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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want 8 year boys to get changed in the MALE changing room?

283 replies

ParisFrog · 23/09/2009 10:22

I got to a small gym. Several times a woman has brought 3 lads (aged 8 - 10) into the women's changing room for them to get changed. AIBU for this to really annoy me?

The boys have just finished karate - surely they are old enough to get changed by themselves in the men's? She doesn't physically change their clothes for them - just sits there whilst they get changed (and also climb over the lockers and generally wander around the room)

FYI - The changing rooms are small with no cubicles. I can't get there earlier (I work) or later (I'll miss my training) to get changed.

She isn't the only women to do this - another brings in her 2 younger boys (about 5 I guess) just for them to put their shoes on!

Am thinking of complaining to the reception - would you?

OP posts:
islandofsodor · 23/09/2009 20:35

I'm not worried about perverts but I am worried about her going in a daydream and wandering off/not taking hours to get ready or just struggling with something.

alfiesmadmother · 23/09/2009 20:35

Soupdragon, I already said that we go in seperate cubicles and if he did happen to see and stare I could guide him, not to stare- and I am with him!!!! I just said I have no problem if DH is with him.

And I don't think it is particularly helpful for a 7 year old to be alone in a roomful of naked men- nothing perverse or sinister, just unhelpful to him and the men he could be staring at.

And I would never let my 7 year old unsupervised on the internet either.

Morloth · 23/09/2009 20:38

But why alfiesmadmother? I honestly don't get how it is unhelpful? I really don't understand the position.

alfiesmadmother · 23/09/2009 20:38

btw I did make a mistake by leaving out the alone bit- of course I do not mind any of our children to be around naked people, absolutely not!

alfiesmadmother · 23/09/2009 20:40

Morloth, I just don't think it is, and the nakedness is not the main issue and I am not the one pulling that issue out of a whole lot of arguments.

Morloth · 23/09/2009 20:41

No no, not having a go at you at all. I just don't get it. I am looking at it from as many angles as I can. I just don't see the problem, but you obviously think there is a problem so I am trying to figure it out.

alfiesmadmother · 23/09/2009 20:44

Actually yes I do know why it's not helpful. Because 7 year old boys feel vulnerable naked maybe. And if you are already without your parents, trying to rush to get dressed, perhaps panicing about your swimming lesson and worrying if somebody will steal your coat or locker key then it's not helpful to feel more vulnerable, is it?

SoupDragon · 23/09/2009 20:45

I don't get it either.

The only issue I have is that I don't know what they (my DSs) are up to and I can't shout at them to hurry up.

islandofsodor · 23/09/2009 20:46

Children worry about the strangest of things. They might drop something on the floor and worry it got wet or struggle to get their socks on after a swiming lesson as they are still damp or might desperately neec the toilet and forget where they are.

Hence at the age of 8 I will keep mine with me in public places. By 10 I would expect a little more independence.

Georgimama · 23/09/2009 20:49

If it horrifying that people allegedly think there are perverts lurking around every corner, I find it even more horrifying that so many people think an 8 year old boy is likely to take a sexualised interest in a woman getting changed.

Morloth · 23/09/2009 20:50

Ah OK, you are worried that your DS would feel vulnerable in that situation? See that I can understand. I don't think it applies to all 7 year old boys though.

You can SoupDragon you stand at the door and YELL.

This could be because I am coming from a ruggers family.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 23/09/2009 20:51

One of our shops has a children's changing room adults are not allowed to change in there, DS1 went to try on some jeans and was told rudely by a very stupid woman in there to "get out get out" (it has cubical s by the way) she was in there with her daughter, but it was her not her child trying on the clothes. DS1 was quite upset by her rudeness and I think she was quite upset when I had her removed by a member of staff and I gave her a mouthful too.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 23/09/2009 21:03

My DS1 is 5.10 & ASD. I would take him into changing rooms with me & probably still will when he's 8 as he would not understand me telling him to go into the male changing rooms by himself to get changed.

Not all special needs are visible, and you say these boys mess around in the changing rooms even with their mother present so what would they get up to being left alone? They could be NT children or they could have SN like ADHD or ASD & maybe she is not happy to leave them alone in the men's changing rooms.

