To think that if BIL thinks that blood is not thicker than water then we shouldn't bail him out financially

[tointerveneornot]

Namechanged due to paranoia of people who know about this in RL finding out my MN posting name.

Long story short - DH and his brother fell out almost a decade ago. It was over something fairly trivial, a petty squabble over a childhood girlfriend, basically.

BIL told DH then that he was dead to him (!) and they haven't spoken since. Over they years DH and I have made a few efforts to try to reconciliate - sending presents to his DC etc but they have never been acknowledged or reciprocated.

Fast forward to now and DH has a very well paid job, he made a lot of money in bonuses and we invested it well and are therefore mortgage-free and have a considerable amount of money in the bank.

BIL has just been made redundant, he can't pay the mortgage. PIL have suggested we help out BIL financially, so the kids don't lose their home.

As much as I have sympathy for their situation I don't see why DH, having been denied the opportunity of having any kind of relationship with BIL or his kids should have to stump up financially.

Thoughts?

He decided not to have contact with me because I broke my silence that his best friend (and now his bil) sexually abused me when I was a child (db is quite a bit older than me).

He has never actually said so in as many words, but the jist of what I understand from other family members, is that he thinks I should have let it lie and not bring it up after 20+ years and 'cause a load of upset'

It's only fair of me to say that he didn't know it had been going on and was as shocked as everyone else when I told my family (when I was 32). But the most hurtful thing for me was, a week after I'd told them, I walked into my parent's front door and he and his dw got up and without a word walked out of the back door.

I wrote to him and his dw twice during the five years afterwards asking for us to be a family but he has never acknowledged my letters. At the end of the day I have to accept that for whatever reason he felt he couldn't support me in coming to terms with what happended so I now accept that he has chosen not to be my brother in anything but name only. For my own sanity I have had move on and not hanker after a relationship with him.

I think you need to be realistic about the whole situation - how can your dc's realistically have a normal relationship with their cousins after all that has happened? It seems that that is your major motivation here, but I don't think it is possible. If the parents don't genuinely get on then all contact etc between the kids will inevitably have a bit of a shadow over it, and that's without the stigma of the money thing making things worse.

I would also like to say that from my own experience, it is very hard to hand over money to a family member and not have it hugely influence your relationship. In one that is already strained I would say that things are doomed. My marriage, and my relationship with my parents and brother have all been really battered after we gave money to my parents with whom I got on really well, but now feel huge anger towards. I know they feel embarassed and beholden, and everyone feels quite bitter.

If you give the money you must accept that it is a gift without strings and you will bite your tongue forever more about how they behave. Don't expect thanks or appreciation as they will be feeling rotten and resentful. If you can do that it would be incredible. If you can't ( and most of us can't, of course) then don't do it.

I'm so sorry chookkeeper, what an absolutely horrible thing for you to go through

I don't know how your brother can have acted so disgracefully.

I wouldn't get too swayed by the idea of the cousins having a relationship. I saw my cousins about once a year if that - we all lived miles from each other. And my own DSs rarely see theirs - nobody has fallen out - it's just distance.
I don't know how old your DCs are but as they get older and go to school their local friends are the ones who matter.

dont do it. if they didnt get in contact before why shoukd you be greatful now?why dont PIL help out, he is not your responsibility. would help if was talking though

It´s a tough one,but your BIL sounds an ärse!!

Who knows how long you might be paying the mortgage for?

And with another job, how is he going to pay the mortgage & pay you back?

What did he do with his redundancy money?

What Morioth said

We've been in a similar position in the past - don't do it. Fall out was horrendous.

Besides if bil can't even be arsed to ask himself then that certainly doesn't bode well re either open communication about finances or a healthy familial relationship.

Perhaps if he asked and you really wanted too then you could consider purchasing a share of his house. If he considers that unacceptable then he clearly isn't in need.

If you buy 40% of the mortgage, who is responsible for making sure the mortgage gets paid and the house doesn't get repossessed? Who will be responsible for maintenance of the property? Council tax? Bad idea to enmesh your investment with this guy's bad risk taking.

I'd Gift the money if anything, but not a loan.

No Win situation. None at all.
I believe that Council would rehome them, even if the homelessness is their fault, because children are involved.
PIL should stump up.

Personally I wouldn't - I don't see why you should to be quite frank.

He told your DH that he was dead to him, he has severed all contact, made no effort to reconcile even though you have extended the Olive branch on several occassions & has lived his life as if you don't exsist. But now that the chips are down & he needs money he's "open" to getting in touch? No, I'm sorry he burned his bridges a long time ago so let him sort himself out. It is not fair on your DH or you to be handing over your hard earned cash that you're likely to never, ever see again.....along with your BIL!

