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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be crying because I think DP is going to buy me a new laptop for my birthday

140 replies

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 13:35

Our little boy was born 3 weeks ago and he is amazing. We had IVF so it's all been quite a long journey. DP was not wildly keen to go ahead, I had to pretty much railroad him into it, which caused some resentment during the pregnancy, although of course he did sign up to it fully.
So, now he's been born and we're both so in love with him - last week we registered him (with DP's surname).

I really want us to be married for lots of reasons - mainly for the vows but also so we all share the same name. I don't care at all about the wedding itself.

DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.

It is my birthday in two weeks and not having mentioned the m word for ages, I had really built my hopes up.

He has just asked me if I would like a new laptop for my birthday.

I don't want a laptop, I can buy myself a bloody laptop, I want a ring.

I'm in floods

OP posts:

TheMightyToosh · 30/09/2009 14:02

Congratulations on your new baby!!!

I don't get the idea of being proposed to on a day that is already special for another reason. Keep that as your birthday, and do the proposal thing another day. Wouldn't you prefer he did it on a dull wednesday in November? Maybe he feels the same and that's why he's waiting?

I think that if you get the chance (without overdoing the M talk and peeing him off) you should make sure he knows that what is important to you is the vows and the marriage, not the day itself, so expensive dresses and meals for 150 people are not on your agenda.

He might be put off the idea by the thought of all the expense? What about if you suggested a v small wedding with a meal out just for family afterwards, low cost, low fuss, it might make it easier for him. I dunno - men are strange creatures.

But I do think something like this needs to be talked about, so you are not left waiting for something for months on end and being disappointed everytime, and he knows that you won't turn into a bridezilla with the credit card if he asks you!

PrincessToadstool · 30/09/2009 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/09/2009 14:03

I can understand that you want to get married. But his not proposing isn't necessarily a sign that he doesn't love or cherish you. He may be nervous that you can't afford a big do and not want to disappoint you, he may hate the idea of a big do and be worried that you will argue over it, he may just think he should have the chance to propose in his own time and not feel bullied into it. He may have had an idea of how he wants to do it for a long time and be pissed off that you have spoilt it. Who knows. Don't give him any ultimatums or deadlines just ease off. He's buying you a lovely birthday present, stop waiting for a proposal and it should come. If he hasn't done in a year then you can open the conversation again.

Personally, I think the proposal bit is a red herring. If you both want to get married why can't you discuss it and agree like adults making an important life decision? Why does it have to be in this mould of man deciding, woman accepting? Hardly a sensible way to decide the course of your life, waiting for your man to decide when the time is right. And surely, if you know he wants to marry you, you are engaged, no?

TheMightyToosh · 30/09/2009 14:03

Forgot to say - crying when you have a 3wk old is normal Tired, hormonal, emotional - don't feel bad about that.

SomeGuy · 30/09/2009 14:05

When did you last mention marriage to him?

And why did you not get married before having the baby?

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 14:05

Agree with mightytoosh - I think if you can leave it for a few weeks I suspect it won't be such a big deal and it won't make you want to cry.

BTW it might help if you gave signs of loving and cherishing him too.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 14:07

Er, perhaps someone could explain to me how I've emotionally blackmailed my DP?

OP posts:

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 30/09/2009 14:09

It might be because you said you railroaded him into IVF

wannaBe · 30/09/2009 14:11

well, you railroaded him into IVF, now you are talking of leaving because he won't propose when you want him to. I think that's a fairly good start.

PrincessToadstool · 30/09/2009 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Clovissa · 30/09/2009 14:14

Mighty yes I am a bit emotional - that's definitely a big part of it.

I gave him DP's name at the registry office because I didn't want there to be any emotional blackmail. There is a big reason for this - our son was conceived using a male donor because of a serious inherited health disorder on DP's side. This was DP's wish. It was important for me that he never felt DS was in any not quite 'his' although in fact I needn't have worried about their bonding which has been wonderful.

Orm i love and cherish him every moment of every day.

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 30/09/2009 14:17

Congrats on the baby but of course YABU. You can't badger someone into marrying you. I know you have high hopes but you need to relax and believe it will happen. A laptop is an expensive and kind gift.

FatFree · 30/09/2009 14:18

But do you not see what a lot of us are saying? You had to force him to have a child with you and now you are throwing your toys outta your pram and threatening to leave him if he doesnt marry you?

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me.....

Jumente · 30/09/2009 14:18

'
DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.
'

This is your answer, he's told you why he wants you to stop, it's because he wants to do it without feeling like he was coerced or pressured into it.

Why is this so hartd to understand?

