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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be crying because I think DP is going to buy me a new laptop for my birthday

140 replies

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 13:35

Our little boy was born 3 weeks ago and he is amazing. We had IVF so it's all been quite a long journey. DP was not wildly keen to go ahead, I had to pretty much railroad him into it, which caused some resentment during the pregnancy, although of course he did sign up to it fully.
So, now he's been born and we're both so in love with him - last week we registered him (with DP's surname).

I really want us to be married for lots of reasons - mainly for the vows but also so we all share the same name. I don't care at all about the wedding itself.

DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.

It is my birthday in two weeks and not having mentioned the m word for ages, I had really built my hopes up.

He has just asked me if I would like a new laptop for my birthday.

I don't want a laptop, I can buy myself a bloody laptop, I want a ring.

I'm in floods

OP posts:

llareggub · 30/09/2009 15:38

In the nicest possible way Clovissa, you sound an awful lot younger than 41. Emotionally you sound very immature. I can understand you "railroading" your DP into having a baby before time ran out, but I cannot fathom why you are badgering him to get married.

I read recently about people who are never satisfied. In your case, you should be thankful for your baby and your loving DP. Instead, you are ruining the early days with your baby by focusing on a wedding when the reality is you already have a loving partner. Focus on what you have before you lose it.

Incidentally, DH didn't propose to me. We lived together, wanted children together and I told him I wouldn't do it until we were married. So off we popped to the registry office, booked the wedding and the reception, and that was that. I didn't need or want the whole proposal thing.

corriefan · 30/09/2009 15:40

My dh told me and anyone else who mentioned it to stop badgering him as he wouldn't propose because somebody told him too. So we all did and he did! But I know a lot of people who have been in this situation, a friend of mine had been with her h for years waiting for him to propose. He did in the end, but at their wedding all the tables were named after places they were when she thought he'd pop the question! Try not to be obsessed with it though, he's said he will, just don't mention it.

MorrisZapp · 30/09/2009 15:44

If I live to be 100 I will never understand how women in the modern world can still be waiting for proposals the way the rest of us wait for lottery wins.

If two adults want to get married wtf is up with one of them having to wait and the other having to buy a ring and propose???

The world has gone mad if this is a normal, adult way to conduct relationships between two adults both of whom are capable of expressing what they want and when.

Does he want to get married or not? Why not just forget proposals and rings (as we're now in 2009 not 1939), and discuss with him why you want to get married and when?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/09/2009 15:53

I remember your posts from while you were pregnant, so I know that this isn't just a crazed post-baby moment.

But you do need to try and put it out of your mind. Focus on your baby, you will never get this precious time back, don't spoil it with angry thoughts about something you can't control.

I agree with the poster who said you should have all the legal and financial protection that marriage would give you though, so get DP to sort that out. If he drags his heels with that then it's more than a dislike of formality and tradition and you do have a problem, but if he sorts everything out willingly then you should relax because that is a huge statement of commitment. If you aren't working atm then make sure you hang onto your own assets and property so that you've got a buffer.

MrsMerryHenry · 30/09/2009 15:55

Morris, I agree with you on the whole, however I think in this case it's more that the OP is trying to pressurise her dp into something he simply doesn't want to do.

By the way, Clovissa, I should say that I am posting as someone who truly believes in marriage. Best of luck, and I hope things work out well for the three of you.

PrincessToadstool · 30/09/2009 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 16:19

Wow, thanks everyone for all your posts!

DP and I have talked about our future, and about marriage, and about our commitment to each other. So it's not like I'm in the dark about where life will take us. He just never actually gets around to proposing which is why I get so frustrated. It has always been mentioned.

DP's commitment to our son is as whole as any new father's, I don't doubt it at all.

I have never said, marry me or I'm leaving you, much as I may rant about it on here. Actually I wouldn't leave him and split up our family over something like this, but it does make me very angry. In any case, if it is that important to me, like anything else in a relationship, if ultimately I don't feel I am getting what I want out of it, am I not right to leave? There's no 'emotional blackmail' in saying what you want and sticking to it.

Also, when you have IVF using donor sperm, your partner has to sign a form agreeing to be the legal father of the baby. Nothing else is needed, he is from that point on the father, although like all unmarried couples, you both need to go to the registry office. DP signed this.

I apologise for using the term 'railroaded', it's perhaps a bit loaded. I told him I was going to do it, with him or without him. He said that he did want children with me, preferred adoption, but agreed to be treated with me. THe only way he didn't have an option was if he wanted to stay in the relationship with me.

I find the posts saying that my DP 'has been forced to be father to another man's child' incredibly offensive by the way. And wrong, wrong, wrong as it really wasn't like that. It takes 9 months you know, we've been through my pregnancy together. You'd only have to see them together to see he's the father.

Anyway, so back it goes on the back burner. I posted this six months ago when I was pregnant. And I'll wager I'll be posting again in another 6 months.

At the core of my feelings is the knowledge that if DP wanted something as much as I want this, I would give it to him without a second thought.

By the way, MadameOvary can I just say you have the best name on the site

OP posts:

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 16:22

even if it was against your beliefs/principles?

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 16:25

Er, I can't imagine what he could ask me to do that would be against my principles or beliefs. Marriage isn't against his beliefs, he's just allergic to formal events, being the centre of attention in any way and footing large bills.

