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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if BIL thinks that blood is not thicker than water then we shouldn't bail him out financially

82 replies

tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:11

Namechanged due to paranoia of people who know about this in RL finding out my MN posting name.

Long story short - DH and his brother fell out almost a decade ago. It was over something fairly trivial, a petty squabble over a childhood girlfriend, basically.

BIL told DH then that he was dead to him (!) and they haven't spoken since. Over they years DH and I have made a few efforts to try to reconciliate - sending presents to his DC etc but they have never been acknowledged or reciprocated.

Fast forward to now and DH has a very well paid job, he made a lot of money in bonuses and we invested it well and are therefore mortgage-free and have a considerable amount of money in the bank.

BIL has just been made redundant, he can't pay the mortgage. PIL have suggested we help out BIL financially, so the kids don't lose their home.

As much as I have sympathy for their situation I don't see why DH, having been denied the opportunity of having any kind of relationship with BIL or his kids should have to stump up financially.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/09/2009 19:12

has BIL made contact with you?

he might not even want the help

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 19:12

I would normally say do it for the kids but I think that your BIL has made this decision that his brother is dead to him so presumably his money is no good either..

Glitterknickaz · 26/09/2009 19:14

What FabBakerGirlIsBack said

Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:14

He hasn't made contact with us, but according to PIL would be 'receptive' to contact from us. Only since his financial crisis though.

OP posts:
differentID · 26/09/2009 19:14

sorry to sound harsh, but your PIL need to keep their beaks out in this instance. Your BIL made his bed and now he must lie in it.

BitOfFun · 26/09/2009 19:15

Is your husband's middle name "Free Cash Available"?

It's not his problem.

If he is in a position to, he could lend it to your parents I suppose, but what if his brother can't find work again?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 19:17

I bet he would be receptive to contact.

What a twat.

Lemontea · 26/09/2009 19:17

Sorry - I agree. If he is going to be 'receptive' to your money, he could come cap in hand himself.
I know it's a horrible situation, however there is no way I would be handing out cash in this situation.

Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:18

Stupidly, we would be more than happy to help in this situation, and the feud is not of are doing or willing, but I feel it's wrong for him to accept one thing from us, and reject the rest of the relationship.

The house he bought was far too expensive, he works in an estate agency and somehow managed to get a mortgage of something like six times his salary, then there is the debt he has too. I feel as well that he should sort out his own mistakes.

But what happens in this kind of situation? Would the council house him and the children?

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/09/2009 19:19

i would like to think that in this situation I would be the bigger person and help out because to me blood is thicker than water even if it apparently wasnt to the relative who was in hard times. IYKWIM - sorry very confusing sentence.

I can see exactly how you feel though, if they were to make contact would it make you feel differently?

differentID · 26/09/2009 19:20

look, he sound sthe typoe to just take your money find a reason to fall out again and never repay the money.

Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:21

I don't know, I really don't know.

I can't put into words how it has felt knowing that our DC have cousins out there they have never met and are never likely to.

Then to learn that actually, it kind comes with a price? And if we pay the fee the relationship can be restored? It just feels wrong.

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/09/2009 19:22

yeah I would say only help him out if its something you want to do as a nice person and for the children - dont do it and expect him to be eternally greatful and therefore have to be all pally

and only lend him an amount you dont mind not getting back

DorotheaPlenticlew · 26/09/2009 19:22

He should be the one to make contact if he's suddenly feeling "receptive". But I would be very cautious if I were you.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 19:22

How would you feel if they took the money and then didn't want anything to do with you or start a relationship with the children?

If they did build a relationship would you feel like you had to buy it?

Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:23

Both of those things would make me feel terrible FBG

OP posts:
dittany · 26/09/2009 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentID · 26/09/2009 19:24

If you do decide to go ahead, go via a solicitor and draw up a loan plan. That way, if he does do the dirty you can take him to court. and there is no question whether it is a gift or a loan.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/09/2009 19:26

If your PIL are that worried let them help.
Do not do it, that is what the benefit system is for

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2009 19:27

How likely would you be to see your money again if you leant it to BIL.

I'd wait for BIL to ask, and then have a legal agreement with him to show you have lent him money and he will repay you.

I wouldnt offer without his asking first.

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/09/2009 19:28

(Assuming that the family rift happened exactly as you described and there really was not fault on your dh's part):

Well this is a horrible situation but your dh must tell his father the whole truth about the falling out between himself and his brother, including the part about attempts to reconciliate and the cold-shouldering. As a precis to informing him that he will not be putting his hand in his pocket to help his brother out.

Blood is not thicker than water. Families can treat each other appallingly. Why should the common genes override the fallout from terrible behaviour like your bil's?

Morloth · 26/09/2009 19:28

IME money is poison when it comes to relationships with family and friends. We now have a policy where if we can't afford to give the money, free and clear (at least in our own hearts) then we don't do it.

Lets say you hand over some cash as a loan, everything is hunky dory for a while, until BIL fails to pay back the loan, then all of a sudden you are the big mean loan sharks, probably not just to BIL but to PIL as well.

Don't touch it is my advice, just don't.

Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:29

KIMI, do you know how the benefit system would help? I mean, what would happen? They sell the house (v little equity AFAIK) and then do they ask the council to home them? I've got horrible visions of them in a b and b or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
tointerveneornot · 26/09/2009 19:31

Bibbity, the rift situation was basically that BIL had v strong feelings for a girl, but she had v strong feelings for my DH, and DH have v strong feelings for her. DH decided to have a relationship with this girl knowing that his brother liked her (but he did not know that he was 'in love' with her, if that makes sense).

Anyway, BIL lost the plot over it and here we are.

PIL know the full situation and the reconciliation attempts.

(I am not the girl in question, btw!)

OP posts:
whostolemyname · 26/09/2009 19:32

Assuming its not going to put you in any financial difficult i would do it. BUT i would do it not assuming anything would change. If it does change you have everything to gain in repairing a family feud. If it doesnt - well you have been the bigger person. If you dont lend it to him and he does lose his house, a part of you might always feel a bit bad for that.