Imagine if you had planned him a big surprise for his birthday and he kept saying 'Oh I really really want a big surprise for my birthday, how come you haven't organised it yet?'

do you see what I mean?
If he proposes because you asked him to, shortly after that you are going to be asking yourself if he really wanted to marry you or if it was just out of being nagged.

Leave him alone!

And maybe you need to look at your own insecurities a bit - it sounds like you have a problem accepting that someone will love you for real without being nagged about proving it.
Not your fault but it sounds like he really loves you, he's there, he went ahead and had a child with you - you might start to drive him away at this rate.

TheMightyToosh · 30/09/2009 14:19

Clovissa - I think you are getting an unfair amount of harsh posts here.

Take stock: you have a 3-week old. That can make the most rational of people feel irrationally annoyed about things.

Secondly, it is not a crime to know what you want from a partnership and to be hurt and disappointed if you feel that the other person doesn't want the same as you.

Couple that with the fact that you've as good as been banned from talking about it and you have one tongue-tied, frustrated, tired and emotional person!!! I'm not surprised you feel upset!

I think you really need to sit down with your DP and talk honestly, openly and realistically about what you both want. Explain to him that a surprise romantic proposal is not as important to you as knowing right here, right now that you are both wanting the same things for your future. If that is the reason why he is delaying it and not wanting to talk about it, you need to get rid of that obstacle, as it is making you miserable and it is not worth it.

You'd be better off with no proposal, just an open talk about your future. If you both decide that marriage is what you want, then you go out shopping together and choose a ring. No surprises, no pressure, just two people making a grown-up decision about their future.

Soooo much easier than all this secrecy that - at this stage in your life having just given birth - you just don't need. Explain that to him and hopefully that will pave the way for an open discussion so you all know where you stand.

It's not railroading - it's just having enough mutual respect to understand that your future is important to both of you, and you have the right to know where it is going.

I feel for you, I really do, because it is no fun being in the dark.

Hope it works out.

diddl · 30/09/2009 14:20

Well if marriage is such a big deal, I don´t understand why you had a child first.

SomeGuy · 30/09/2009 14:20

You had to force him to have a child with you

Well technically she didn't.

Stealth reveal just above - her DP is infertile and sperm are actually from another man.

This sounds like a very dangerous situation to me.

ILoveStripeySocks · 30/09/2009 14:20

badgering him about marrying you wont feel lie being cherished. I suggest you just drop the whole subject for now, and let him get his head round this whole new fatherhood thing. Both of you, enjoy your baby & enjoy each other.

UnquietDad · 30/09/2009 14:20

"I want" doesn't get.

MrsBadger · 30/09/2009 14:21

yanbu as such, merely deep in the newborn hormonal haze...

wannaBe · 30/09/2009 14:21

tbh I think that there's a real issue here with your dp feeling he has no control.

Firstly you badger him into having a baby, a baby which he cannot be the biological father of because of genetic reasons. So he has had to sign up to you having IVF and carrying what is essentially another man's child. That must be huge, even if he is the one that didn't want to pass the condition to any children.

Now you want him to propose to you, on a date which you seem too specify. But proposing is something he has control over, which he can do in his time, and in his way. He has had no control over the most important thing in his life, ie the conception of his child. I think you owe it to him to let him do this his way.

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 14:22

But what if he actually really doesn't want to get married? Not just 'not yet' but not ever. Some people don't. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that he loves you in a different way to the way you expect. How will you react to that?

MamaG · 30/09/2009 14:24

Actually MrsBadger makes a good point. Her baby is just three weeks old so lets not jump on her head as much! I was a crazed loon a bit hormonal at that stage and wasn't really thinking straight

wonderingwondering · 30/09/2009 14:24

I understand that your partner not proposing is hurtful. But it is very soon after your baby - it is big emotional and physical upheaval for both of you (despite not giving birth, he has new responsibilities and the sleepness nights are bad for both of you). But once things settle a bit, you need to have a proper discussion: is he reluctant to get married? If so, why? Why do you want to get married? Why did you enter into IVF without being married, if it really was a relationship-breaker?

You are not emotionally blackmailing him, and YABU at to want to get married: it is very important to some people (including me), less so to others. But if you value it, your partner should respect that.

Being with someone who doesn't want to get married isn't a problem - being with someone who doesn't care, or won't engage with the fact that marriage is very important to you, is a problem.

But it is very soon after the birth: he may well want to delay any proposal until you feel recovered from the birth, over the newborn phase, and more able to enjoy getting engaged and married.

herjazz · 30/09/2009 14:25

congrats on yr baby. Yr prolly a bit hormonal, shattered and not on peak form

A laptop's pretty decent. Also he can propose any time - as can you -so no biggie that it doesn't come on yr birthday

Just think of all the stuff you can do on yr shiny new laptop - you can have the whole wedding planned waaaay in advance

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