I think you could maybe mention it to the gym but not complain as you don't know the family's circumstances.

seeker · 23/09/2009 21:03

"unhelpful" What a very strange choice of word!

Look, shorn of all its rationalizations, the question we are addressing here is "Do we think our 8 year old children are at risk from predatory paedophiles in swimming pool changing rooms?" And, the other question is "Do we think any man is potentially a predatory peadophile?" It's nothing to do with getting their socks wet, or losing their locker key, or going off into a daydream and taking ages. It's about whether we have bought into the 'stranger danger" publicity or not.

I will continue to answer a firm "no" to both questions and I refuse to buy into the publicity. I will allow my children to grow in confidence and independence and I will NOT bring them up to be wary and suspicious of other people.
Rant over.

cruelladepoppins · 23/09/2009 21:14

My answer is, it depends. There are some places I will let my son aged 8 go into the gents toilet alone, but many places I will not (e.g. in a big city). As for changing, luckily all the local pools seem to have mixed changing with cubicles. When he went to classes at the gym aged c. 5, he arrived and left in his gym clothes. I didn't want the hassle of him changing in the men's changing room where I could not go, and I didn't think it was fair on the ladies to have my son in the room while they were starkers. He just changed his shoes in the lobby. Roundabout way of saying YANBU, but I reserve the right not to let my son use the gents toilets all on his own!

Morloth · 23/09/2009 21:15

I always find it interesting seeker when the mothers of boys take the view that men are predatory paedophiles. How does that work in the long term? If you teach a little boy to be afraid of men then what happens when he becomes one? Is he now someone to be afraid of?

It is hard to let them go, I do think about all the risks and I worry, but it isn't about what is best for me. What is best for me, is a clean and tidy little boy sitting nicely chatting to me in the safety of his home where I can block out the world and keep anything bad from happening to him. That isn't what is best for him though.

BitOfFun · 23/09/2009 21:17

Agree with seeker. If a child of eight or older has special needs which mean they can't change alone, then all public facilities are supposed to have disabled changing rooms, so you would need to use those, as my 9yr-old dd's father does when out with her. If they don't have special needs, they should have the ability to get changed independently. If you don't like the cut of the jib of the other folk using the faciities, then go elsewhere or don't take them out to places you need to get changed in. I struggle to understand why girls and women should be deprived of the reasonable expectation of some privacy because some parents can't cut the apron strings.

islandofsodor · 23/09/2009 21:18

It is not all about paedophiles. For me it is about whether an 8 year old (and children have very different levels of maturity) is mature and confident enough to change alone in a public changing room.

Mine are not. They are young for their age and I don;t hink there is anything wrong in that. it seems like we are all in a great rush to get our children to grow up and turn into teenagers as soon as possible.

I've seen dd getting changed for ballet when I have popped out to the loo. She gets distracted and is in a dreamworkd half the time thinking about fairies or butterflies, not getting ready.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 23/09/2009 21:20

As I said before, my DS has ASD. He doesn't look like he has a disability, so to use the disabled changing room IMO could also be reason for people to complain.....seems like I can't win !!

BitOfFun · 23/09/2009 21:21

I have that issue myself, Chunky. I just tell them to mind their own

Morloth · 23/09/2009 21:22

It might not all be about paedophiles islandofsodor but I think mostly the fear of boys using men's rooms is at least 99% about paedophiles.

seeker · 23/09/2009 21:23

I am in no great rush for my children to grow up. However I do think it's an important part of my job to make sure they have basic life skills. For a NT 8 year old, these skills would include getting changed without help reasonably efficiently and in a reasonable time.

Presumably they get changed for PE at school without help?

Morloth · 23/09/2009 21:23

Chunky if your DS has a disability (visible or not) then you have every right to use the disabled changing room.

islandofsodor · 23/09/2009 21:24

Yes they do get changed without help at school, but not without supervision.

seeker · 23/09/2009 21:28

I do find this puzzling. My 8 year old has been dressing himself alone in his bedroom every morning for a couple of years. Why should he suddenly lose the ability to put his socks on because he was in a changing room?