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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want 8 year boys to get changed in the MALE changing room?

283 replies

ParisFrog · 23/09/2009 10:22

I got to a small gym. Several times a woman has brought 3 lads (aged 8 - 10) into the women's changing room for them to get changed. AIBU for this to really annoy me?

The boys have just finished karate - surely they are old enough to get changed by themselves in the men's? She doesn't physically change their clothes for them - just sits there whilst they get changed (and also climb over the lockers and generally wander around the room)

FYI - The changing rooms are small with no cubicles. I can't get there earlier (I work) or later (I'll miss my training) to get changed.

She isn't the only women to do this - another brings in her 2 younger boys (about 5 I guess) just for them to put their shoes on!

Am thinking of complaining to the reception - would you?

OP posts:
DoNotPressTheRedButton · 23/09/2009 10:56

'But as the boys were getting changed by themselves with no help from the woman I assumed they'd be capable of doing it in the men's.
'

(promise am not being funny,just clarifying)

not necessarily the case- say your child was like mine, has Aspergers but its not visible but will suddenly turn around a hit someone, or getb scared by soemthing trandom and climb out the changing room window- he can dress himself etc.

Or like a friends, child is totally NT in every way except that he has just been dx'd with epilepsy and atm whilst he tries meds she is eptrified he will fit at any moment.

The issue though could well not be the age of the child, but the unavailability of toehrwise accessible changing.

MaryBS · 23/09/2009 10:58

Unless you go into the men's changing room and check out who is in there, you cannot say it is safe. Fair enough if the place is busy, but if there's only one man in there?

(My son was 8 yesterday, but has Asperger's, so I guess I have special reason to want him with me - that being the case though, he doesn't "look" disabled, and I can see this being an issue in the future!)

seeker · 23/09/2009 10:59

Oh, give me strength!

kylesmybaby · 23/09/2009 11:01

my nearly 8 year old does not have beedy eyes - looking at anyone - man or woman.

when we get changed he stays with me. his dad isn't around and he would not want to go into the male changing room on his own.

if there are family changing rooms then we will use them.

we does not stare at anyone. we get changed and then get out of there.

i cant see this changing any time soon.

DoNotPressTheRedButton · 23/09/2009 11:01

Yeah yeah whatever seeker, you're right, everyone with alternative circumsatnces (SN child / child who looks older etc) isw worng etc etc

Seeline · 23/09/2009 11:01

DoNotPressTheRedButton you are absolutely right. Suitable facilities should be provided. Each child is different, whether SN or not. I surely have a right to decide when my son is ready for these things - not some poxy sign on a wall.

seeker · 23/09/2009 11:01

sorry - yes of course things are different for children with special needs.

But for NT children of COURSE they should be able to get changed on their own in the appropriate changing room. Apart form anything else, why should they be embarrassed by seeing naked female strangers?

Original poster
ParisFrog · 23/09/2009 11:02

DoNotPress - I agree the issue is more the lack of family changing.

And I understand that after swimming a child needs to be dried off etc. but this gym has no pool. Apart from the fact they are in their kimonos the lads could walk out of the gym without getting changed. If you are that concerned about leaving your son alone could you not get changed at home? Or do as other parents do and just change the top into a t-shirt and go home still with the trousers on.

OP posts:
randomtask · 23/09/2009 11:03

When I was at school and we used to go on swimming lessons there were men who'd be in the changing rooms (with the boys) who made the boys uncomfortable to say the least. I seem to remember one was later done for 'accidentally' rubbing against them whilst he was naked. Incidentally, they had cubicles but the boys didn't always fit in them all.

I think you're naive about the age. It's when you know your child is old enough to look after themselves and feel confident, not a number.

Seeline · 23/09/2009 11:03

On a slightly diffent level - if parents are going to be CRB checked to take children to football training - am I really going to let my 8 year old wander into a room which may have one person or many in it, none of whom I know, and let him get undressed, while said stranger also strips off?

seeker · 23/09/2009 11:03

So at what age are people prepared to let their boys get changed in male changing rooms?

Original poster
ParisFrog · 23/09/2009 11:04

Obviously by the "you" I didn't necessarily mean you DoNotPress.

Just that some women aren't comfortable changing in front of young lads - and why should they have to?

OP posts:
haggisaggis · 23/09/2009 11:06

ds is 9 and certainly would not want to go into teh female changing room any more. In this case also, there are 3 of them - so should not be an issue for tehm to go into teh male changing room. Also, it's karate - not swimming. Why are they even bothering to change? I know that at the local karate classes (and my dc's taikwon do class) the kids arrive already in their suits.

ReneRusso · 23/09/2009 11:08

YANBU. Personally I wouldn't be too bothered, but I do think 8+ is old enough to go and change in the mens, especially if there are 3 of them together.

Reallytired · 23/09/2009 11:08

Several years ago an NT eight year old boy was raped at our local sports centre. The poor boy was perfectly capable of dressing himself, but not physically strong enough to resist asssult. Thankfully these sort of things are rare, but not unheard off.

As a result all the changing rooms are unisex now and there are nice cubicles for families.

Also eight and ten year old boys can be naughty. Imagine a thread, "shouldnt naughty ten year old boys be supervised in a male changing room?"