I was dreading this happening to us.

If you do "lend" the money, my bet is that you will never see it again. What if he can't find another job? Will you have to keep paying his mortgage?

You would need to draw up a proper financial agreement, probably remortaging the house in your / joint names unless you are prepared to wave bye bye to your ££££'s!

I really really wouldn't do this. Money obligations between family members cause enough tension when there are really good relationships. Here, I think the best that would happen is that you would never see brother or money again. It could make your life much more unpleasant, I'd say.

If he's bought a big house that he can't afford maybe he ought to sell it and buy a smaller house? Has he got any equity, would he be able to do this.

I wouldn't want to see my nieces/nephews in a bedsit or a really rundown, tiny flat and if this was going to happen to them I would give the BIL money to stop this happening. If I could afford to.

tointerveneornot,

Harsh as it is his children will live somewhere else, they are not going to be put out into the street.

Also you have still not received a direct approach from BIL, this has all come from the parents in law who are dropping huge hints. Think they are low themselves to use their grandkids as emotional leverage. Handing over cash will not mean that your relationship will be on a better fotting, infact the very opposite could well occur.

I would think as well that all this is outside your own experience because in the family you came from this sort of dysfunction/emotional blackmail type stuff just did not happen and so is alien to you.

You are only responsible for your own selves ultimately and you owe this BIL of yours nothing. His children likely know nothing about yours because they have not been told anything.

"Neither a lender nor borrower be" as the saying goes. Doing so will backfire on you badly.

Can you afford it? If so give it because he and his family need it. No strings. See what happens. It makes no difference whether he 'deserves' it or not.

tointerveneornot - stay well away from bailing out your BIL. Once you do it the commiment may become never ending.

Similar sitation with my Dad who fell out with his brother (my Uncle) 50 years ago. Over many years they were not in contact. Now his brother is really financial in difficulty and my Dads sister (my Aunt) has tried to persade my Dad to help his brother out financially even though his brother effectively got every single penny of his Dads estate.

My Dad earned every penny he has, while his brother frittered away an ineritence of several million of pounds in todays money. For that reason, my Dad refused to help his brother and eventually his brother went bankrupt and it is entirely his own fault.

Nope sorry . We loaned some to sil once and it didn't come back when promised and a little later she asked for more despite booking foreign holidays etc. dh then told his parents who we knew had already loaned her money over the years ... see any pattern ? Certainly would n't for anyone who you hadn't had any contact with for such a long time. If he was made redundant I wonder what happened to the cash payment ? Maybe he is laying it on a bit thick for his own parents and doesn't really need it so badly anyway ?

Don't give BIL the money. You never know what's round the corner for you - you may be thinking about your nieces and nephews, but what about your own DCs? What if something happened, and you needed that money for them? Do you think BIL would be rushing to put his hand in his pocket to help you out?

I can see how you could be the bigger person here, etc and I really do admire you for caring about the DCs, but really, BIL has behaved abominably, the situation is all of his own making.

The only only only way I would consider it is to somehow put money in trust for the kids, so that BIL couldn't touch it? So if you did buy there house or take a share, then that could be in the trust, so neither you nor BIL own it?

I don't envy your position tbh - as my ole mum likes to say, money is the root of all evil!!

Good luck.

There are tax implications for BIL if you 'gift' money. Worth pointing out to your PIL as a reason for not just giving it to them

Check out the HMRC/Directgov websites.

putupon - good point. It would be far better for PILs to give the money to the BILs children both from an income tax and inheritance tax point of view.

As long as your DH doesn't die within 7 years of giving the money all should be well. At least that's what my parent's were told when they have DB and I some money.

That's true but there is a limit on how much can be given tax free per year.

I think the BIL has a lot of making up to do before you even consider lending them cash.

Bloods thicker than water when it suits him maybe?

Ok, thanks everybody, your input has been really useful.

We will sit tight, say nothing. If a direct approach is made, I tihnk we will still say no. Presumably, if it comes to it way into the future we can write BIL's DC into our will, so at least if they inherit nothing from him, they will from us. And in that way, he himself will not benefit.

I know it doesn't solve the problem of the house, but as people have already said, they will not end up on the streets..

LIZS - there is a limit with relation to inheritance tax, so if the giver dies at any point, any total amount received in a tax year which is over the yearly allowance, for 7 years prior to the death is retrospectively taxed as part of inheritance tax.

Gifts themselves are not taxed through the income tax system however, between family members at least (not sure about non-relations).

OP - this is not in anyway suggesting you do it though! Even if you did, and he did keep up contact with you, he sounds like the kind of person who would always secretly (or not so secretly) hate you for it.