OP posts:

MrsMerryHenry · 30/09/2009 16:25

I was almost on your side, Clovissa, until you said "At the core of my feelings is the knowledge that if DP wanted something as much as I want this, I would give it to him without a second thought."

Ouch! That makes you sound completely self-absorbed and manipulative, and like someone who has no idea how to understand anyone else's POV. Sorry to be harsh, but that is a terrible thing to say.

Stigaloid · 30/09/2009 16:27

clovissa "At the core of my feelings is the knowledge that if DP wanted something as much as I want this, I would give it to him without a second thought."

Well - your DP wants to NOT be married (at this time) as much as you want to. So then you should allow that for him without giving it a second thought.

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 16:29

why force into something that makes him so uncomfortable then? He has aske dyou to drop it, so from your own reasoning (that you would do anyything that he really wanted) you shoudl be quite happy to give him this!

Rubyrubyruby · 30/09/2009 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buda · 30/09/2009 16:31

I'm sorry you got such a hard time but am pleased you sound calmer. It is hard when you want something so much. DH and I were moving overseas and weren't even engaged and my family were not happy about it. I suggested we get married. Was prepared to do a real quick, cheap and cheerful wedding but DH didn;t want that. I wanted to get engaged. Looked at rings etc etc. Every weekend I hoped taht this would be the weekend. Nothing. So one night we had a huge row about it. Next day as we were walking past jewellers, DH just said "thought you wanted to go in there". And that was that. Bought the ring.

Went overseas for 3 years. Came back to UK. Bought a house together. No proposal. If I ever mentioned it I was told he didn't want to get married. So I left it. Then one weekend I went home to Dublin and just booked it! He wasn't even there. Came back and told him. He said no. So I said "Well you have a week to think about it, I need to phone on Saturday and say yes or not." On the Saturday he was up a ladder painting and I said "I need to call the hotel and either confirm or cancel. What shall I tell them?" He said "no". So I said "oh go on - I'll make you a cup of tea". He said "Oh ok then." Easy as that!

In your case as others have pointed out you are hormonal and emotional at the moment. I would leave it for now. Give yourself 6 months or so. I know how hard it is but try your best.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 16:42

It's OK, Buda I don't mind it being harsh, I do have a newborn gazing up at me to soften the AIBU edges.. Love your story, but fear it would be even harder to get DP up a ladder than up an aisle.... I am calmer now, though, I suppose I am still on a hormonal post-birth rollercoaster.

Sorry Mrs MH, I genuinely don't understand why that was such a terrible thing to say. To me, in a relationship you aim to make each other happy. Stigaloid I think I want to be married MUCH more than DP wants not to. It's inconvenient for him, that's all. I KNOW his objections to marriage and can accommodate them so that he won't feel uncomfortable, i.e. by having a tiny, informal thing that costs next to nothing. I don't feel I've been manipulative at all, or at least if I have I've been spectacularly unsuccessful at it.

OP posts:

MrsMerryHenry · 30/09/2009 16:44

Yes, Clovissa, you do. But you're not talking about him doing the washing-up and you doing the cooking, are we? We're talking about a major life commitment and you simply cannot use that rationale in this context without sounding manipulative, and, tbh, churlish.

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 16:49

This will only make you happy though - what about his happiness? I think you need a compromise - I think teh drawing up of legal documents is a good one. Thats all a marraige certificate is, after all.

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 16:49

My DP wants a vasectomy, I don't.
My DP wants another baby I don't
My DP wants to move to the States, i don't.

Are these things that a partner should just give way on because the other person really wants them? IMO just as major as being married.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 16:49

OK, it's going over my head then MrsMH. So, has he not made a major life commitment to me by having DS with me? Perhaps he should then, because I looked at them together the other evening and it occurred to me that our relationship and our commitment is now more important than ever, because I could never part them.

OP posts:

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 16:54

Do you feel less committed to him because you dont have a piece of paper saying that you do?

MrsMerryHenry · 30/09/2009 17:03

Huh? You clearly haven't understood me. I am saying that it's all very well saying 'if doing x would make you happy, I'd do it for you' when you're discussing non-life changing issues such as who does the washing up or what colour to paint the bathroom. But when you are discussing a major life commitment, it is inappropriate and manipulative to use that sort of rationale.

Also, although I firmly believe in commitment in relationships, if I had a partner who was pressurising and manipulating me like this, I would run a mile. I wouldn't necessary leave with if we had a child, but it would cause serious deterioration in my relationship with that partner.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 17:13

socks i don't care at all about the piece of paper, I want to speak the vows in public and I want us all to have the same name - I don't like having a different name to DS.

Orm all these things need to be agreed by mutual decision. DP and I do talk about it and he understands that marriage is what I want and he has said we will. But he shows no sign of actually doing anything about it and I get impatient and upset.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 30/09/2009 17:16

Your name doesn't automatically change at marriage, you have to change it yourself.

Equally, you can change it before marriage too, to anything you want.

If you want to be Mrs Hisname, just say that that is your name.

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 17:16

You could change your name without getting married if it really bothers you.

Mut say I have a different last name to both of my dcs and it has never bothered me one bit. We are not less of a family because I still have the name I was born with. I don't think that this is really about the name but what you perceive the name means.

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 17:18

Just change your name! as long as you change all your legal documents, bank accounts etc, you are fine.

I have a different surname to my DS, it has never occured to me to be bothered. What is it that you dont like about it?

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