Bucharest · 23/09/2009 11:09

I would not want an 8 yr old boy that I didn't know watching me get changed any more than I would want an 8 yr old girl in the male changing rooms. Do the mums-of-boys who think it's OK for an 8 yr old boy to be in the women's changing rooms also think it's OK for an 8 yr old girl to be in the men's?

Thought not.

Docbunches · 23/09/2009 11:11

YANBU. I think 8-10 year olds are old enough to be going in to the mens changing rooms, particularly as they are in a group (safety in numbers). It would annoy me too, but I probably wouldn't complain as I hate confrontation.

I think the woman is being very overprotective.

Original poster
ParisFrog · 23/09/2009 11:13

Docbunches - I hate confrontation too hence the thread instead of me saying something to the woman with the boys or the reception!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 23/09/2009 11:14

I am with Seeker on this.

The world is not full of paedophiles just waiting around in gym changing rooms in case a 8yo boy comes in.

I let my 5yo go into Gents toilets, not dodgy ones in parks but in cafes or restaurants I have no problems.

When are you going to stop taking them into the changing room? When they get to 12/13 they are definitely to old. If I go by the paedophile argument, then they could still be in danger at that age.

bentneckwine1 · 23/09/2009 11:16

My son has just started swimming lessons and I was told to just take him into the ladies communal changing room with me...I didn't ask but the information was volunteerd by the organiser. My DS is 9 and was quite uncomfortable the first time we went getting changed in this area so he now takes his towel/clothes into the toilet and changes there...then goes and stands outside to wait for me at the door of changing room.

He has asked to use the men's next week which he would much prefer. Going to have his trunks on under clothes so will not need to get undressed completely before swimming when the changing rooms are deserted as our lesson is first. Then when he comes out of the pool there are various other classes starting which means the changing room will be busier which I feel is probably safer.

His lessons require a parent to be in the pool with children and it is mostly mums that are there. So gents changing room will be very quiet when we arrive...later there are many other classes going on at the same time.

Bucharest · 23/09/2009 11:17

And as we know, the hypothetical paedophile is, statistically, going to be the male relative who took the kid to the baths in the first place......

World really has gone mad.

DoNotPressTheRedButton · 23/09/2009 11:20

Wellw can't say why she's doing it so we can't say she is being over protective- she could have one of the issues mentioned below (or she could be my sister whose son is 6 next month and is taller than my almost 10 year old LOL)

I don't see why a girl ebing in men's is any worse tbh thogh don't have a girl so my views are allowed to be extreme with no ill effects IYSWIM.

As for what age- interesting one. If ds1 (10 in December) didn't have his episodes then I think he'd be fine, he has an 8 year old brother who has the attention spat of a gnat which can be awkward (have tried letting him change in male provision and whilst he is absoluely fine it invariable ends up with me accosting a passer by to go in and tell him to shift on)- age wise though I'd have though NT kids generally reach that stage between 7 and 8.

But a big fan of family changing to the extent where I will consider nothing else. And not a sinngle diosabled change facility either- i will take my boys in there but then spend the whole time wondering if thee is a wheelchair outside waiitng that is even less able to access the main rooms: no, proper designated changiong rooms. Big enough for all.

As it happens my home twon is now facillity free after a counsil's sudden decision to close the pool and gym, however before that they ahd individual genderless rooms- and issues with Perverts drilling hols through to watch. Whetehrt hey were Pedophile related or just general pervs who knows, but it did happen.

Morloth · 23/09/2009 11:25

Same MdmLindt my 5yo DS is just starting to not want to use the ladies with me. I use my judgement as to whether the bathroom in question is safe enough and he knows he has 5 mins before I am either in after him or I ask a member of staff to check for me.

I don't mind getting changed in front of kids (but hell I didn't mind when there was a handyman needed in the ladies locker room at the gym), but we too had a woman complain about people wandering around naked in the changing rooms when she had her son with her. Mental.

I want to know what the cutoff point is as well? I understand SN are different, but even children with SN should not really be in the opposite sex changing room after 12ish? Surely? Bathrooms are different I think because most people use cubicles which provide plenty of privacy.

Reallytired · 23/09/2009 11:25

My son's school will not him walk home on his own until year 4 (ie. age 9) Yet people on this thread think its OK to have an 8 year old unsupervised in a sports centre. Eight year old boys do stupid things.

My son is seven years old and in someways is very grown up, but in other ways can be very silly. He can swim but has no concept of his limits.

Imagine that an eight year old boy who cannot swim decides to go back into the swimming pool. A friend dares him to jump in the deep end. The friend teases him and calls him a coward. The boy jumps in.

His mum has no idea what is happening as she is in the ladies changing room. Drowning is often a quick and silent death. In a busy swimming pool the lifeguard may not spot what is happening until its too late.

Unless you have experience of an older child its hard to understand its not just a matter of dressing.

seeker · 23/09/2009 11:31

It is a bit silly to compare popping in to the changing room at the swimming pool to walking home form school alone. Apart from anything else, unless it is a very strange changing room indeed, the child concerned is extremely unlikely to have to cross a busy road while getting their trousers on.

Frankly, I would be questioning myself if I couldn't trust my 8 year old to go and get changed without me supervising him, then come out and wait at a pre arranged spot until I was ready.