commitment he doesn't want to make, but that's not it at all, he's already made the commitment in the shape of our DS. It's the ceremony he doesn't want. I'm willing to go right over to his side and scale everything down to just the vows. But I would like a ring and a proposal whatever form it finally takes.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

I do understand how you feel. To a lesser extent sometimes I used to think that DH was going to do something and then be irrationally disappointed when he didn't - even though he'd never intimated he would. Does that make any sense at all?

I do think though that you have to not discuss it any further with your DP for the next few months. Just adjust to your new baby and give him some time to actually plan a surprise proposal - who knows perhaps he will do it on your birthday and the talk of laptops is just to throw you off the scent.

I do think its hard for men - one friend was under so much pressure to propose that he ended up starting each holiday by telling his DP he wouldn't be proposing - what fun.

In neither of my marriages was the proposal a big deal. We both discussed marriage and decided to get married. I find it odd that in these days of equality women want the man to be the sole person deciding when you get proposed to and married.
I wouldn't have kids with someone I wasn't married to.

The name thing is irrelevent as I've always kept my name and my kids have their dad's name.

If you want to get married then I think saying "how about we get married and how about next March at the registry office with just a family dinner afterwards so it's not stressful" might make him more inclined to go along with it than making him proposing into a big deal, and the wedding an expensive big deal. If you have bridezilla fantasies and want a big fussy wedding then he's right to find it all too much effort.

OP, I understand your point that because it (marriage) is important to you, it should be important to him. It's not really about the 'marriage/no marriage' thing, it's about whether he respects your wishes and considers your feelings.

That's not to say if he won't get married then that's it, your relationship is over - but he should have some reasons for why he won't (or won't yet) do something that is obviously important to you. But so long as you feel you are a team in other respects (esp re the pregnancy/baby), surely that is the most important thing at the moment, rather than a proposal?

I could have written your post 2 1/2 years ago. We hadnt been (back) together very long when I fell pregnant with ds (planned), and I was desperate to get married. Dp had been married before and wasnt fussed, and certainly seemed to dig his heels in the more I mentioned it.

I hoped he would propose on my birthday before ds was born - nope. I thought he would propose after I had ds - nope, christmas - nope.

It was discussed from time to time, sometimes it got a bit heated, but eventually I got the message that the more I nagged and went on about it the more i would put him off.

One rainy February afternoon he came home, stood in the hall, gave it to me, and that was that. Chuffed.

We talked a couple of times about weddings, but again, I tried not to push things too much. In February this year we booked the wedding - for this Saturday

We have saved up, planned it, and honestly enjoyed every second of it. - ds is 2 1/2

Weirdy I was just saying to him last night that although I was desperate to get married as soon as ds was born I am so glad that we have waited, and are doing it properly, rather than rushing it - just because.

More than that though - I know that dp wants to get married, and that he is looking forward to it - I cant imagine anything worse than pushing someone into a marriage, standing up and saying your vows, knowing that they are only there because you pressured them into it.

Also - just a thought, not sure if it has been mentioned before, but if its the name thing thats important you could change your name by deed-poll? It wasnt for me - infact its just made me remember about going to register ds, it was supposed to be a happy day but I was so up and down with day 3 hormones that I cried all the way home, because I was so gutted that he didnt have the same name as me.

I think this has turned into a bit of an essay - I guess what I'm saying is please dont force him - he knows you want to marry, let him get his head around it, and he might surprise you sooner than you think - and it will be so much more special if it is a surprise rather than you forcing it.

Good luck

I didn't really want to get married and DH really did. So we did. He didn't 'bully' or 'railroad' or 'force' me into it, and now I'm glad I did. It was important to him and I loved him. So YANBU on that at all OP.

well it's not about the money if he's looking to spend laptop money for your birthday. From what you have said that will be alot more than the cost of your proposed wedding!

Clovissa, firstly - phew! It sounded like you had basically said that to your DP, so I'm most relieved to hear that you haven't.

Secondly - ahh, so he's on the Asperger's spectrum. Well that changes things quite a lot because now I can understand better why there's this mismatch between what you both want and why it frustrates you so much. Presumably it's one of many frustrations in which his Asperger's tendencies intervene in your relationship?

If I were you I'd leave it for 3 months, and then gently raise it again around that time and see what he says. Then I think you really have to leave it, but of course if he raises the subject of having another DC that's a better opportunity than you bringing up marriage out of the blue.

Thanks Geordieminx for your post although it has set me off weeping again! I think it's because these last 3 weeks have been so wonderful that it's made me want it even more.

Thanks to you too, Kat, I haven't bullied DP about marriage either, just a couple of times I've brought it up and said how important it is to me, and does he see it happening for us etc.

The changing name by deed pole thing doesn't appeal to me at all, to me it would be like stealing his name instead of it becoming mine by rights.

This isn't my first, plaintive post. And it's probably not my last, but for now I'll enjoy what I have, which is a lot.

Thanks to all,

There's a lot of advice on here suggesting you talk to him about how you feel again (in 3 months/6 months/9 months etc).
But he has asked you not to. I believe him when he says he does know.
I think try and leave it until your baby is a toddler before you bring it up again.

OK I understand that the vows mean a lot to you. I can quite see that. But what if you did the proposing? He can't say no if he fundamentally is OK with the idea and you ask him can he?

Eek, I don't want to propose to him - my whole being rebels against the idea. I don't know why, I agree there's no reason why in this day and age it should be him. I suppose because I instigated the baby (a hugely successful decision I might add) I would like him to show a bit more willing on this one.

Actually, in a recent update, DP has just now asked me to go to Paris overnight on my birthday (leaving DS with my mum another whole thread's-worth there).

I'll keep you posted...