to be crying because I think DP is going to buy me a new laptop for my birthday

[Clovissa]

Our little boy was born 3 weeks ago and he is amazing. We had IVF so it's all been quite a long journey. DP was not wildly keen to go ahead, I had to pretty much railroad him into it, which caused some resentment during the pregnancy, although of course he did sign up to it fully.
So, now he's been born and we're both so in love with him - last week we registered him (with DP's surname).

I really want us to be married for lots of reasons - mainly for the vows but also so we all share the same name. I don't care at all about the wedding itself.

DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering.

It is my birthday in two weeks and not having mentioned the m word for ages, I had really built my hopes up.

He has just asked me if I would like a new laptop for my birthday.

I don't want a laptop, I can buy myself a bloody laptop, I want a ring.

I'm in floods

Someguy - get a grip. Using a sperm donor doesn't make it a dangerous situation, and I'm sure that many infertile couples who used sperm or egg donors would resent the suggestion that it does. AND would resent the suggestion that it is a 'stealth reveal' - how ridiculous. If they made the decision as a couple to go down that route, then it has no bearing on their situation, and as such, she has no reason to 'reveal' that info at the outset.

TBH, I think his head is going t be filled with this whole baby thing just now. There probably isnt any room for anything else! he is bonding with a child that isnt biologically his. Even if he says everything is fine, I cant even begin to imagine what his thoughts are, and what he is doing inside to be able to cope & love your new baby. he has already given you something that you desperately wanted, cant you be happy with that? At least for now?

Congrats on your DS
You are hormonal and in the newborn fug phase.
I know plenty of my friends who weren't bothered about being married, had DC then suddenly it was a big deal. Some are married now, some aren't. All are very happy. In a few weeks/months it may not be such a big issue to you, who can say?
Just enjoy your baby (and your new laptop!) and wait and see what happens. This is such a lovely time with your PFB, enjoy and count your blessings, don't dwell on this at all.

If he wanted to get married he would, IMO, and it wouldn´t matter who did the proposing.

Someguy - get a grip. Using a sperm donor doesn't make it a dangerous situation, and I'm sure that many infertile couples who used sperm or egg donors would resent the suggestion that it does. AND would resent the suggestion that it is a 'stealth reveal' - how ridiculous.

If somebody came on saying "My partner/husband and I would love to have children but he's infertile, could you give us some advice about sperm donors", then I would agree.

But she has said in her original post that she bullied her partner into having a child, which is a major alarm bell. To subsequently find out that the child was conceived from somebody else's sperm is relevant.

A lot of men behave differently about children that they are not biologically related to.

If they made the decision as a couple to go down that route

It's not clear that they did.

Oh dear, I knew I shouldn't AIBU.

I apologise for the stealth - I didn't want to put it at the top because it identifies me a lot. There's no more to come I promise.

The railroading was this: I was 41 and we had been together 2 years which is not really that long. I really wanted a baby but DP wanted to adopt so didn't see the hurry. I got the info and told him I could do this, and he could join in, stick around with no moral obligation or run away. He chose to stay. I gave him a beautiful son. So, not badgering, just making clear and taking direct action. SOmetimes in life you have to, and if I'd been clearer about what I wanted in previous relationships instead of fannying around being cool about it, I'd have several DC not this one, sweet little one here.

He has absolutely no problem fathering a child who is not biologically his - he doesn't consider it at all I swear. This is not a 'dangerous' situation someguy, our little boy is loved from every angle . In fact it's me who grieved that I couldn't have a child naturally with him, but I never pushed it.

I've dropped the whole subject - I really have, but the truth is he hates the idea of marriage because he loathes any kind of formality and, it must be said, he worries it will take up our savings (I would bring it home under a budget of £50).

I know I know I know I shouldn't go on, I know I should shut up, but the point is, I AM in tears, and i DO feel like this. What am I supposed to do with these feelings?

He has every control over his life and our relationship by the way, I've taken none of the control away - I just desperately want him to recognise the long way we've come together.

Mightytoosh thanks for you lovely post - you're right I'm not trying to extract anything, I've always told him what I wanted.

someguy - you are reading too far between the lines and making up your own story.

It's not about how the DP is behaving torwards the baby, she said they are both thrilled with the baby, AND that her DP was on board in the end (even though she instigated it). Quote "he did sign up to it fully".

And I really don't think they would have got to the stage of actually having a baby if they had not made the decision as a couple, do you?

I don't think this level of detective work is really needed or appropriate. She is just asking for a little sympathy and support, so get off her case with your 'stealth reveal' silliness.

Someguy is that clearer now? That aspect is the least of my worries.

If you´re 41 and been working most of your life (?), it is similar for your partner?

So I would think you could easily afford toget married.

As an unmarried mother, you are in a much weaker position if you split up than a married person would be. Therefore, I think that if he has decided he doesn't want to marry you right now, the least he can do - in the interim - is to put as much legal protection in place, just in case anything happens. Things to consider are: whether the house is in your joint names, whether you are named as the main beneficiary in his will, whether any pension payments would be made to you in the event that he died. That kind of thing. He may not want to marry you right now (and TBH there isn't much you can do to change his mind). However, I personally wouldn't accept a lack of legal protection. You were good enough to have a child with, ergo he should ensure that you are not left struggling if anything happens.

I don't think that the fact that the baby was conceived by donor sperm is actually relevant to this issue - the fact is that the OP's DP agreed to have a child with her. For biological reasons, it was better for the sperm to be from someone other than the DP. The DP has been named on the birth certificate, so (I think) will legally be classed as the father and have associated rights. However, I do see that the fact that donor sperm was required might have been painful for him/make him feel "unmanly" and maybe he needs time to process this.

