To be quite worried about this boy, when his mum seems to think he is a girl??

[hulahoopyfingers]

Yes I know don't be so judgy

Yes I know it is none of my business, but tbh I am actually quite worried/bemused/not sure what to say about this situation

We met a new mum about a year ago who has two children a girl of 5 and a boy of 2

When we first met them the boy had just turned 1. To cut a long story short the mum dresses and treats this boy as a girl. He had lovely long hair to his waist which is often in plaits, hairbands, tied up with ribbons. He wears girls clothes, not just girly clothes but pastel patent shoes, frilly socks, girls blouses and tops, the other day I saw him in pink cords with flowers on the pockets.

To look at him you would think he was a girl. I did for the first 3 times we met. He has a unisex name and I wasn't sure who she was talking about whenever she said he or him. Everytime I am with her and we met other people they think he is a girl and say she etc the mum doesn't correct them at all.

I don't know why this is bothering me. My DS has quite long hair himself. It wouldn't be bothering me at all if I thought he was inputting into it himself and saying I want to wear this or I want my hair up but he doesn't talk yet.

I just keep getting a weird this is not right feel about it.

I am waiting for the influx of YABU and here is why

Well said!

Surely if the child was intersex you would either choose a gender and stick with it, or try to be as neutral as possible (eg. non-gender-loaded colours, clothes, etc). Not dressing the child as one and calling them by another. That surely isn't going to help the child or anyone else.

Unless the mother is misleading the child or confusing them unnecessarily about their gender, I don't see any harm at all in the child wearing gender-loaded clothes marketed to the opposite sex.

i think we do feel uncomfortable with that extreme feminisation though, don't we, worsttrip? judging by the amount of threads complaining about finding ordinary clothes for girls past a certain age.
it creeps me right out to see those kiddie beauty pageants, or even just mothers who put their daughters in super-frilly pink gear all the time. seems to me that the reason it freaks people is that it's often all about the mother rather than the child, which does seem to be the case here.

i too would just ask - nicely, though.

FWIW My father was dressed as a girl until he got his first school uniform - AND that was in the late 40s/early 50s! After four sons, my grandmother was desperate for a girl and believed it was a sign from God when she got pregnant again at 47 , spent a load of money they didn't have on girls clothes and then decided to make him wear them anyway double . He grew up to get a load of girlfriends, marry my mum and become a solicitor, with no obvious harm!

I came accross this post and found it very interesting as I had a very similar experience. A couple of years ago my son was in a pre-school class with a boy, who I assumed was a girl - very long curly hair, always wearing a dress. When I had my work day there I was basically shocked to find out he was a boy. I actually did get to be friends with his mom and eventually did ask her about it. She was very casual about it and just explained he liked to wear dresses and she was very comfortable with it. Yes it's odd!

gender identitiy follows quite soon after potty training, IMO. "Why have I got a willy, mummy?" "Because you are a boy"
"Then why are you putting me in dresses? I want to wear trousers, I'm not a girl!"

I don't think that the gender stuff (as in the stereotypical responses) really comes into play until children go to nursery/play-groups etc at around about 2-3, because it is a socialization thing to divide the world into male and female and then figure out that girl = dress, boy = trousers. So you have to be aware of and interested in other children first.

I do think that waist long hair is unusual in a two year old, which makes me think this is probably the detail that has been changed to make the family more anonymous. My feeling is that in a small child it really doesn't matter, although I don't think really long and complicated styled hair is great for a small child of any gender (just because of the time investment, but then my two were never very keen on sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time).

Personally I think I too would be a bit weirded out by this - especially the same outfit thing (but then I find that a bit odd for young children full stop, probably because I had twin cousins whose parents did this and they weren't very happy about it). As to whether it might case long term "damage" to the child, I would suspect not on it's own, and probably not much more than many other ways of projecting your views on your children (girls in very girly stuff, boys in very boyish stuff, pushing children heavily into a sport because the parent not the child wants to excel etc etc)

I see that the boy has an older sister.If mum and the sister were like me and my younger brother's mum I can understand! When we were young (I'm now 26) mum was always preaching that girls could do anything boys could - and more! Looking back she probably did her job too well because I'm sure my brother was convinced girls were "better" than boys. As I expect lots of bigger sisters treated their little brother like a doll. I was constantly dressing him up and pretending he was my little sister. Wherever we would go he'd get the "what a beautiful girl you are" comments and mum would never correct them and just say thank you. Of course I'd dress him in frilly dresses, curl his hair, paint his nails, lipstick - everything!Mum would be furious if anybody teased him - like it was somehow degrading to be a girl. She would always tell him the other boys are just jealous and how fortunate it was that he was able to wear dresses.