Lastly, you're at a very emotional time right now. It might be better to give it a few weeks before you make any key decisions about your future, to be sure that you make them in a balanced state of mind (not sleep deprived and hormonal - never the best time to decide things!).

clovissa, like I have said, I have been in a similar situation, I was very upset on my birthday when I didnt get a ring. I didnt let my DP know though. I concentrated on just loving him & our son, and the feelings were still there but I just chose to ignore them.

And do you knwo what? Now that he has propsed, the desperate need i had to get married has disappeared somewhat! I think now, I just needed this confirmation that he did want to marry me, and that he was willing to. Now I have that confirmation, it doesnt mean as much to me nwo as it did then.

Does her partner have parental rights if he hasn´t signed an agreement?

I don't see why you can't propose to him.

I think you are going to look back on this and laugh tbh.
As others have said, you have just had a a baby and need to be in a calmer space before you think about marriage imo.

I think you need to look at why you feel like leaving him though. Hopefully, thats just hormones talking, but you need to look at it & make sure!

Yes diddl, if he's on the birth certificate which I assume he is.

Right Clovissa. Enough fannying about. Stop waiting for a proposal that might never come (not because he doesn't love you, btw). Stop relying on him and waiting for the ring. You might need to manage without the ring.

When you are feeling a bit better and less teary/hormonal, and sit him down for a proper talk. Tell him you don't want a proposal, but you would like to agree a date to get married. Tell him you don't need guests, a big dress, photographers and all that (if you are happy with that, that is). Tell him you don't need a ring or to be 'engaged'. He might not want you to have a ring so as he doesn't get the inevitable 'what's the date? Am I invited? what sort of ceremony?' questions that he might be dreading. Maybe he would feel happier if you just agreed that in 3/6/9 months you will go with respective parents to the town hall and go for lunch afterwards and not necessarily tell everyone you are 'engaged'.

If he still drags his feet when you have been so more than reasonable, he's an idiot you need to find out why.

No wonder you are feeling emotional, and vulnerable, you've just had a baby.

I wonder if it might be good to withdraw from the thread now. I don't think it's likely to make you feel any better.

Good post kat

Awww hope that you feel better soon Clovissa, I kinda know what you feel. Its happening now with trying for baby number 2, sometimes my dh just does not feel like having sex and i am really keen to keep trying nearly every day to optomise our chances of having baby number 2, my dh is saying tht my badgering is putting him off and its become like a chore, so i will just have to stand back a bit and give him sapce and have sex for enjoyment(as well as dc number 2)lol.

Just forget about marriage for the moment and concentrate on what you and your dp have together besides each other, a beautiful ds. Your dp will probably propose when he feels ready, mabey he is just not at the moment and just wants to do it in time. A engagement ring is what you get if and when he proposes not on your birthday, mabey if you want a ring for your birthday(not engagement) you could hint, I expect that he would prefer to buy something you like instead of something you dont want, though a laptop sounds ace, i had one for my birthday from my dh.

Good luck and enjoy what you have.

I thought an agreement also had tobe signed if the couple aren´t married?

Or is that how it used to be?

diddl, the law for that changed in about 2004. YOu used to need a signed agreement, but since then, named on the certificate is enough to get full parental rights now.

Clovissa you can also talk to your dp, tell him how you feel about marriage, it does not have to be a big and expensive do if you dont want it to be. My dh brother had just 18 people there so it was a small inimate wedding. Congrtulations to the both of you by the way on your beautiful son.

What a complex situation. Let me warn you now: I am going to be harsh but fair.

You persuaded your unwilling DP to have IVF. He eventually conceded, and you've just had a child that is not biologically his, which he wasn't all that keen on having in the first place. The child bears his name, fine. He's been a father for just 3 short weeks - and presumably, like you, is feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. Don't you think he might be feeling a little confused about his feelings towards the baby?

If you keep on pressuring him into taking the next, humoungous step of commitment, you will cause the break-up of your relationship. I have no doubt about that. His son may bear his name but at the end of the day he can still claim to have no connection to the boy apart from sharing a name, so in the worst case scenario you may even end up a single mother with no input from the father at all. Is that a risk you're willing to take? Don't forget, the risk is not just yours but also your son's.

I agree with those who've said you're hormonal. As well as that you're sleep-deprived. This is not a time to be making life-changing decisions. Your dp may have very good reasons to be afraid of/ averse to marriage, but as you said, "DP has asked me not to keep going on about marriage, he knows how I feel and he wants to be able to propose without feeling like he is responding to my badgering." So despite his feelings he is willing to consider it, for you. Because he loves you. Why isn't that good enough for you? You appear to have a mouth that's bigger than both your ears because it sounds like you're doing a whole lot of talking and not that much listening to your partner.

The answer is simple: stop badgering him. Leave him to bond with your son, let the three of you learn to enjoy being a family, and let your dp come to terms with what that means and make his own decision about marriage in his own time.

Oh, okay - apologies, I missed your post explaining the circumstances of the IVF. Tbh I don't think that changes what I said all that much, because even though you've said he has no problem with fathering a child he's not biologically connected to, that doesn't mean that under pressure he wouldn't change his mind.

And I'm really sorry - I meant to start my post by saying congrats on becoming a mother!

Just another thing - you're now saying that he's basically anti-marriage, which is quite different from what you said earlier. If you keep on pushing, he will probably leave you. So stop pushing. I think your tears are being caused by all the hormonal madness that affects us all after birth, so it's important for you to put that into perspective.

UQD: ""I want" doesn't get." - Pleeeeease tell me that was an ironic statement, and that you don't really say that to your kids.