Carole - it seems your brother would be an expert on this. How did he react? When he looks back what does he think? Sorry if I'm nosy!

fattybumbum, i am worried that i know the person you are talking about!

right area, right age child, still BF, home educated and DEFINITELY has a pair of red sparkly shoes

this is getting quite bizarre. If it is the person that I know then I think you're wrong and she is doing a fantastic job at bringing her son up. He is truly delightful

omg

My mother dressed me up as a boy (most of the time) till I was about 5. It didn't do any long-term damage (I only remembered when I saw this thread) but I remember that though I never protested I was very unhappy about it. Especially about having short hair, it was very short, like a number 2 . People seemed to have created a personality for me based on the fact that I was boyish (even though it wasn't my decision at all). I remember when I was 11 my aunt went abroad and bought back little gifts for us, all my girl cousins got identical make-up kits but I got a non-girly thing, because "I know you'll hate to be given something like that". I didn't say anything but went to bed that night and cried till morning.

In my mother's case it was because she wanted a boy after two girls but didn't get one. She however insists that she never wanted a boy.

you'd not you'll

Personally I think the kid could be a transexual and so being treated like a girl.

"They fuck us up our mums and Dads..."
There was a bloody marvellous fim made by Veity Bargate for the fantastic Euston Films) in 1979-80 called "No, Mama no" Iwish I could find it as it was just about this issue a depressed and in serious need of help mum who keeps dressing her 3 year old son as a girl, it is fairly distressing to see him upset and I thought it verged on child abuse. The mother needs help fast if the child is not inter gender, it is not good or right.

I think it would be horrible if a little boy was forced to dress as a girl. That is definately wrong and could certainly cause harm. That was not the case with my brother although I did learn, many years later, that me, my brother and our mum all saw the same thing differently. As wierd as it might sound I thought it was all normal. I look at photos as us as kids and I am struck as hoy truly girly he was. I would often be in plain clothes and he'd would invariably be in what would be a dressy party dress. My hair would be in a pony tail and he would have beautiful curls past his shoulders!

What happened when he was 7 years old will explain a lot. Our aunt had a wedding comming up and Tim (my brother) wanted to get his haircut and get a proper boys suit. I remember thinking that was great (it was time!). As it turned out he didn't get his haircut and didn't get a suit and instead wore a very dressy dress. I thought nothing of it as I was used to him in girl's clothes and I was all wrapped up in being a junior bridesmaid

It was many years later that he told me how dissapointed he was that he didn't get his boys suit and how embarrassed he was and how painful it was for him at the wedding. I had no idea! It turned out that he was so afraid that mum and aunt would be upset that he didn't want to wear a dress that he told mum that he changed his mind.

I talked to mum about this and her memory was totally different. She was very happy he wanted to get his haircut and was excited about shopping for a suit for him. She tried to encourage him to reconsider explaining that there would be a lot of people there that had'nt seen him for awhile and that he might feel funny wearing a dress but that he didn't care.

So....you never know what the circumstances are. Maybe a young boy, for whatever reason, is convinced that mum wants him to dress as a girl and he doesn't want to disappoint.

omg

Carole how is your bgrother now? the mind boggles...

What????

My two sons are constantly being mistaken for girls despite wearing 'boys' clothes i.e. blues and greens - I'm told it's because they both have longish hair and 'beautiful' eyes.

I've got so used to it I no longer correct people as it's not important. I have also found if I do correct people they find it quite upsetting that they have made such a mistake and worry that they have then offended me, lots of apologies etc and they then feel uncomfortable.

This little boy probably wears his sister's old clothes and may like to have his hair done like her's... where's the harm?

I know it all sounds strange and awful but I truely did think my brother, and probably all boys, would much prefer girl's clothes over boys. I did feel terrible when he told me, years later, that he was frequently uncomfortable. Fortunately he turned out fine and we are very close. I could see that other boys could really have been traumitized.

I think its more difficult for we gals to really understand that what we may see as enjoyment by little boys may really be the boy simply wanting to please his mum especially if the boy feels mum really wanted a girl.